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jc180 #2242438 05/03/12 12:52 AM
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Got a job offer today! I just need to pass the background check and drug test.. Which should be no problem. It is a great company and I really impressed the supervisors. what a huge relief.

I cant leave my son with my mom after all. So I decided to call my wife and ask to switch weekends. She said it was fine so long as she gets him on mothers day. Now I can go work out of town for a few days and not have to worry about him. It was a nice feeling not having her interrogate me. She didn't ask any questions at all.

My therapist told me she feels I am feeling unnecessary guilt. In her opinion I am already divorced because my wife has totally cut me off. she also feels I am feeling guilty because I may be moving on inside my head. I know that even though I am in misery I want to hold on to what I have. No matter how much it hurts or is not healthy. I need to shift gears and let the hurt go. That is the only way I can grow into the man I want to be. Maybe that is the way I can be more attractive to my wife. God knows she just expects the worse from me. I'm going to read the no more mr. Nice guy book on my down time at work this weekend.


Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012
jc180 #2242657 05/03/12 07:40 PM
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Congrats.

Remember you grow for yourself.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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So the work trip was a bust. I only worked one day. While I was there I took my drug test and filled out my paperwork for the new job. Also, my attorney called to check the progress of my negotiations with my wife. I told him She does not want to discuss it with me and she wants to handle it in court. He said out original agree,ent obly took us through the temp hearing. So now I have to pay him another sum to for the final court date. My wife is definitely trying to starve me of my funds. I am almost broke and I was hoping that weekend job would have paid me for at least 4 days.

I have been keeping to my goals this week. No more snooping even though when i get sad I want to check her Facebook page. I also have to keep reminding my self to focus on the positive. But it is hard sometimes because instead of thinking about her moving on with her life and who she might be with I start daydreaming about reconsiliation scenarios. I imagine what will happen when she wants to stay married. I don't think either focus is healthy. I really need to focus more on me. I started my 5 year plan. I think it is looking good. I just need to think about it more.

Ive been second guessing some of my actions lately. I think when my wife texted how was I doing a few weeks ago I should have replied that same day. She also asked if I wanted to see my son. Could that have been an excuse to see me? Ever since then she has not spoken to me in person at all. I know I shouldn't mind read but I really wish I knew the right actions or words to bring us closer. This hopelessness is drowning me. I thought things were supposed to get easier with time. The "no more mr nice guy" book is good. Not all of it applies to me so far but it is early in the book.

I believe I am in the last resort technique. However how do I let her know I am GAL if she doesn't speak to me.


Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012
jc180 #2243420 05/07/12 06:10 PM
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GAL is for you.
The space is for you.
This keeps you out of the drama.
This keeps you from the crumbs.
This keeps you from the gas lighting.

This allows you to focus on You.

Those second thoughts are part of the grieving cycle. Bargaining.
None of them would have made a difference. They are in the past.

All you can really do is work on you. Work on your plans.

Be an awesome father.

All this is for you.

Just think. If you got back with her tomorrow. As it is right now.

You would spend your years wondering if you were doing anything wrong. As you know the consequences of these actions. She leaves.

Your space.

This is for you to learn why and correct the lack of equality in your marriage.

Keep working towards your goals.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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I saw my wife today when we switched visitation. I had asked her in the past for a copy of our tax return and my wedding ring back. She told me she will get back to me on the tax return and that she will give me back the ring after our court hearing because she doesn't want me to wear it to court. I was angry at that. When she left I knew something was up and I checked the house out. Turns out some photo albums were missing. I called her up and asked her what she took. She claimed it was only her pre-marriage photos. I reminded her that the court order stipulated that no one was to take any photos or destroy them. She then told me I have photos on my computer that she cannot access because of my password. She said she didn't want me to destroy them. I thought that was ironic since I am the one trying who didn't want the marriage to end. I told her not to worry about me because she was the one trying to erase the past. So she told me "I guess this is an issue between us" and that was the end of the conversation.

Later on I went outside to bring in the trash can and check to see if it still had trash in it. Right on top of the trash was a bunch of pictures and gifts I had given her. One was an anniversary gift, a box with a picture of all three of us. I was so angry I texted her and told her I noticed what she did. She said it was all her property and that I don't concern her and I was just bitter. I am really getting fed up with her behavior.

I went to my attorney today to give him his payment. We discussed what happened and he is going to contact her attorney and reminder her of the restraining order against damaging property. He also told me in his experience her behavior is typical. Only it is usually the man and in this scenario I am the home maker. He told me he was not surprised that she didn't bring any character witnesses to the trial. Apparently the "man" in this type of case doesn't want anyone still in his life to know about his behavior. He also said they always try to screw you out of any money. It is a power thing for them. They see you as the enemy and they don't want to lose. This falls in line with what I have been reading about MLC. She is just not the woman I knew. She absolutely hates me and looks down on me.

Through all of this I have tried to keep the faith. I am running out of steam. I think i am reaching the point where my love for her is starting to no longer cloud my thinking. Some of the excuses I made for her in the past are no longer valid in my mind. I have to accept that she is not a good person. For so long I rationalized her behavior. Things from the past just keep popping up in my head and I am seeing them in a new light. After all who wants to admit to themselves that they married someone with serious flaws. Because I love her so much I explained everything away. I took responsibility away from her and placed it on myself. But now I ask myself why should I do that now? Like someone said earlier, she fired you as her husband.

My therapist has helped me realize some things about myself. One of them is that I have abandonment issues. My mother left my dad when I was 13. She moved in with the OM and his kids. From that day on I didn't see her for over a year. In fact I was the one who made contact with her first. So here I was having to take care of my younger brother. A crash course in home making while my dad got drunk and cried every day for months. Plus, my dad was not a very nice guy to begin with. He told me I was worthless and helpless since I could remember. No wonder I accept what my wife tells me about myself. When she says I am a liar, a cheat, and a manipulator there is a part of me that believes it. It must be true because it came from someone that is supposed to love me and care for me. But the logical part of me knows better now. I know that just like my dad she is projecting her own insecurities on me plus she is using her words to control me. LOL, I just realized something. Words mean a lot to me. I was always the communicator in our marriage. No wonder I got my bachelors in English lit!

You are right chatterbug. I don't want her back. At least not the person she is right now. I've been conditioned since childhood to be the peacemaker. I'm also use to verbal abuse. So if I went to therapy a long time ago to deal with those issues why would I invite them back into my life now? What would be the point? That would be a major backslide. During my first session the therapist asked why I was there. I said it was because I didn't want to be like my Dad and I didn't want my son to have the same relationship to me that I had with him. I didn't want to be that angry guy. If I took her back now I would be putting myself right back into that scenario. My son deserves better than that. He deserves a father who is not afraid of his wife. Who is not willing to let himself be emasculated in order to keep the peace. A father who sees himself as a Man. That is one thing I've thought about myself forever, that I don't feel like a man. I feel like a child with the responsibilities of a man.

I feel like it's okay to be mad at her. I need to give myself permission to be angry at her. Maybe it's what I need to give me some perspective.

Thanks for listening.


Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012
jc180 #2243925 05/09/12 02:51 PM
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You can be mad. You can be angry. But those thoughts are yours and yours alone to deal with. Do not make any choices out of anger. Use the anger to push yourself forward. Do not waste it.

Your childhood says tons about you. I see this.

You are able to get back on your feet.

You have spent a life of been chipped away at.

Since you are at the bottom right now.

Take advantage of it.

Keep building your foundations.

Trust. Communication. Boundaries. Respect.

Work on those four for yourself.

And build away.

This divorce is one of the biggest opportunities you will ever have in your life.

To make yourself into the man you want to be.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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Well today I had another argument with my W. She still refuses to return my ring and I asked her where is my half of our tax return. It turns out she filled out the tax return and signed my name without my knowing. Normally we pay but this year we got a return. So sent her a text a few days ago and she ignored it. When I saw her this morning I asked for half of the refund because my funds are really low. She refused saying because she has to pay my medical bills it balances out. I told her that was B.S. and she doesn't get to make the rules. I also told her I didn't authorize her to sign my name to the return. She got angry and said "where is this coming from" I guess because I've been nice up until now it is coming as a shock to her. Every time I see her she is wearing new clothes. So it made me angry that here I am being treated like the hired help and she has no worries at all. So I lost it. I didn't call her any names or yell, but my tone was very angry. Her matter of fact attitude pushes my buttons. Especially when she treats this Divorce like one of her business deals. Where she wants everything and I get nothing. She was shocked at my attitude and when she left I told her she her treatment of me was disgusting. I told her tell me again how you are a good person? She replied, "what?". I said "you know, when you told me over and over how you are good person and I was a darkness in your life. and that you haven't had sex with anyone" Her reply was, "so it couldn't be that you were a bad partner?" I told her ,"so how is that birth control working out for you?" Her eyes got big and her jaw dropped. She said, "you know how I am. when I get drunk I get crazy". That was the last thing she said as she pulled out of the garage. She was just shaking her head in shock and mouthing "oh my god."

I know it was not a productive thing to do, but I did feel better. Sometimes I just want to not be stepped all over and made to feel like a scumbag. The day before I had a great therapy session. I really let it out and made some great progress. My feelings are starting to shift from trying to repair the marriage to defending myself and my son. Now I realize that she is the weak one. Everything negative thing she tells me is her projecting her own insecurities on me. I know I'm not a bad partner. I stayed by her side whenever she needed me. When I needed her after my friend died and I got cancer her attitude towards me changed. I never got the support I needed from her. Instead she blamed me for getting sick. Also, when she told me I failed my son it stung worse than anything she has ever said to me. I realize now that I was not the one who failed him. It was her! She broke our vows, she checked out of the marriage, and she left him behind. I stayed and worked on things. What kind of woman tells her husband he is a bad man, and a user then turns around and leaves without her son? She did that the first time she left too. Only that time her mom got mad at her and told her she couldn't leave her son.

It is sad that when I think of her I still love her with all my heart. Only when I see her in person those feelings go out the window. So the person I love is long gone. The woman who is left is not the person I married. She wouldn't even be someone I would want as a friend.


Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012
jc180 #2244584 05/11/12 08:48 PM
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So sorry for what you're going through. I have recently had some major spouts of anger and have taken it out on my H. It feels good for a while and then I begin to feel remorseful. Things may be different for you because your W has been saying awful things to you. But making things ugly between the two of you could really put a strain on the future for your S. Just something to think about.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


jks #2244605 05/11/12 11:04 PM
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I am concerned about having a good co-parenting relationship with my stbx. However, I don't want to continue our current dynamic where I am the who carries all of the responsibility. How can we have a good post divorce relationship if she refuses to acknowledge her role in the divorce. All I hear from her is how she is a "good person" and I'm a darkness in her life. This just sets up an adversarial situation which puts my son in the middle. According to her current state of mind everything is my fault. Typical MLC behavior. Now what happens when we have a difference in opinion on what to do with our son when a situation occurs? Let me tell you I fully expect her to first blame me then put the responsibility to come up with a solution on me. since the begining she has not shown a true understanding of what divorce will be like. She has already indicated that she expects me to still be her emotional support by her behavior. How do I live in this situation where on one hand I'm liar, cheat and manipulator and on the other I'm a fantastic dad (all her words)?


Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012
jc180 #2245338 05/15/12 04:12 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 41
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Mother's day was not so great. I knew I would be feeling bad because of all that has happened. My W came to pick up our son with her parents. I was surprised at what I saw. She keeps hitting the gym hard and it shows. In fact she used to come home late from work because she was obsessed with losing weight. Her style of clothes is totally different than what it used to be. She was dressed very sexy with high heels, skinny jeans, and a blouse that was open in the back. This was at 7 am! In contrast to this is her face. She was obviously crying either the night before in the morning. She has a bad reaction when she cries and it shows for days. I noticed she made a real effort not to let me see her face. She turned away whenever she past me. I spoke to her parents and they are friendly as usual. I really miss them. They are the total opposite of my loud family. I liked spending time with them because they were so laid back and friendly. My W just said a few words to me about bringing him back in the evening. Later in the day 2 relatives sent me text messages telling me Happy Mother's day. It is kind of a joke that I had the maternal instincts in the family. It used to bother me but now it doesn't. I see now that it is a compliment because I was the one who did double duty taking care of our son. Also, I think because it was two mothers that sent me the text it makes it more sincere.

Things are getting nastier on the D front. Now my W is asking to postpone the hearing in order to do a Social Study. When my attorney discussed this with her attorney he told her that I didn't have the funds to pay for it. She suggested that they use the tax refund that my wife is refusing to give me to pay for the study. Wow, that made me angry. It has been suggested in the past and I absolutely believe it that my W is trying to drain me of my funds. No money plus no lawyer equals me at her mercy. So her she signed my name to our tax return without my approval and is refusing to give me my half of the refund. I am really low on money right now and work doesn't start until June.

I am also worried about the job offer I got. First the lab had trouble with my drug screening and now the background check people had a problem with their computers losing my information. I keep praying that all these bumps in the road stop. At this point it feels like I have a dark cloud stuck over me.

So my attorney suggested that we go to court asap because the longer it takes the better it is for her. Also, the final hearing is a few days before my training is supposed to start. If the court day is moved I will be in a bind. I can't very well miss training days because I have to go to court. It is one of those situations where if you miss a day of training you are automatically let go. Another worry of mine is that she is hiding money or had moved her saving and 401k. Technically she could have done so before the temporary orders were in place. So I have two options. One is if we go to court soon it helps my custody case but doesn't allow adequate time for discovery. Two is if we postpone the case for discovery and the social study It hurts my custody argument but I go to court with a full accounting of our assets.

I told my attorney that I want to err on the side of a strong custody argument. My son means more to me than the money. Let my W satisfy her greed and let me have more time with my son. I've been reading in the MLC forum and money seems to be a big issue for the walk away spouse. For my wife I see it as a control issue. I think she sees it as a way to bend me to her will even though she wants me out of her life. It is such a strange dichotomy. Case in point, months ago when I told her she was forcing me to live on peoples sofas she pointed out that she wouldn't let me have our son until she approved of where I was living. When I told her I couldn't get a decent place until I had a job she told me, "if you ever need money I expect you to come to me first." Now that I think about it this fits in with her history of emasculating me.

Well, she has another thing coming. Thanks to this site, the DR book, and my family I am in a better frame of mind. I'm not afraid of the D anymore. I read on another persons thread some words that stuck with me, "you don't have to be married to keep loving someone." I still love her very much, but if she wants to go then let her go. That feeling of panic is almost faded away. I thought what in the world was I going to do without her. Now I know that I can keep loving her and holding out hope for our marriage while still GAL. She can't control that. Only I can. She told me once that I needed to forget her. Fine, say what you will but if I want to keep praying for the best then that's my choice.

Thanks everybody.


Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012
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