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Kimmerz,
This link may give you some insight into the distancer/pursuer dance until you can locate additional information.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Kimmerz Offline OP
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thank you snodderly!


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 889
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Kimmerz Offline OP
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Ok...Im confused on a few things here. In light of an interesting but simple interaction with XH yesterday... I once again have my wheels spinning. We had a fight 2 weeks ago over money. Since then I relfected on the sitch, decided to let it go and accept it was what it was. I even felt sad we had an argument, but I have to say it was a good one. I still don't agree with his actions, but there isn't anything I can do about it. I saw him for the first time in 2 months yesterday as he dropped off D9. I was blown away at how sweet he was. We're not talking civil, polite, using decent tone of voice to just get through the next few moments, we're talking sweet. I really was expecting arrogance, aloofness, and rudeness. Not a lick of it yesterday.

We detatch so we no longer emotionally invest ourselves into a relationship with someone that's not emotionally available, so we work on ourselves.

We act as if everything is fine in hopes to give them the idea that we are moving on with our lives and we're just fine without them...also in hopes of actually feeling that way after time.

ACting as if, is supposed to get the WAS to notice something, get their attention. Possibly have them feel drawn back to us.

WE're supposed to have them pursue us.

How do we know their interests are re kindled? How do we know if they're actually a little curious as to what's going on with us or if we're involved with someone? How do you know this if there is absolutely no communication with them other than business? Do we just wait around and hope they drop a hint?

My XH is by nature is the most TIGHT LIPPED person I have ever met in my life. I mean I don't think the man would yell for help if he was drowning.

Im a communicator, he's not. I still struggle with trying to read his actions. I struggle cause he keeps catching me off guard. It's because of this action oriented dance we've done that I always snap and start asking for answers, and then I find out I've been completely off base the entire time...based on what he verbally tells me.

His actions speak differently than his words and his words are different that his actions.

Because of this I feel like Im stupid, hanging on to that one last breath, that one last chance to finally understand what he's trying to do.

I now feel like he's trying to DB me. He's persistent in the basic communications. Just when I think he will no longer speak to me, he does. On his own accord or quickly answering any text I may send him.

His actions say to me " Ok Im ready to communicate with you. Im trying the best I can".

Ok...I really can only think of two sitches over the last 10 years that I've read about that were posted on this site where this has worked. ARe there any happy endings to read about here?

The most I can tell is that he is trying to develop some sort of relationship with me that goes beyond basic civil communication.

Im just not sure what I want to do with it.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Nov 2004
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Watch, and wait. If he wants back in, then he has to earn his way, IMO. Actions do speak louder than words. Don't rush back into his arms at a flick of a finger from him. Patience is key here. I've often found that when MLCers are acting nice, they are about to drop a bomb on you. Sorry, don't want to sound all doom and gloom, but he did put you through hell, so ....


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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Kimmerz Offline OP
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The only bomb he could drop on me would be he's marrying OW, moving to another state to cause trouble with child support, or losing his job so i won't get child support.

Suppose I should just come out and ask him?


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 889
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Kimmerz Offline OP
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I guess the reason I get so uneasy is just when I think the last shoe has dropped, then another comes, and another. It's like Im trying to stay one step ahead of the game so when the shoe is dropped again, then Im not so blown away.

I know the key is to detach and move on enough that whatever they do will not effect us at all. It's like I finally get to that point and then something changes to where I HAVE to speak to him or deal with him in some way. It's like life forces it, I can't avoid him no matter how much I want to.

If he is engaged he hasn't spoken a word to anyone about it or whoever he's told has kept a very tight lip about it because the kids don't even know. He and Ow put on a very distant show infront of the kids I guess. He's focused on the kids when they're there, and she's pretty much doing her own thing. He and Ow tend to talk alot I guess, but what they talk about isn't anything different than what he and I used to talk about. With the exception that they do online gaming all the time.

Im just a pathetic mess. Im feeling the sting of abandonment again lately and I think that's part of why I still continue to rehash all this. It's times like this a rebound relationship sounds so good, just anything to get my mind off the pain.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,294
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Kimmerz,
BeingMe is absolutely correct...sit quietly and patiently...the answers will come. You can have arguments/disagreements w/the mlcer one minute and then next, they are as sweet as pie. It's evident that relationship and money discussions are sore subjects w/them, so yesterday was a different story because the topics were not brought up.

Generally, when the mlcer is nice and sweet, they are up to something or they've done something that you will eventually find out about. Keep your eyes and ears open...

Mlcers have this sixth sense that allows them to pick up on whether or not we have actually moved on w/our lives or if we still waiting on them. Our actions speak loud and clear to them, just as theirs will to us. If he's curious about you, I'm sure he will ask questions a certain way you will unknowingly tell him things. You don't know if he's talked to your daughters and they've told him things...trust me...he knows more about what you are doing than you think he does. After all, we are creatures of habit and they did lives w/us for quite some time...

If you aren't sure what to do, then do nothing. The answers will come, but you can't force the situation. If your xh is ready to work on the relationship, he has a lot of work to do and you do not want to take him back until he's proven to you that he really wants to reconcile w/you and he needs to earn your trust.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Kimmerz,
I realize that you are just thinking out loud, but a rebound relationship is not something you need to be involved in right now. You need to heal first and get your life in order. What would happen if you ended up getting into a relationship w/someone else and then your xh wants to reconcile w/you? You then have involved another person into the scenario and that person may get hurt because he/she has now invested time and possibly love into this new relationship w/you. This has happened numerous times on this board and the posters have admitted later that they wished that they had not done this until they were absolutely certain of what they wanted to do about the spouse/xspouse. It's okay to date and have fun, but you do not want to get seriously involved w/someone until your head, heart and soul are all in sync together and you are absolutely sure you are over your xh and will not reconcile w/him.

As for him possibly being engaged to the ow, I wouldn't ask him anything about it. They tend not to tell you the truth and will avoid answering you directly about such things. If this should happen, trust me, you will hear about it at some point in time. News of this nature doesn't stay shoved under the rug for very long. He would most likely forget himself and say something around your daughters and that would probably be the way you would hear about it.

You are not a pathetic mess, but you are allowing your mind to wander and thoughts of him are taking up entirely too much room in your mind and he's not even paying rent. Of course, you are not going to be able to avoid him....you have two beautiful daughters that you brought into this world and share custody with. You will need to learn to keep your emotional side out of the interactions you have w/him and think of the interactions as business for now. Yes, you will learn how to do this, but it takes time and patience. It's one step forward and two steps back...but you will get it when the time is right.

You asked if there were any posters that had happy endings. I personally know of one such poster who still remains in contact w/me and her name was whats_next. She and her husband are doing extremely well and her two children are growing up very quickly. If you do a search on her name, the thread you are looking for is called update-positive outcome. Yes, there are a few that have very happy outcomes, but they leave the board in many cases to focus on their relationships and do not return.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Wow, thanks Snodderly. Thanks a bunch. I appreciate your words of wisdom. They are a comfort on days like these. Though my day has been spent primarily sad, Im feeling much better. I just needed a processing day. I also know that when Im really tired, well then my entire world is off it's axis. I've just been exhausted lately, and when Im exhausted I tend to get overwhelmed over everything and then Im obsessing. It's hard being alone with no one to lean on. Not that Xh was ever one to lean on. I think Im just really missing my mom. I don't think we ever stop needing our mom's no matter how old we get. She died 6 years ago. She was only 63 years old.

Never in a million years would I ever want to inflict any heart ache and pain on someone else like it's been done to me. Thanks for the advice on how I really need to be in a strong place before I enter a new relationship. As for dating, I don't know what that is. I never "dated" before. I just went for the whole enchilada with XH. I would like to date, but all the nice and interesting guys are not in my town. Some of the singles guys in this town are friends of XH. No thank you....LOL.

It's true and Im aware of XH taking up too much time in my head, and no he's not paying rent! He's not paying anything! Lol. My aunt thinks he was extra nice when he dropped D9 off at work because he knows everyone probably doesn't think highly of him there.

Well as I write this Xh sent a text of his days off and started texting D12. Ok... just one thing I noticed. He's back to "group texting" us. He did this in early days after BD. He would text us after 8 p.m. during his office time at work... all 3 of us. He did this when he had her in the wings and me too, but I didn't know about her yet. I knew something was awful weird...he was compartmentalizing too much. Became too predictable. Well of course he doesn't text me while she's around. This is where I felt like the OW... like " quick, let me get in some talking while it's safe". That's actually comical.

I will try and find those old threads. Even though I don't really feel XH and I could ever establish another marriage, I do like to read about how couples have gone from really bad to rebuidling to thriving as a family and couple. I do know it takes a level of maturity and commitment for two people to do that. It gives me hope that some day I will have a phenomenal marriage, but I just don't think it's going to be with XH. Wish it could be, but he's got too much growing up to do. I'll be collection Social Security by the time that happens.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,910
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Originally Posted By: Kimmerz
He did this when he had her in the wings and me too, but I didn't know about her yet. I knew something was awful weird...he was compartmentalizing too much. Became too predictable. Well of course he doesn't text me while she's around. This is where I felt like the OW... like " quick, let me get in some talking while it's safe". That's actually comical.


That is funny because H never calls me when he is with OW. When he does call in her presence he calls "the kids" but not me. Of course when she is not around he talks my ear off and blows up my phone with calls and texts about nothing in particular. Yesterday he called me at work and left a message on my cell letting me know he was picking up D at daycare. So okay, good to know. When I got home he was upset that I didn't call him back. I said you left a message that you were picking D up. Why should I call back?

Frustration!!!


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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