A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 6 of 12 < 1 2 ... 4 5 6 7 8 ... 11 12 >
Topic Options
#2240673 - 04/25/12 04:06 PM Re: The Climb - Thread #6 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
Navyguy Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 349
Loc: Northern VA
Hey everyone, thanks again for the support and your comments.

25: I have considered taking the vacation w/o her...and I may do so. I'm not really sure what me "leaving her and taking the kids" would look like - does that mean getting an apartment and leaving? Or are you referring to starting the D process and going for full custody?

When I got home last night W was obviously still upset and tired since she didn't sleep much the night before. I think she spent most of the day in bed. I went about my business. As I was making dinner for the kids, she came into the kitchen. I wasn't sure if she totally understood the vacation - so I asked her if she knew it was for all 4 of us. She said yes.

So I asked her why it upset her so much. She said it was because she was hoping to make it through the day without acknowledging our anniversary. I just nodded.

And that was pretty much the extent of our interaction yesterday.
_________________________
BITS
M: 34
W: 33
T12, M9
D7, S5
ILYBINILY: June 09
Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11
W came home: 3/17/11
EE: July 2012
Official Member of the Rope-Dropping Club: Oct 2012
Piecing: April 2013

Top
#2240689 - 04/25/12 04:59 PM Re: The Climb - Thread #6 [Re: Navyguy]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10625
Loc: west coast
what a lovely thing for her to say...

Christ that woman has a mean streak in her or a seriously clueless one.

Navy I am So very sorry. It's men like you who inspire me to remember the goodness in so many other men,

and it's women like your w who make me cringe at times, on behalf of my gender, if that makes sense.

So, what are you thinking of DOING to change things?

It's NOT "anti-DBing" to change things up.

It IS DBing to try something new when what you are doing is not working.


((( )))
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2240702 - 04/25/12 05:42 PM Re: The Climb - Thread #6 [Re: Navyguy]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4858
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Navyguy

So I asked her why it upset her so much. She said it was because she was hoping to make it through the day without acknowledging our anniversary. I just nodded.





That was one of those times when you should just stop what you're doing, stare at them in disbelief, shake your head, and say "Wow."

mad


Unbelievable.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2240832 - 04/26/12 02:24 AM Re: The Climb - Thread #6 [Re: Starsky309]
JustStunned Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 1226
Loc: Ohio
Navy, there are times I disagree with Starsky’s approach. This is not one of them.

If the approach GB and Starsky have put forth doesn’t fit then modify it to fit.

If she is consuming as much alcohol as it seems she is then the children are at a greater risk for any number of negatives. If this is ignored then IMO you are complicit.

She is not teaching them positive coping mechanisms by numbing herself nor is she helping herself to heal. At a minimum setting some boundaries when the children are around is in order.

You are a field grade officer. A few of the hall marks that come with the rank are integrity, judgment, and decisiveness. What does your gut tell you to do?
_________________________
BITS
Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill

Top
#2240874 - 04/26/12 06:14 AM Re: The Climb - Thread #6 [Re: Starsky309]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
Navy
My anniversary was this last Saturday, so here is some perspective.

I'll start off with a tangent:

Ashleymadison the website for affairs reported that their highest number of registrations from women happen the day after valentines day, and the day after mothers day. The theory is that these women are reminded on those days how unhappy they are, and any attempts by their spouses to make those things special look like too little too late.

I think anniversaries fall under the same category, it's just a little harder for a website that caters to infidelity to catch that trend since everyone has different days. Nonetheless the notion that days meant to "celebrate love" only make things worse is clear.

So me and W have come to the agreement that it's not something we are going to do. There's huge pressure to make the day memorable, which means a bigger chance for disappointment. Let's face it whatever you did your W would just spin negatively either way so she's doing you a favor.

Anniversaries and valentines day to a WAW are just ugly reminders of how bad things are, when they "should" be right.

Don't get me wrong you W is still wrong for trying to pretend its not there, but what you did was only counterproductive IMHO.

I think it would have sent a stronger message had you ignored it.

Next time you find yourself debating whether you should celebrate one of these events ask yourself: does she deserve it?

Does she deserve to be celebrated for being your partner? Has she been a partner worthy of jewelry a nice card and a fancy dinner?

I believe you're supposed to be showing her that she's about to lose a good thing. Booking a trip just showed her that her reward for treating you like crap for 3 years is a vacation.

Top
#2240890 - 04/26/12 09:49 AM Re: The Climb - Thread #6 [Re: greenblue90]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
wow! gb90, i agree! thanks for making sense of this issue most of us have to deal with!
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


Top
#2241359 - 04/28/12 07:19 AM Re: The Climb - Thread #6 [Re: greenblue90]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10625
Loc: west coast
Though I'm not a big fan of measuring and questioning whether our spouses "deserve" our love, or when or how much (b/c I think scorecards damage marriages)...BUT

in your case I'd make an exception...seriously,

Your w already gets a lot from you while giving nothing but pain back.

She gets free baby sitting, tuition, room and board AND a scapegoat to blame all her problems, past present and future, on...

Bottom line, the reactions she gets from you are the same whether she's kind and loving to you, or treats you like crap.


That can't be right,

and it's sure not working. And your kids see it every day, 7 days a week...

Any chance you can go on the trip with your kids and a friend or sibling?

As in, without her?


I think it would be very healthy for you.

I took my kids (not h) to Italy for our 25th anniversary, a trip I'd hoped for and planned to go on with h...but when it became apparent that i'd be strung along til the last minute as to

whether h would come at all or for part of it (bc after all, WORK might call him and that would mean cutting back on a frivolous trip celebrating 25 years of marriage...) OR whether we were really married or working on it or getting divorced...the limbo annoyed me too much and the trip to Italy was something I'd dreamed of and saved for...

so I stopped assuming h would come.


Instead, I took time to plan it with my d's and we had a ball planning it ---it was half the fun...AND then going on it.

Best trip I'd ever had and there was so much LESS stress without h there! Who knew?

I can't speak for h but I am pretty darn sure it bugged him that he wasn't with us,
but even in his fog, he must have known at some level that HE created a situation in which I'd go with our children and without him - and have fun...

so who was losing out more, me or him? I mean it's not a contest but I CHOSE to be happy.

That meant I was going to be happy without him if that's what life brought me.

you need to get to that place Navy, and soon.

Is it pro- m? YES b/c I think it's the only way to turn things around

but if it doesn't,

at least you'll be happier and progressing foward,

that much faster...


You are a good man Navy. At some level you've stopped believing that.

Don't stop believing that.

Don't let her teach you to take this, or convince you thatyou are not a good man or that this is the best you can get... b/c that's a lie. You deserve better.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2241363 - 04/28/12 10:25 AM Re: The Climb - Thread #6 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
Agree with 25

Just need to clarify something. I also think score carding is bad. For years W kept a score card while I was too afraid to keep one for myself. So W wouldn't allow herself to be nice too me until the score card was clear. That usually took tons of groveling

Instead what I'm saying is to throw away the card and force her to throw away her card. Instead of keeping score just follow this simple mantra.

"if you're nice to me, I'm nice to you. If you're mean to me then I am under no obligation to be nice to you."

You don't have to be mean, just ignore her, and avoid her. If she asks why say its because she is being mean. If she escalates it further and says that she'll leave tell her that's fine, that you don't want someone who will be mean to you.

As soon as she is nice again, then you are proportionally nice. It's that simple. You don't hold it against her. If she continues to be mean because she refuses to wipe the offense from the score card then you continue to withhold the niceness.

The difference is that score keeping often turns into grudge keeping. What I advocate is to wipe the slate once she behaves.

Your goal is to slowly start creating a dynamic where your W gets less and less benefit from being mean, and more and more benefits from being nice.

Afterall Navy you have nothing to lose. What's she gonna do divorce you? Oh right she already threatens that. She may not outright say it every time, but she knows she can use it as a nuclear deterrent on you.

Which reminds me of one more thing if she is using the divorce card to win fights, you seriously need to call her bluff.

If she does it again immediately walk away. Refuse to talk to her until she comes down, and pretty much stay away until she either reaches out to you or demands to know why you are shunning her.

Then tell her this:

"you threatening me with a divorce is the worst thing you could do to me, it is quite gut wrenching emotionally, if this keeps going on things will not work out for us, and we'll never find peace. So I need some space to think"

Just be careful you don't say this midfight or you will really be adding fuel to the fire, because she'll probably think you're racing her to the divorce and will seek to beat you for maximum pain on you.

Disclaimer: these types of techniques are not your typical DB if your WAW is in the beginning stages this will just utterly repel them. This applies more in situations like Navy's where the WAW refuses to leave, yet refuses to work on the marriage. Which is a variation of cake eating.

Top
#2241371 - 04/28/12 12:15 PM Re: The Climb - Thread #6 [Re: greenblue90]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4858
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: greenblue90


Which reminds me of one more thing if she is using the divorce card to win fights, you seriously need to call her bluff.

If she does it again immediately walk away. Refuse to talk to her until she comes down, and pretty much stay away until she either reaches out to you or demands to know why you are shunning her.

Then tell her this:

"you threatening me with a divorce is the worst thing you could do to me, it is quite gut wrenching emotionally, if this keeps going on things will not work out for us, and we'll never find peace. So I need some space to think"


GB, I've agreed with just about everything else you've advised to Navy, but have to agree with this part ^^^. I think the way you've phrased this conveys emotional WEAKNESS, and would only PERPETUATE his wife knowing that she can use the threat of divorce as a weapon against Navy. I think he'd be far better off saying something like:

"Look, this is now something like the tenth time you've threatened divorce, and you know what? Knock yourself out, because I've done a lot of thinking and I've decided that this isn't working for me either. If you're going to do it, then DO it, or I will, but this is the last time I'm going to simply TALK about it."

And then walk away.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2241372 - 04/28/12 12:16 PM Re: The Climb - Thread #6 [Re: Starsky309]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4858
Loc: Florida
Sorry, meant to say "have to DIS-agree with this part ^^^."

Still don't understand why this is the only message forum on the internet where you can't edit your own posts. Grrr.... mad
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
Page 6 of 12 < 1 2 ... 4 5 6 7 8 ... 11 12 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004