This is one of the hardest emotional things that I have done in my life. 180's....ones that will really matter in my R are tremendously difficult.
After w snapped on me a little yesterday night, she sent me an e-mail this morning. She works at a high school and has the summer off. She has already scheduled a trip to CA for herself and our son to visit a friend. Today I received an e-mail from her saying that she wants to take him back to IA this summer to visit family (her dad is having some health issues)and wanted to know the maximum number of days that I would be willing to let her go.
Instantly, my mind flashed back to last night and her snapping at me when she misinterpreted a question as "pressure". I am still kind of hurting a bit from it, but I will get over it. I wanted to respond to her e-mail and say that I really am not in a place to think about this right now. That I am mentally and physically exhausted regarding everything that is going on - that I don't want to think about long stretches without my son this summer -- that there are court guidelines in place that dictate travel and days away -- that I Just. Could. Not. Deal. Now.
Then I remembered something that I have learned in this process: a lot of my initial emotional reactions are wrong.
Would THAT reply move me closer or further away to my goal of keeping my family together - even after D? Would a negative reaction provide W with more evidence that things are still the same? That I think about what I need first, and then her? That I don't see the value in HER family and our son's time with them. No, I could respond in the way that I would have so many months ago. Yes, it was hard as hell to give the response that I gave:
"I am very supportive of this. It’s important for the family. We have court orders that dictate travel/maximum days away – but to be honest, I do not care about them. Do what you think is right for you, S and your family – and I will support it."
I know there is probably something wrong with that reply - but I felt it was the best I could do. It was an incredibly difficult thing to type- especially given that my feelings were still kind of hurt from last night. There is no way in hell that I could have replied like that a year ago. No way.
I guess what I am saying is nothing new to people that have gone here before me. The process of changing yourself...REALLY changing for the betterment of yourself and your family is HARD. It is easy to give lip service to, but to LIVE it - holy sh*t is it tough. I once said in one of my first threads that I always said I loved my wife and family - but never truly lived it. I am fighting an uphill battle, but I am trying to live it now - even though I am late to the party. Maybe too late.
I know these changes are for me...and for good. But I still hope that her heart takes notice eventually.
Thanks. I don't know if ti really does me any good. Sometimes I don't even know she notices the changes, or if she even cares or relates it to our relationship. I don't even know if she knows how much it hurts me for him to be gone. I know I should be doing this with no expectations at all - and I am trying to. Really don't have a choice. It's just a lot of deep breaths to take.
I hope she is serious when she says she is open to working on the relationship. She hasn't said exactly what that means to her, but that is why I am trying this hard.
i don't think any of us would be here if we didn't have expectations. we bought the book and joined the forum with the expectation of stopping a divorce. i think we can lower our expectations but when they are completely gone, we're done...and you're not done.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I hope she is serious when she says she is open to working on the relationship. She hasn't said exactly what that means to her, but that is why I am trying this hard.
This is why I believe it is important for you to ask her next time she brings it up.
"W when you say you are open to working on the relationship, what does that look like to you?" And then validate like hell when she tells you.
I still believe that the time is coming for "Asking For What You Want" from your W. She is hell bent on the D, and if my memory serves me correctly, it is just weeks away from being final, correct?.
I asked this the other day and I will repeat it again; when is the best time to ask for what you want? Before the D or after?
There is no need for you to answer, just think about it.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
So the problem I think I have with asking her what "working" on the relationships means/looks like to her is the VERY same thing that burned me yesterday. Her feeling that I am putting pressure on her. Pressure to say something, pressure to DO something, pressure period. I absolutely see the need to ask - but she is so hypersensitive to pressure It's tough to ask. I have this gut fear that she is going head for the hills if she feels pressure of any kind.
It's a crummy position to be in, if I am being ridiculous - let me know!
I don't have a ton of knowledge, but can tell you my W is the same way. We can go for days and weeks getting along great and if I attempt to bring up the R or M it does freak her out.
And she also states that she likes my changes, but then tells me she is waiting for the other shoe to drop. It gets very frustrating.
Thank you SIW - it helps to know that others are on the same cycle. I hope things turn around for you. At a bare minimum, she has noticed your changes. Looks like you have only been at this since March or so, so that is a good spot to be in. Work on making them last. Which, I will tell you, if you are doing it right will probably hurt like hell.
As for me, today has been kind of rough. I am praying for more peace and patience because lately I feel like I have been working so hard and not really getting a lot back. I know that things have gotten better relative to where I started, but I still feel as if there has yet to be one true moment when W says she is 100% committed to working on things. At the moment, it seems all that she is committed to is the divorce.
It is a difficult things to process - working so hard on changes, being better, relating better to W and she seems to only be working on divorce. Maybe I am being dire here, and maybe I am just exhausted from effort and not seeing the big picture of all that I have accomplished over time. But today, I feel as if I am all give and no get when it comes to my situation. I know that in signing up for DBing, that I was signing up for doing most, if not ALL, of the work. It's just hard to keep that in your memory when for so long you toiled under the impression that two people have to work at it AT ALL TIMES. Some days in this process, you just want her to give up.
DB is a tremendously challenging thing to do. For me it is right now, anyway. I am doing my best to gut it out but if I have several days in a row like today I don't know how I will be able to keep it together.
If this was the type of pain that I was putting my W throught without knowing - "I'm sorry" doesn't even begin to cover it.
