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Originally Posted By: snodderly
Once you learn to stay in the "safe" areas of conversations, their lips become loose and the subjects will need to be sifted.


THAT ^^^^^^^ is gold!

Sure, I poke the bear sometimes, but I generally KNOW I'm doing it...

As Snod says, they let us know what they WANT us to know. Sometimes, they slip... Mostly, I've learned to just let those slips go by. File them for later processing and reference. But otherwise I zip my own lips, deal with what I know is "important" and let her just chatter away as she needs...

I'm "being there for her" even though she doesn't realize it...

Feral cat, anyone...?

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I don't any of us expected to have to become cultural anthropologists when we got married.... laugh


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Kimmerz Offline OP
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LOl....no kidding T!


You know guys I was reading on womens divorce support site and there was an article on how to treat your ex spouse. It said that the divorced couples still tend to be emotionally entangled or intertwined with one another, and firm boundaries must be in place in order for it to stop.

I think he and I are both still emotionally intertwined a bit. I tend to go backwards with my recollections. A month ago I was going through the spare bathroom and discovered some massage lotion that I had been missing for a very long time. I needed it to help smooth the kinks out of his back. It was kept in the bedroom...yet why did become missing and in the spare bathroom? Knowing he's been putting matters into " his own hands" for some time I just assumed that's what it was.

But I just couldn't resist poking the bear on that one, so I text him and asked him if he put it there. I didn't expect a response, didn't care if I got one just wanted to let him know he didn't cover his tracks very well. What did he do? Give me a lengthy explanation as to that he didn't remember putting it there and then a detailed explanation of what was in the bathroom in the first place.

So...that was just WEIRD.

I really am beginning to think Im ready to shut the door on him completely. Im not seeing any progress and keeping this silly weird attatched/unattatched chit chat with him is just futile.
If I continue to keep this up it only frustrates me, and also gives him the idea that cake eating is ok as far as I can see it. I believe in being civil for the kids sake, but friends is just riduculous. We don't have to hate eachother but we don't need to have anything to do with eachother either. His mom used to go between the same guys on and off, dump one, be friends with the other, be friends with the one she just dumped and find another.... I just don't get it. Guess Im just not that open minded.


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My point being is his mother's many boyfriends and keeping up friendships with all her past relationships has given him the idea that this is normal and that this is how it should be. And maybe for alot of people it is, but not for me. Too much emotion involved.


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XH marries OW 6/2014.
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mmmhhmmmm, totally with you on that, Kimmer...

I don't have a problem being "friendly" with my W in the future, although how that looks in the future appears different to the both of us.

I will choose how to be "friendly" (that works for me) and... who knows... maybe some day in the future, we actually might be "friends"...

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Kimmerz,
In other words your xh did put the lotion in that bedroom and usually when they offer up TMI, they are covering their tracks and in many ways this is called gaslighting.

You will not see any progress w/his growth for a very long time. His growth will be from within and unfortunately, we don't see it for a while. He's still a teenager and it's going to take him a very long time because of his childhood issues.

You can be civil w/him, but you do need to go dark and only communicate w/him w/respect to financial information and your children. You need to stop initiating contact w/him over trivial matters because you are sending the signal of pursuit. He thinks/knows that you are still there on the sidelines for him. In order to send the correct message, you need to go dark and only contact him when absolutely necessary. If he contacts you via email, do not respond right away. If he calls and you have Caller ID, let it go to voice mail and return the call later. If you happen to pick up the phone, listen to what he has on his mind, cut the conversation short and tell him you are in the middle of something or getting ready to go out....He needs to see/sense that you are moving on and are not sitting there pining for him. Always remember, friends do not do what he's done you, as a friend. I'm sure that if you had done to him what he's done to you, he wouldn't want anything to do w/you and he would have made it very difficult for you during the entire divorce process. So, keep this in the back of your mind....he would most likely only tolerate your presence because of your children.

It's time to turn and keep the focus on you and your children. Leave him in God's hands.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hey Snodderly,
As always I really like to hear your input and insights into all of this.

I agree, time to go dark.

We only talk by text. He never calls me or emails me, because HE PREFERS TEXT.

I want to read up on the pursuit and distance scenario. I guess I figured at first if there was any chance of he and I reconnecting, then it was good to be in contact or make a small effort to initiate it. I do know he is the type that if you don't show interest in him, then he's got no interest in you.

However my feelings have changed quite a bit now that I really am starting to see him for what he really is. I guess I figured if he really did change, how would I know if he didn't feel safe to even try and make contact.

LOL....sheesh this MLC/ LBS/ GAL thingy is complicated isn't it? LOL.....


M=42 XH=44
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XH marries OW 6/2014.
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XH just text me that he called his corportate office and that they have not received the paper work for wage garnishment, hence me not getting any child support so far.

I asked him if he got any paper work in the mail and his response" I believe so I will dig through the pile and find it again".

I then asked him if he had the corporate offices address avaialbe because I had the DA on the phone right then ( and I did!) and I got the address right quick.

Obeservation: How does someone go from completely greed and selfishiness of money, to offereing me the entire tax refund, paying up child support of his own accord without any bitching about it, and cooperative with me in getting this done? This man NEVER COOPERATED WITH ME ABOUT ANYTHING, I had to do it all!

Gas lighting? Or my attorney and his attorney scaring the daylights out of him? His true persona brought out to light? Him knowing I will not tolerate this?


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
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Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Dec 2011
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Quote:
This man NEVER COOPERATED WITH ME ABOUT ANYTHING, I had to do it all!

Gas lighting? Or my attorney and his attorney scaring the daylights out of him? His true persona brought out to light? Him knowing I will not tolerate this?


Maybe he senses momma is mad...? I see this with our boys, they will do whatever, until they sense Momma has had enough (or calls Dad... smile. Then they act right (sorta, mostly, try to...)

smile

T^2


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Hmmm, LOL....well yes he knows Im mad alright, but it never mattered if I was mad, hurt, betrayed and devastated when he was in the first honeymoon throws of OW living together last fall and into last winter. Ohhhhh I was the bad guy alright....oh the blame and accusations are comical now that I look back at it.

I had read that the super self absorbed ( narcissist) are very much like small children, acting out in anyway to get attention, even if it's negative attention. They crave boundaries, though they will fight you TOOTH AND NAIL when you first establish them. Over time it can draw them too you. You can be kind but firm and let them know you made your choices to stand firm because you didn't see any other way to do it.

Well all I can say is that this next year will be very interesting.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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