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Kimmerz Offline OP
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Snodderly and Golf mom,


Very good thoughts here.

I had figured his LL was acts of service and affirmations. I've now figured out that acts of service, affirmations/physical touch is mine.

What was so crazy is that the last 6 months he was home he refused to accept any LL from me what so ever. The excuse was he was so angry with me for feeling abandoned and put aside that he was afraid to get too close and be rejected again. Yes we give out what we like to receive. Im always verbally affirming people no matter what I do and Im physically affectionate with all. I also like to do acts of service.

So what my question is, if he got what he wanted, what difference does it make whether he's nice to me or not? He agreed to give me child support instead of taking me to court and fight me over it. I appreciate it, but I don't feel like I OWE him anything or need to do something nice for me because he gave me what Im legally entitled to. I gave him his divorce he wanted. During the past year he spent the majority of it flip flopping between being a completely obnoxious jackass to being Mr. Nice guy and wanting to do all these nice things for me. However a year ago when this all started, I felt a sense of him doing nice things just to save face and not look bad. He didn't really want to, he felt he had to.

Now, it appears he really wants to. I know him well enough that when he does something he feels he should but doesn't want to, he offers once and then that's it. This time he's approached me making very generous offers to help with the children, plus took it upon himself to request certain days off the last month to help watch the girls.

To me that's a significant change in him. He wouldn't even offer that sort of help when we were married.

I don't know, I have to say now that the divorce is final I feel some sense of relief too. In a way feeling that if we ever were to reconcile romantically, and it didn't work out, then screw it! WE're already divorced and all the hard work is done!

What shakes me up, and I said this before. He's speaking my LL now. That gets my attention. And I did tell him in past emails a year ago the things I wanted in our marriage and needed him to do for me. I question if he listened.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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Kimmerz,
You are attempting to analyze his behavior and you can't. There is absoltuely not rhyme or reason to it. He got what he wanted...out of the marriage and now he feels that all expectations are off the table. You are not feeling the pressure of trying to figure out how to get him back and trying to work on the divorce. I have seen this happen a number of times and you, the lbs, will question why, when, where, the what ifs, etc. Stop! Your man is in crisis and you may never understand what is going through is head or why he's stepping to the plate now. Maybe he wants to look good to others or maybe he really does want to be the best father out there and be your best bud w/out the ties that bind you in marriage. Right now, no one, not even your man can answer that question. The only person that could is God and right now, he's overseeing this situation and if you sit quietly, the answers will fall into your lap.

I'm sorry if I've not provided you w/concrete thoughts on this, but I have found that the more you try to figure it out, the less likely the answers will appear. Kimmerz, turn the focus back on to you and your daughters for now. Somes the answers will come, but only when you let the situation go for a bit.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Oh Kimmerz, Snodderly is spot on with the advice above. She told me the same during the times that I've spun and it wasn't until I stopped and sat still did some answers start to come. BTW, sitting still does not mean that you quit moving forward for yourself.

Once you really let go, you'll be amazed at where you find some of the answers to your questions.

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Kimmerz Offline OP
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WEll maybe Im just giving Xh too much credit. Because as far as Im concerned he knows why he's acting this way. His reasons maybe as light and lofty as a plastic bag in the wind, but for right now and right here he knows.

Maybe I just work with too many women. WE consistently inform eachother, praise eachother and communicate what's going on and work towards problem solving and conflict resolution. So where Im falling short, is Im still having expectations and I want him to tell me what's going on! I mean come on guys, doesn't this look WEIRD? Is it me that's the only one that see's this as akward and just not making sense?

Im the kind of person that needs answers. I may not like the answers I get, but I need information and more direction to follow. If he's just relieved to not feel married to me and then it makes him feel freer to do nice things, then fine. But I'd like to know that. If he's so happy in his life with his OW and it was me that made him so miserable and now he's free, then I want to know that. If it's just another MLC flight of emotion, well I'd like to know that. I know he can't tell me that part, but I think If I ask him, based on his answers I can pretty much get a good idea of whats going on.

I still don't trust him and the basis of this is trying to protect myself, aka control. I get very nervous because when he's kind, I start to soften and feel loving towards him again. I let my GUARD DOWN. It is very hard to detatch when they start being this nice, especially when it started out in an intense family moment.


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Kimmerz, my thoughts are not going to be popular here and since I'm new to all of this I may not know what I'm talking about, but here's what I think. Because of the long history you have with your XH you and the girls are his family. We all need to move on and create a life for ourselves, but pray to keep bitterness from your heart. Sometimes we base opinions of others on their past actions. Personally, I want people to see me for who I am today. We all grow and change. Sometimes it's a deliberate effort and sometimes we just evolve. It's hard to say why your XH is being so helpful. Truly, I want to believe it's his way of building a bridge. You've said that he has been afraid of your rejection, so by doing small things he might be testing the water. If he is someone you want in your life and you are still open to a romantic relationship in the future, then accept his acts of service. Keep his love language in mind and build your side of the bridge. If nothing else it will make co-parenting easier.

I accept that I might be the worst person to give you a reply since I'm dealing with my own grief right now, but I believe in marriage and the vows that we take - in sickness and in health, good times and bad (your XH is sick and these are bad times). That doesn't mean that you should deny what's happened. Continuing working on healing and forgiving so you can pave the way for whatever possibilities the future holds. There are so many things I said early on would be deal breakers for me (I wouldn't be in a marriage with my H again if he had sex and I wouldn't marry him again), but I've decided not to put limits on my future. If he ever wants to R I'll consider all of that at that time. I can tell from your posts that some days you're done and others you're not quite there yet. Maybe try to just let it be for now. See where each day takes you. Extend the olive branch if that's how you feel. I can imagine that your XH's willingness to be helpful to you might be rocking his relationship with OW. After all she knows how they got together and there's nothing concrete really binding them. Work on being the best that you can be for yourself. You will become a magnet to others and maybe even your XH.

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Kimmerz Offline OP
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Hi Golf Mom,

Thank you so much for your post. I appreciate your insights and thoughts. I really needed to hear them. Just because you have your own individual sitch with grieving does not mean you're in no position to give advice and opinions. This is what I like about posting is getting everyone's input because everyone has something valuable to say, no matter what stage they're in on this journey.

I don't want to be bitter and angry. I want to forgive. For someone that's usually so forgiving and easy going, Im seeing a side to myself that I didn't think existed. But I realize it's all based on fear.

You see me so well Golf Mom. Yes some days Im just done, and others, well im not too sure. This is how I felt when Xh left a year ago and months into the separation. This is how he felt too. He even told me in his own words that's how he felt.

I want to believe with all my heart that this is his way of trying to build that bridge. He's done a 180 in how he reacts to me, and how he reacts is positive almost every time for almost 4 months now. I think it's only natural not to trust it at first, but want more than anything to know it's truly genuine. And when it starts to look genuine, well you don't know what to do. It honestly is a leap of faith.

I took out the 5 LL tonight and started looking at them again. I want to start talking his LL, but still kinda wonder if I have them right. Obviously Acts of Service is one for him, and I think words of Affirmation. I can't do acts of service for him if he's not around. Maybe his have changed.

Im going to just work on letting the anger go and take it one day at a time. Im going to work on not being so paranoid. I never thought in a million years my faith would be so shaken.
For years our relationship has been up and down, and I've prayed and talked to God so many times. I see that God has given me what I've asked for, but it didn't turn out the way I expected it.

I think I better start making things a little more simpler on myself and just adopt the attitude that "God's got this, just chill out and go for the ride. It's ok, he won't let you down".
Because in all reality, that's the real truth.

Thank you Golf mom!


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Kimmerz, try to work on your fear. I'm doing the same. Fear led to my controlling ways. In fact, my fear of abandonment (greatest fear now realized) has made this journey particularly rough. Here's something that I read. It might help you now.

Trust your boundaries
Follow your feelings
Choose your words
Be surprised

Keep things very simple right now. Pray for guidance and answers. Meditate to calm your mind. Really take care of you. Also, have you noticed how complicated things get when your head gets involved? We ruminate. Then we're angry and hurt all over again. The cycle just continues. Try to turn all of that off. What has happened is in the past. When you turn off your mind you speak from your heart. Let actions and words flow. Here's an example of what I mean. Years ago a very good friend of mine and I had a falling out. She sent a letter essentially saying I'm moving on - have a good life. I was hurt, felt misunderstood and abandoned. Whenever I saw her I had my guard up. She was the one who ended our friendship rather than talk and make amends. Several years later we were at a kid party. We were having a cordial conversation and out of no where I said "It's good to see you. I've missed you." She burst into tears and said she always regretted sending the letter, but didn't know how to undo it. I didn't plan what I said and my head was no way involved. My heart just opened and I spoke. It was a very strange experience. We rekindled our friendship and she is one of the most precious people in my life today. How many times have you planned a conversation that you were anticipating? Sometimes it's necessary like when you're going to share information and you don't want to forget something. Trying being spontaneous. If you trust your boundries it's easier to do.

Remember all that you've learned about MLC. It's a long journey and lots of destruction is left in the wake of the WS. You'll know when you're ready to close the door completely. Still having hope and building a bridge doesn't mean you're not moving on. You truly are. Moving on, to me, means growth. Keep learning about yourself and what your needs are. Get to the crux of your fear so that you will ask for what you want and you will enforce your boundries in all of your relationships.

I don't know about you, but after many years of being a SAHM I neglected myself as a woman. Sure I kept myself fit and polished, but I didn't really pamper myself. Jeans replaced dresses. I stopped wearing perfume and buying pretty things. I rarely took long baths, etc. There always seemed like so much to do. I put my family's needs first, always. How ridiculous is that? Being more into myself has been a great remedy for controlling habits. There simply isn't enough time in a day to get after the kids about this and that if I want to have a little time to devote to myself. That attitude has really helped my self esteem also. Those things might not be important to you, but think about the things that are. Tap into the many facets of you. We're more than just moms.

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Kimmerz Offline OP
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Gee Golf Mom thanks,

Guess what? My biggest fear has been abandonment. When my mom died 6 years ago, part of me felt like it died too. She and I were very close and the best of friends. I then turned to XH in ways to fill that void. Later I realized he could never fill that void because he wasn't my mom. Xh left the marriage years before he left the marriage. So in a sense I've been alone for a very long time.

In regards to abandonment, well I survived. Im not completely alone, but pretty much alone. I know I must take better care of myself because right now Im just a shell of a woman I used to be. I know how to take care of everyone else, but me. I know this, and this is the main reason I decided that I needed to lean on XH to have more time with the girls, so i could focus on me some more. As I stood back and realized it was their father out of all people that was willing do stretch and do some footwork to help me out, that I figured I should pay attention to that. I don't know what it means, but I should pay attention.Fear talks there too. My kids really are the only thing I feel I have left of my very own. I don't want to share with him anymore than necessary. What if he took them away too? Guess XH leaving was the sucker punch that really knocked me to my knees. Then eventually flat on my face...lol.

Another thing that dawned on me that I have NOT given alot of thought too was that my XH was a severe gaming addict for years. I now can look back and see that he was a functional addict, but an addict all the same. When he became engrossed in that WoW game, the girls and I lost him. The game was his priority and anyone that challenged him on that got typical addict responses. " I don't have a problem you have the problem."

When he left in his depressed slump he said " the game doesn't even make me happy anymore".With addicts I do know that the high eventually goes away, and that's a crossroads. OW is a gaming addict as well and from what I understand was what broke up her 26 year marriage.


M=42 XH=44
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XH marries OW 6/2014.
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Kimmerz, we have another similiarity. My husband is a poker player. He has been since before we met. At times it has seemed excessive, but mostly it has seemed like a controlled passion. Since he hasn't taken money from our bank accounts to play and he keeps his "earnings" separate I have never had any way of knowing what the real situation is and I've been on tilt for years because of it. Periodically, I would ask my H about whether he felt in control or if he had an addiction. Well, you can probably guess the answer. Of course, he was always annoyed with me when I inquired. He never saw it as genuine concern, just intrusion. I admit, at times "his" money has paid for extras and I've appreciated that. But was I enabling? I don't know what to think about it all and whether it has played a part in his leaving. It has always been his dream to win a big tournament. He's won quite a few, but not the level that he wanted. In the meantime, he has friends/acquaintances that have won big and I think it really bothers him since he thinks he's every bit as skilled as they are. I can't say since I have absolutely no knowledge about the game and haven't wanted to learn. Also, because I don't share his passion I wonder if he is looking for someone else who will or, at least, someone (gold digger) who will be impressed with him. I just haven't considered all of this as part of MLC, but I need to. The need to win big, coupled with his family history and underlying depression might be what brought all of this on. In the meantime, I'm trying not to think about all of the things I wish I had done differently. Anyone out there with knowledge in this area, or addictions in general, please chime in.

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Kimmerz Offline OP
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Golf Mom,
You know Just before my last post I decided I wanted to research addictions. Guess what? XH played poker too! Xh has the addict trait/gene. The women on his maternal side are all addicts, and the males are irresponsible with money. I've seen my Xh go through drinking binges and partying alot. I read up a little bit in regards to online gaming and the particular game he played. The excuse is just what XH told me his reason for gaming was. He didn't have to deal with reality, he could just check out.

Im sorry G Mom for my memory loss, but is your H a big conflict avoider?


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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