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Kimmerz Offline OP
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Ok guys, the divorce is final.

My main focus now is to keep moving forward, do my best to not keep looking back, and start to let go of these shackles of anger that I still trip on.

When I have more time, I'll post the link to my last thread...not sure if I know how to do it anyway.

I am heading off to a track meet with MIL for D12. It will be great to spend time with her. She and I are friends and are close. It will be good to have the girls spend time with her and to get out of the house.

I realize that this anger I have is something that will only go away with time and Xh keeping his distance. I feel very much like a poked or tormented bear when he backs off then intrudes, backs off then interferes.

After great advice and insight I do realize that its me that has to end this. So I've decided that if and when XH starts to interfere and intrude again, that will be the time to have an honest talk with him and ask him to kindly back off.

Honestly he has no idea how hurt I was and have been, nor he cares. Because if he did, I think he'd have left me alone a year ago. I think that's the basis of my anger. The root cause. No validation of the hurt he caused us. His actions seem to speak to me that if he acts like everything is fine, then it will be fine and nothing ever happened. This is how he's always handled everything. He just acts like it's not there and go full force in another direction never to fully deal with the issue that made him turn away and put his head in the sand in the first place.

I realize this is the way he is. I accept that. But I don't have to accept his insensitve treatment.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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Good for you! I'm glad to see that you and the girls are going out today for the track meet. If you can maintain the friendship w/your MIL, by all means do so.

You are absolutely right...you do not need to accept his insensitive treatment...that is no way to treat someone, especially you. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

As for the anger, you are going through the stages of grief and it's going to take some time to work through that anger, but you will...I have faith in you!

Enjoy your day out!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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AJM Offline
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Awesome. I think you are on a healthy path that will help greatly.
Quote:
After great advice and insight I do realize that its me that has to end this. So I've decided that if and when XH starts to interfere and intrude again, that will be the time to have an honest talk with him and ask him to kindly back off.
May I say that a conversation isn't nearly as effective as "doing"? You may (or may not) find that reasoning with him is not possible. Having the conversation may be like having it with a three year old. You may have to do more than have the conversation and may have to enforce the boundary more assertively.

Something to be prepared for. It was that way in my case. No respect for a boundary unless I enforce it (as it should be really). I felt the same way. The thought was, "if you want to leave, then be gone." That's not how it works, but that's how it "should" have worked in my mind smile

The not getting an answer is tough to deal with. It really is. It's harder when they keep coming back for more interaction.

Keep moving...

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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I'm going to piggy back on what AJM has stated and just say "actions speak louder than words". Talking to the mlcer and requesting them to back off is like telling a child not to take a cookie out of the cookie jar. If they know that they can get attention, whether it is positive or negative, they will do it. Also, just are reminder, they may look at your request as telling them what to do...so instead, just distance yourself, do not return calls or texts right away and only address issues that are financial or child related. Do not share any of your personal business w/him. In fact, make him ask you about things. The less you say, the better off you will be and yes, it does send the message that you are moving on and will not there to prop him up.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Kimmerz Offline OP
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Hello,

Just got back from a lovely afternoon with MIL and a beautiful drive to see D12. WE got there just as she was throwing her shot put. She did well I thought but came in at 12th place. Im so proud of her! I so glad my kids are turning out ok. They really are good kids.

In regards to telling Xh to back off...well I have my reasons. I've done the acting "as if" and it doesn't stop him. When he wants something, he'll persist till he gets it. When the man has a goal in mind he will NOT STOP and do anything he needs to in order to reach his goal. See we never were able to communicate properly, and it seems that he and I have always interpreted eachothers actions for things that weren't intended. I know he wants a friendship with me or he wouldn't be so damn eager when responding back over small things, which really are just kid related now. Believe me, I know how the man rolls when he doesn't want to be friends. He's the master at freezing you out! I've only lived through it for 22 years.

For starters I know Xh well enough that if Im nice and cheerful everytime he texts me, then he thinks we're friends. This is what happened during the first 3-4 months post bomb. I thought we were reconnecting. He just thought we were friends and was very sad when I told him I didn't want to be his friend.

I like to treat people as I wish to be treated, and one thing I do not like is being strung along....like he did to me. Yes AJ, that is how my train of thought is too. If you want to leave, then BE GONE. Get your things out all at once, do not contact me unless it's kid related. Do not try to act like my best friend. Because you're not.

An important need for me in any relationship is openess, honesty, and kindness. Though He has not treated me like that, I will do it for him. Given this sitch, knowing Xh the way I do, I feel I do have to look him in the eye and tell him. Acting " as if" with him doesn't work. What kind of man thinks his wife doesn't love him or want a physical relationship with him when she's wrapped around him like a stripe on a candy cane? Gee wasn't I acting " as if" I wanted him and loved him? Hello??? LOL!

I literally don't know where his mind is at times. Ever heard of disassociation Fuge? He does this and has for as long as I've known him! He even admits it!

When I get over my anger, and it stays resolved for some time, I think I then can be friends with him, if it's wanted by either of us.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Mar 2012
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Hi Kimmerz,

I just wanted to say thank you. I have been reading a lot of your posts over the last few weeks and have benefited from them.

I found out about OW this week and that my W (we are lesbians) is definitely filing for D. I have gone into such a funk and panic about it. I feel numb, I am having trouble sleeping (I keep waking up) and it is so so hard to not keep my mind from spinning about her, OW, memories, things I did wrong in the M....

I read your post yesterday where you described when you found out about the OW as a type of PTSD and that so fit what I am experiencing the past week. It made me feel not so alone with the panic and pain I am feeling.

Thank you for sharing. ((( )))

Me: 51 W: 41
DP: 8 M: 3 T: 10
"Im not happy" 7/11
W moves out 10/11
Moves back in and out in again in 7 days 11/11
W wants to go to MC and work on things: 2/12
W ends MC and working on things: 3 weeks later
W moves out of state: 4/12/12
OW confirmed: 4/23/12


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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OOPS.. I just figured out the signature settings. smile


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: Sep 2011
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Kimmerz Offline OP
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Hi Guys,

Something changed in me over the last 2 days. Maybe it was getting out of the house and getting some fresh sea air and sunshine.

Ajm suggested to give it a little time after the divorce was final to settle into things because I didn't always have to feel angry and bitter towards my XH.

It's become clear to me that I need some help with my kids in order to get some very much needed rest and recooperation from the last year. My job has become over the top demanding, on top of the divorce, and I physically am now paying for it all. So I said to myself " Ok Kim look where you're at. You're exhausted mentally and physically. This is where you are now but you don't want to be. What do you need? You need time to yourself to rest, and take care of you. Piecing it here and there isn't working, you need bigger chunks of alone time. You can't either drive yourself nutts sending the kids to 3 family members whenever you can pull it off. Or you can actually depend on XH to step up to the plate and take what appears to be his genuine offer to help in anyway he can. Don't look at it as intrusion anymore, or control on his part. Look at it as help, because you know you need it".

With that thought being very mulled over for weeks now, I swallowed my pride and contacted XH yesterday. I asked him when his next vacation was. He offered the information right away that he didn't plan on taking any vacation until summer to take the girls camping, and that he only has 6 days vacation. So I brought to the table my idea. He and I plan our vacations at the same time, and he takes the kids a few extra days than normal so I can get some rest. But I had hoped to take some time off from work before school was out.

XH responds that the girls are welcome anytime at his place(that still sounds so weird when he says that)and that if I give him a few weeks notice he can ask for any days off or schedule changes so he can take them for me!!!! I about hit the floor. I said Thank you.

I also decided since he's feeling so generous to ask a favor. I told him if he was uncomfortable with this request I wouldn't be offended if he said no. I asked him if he'd bring home a Free gas BBQ I can get from work if I just haul it off.

He said " shouldn't be a problem"

I about fainted again.

Not sure if that means he has to check in with OW or not, or just his usual way of saying things since he always used to say that.

I have no expectations of this except he will help with the kids and bring me home a BBQ.

A year ago I had asked him to do me a favor and I got spew.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,294
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Kimmerz,
I'm glad you asked him to assist you w/the girls. They need to spend some quality time together and yes, you need a break as well.

From the posting, I get the feeling that the pressure is off of him because he got what he wanted, i.e., his freedom and divorce. If you can keep your expectations at zero, he just might step up to the plate more.

I'm glad to see that this worked out for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I'm very much in the figure it out mode so please forgive me if I bring things up that keep you from going forward. Here's a thought I have. Think about The Five Love Languages. Because our situations are so similar and you and I were very much a like in our marriages I wonder if your XH's primary or secondary love language is acts of service. People give in the way they like to receive. I believe my H's primary language is affirmations, but his secondary language is acts of service. He would always call me on the way home to see if I needed anything. I rarely did. In fact, I always had everything under control at home so I really didn't count on him for much. I believe that was a big problem for him looking back. So maybe your XH enjoys helping out. I guess it could also make him feel better about himself since somewhere inside he knows what he did was wrong. People who abandon need to have self images of being good people. Who knows. Just a few thoughts.

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