Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 20 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 19 20
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 889
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 889
Hey there Golf Mom!

You are so right, I never thought about it that way but it's true. All of us have put a tremendous amount of energy into acceptance and forgiveness of someone that's betrayed us and not a clue as to what's really going on with themselves.

I picked up a little book called The healing power of Forgiveness today. As I was reading it, all the sudden I had this burning impression that my stbx had/has been burdened with the inability to forgive all that had happened to him a few years ago. I think that could be the catalyst for his MLC, and partially why he held me ultimately responsible for his happiness/unhappiness. Of course I tried talking to him about this, and I know he listened, but Im not sure just where he arrived as to how he felt about it.

Im glad you're reading the Jed Diamond book. I find it very helpful to get this information from a man himself that's been through it. I also have two great posters on my thread that have really helped me understand a few things from a man's point of view.

For me, understanding = issue resolution = release of anger, and finally forgiveness.

I want to much to let all this anger and resentment go, but I can see Im really going to have to work on it.

So once again Im rolling up my sleeves and getting to work!


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 661
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 661
It's another sleepless night. I can't believe it's been over four months since I've had a good nights sleep. Finding a remedy is my number one priority this week. Since I've just started a new job I can't take time off for a doctor's appointment (I should have dealt with this before), so I'm going to have to try an over-the-counter sleep aid. I avoid caffeine and alcohol so that's not the problem. I also drink herbal tea in the evening and go to bed around the same time, but I'm still waking up several times a night. Any advice?

When I'm awake during the night I start ruminating. I need to work on stopping this. Another priority this week. Anyway, tonight I realized that one thing that's really bugging me is that when I have texting or verbal contact with my H and I say something that he disagrees with he attacks me by calling me crazy and dillusional. I absolutely hate that! Nothing I ever say is valid unless he agrees. He also accuses me of lying, especially when it comes to the boys and how they feel. This is why NC is important for me. If I don't hear from him then that's one less conversation to ruminate about. I've always been a little slow on the trigger when it comes to defending myself and setting boundaries. This is an area of growth that I've been focusing on and will serve me well once I've mastered it.

Yesterday was difficult. Another holiday spent as a broken family. After a terrible Christmas my boys had low expectations for the day and both were really surprised when they woke up and found Easter baskets. I've always enjoyed putting those together and I know they look forward to them, but they had written them off this year. I could tell how much it meant to them that I did that (even though I insist that they're from the Easter bunny - they enjoy the little boy fantasy even though of course they know the truth). Their gratitude and excitement reminded me how much they really need to be normal kids with as little emphasis as possible on our family situation. I certainly don't want to ignore it, but our day-to-day focus needs to be on living a normal, fulfilling life. After all, they only have one childhood and they've been cheated enough. I recently read The Five Love Languages and want to apply what I learned to my kids so that their "love tanks" stay full.

I'll be so glad when I meet with my attorney again this week. I need to give her the divorce papers and have a long discussion about kids, house and finances. It will feel so good to turn this over to her so that I'm not so worried about it all. I don't want to have anymore communication with my H about any of this unless absolutely necessary. In fact, I'm standing my ground when it comes to NC. There's really nothing for us to discuss. He's not currently seeing the boys (their choice) so we don't need to communicate regarding them. Unless there's an emergency I should be able to keep him out of our lives for awhile. Is that wishful thinking?

When we were driving home from my parents last night my older son and I were having a discussion about my H abandoning us. We both wish he could be legally punished for it, at least sanctioned. What we've experienced, including the continuing trauma is criminal. When someone is legally bound to another person, especially children, they should not be allowed to walk away without legal repercussions. In our minds, having to pay support is not enough. My H's acts were ethically, morally and legally wrong. I wish he had to pay damages just like anyone else who causes harm to another person.

Clearly, I have a lot on my mind tonight. Thanks for letting me vent!

Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 683
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 683
Hi GM,
Have been reading your post for a while now. To your question about a sleep remedy, I started to take valerian(herb), along with melatonin right before bed. Took about 2 weeks but finally got my insomnia problem under control, after about 5 months of very little sleep. Try them out befoe you go for a presecription, they wont work overnight, but given time they should. Sorry you are in this predicament, I am a couple of months ahead of you on the time scale.


m 54
XW 48
m 12
t 14
bomb 6-11
s 10-11
wife moved to other state 10-21-11
d 9-12

O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,549
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,549
I am sorry you are going through all of this. The only thing that worked for me at night was Tylenol p.m.. It actually kept me sleeping the whole night. My heart goes out to your boys and the pain they are going through right now. Your Ml'er will eventually suffer the consequences of abandoning a family. It comes very slowly though. Through these consequences sometimes comes pain, and through pain remorse.
The mid lifer will try everything to push your buttons. Don't let him, or feed into this. He wants to put you on the defensive. No contact, walking away, hanging up the phone should be immediate when this happens. They will say the craziest things to get a reaction from you.


Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Quote:
He's not currently seeing the boys (their choice) so we don't need to communicate regarding them. Unless there's an emergency I should be able to keep him out of our lives for awhile. Is that wishful thinking?

When we were driving home from my parents last night my older son and I were having a discussion about my H abandoning us. We both wish he could be legally punished for it, at least sanctioned. What we've experienced, including the continuing trauma is criminal.


GM - this is really not a conversation you should be having with your son.

No matter how mad or hurt you are, it's important not to encourage the kids in "choosing" you over him. The more you can help them cultivate some empathy for their dad, the better it will be for them in the long run.

I know, I know - you're thinking why the heck should he get any empathy? But if you can explain to the kids something about MLC and depression, and how sometimes it makes otherwise good people do very uncharacteristic things, it may help them.

Not that you should keep them from expressing themselves - if they want to rail against their dad, it's ok for them to feel they can express themselves. But it's also your job to let them know things are never quite black and white, and that some people crack under the strains of life.

My ex's parents split when he was a teen, his mom was the WAS and the boys didn't speak to her for years and years (one still doesn't, 30 years on). The truth is, she didn't handle things well but she's not a bad person (and her ex is a VERY difficult man) and the BURDEN of not speaking to her had a much bigger weight on the kids, than just having a polite long-distance relationship. So I would encourage the boys to have some kind of contact with their dad, however distant and polite.

Also, remember that the kids need YOU to be their rock. So you need to keep modeling for them what it looks like to be strong and move forward (even if you're not feeling strong) so they can feel safe in their world. The more you talk to them about your hurt, the less safe they feel (because they worry about you too then). Let them know that mom is strong and can handle anything, and that the three of you are still a family.

(Also - be forewarned, at some point they will probably lash out at you - because it's not safe to do so with their father. You just gotta understand that they only do that with the "safe" parent that they trust won't leave them.)

As for your ex - I think it's still most likely that he has an OW or left so he COULD have OW. But the parallels with his first marriage are uncanny. Have you checked a credit report on the two of you? Is it possible that he is hiding something else - like massive credit card debt, or an addiction of some sort?

Also - I recommend going to Dave Ramsey's website and listening to the archives of the radio show - it will motivate you as far as managing your money goes, and listening to it might help your kids see a path to financial security. www.daveramsey.com (I don't happen to agree with his politics, but the financial approach is dead-on).

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 661
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 661
kml, I think you may have misinterpreted my post. My boys don't want to see their father because he had used their time together to continue to justify his actions. He went as far as to say that he left because he dislike of me eventually overrode his love for them. Who says that to their kids??? The boys know that I feel strongly that my H is in MLC and I have read information to them which explains it. I have encouraged them to be compassionate toward him even though they are hurt and angry and they know tht I pray for him daily. My boys also know that I am strong (after all, I did land a good job after being a SAHM for15 years so that I could pay the mortgage on our house), but it's OK for them to see me grieving. That does not mean that I am in any way unstable or a poor role model. I am also not going to put up a smoke screen so they think their father is wonderful. He's not. If he wants to be a better father then he alone needs to work on that. It's not up to me. I have my plate full being a single mom.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 889
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 889
Golf Mom,

I wanted to let you know I completely can identify and understand what you and your boys are going through in regards to abandonment, resentment, and anger.

Not everyone is going to agree with my opinion on this, and that's ok. But my opinion is you have to handle your sitch with your children accordingly and how you know your children. You know your children and their personalities and how they express their emotions. Be honest with them.

See I felt it was very important my kids have a voice during all of this and their feelings be heard. I chose to tell the kids as much of the truth that I could without elaborating on the horrible details (spew) and drama.

What I do is I talk to them objectively. They've expressed anger and resentment about their dad. I let them talk freely, and even asked them some questions to help them open up a bit. I was honest with them and told them that I wasn't happy with their father's choices either and I was heartbroken as well. I let them know that there was nothing we could've done to stop this and it really was no one's fault. I told them that we do NOT have to like his choices, but we do have to ACCEPT THEM. And all that meant is we acknowledge what he's done and how he's living his life now. There was nothing we could do about it, as much as we don't like what he did and how so many things have changed.

See the kids are left behind too. They feel abandonment too. They need to feel safe to let out their emotions. Their well being through this has been my main focus. It was so hard to see them pain they felt. But enocuraging them to be honest with their Dad is what really helped them establish I better relationship that they continue to build with consistently now. My D12 let XH know without ANY DOUBT she was DEVASTATED by his relationship with OW, that he had just REPLACED ME, and her family unit was broken. Infact it was my D12 that I feel woke him up a bit. Of course he had to spew at me about it a few times, but spew is par for the course so I wasn't suprised.

I agree if your H wants to be a better father that he must work on that. He must start to rebuild that bridge that he's burnt with his sons. This is the hard part but it takes its own course quite well. His relationship with the boys is his relationship with the boys. Any conflict with them, he needs to handle. What's hard is that the boys will have to learn to address this with him on their own as well. Avoid getting involved in their issues unless it's necessary that you do. Be prepared for your H to start blaming you for any conflicts that may arise between him and the boys.

My xh made me the scape goat for the girls being so angry at him. He tried picking fights with me over Christmas vacation because D12 was at his house overnight the first time and crying her eyes out because she missed me. That infuriated him, and he accused me of making her feel guilty for having fun. I just played it cool, and he literally had no response.

And that's my advice. Keep it cool. Don't write/text or talk to him about the emotional issues the boys may have over this, because quite frankly the MLcer's don't care and won't even acknowledge it. That's what I did, emailed about the issues, and Xh ignored it and didn't even respond. I think he thought I was making up stories. Boy did he get a rude awakening and find out the truth.

It got very nasty with Xh and children, so bad I had to get my attorney involved. It wasn't until I got my attorney involved and my daughters standing their ground in making their feelings clear did xh start to become compliant. Then he started being a little nicer. Then he started being a lot nice...and still is.

Once again Im so sorry about all of this...for I've walked this path and still am! However you are doing so well, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Those sleepless nights...Valerian root did the trick for me.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
I did the same as Kimmerz with my kids (age appropriate, of course), they went and did their own research on MLC, (peri)menopause, empty nesting, etc. I made sure they knew that it wasn't their fault, that Mom didn't like it either and that no matter what, I wasn't going ANYwhere and that things would be okay in the end. They really stepped up for their ages...proud of them. smile

Sleep? Melatonin (5-10mg), Valerian root and Fenugreek. My mind is hard to turn off analyzing, future projecting, trying to find what I was missing, fear...etc. I needed the help sleeping, and detaching and placing the sitch in God's hands eventually helped the most...

smile
T^2


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 661
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 661
Thanks so much for the sleep aid advice. I will definitely try those things. I swear, every week brings a new challenge. My H said in a text last Saturday that he would deposit money to pay for my attorney's retainer. Well, it's Wednesday and he hasn't done it. Is this his way of getting me to contact him or is he just not that concerned about whether I have the money I need? He's been very good about money to this point with the exception of sharing his bonus even though he knows that a percentage of it will eventually go to me. He's the one who rushed to file for divorce and he knows that my attorney needs to respond within 30 days, so what's going on? I did tell him via text that once the retainer is paid that I want to have minimal contact with him. So is he stalling now and wondering what he wants?

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,294
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,294
Likes: 112
golf mom,
It appears that he is dragging his feet a bit. They scream and stomp their feet for a divorce, and yet, many will drag their feet until we do the final bit of work to just get it over and done with.

Or....

He could very well have forgotten about it...their brains do tend to turn to mush during mlc.

Or...

He is pulling a passive aggressive act on you since you stated that once the retainer is paid, you'll have minimal contact w/him. PA folks can be pretty manipulative and controlling in a very subtle way.

Whatever is going on, please do not "expect" him to do anything. Your expectations will have to be zero at all times. Unfortunately, you can't rely on them for anything, i.e., they say they will do something and it may or may not get done, the same will apply to finances and that's why it is so important to watch the bank and credit card statements.

I would try contacting him one more time and see what type of response you receive. If you don't hear from him, I would see if my lawyer would be willing to accept a smaller payment up front, but explain what has happened and then work out a payment schedule until you can get your finances in order.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Page 9 of 20 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 19 20

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard