NOTICE: We are running maintenance and pruning the forums this week and next. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them asap, as they may be deleted.
WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO KEEP THE FORUMS UP AND RUNNING.
HOWEVER, THERE MAY BE TIMES DURING THIS PROCESS WHEN THEY ARE DOWN.
THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING.
Page 7 of 10 < 1 2 ... 5 6 7 8 9 10 >
Topic Options
#2238975 - 04/18/12 06:34 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: HollyAnn]
sandi2 Online
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10888
wink
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Top
#2240810 - 04/25/12 09:07 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: sandi2]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Hi JC you doing well ?
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2241045 - 04/26/12 07:10 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: chatterbug]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
I'm still here. Since last time my W had to go through her first long stretch without our son. I was guessing that she would call me or text during that time because she said she was dreading not seeing him for that long. I was wrong. She didn't call once during the five days. In fact she the only time we talked was when we switched visitation. It was about her lost keys. We will not see each other for 10 days because when we switch visitation again she sent her parents. Of course I was hoping this time apart from our son would have an effect on her, but nothing. Every new milestone just drives her further away from me. I saw that she created a new Facebook page. First thing I noticed was that she changed her last name to a hyphenated maiden and married name. This really bothered me because it is something that her BFF did recently. She is the woman I believe my wife is emulating. The BFF said she wanted to regain her old identity while staying connected to her children so she hyphenated her name. I guess my wife is doing the same thing. This woman also recently got a divorce and she never had anything positive to say about me either. I know my wife is using her as an example of the life she wants to have. It blows my mind because my W is totally acting like a new person. Also, her BFF offered to introduce her to cop friend of hers back when we were trying to reconcile. I got angry when W told me ,but she said BFF was only joking. I know that I cannot put blame on anyone else but my W for her actions, but it kills me that she used to criticizes her friend and is now doing everything she looked down on her for. I also saw a pic of my wife at a gym class on the gyms Facebook page. She is smiling and posing with everyone. It made me sad that here I am in misery and she is GAL. I should use that for motivation.

I have been trying to move ahead and it is very hard. Moving in and out of our house is getting tiresome. Lately I have slipped into depression and bad behavior. I know that the bad behavior is directed at my wife. I want to hurt her indirectly so I fooled around. It only made me feel worse. I think it was also a way of feeling in control and trying to relieve the loneliness. Through this D i took pride in having the moral high gound. That i did everything to save my marriage, even now. Yet, i went and did this stupid thing. Maybe its a sign I'm giving up? Or maybe I'm just losing my mind. I guess feeling she is having an OM is taking its toll. Not to mention the nightmares and lack of seep. I want my wife back but I don't see any progress at all. I finished the divorce remedy book and it is helping. I just wish I read it before she moved out and I filed for divorce.

I saw my therapist today. She said I still have hope for my marriage. I do but is it healthy? You see I have this tremendous ability to take abuse. I joke with her that I take a licking and keep on ticking. I can't even stay angry at my W. Not even after all the nasty things she has said. I still am trying to be the nice guy. By the way I did buy the "no more mr. Nice guy" book. I need to start it soon.

I tried to negotiate with my W for the final divorce orders but she refused all of my proposal. Even after I reminded her that during the temp orders I offered her a lot less than she wound up paying. She is either very greedy or really hates me. Both? I am thinking I am going to stop negotiating because it is more of the same mr. Nice guy behavior from me. By offering to take less than my fair share I am trying to prove to her I am not the liar, cheat, and manipulator she accused me of being.

Thanks for the help. I wish I could buy all of you an ice cold beer for lending me your ears.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

Top
#2241413 - 04/28/12 11:26 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
I wanted to post a list of the books I got since the start of this ordeal.

Read:
*The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
*The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
*The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study
*The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage

Waiting to read:
*No More Mr. Nice Guy!
*Every Day a Friday: How to Be Happier 7 Days a Week
*The Road Less Travelled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth
*Hope for Today Bible
*Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships
*How Could You Do That?!: The Abdication of Character, Courage, and Conscience
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

Top
#2241415 - 04/28/12 11:37 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: LIO]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
Originally Posted By: LIO
JC:
I've read through your thread and I am completely impressed with your restraint. I aim to be that way as well.

Did the judge say that you had to move out of the house while W had visitation? Although at least you won't be at home while your W is there to rely on you as a 'nanny', but what is to stop her from going through all your belongings?


Our visitation agreement states that whomever has visitation stays in the home. It was a mutual agreement that the judge signed off on.

As far as going through my belongings. I keep all of my paperwork with me and the computer is password protected. If she snoops the only thing she will find is self help books and family pictures. All of which might do her some good to look at.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

Top
#2241741 - 04/30/12 11:42 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
JC. You gotta stop watching what she is doing. IT will just drive you nuts.

As long as there is an OM. You do not want this woman in your life.

You donot settle for anything less than a fully committed relationship that is between two partners who are equal in statue.

You do not settle for a woman who does not love you for being you.

You do not settle for being second.

You messed up.

So acknowledge. Pick yourself up. Correct bad habits. Keep moving forward. Keep working on yourself.

Keep building self-esteem.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2241889 - 04/30/12 09:29 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: chatterbug]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
Okay so today I got some good news and bad news. The bad news is that after 3 interviews at one place I didn't get the job. They were really impressed by me but they had a candidate that was transferring from within the company. The supervisor I spoke with suggested I apply for another position and that he would put in a good word for me. That made me feel better. I am looking into the position right now and I will apply for it.

The good news is that I got called in for a union job. It is for 5 days in another city. It pays well and the hotel and travel cost will be paid for. The down side is that it is during my visitation weekend. So I will have to leave my son with my mother for 4 days. I see it as something I have to do. I don't want to of course but I know that he will be okay and I arrange for some play dates while I am away. That way he doesn't get bored staying at home with grandma all day. I don't plan on telling my wife about the job. I think if I do she will use it against me in court. Maybe try to point out that I have no problem leaving my son for days at a time. This situation is not ideal but I take comfort in knowing that it is my W that put me in this position. Otherwise I would never leave for so long.

I also got a second interview with another company. I really like this one because I would have weekends off and get out at 8pm at the latest. They told me to set aside 2 hours just in case I pass the first interview I might be sent to the second immediately after.

After I see my therapist this week I plan on putting aside my bad behavior. It is not something I want to dwell on and I want it to be a lesson learned and move on. I want to refocus on being the MAN I know I can be. I think going to work this weekend will help me feel like I am on the right track. I will miss my son but I haven't worked outside the house in years.

Today I checked my W facebook page and saw some new pictures that made me upset. I really need to stop doing that. So one of my new goals is to stop snooping. It only makes me upset and it doesn't move me forward. It is another cheese-less tunnel. I want to be more solution orientated.

It appears that my wife has a pattern now. The last few times I have seen her she has not spoken to me at all. Today was no different. We haven't seen each other in 10 days and she did not speak one word to me. She just handed me our son and walked out the door. And when it comes to text and email she keeps it very business like. I think this is her way of coping. She has always had problems expressing her emotions and this is no different. I feel sorry for her because she has not grown at all through this experience. She just continues to put up walls in her mind and eventually they will fall and rush her with emotions. That is one of the reasons for the damage to our marriage. She kept everything inside while I ignored the signs. I truly believe that it will take years before she admits she made a mistake by leaving the marriage. It's not something I am hoping for or wishing for. It is almost like a foregone conclusion. I know this woman and she has done it before. She will hold in traumatic experiences for years then all at once they come out unexpectedly.

I was always there for her when these things came out. My therapist described me as her emotional crutch. She believes it was one of the reasons we were attracted to each other. She was looking for someone she could trust and coax out her emotions and I was looking for someone to make me the center of attention. Now I know better. To bad she doesn't. I wonder how many times in second marriages do we repeat the same mistakes?
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

Top
#2241919 - 05/01/12 01:02 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Hi Jc. That is good news on the job front. A beginning.

Send that supervisor and the interviewees a thank you note. You made a good impression. You never know where it will lead too. Life is long my friend.

It is also good to not say anything to your wife on the job front. I would make sure before you leave for the out of state job that you do not have to legally require to give your wife any info. Just to be safe.

Your bad behaviour. If it is something to truly set aside. Do not bring it up. A waste of time and money. Stuff happens.

Allow that moment to build your self esteem if that was your goal. And move on. Put it away.

You really only have to talk about it if you get in piercing. Else its mute... And has no ramifications on your current Reality.

You know what I am going to say on the wife's facebook..... I know its a tough one.

Ignore but record the pattern that you are thinking.... This is you dealing with post traumatic stress disorder.

Only in time will you discover that it actually is a pattern.

And business like. Yes. That is how it will become when there is nothing worth fighting about or getting the upper hand on.

Your goal is to keep it business like as you know she will change it when there is something she wants.

P.S.

Stop the mind reading.


As for second marriages ?

Depends on how you grow from this one.

The first one is still not over.

Remember this one can begin again if equality is restored and you both learn , heal and grow.

Keep working on leading by example.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2241920 - 05/01/12 01:19 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: chatterbug]
2chiquitos Offline
Member

Registered: 10/01/11
Posts: 1122
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
jc. about her pattern. don't look too much into it, just store it for later. continue acting as if.

and STOP SNOOPING!
_________________________
M 38 H 35
T7 (-2yrs separation)
S5 D2
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciling

Top
#2242220 - 05/02/12 12:30 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: 2chiquitos]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
I'm getting ready for tomorrow. It is a big day. I really hope to impress the interviewer. This job would be a perfect fit for me. I really need to work not only for my divorce case but to feel value and in control again. I know that it is a big problem for me because I have too much free time. I am trying to GAL as much as possible but without work I have a lot of time to let my thoughts run away from me.

I am really nervous about leaving my son with my mom. I know she is more than capable of taking care of him. However, I am so bonded to him it is going to be rough. I also am nervous about W finding out I left town. I will only be 3 hours away but I know she will overreact if she finds out. Even though in my mind this is part of what divorce is. When I have him he is my responsibility and as long as I leave him in capable hands it is not a problem.

My S behavior is starting to change. He is more clingy than before. For example at day care he used to just take a couple minutes to adjust and then join the group. Now he won't let me go and I have to sneak away. He also is more fussy now. I'm not sure what it is but I suspect it is separation anxiety. This makes me feel guilty about leaving him for 5 days. I know that I have to because if I don't get a job by the court date I will look bad. At least this way I can point to my interviews and this part time work as proof I am trying.

I thought as time went by this pain would get easier. I hope this last week is just a temporary backslide. I have a goal to do three things this week. First is to not look at her FB page. Second is to count my blessings whenever I start to dwell on negative thoughts. And third is to make a five year plan that focuses on living a single life. I feel like if I can do these three simple things I can start some forward momentum again. I've been thinking about trying the telephone coaching sessions. I want to feel like I exhausted every avenue to try and fix my marriage. This out of town job feels like a blessing and I think I might invest some of what I make in counseling. Call it planting a seed.

I may be feeling down but when I see my son I know it's not all about me anymore. He gave me strength through cancer and I know he will give me strength through this.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

Top
Page 7 of 10 < 1 2 ... 5 6 7 8 9 10 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004