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The first steps are always the hardest. It gets easier I promise.

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we're here for you and we believe in you.

I think we know you. You're not the bad guy. You never will be.

That comment^^^ Doesn't mean a thing about your wife, good or bad. She's not "our" issue or focus. You are.

This is about you, your growth, purpose and YOUR Journey.

You are one of the very good ones.

Stay strong, be brave, & act w/honor. Then leave the results up to God.


No one can ask for or expect more. (So Don't let them).

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
we're here for you and we believe in you.

I think we know you. You're not the bad guy. You never will be.

That comment^^^ Doesn't mean a thing about your wife, good or bad. She's not "our" issue or focus. You are.

This is about you, your growth, purpose and YOUR Journey.

You are one of the very good ones.

Stay strong, be brave, & act w/honor. Then leave the results up to God.


No one can ask for or expect more. (So Don't let them).

((( )))



whistle whistle whistle whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Hey everyone. Pretty busy at work today but wanted to get a semi-quick summary of what happened Sunday night posted up here.

W was again sitting by herself outside on the deck, smoking and drinking wine. I went outside and told her I needed to talk to her. I told her that I am concerned about her drinking, for her, for me, and for our kids.

I then told her that it feels like she is drinking so she can "put up with being around me". She concurred.

I told her that I will not live with someone that has to drink just to be around me and that I never in a million years imagined that someone would need to do so. I then used an analogy of me being someone's boss and them feeling like they had to drink so they could come to work. I think that helped her see that maybe I'm not the problem here. I dunno.

She responded with telling me she feels like I expect so much of her and that she feels judged. I told her that I think my expectations of her are next to nothing, and defintiely far less than a typical marriage. I also pointed out that I hadn't said a single thing about her in this convo, I was only telling her how I feel and what I am no longer willing to tolerate.

Then I told her I am "in the place" (using her favorite term) where I will not live like this anymore. If I am that bad of a person that she needs to be drunk and put on an act of pseudo-happiness just to be around me, I don't want to be with her. She is free to leave.

Then she tried going down the road of our past and all the horrible things I did to her. I stopped her before she got very far and said I have owned and fixed those things, and I can't do anything more about that than I already have. I then went back to telling her I am not willing to accept her current behavior.

Then she said she didn't know what it would "look like" if we split up and how we could make it work. I told her I hadn't really thought about it much, because I have always believed our marriage could be saved.

Then I speculated a bit on what it would be - we would have to have separate places to live (probably crummy apartments for awhile), she would have to get a job, and we would have to figure out some sort of custody arrangement with the kids. And I said it without fear. I acknowledged that it would be hard and painful, but that I think it would better than our current life.

I told her that I don't want to go down that road, but right now it is more appealing to me than continuing like this. I don't want to be a part-time dad, but I am not willing to subject myself and my kids to this life anymore.

The convo went on for awhile longer, but I stuck to my guns regarding her behavior and letting her know that I am no longer afraid of divorce.

I told her I don't need or expect a response right now, but just wanted to let her know where I am at. I ended the convo there, and went to bed.

I know this fell short of me telling her that I'm completely "done", but I think she got the message and knows that the clock's ticking...


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W: 35
T14, M11
D9, S6
ILYBINILY: June 09
Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11
W came home: 3/17/11
EE: July 2012
Dropped the rope: Oct 2012
Piecing: April 2013
Not piecing: April 2014
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Overall that was a good conversation, although I don't know why you pinpointed you as being the reason for her drinking. YOU don't make her drink and it's definitely not just your R that is causing her to drink.

However when you said that, it gave her a reason to blame you for her unhappiness when in the end it really isn't you.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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I think you did great. From here give her lots of space and and time. She must be an emotional wreck right now, so don't expect a proper response. You don't want her making large decisions on anger, or depression. That being said here is what I expect.

Expect her to stall, I still don't think she wants to leave the m. She needs to be able to escapegoat you, so she can avoid facing her own demons. So expect her to stall. If she was being resentful, expect outright belligerence. This because she wants to make you the bad guy, again to avoid personal responsibility. She could also try to call your bluff by making a lot of noise about divorce but not actually following through. I recommend you talk to JAG, maybe even get a "divorce packet".

The key I think will be to be as civil as possible and remind her that her actions have pushed you to this. Here is your mantra.

"I'm not pursuing this because I hate you, I actually want to work things out. I'm just don't think I can make you happy, so I'm giving you your freedom. "

If she gets angry just calmly tell her: "see I bring out the worst in you, I don't want to live with someone that dislikes me this much".

It's important that you yourself do not get emotionally embroiled, although she'll try do drag you down. As I was told don't jump in the pit with her. If she decides to throw herself in let her, and don't go after her. Also do not offer unsolicited help to get her out. Let her learn how to get herself out of the pit (handle her own emotions).

Don't press her for an answer, but be available to talk. If after about 2 weeks you don't hear from her, hand her the divorce packet. Prefill your stuff. It's important she realizes you are not going to play indecisive WAS games indefinitely like her.

If you are lucky somewhere along the way (preferably before the D) she'll snap out and say "what the heck am I doing?! I'm about to completely ruin this" and turn around. If not keep going forward, it's for the best.

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Oh btw kudos on how you handled her attempts to use the past to demonize you. That's the narrative you should stick to:

"I may have been wrong, and I'm sorry, but I've done everything I can to make it up to you. If this isn't enough than maybe it will never be, so you should just go now."

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Navy I think you did a great job handling that conversation, I'm sure it wasn't easy getting yourself up to do it or in the moment.

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"I'm not pursuing this because I hate you, I actually want to work things out. I'm just don't think I can make you happy, so I'm giving you your freedom. "

I really like that. I think I am going to steal it when/if I have to tell my W I am done and filing. I never knew what I would say, now I do. Thanks.


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T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
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No need to thank me, the phrase has served me well. Often WAW's need to demonize their spouse to justify their actions. It's important to hold on to yourself. I mean she will still dig deep to make you the bad guy, but it shouldn't be cause you caused it.

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