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#2242994 - 05/04/12 11:16 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: ~ kd ~]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1307
Hell, KD - you might have got it right the first time, who knows. And you are right about reacting. Truthfully, I think I have gotten better at it - remember the tongue lashing I got in the car a few weeks ago? I remained pretty calm during that ordeal.

2TP, good analogy. I am a bit scared to move in reverse, but maybe it is necessary to move forward.

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#2243076 - 05/05/12 01:56 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1307
So last weekend w had son. She also had two friends in from out of town. Weeks prior, she had asked me if I could watch him on Saturday night so she and her friends could go to dinner. I agreed - no problem at all.

They went to dinner, I watched son - no problem. Sunday morning rolls around and I have no idea what her plan is. She texted me and asked if I wanted her to come by and pick up s. I said no. She responded that she wanted to spend the day with him (her friends were still in town). I said "oh, I didn't know what your plan was. It's your day so I'm not going to keep him from you". I then asked her to let me know when she would be coming to pick him up.

She replied and said she was ok with me keeping him and that she just wanted to see him later that night at dinner or something (which we did).

Last night she texts about taking him to Sedona again. When I said I would like to keep him since it was my weekend and I missed him, she replied "I assumed that since you got him extra last weekend you would be flexible. Wrongly assumed",

I didn't reply. Old me would have, but I am not taking the bait. She ASKED me to take him last weekend so she could have dinner with her friends. I didn't ask for her time. I was doing her a favor and fail to see how that put me in her debt. So now it would appear that I am the bad guy. Despite the fact that I have been beyond flexible and accepting in the past with scheduling and have never asked for a minute of her time with him. I'm not sure if she is being reasonable.

I am trying my best.



Crimso

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#2243079 - 05/05/12 02:13 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
Funny how she wants you to be flexible only when it serves her needs, and that she can't be flexible to serve your needs. You're right, she is not being reasonable. Good for your for clearly stating that you wanted your S on your weekend. I don't think her last message requires any response from you.

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#2243082 - 05/05/12 02:16 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9082
Loc: Sonoran Desert
You're only the bad guy if you think you are.

She can think whatever she wants and will.

Not your business.

Enjoy Son today.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2243084 - 05/05/12 02:18 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Ignore her, she is baiting you. Time to detach some, IMO.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2243088 - 05/05/12 02:43 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: 2thepoint]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1307
Yep - pretty sure I was being baited. Purposefully or otherwise.

I just let it go last night. This morning I started fresh and sent a pic of s in his PJs - she responded happily and positively so I guess she is over it - maybe.

Small victory, but I am happy that I did not get sucked into the vortex last night. Old me would have jumped in without even looking trying to make her see my point. Progress on my part.

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#2243089 - 05/05/12 02:46 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9082
Loc: Sonoran Desert
There may not have been anything for her to get over other than the momentary realization that you disagreed and she was wrong in her assumption.

Mindreading creates scenarios that may not be true and then spins us off into anger and resentment land.

Not worth it.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2243090 - 05/05/12 02:52 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: labug]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1307
Good point ^^^^^. I tend to extrapolate her thoughts a bit. And never really in a positive direction.

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#2243128 - 05/05/12 05:30 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: ]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1307
I thought about doing that, GM. Then I always wonder if that screws with me trying to be consistent at all times - even during "strife". Notwithstanding, I think my reaching out for the weekend is pretty much over until I hear from her.

She texted me and said she wasn't feeling well....chill, aches....feeling wiped out. This has been happening frequently during the last several months. I will never go back down the "something is organically wrong" path again, but part of me still believes it - and there is nothing I can do or say about it. She'll feel like she has at the flu for a day or two - and then it's gone, not to appear again for about 3-5 weeks.

Crimson

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#2243156 - 05/05/12 10:24 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 11314
I have been thinking on the questions you asked me.

"Do you think I did the right thing in supporting her trip to see her family with S even though it extends beyond parameters established by the court?"

First, let me say that you made a sacrifice in giving, when you gave her your time with son. I know it had to have been extremely difficult to tell her. However, I wished you would have waited longer before giving her your answer. I think it might have been better to tell her you would need time to think about it. I mean, like waiting for a few days to think it over, at the least. She will "respect" the wait. Maybe in the future you can slow your responses down a bit. (JMHO)

I have a couple of reasons for saying so. For one thing, it stings like heck already b/c you have been the one to adjust your time to her wishes. Either you share son's time with her (on your time) or you keep him so she can go out or when she's not feeling well, right? Now you've agreed to a good bit of the summer time to be spent away from you. Yes, it was a very generous and kind, supportive thing to do! Everyone applauds you. If you believe you made the right choice, then that's what's important. I know you are trying to make up for past issues. I just hope that she won't continue to take advantage of your intentions now.

Do you feel that she has you over the D barrel at moment? You have been the spouse who has made the changes. You are the spouse who wants to work on the M, now, without going to D. I think you keep looking for her to start to show signs of wanting the M to survive. The type of WAW that Michele refers to, is not the wife who leaves b/c she wants to begin working on the MR. The LBH who is trying so hard for so long can start to lose steam b/c he's looking at the W for signs. I think you'll agree you've watched your W for signs of wanting the M to work. It gets you down, doesn't it? Will a D change how you watch her to make a move that tells you something?

"How does a WAW "work on the relationship" especially after the D? What should I expect? Or should I expect nothing?"

I don't think she's going to work at a MR until she feels the desire to live the rest of her life with you, (including staying with you after the son grows up and leaves).. Listen Crimson, have the two of you spent any time together without the baby around? If it wasn't for him, would she have anything to do with you? (She freaks at the thought of going to dinner just the two of you alone, b/c of the word "date" may be attached in your vocabulary.) Maybe the child is the real reason you are desperately trying to keep her in the M. I have concerns that the time spent is always with the baby in between the two of you. Which leads to my next reason I wished you had thought longer before agreeing to let her take him.

I keep going back to her saying she was willing to work on the R....after the D took place. Well, I've heard others say their WAW wanted to get a D and then start dating each other, so even though it sounds crazy.....it's not the first. But I have to agree with 2pt (I think it was him) and ask your W up front just what does working on a R look like to her. She may be referring to a co-parenting relationship, instead of a marriage R! (Maybe you should ask her to be specific, instead of driving yourself crazy wondering about it.)

If the child she has presently is not her motive to stay with you, then it stands to reason that another child might not be reason to stay in the M with the father. I keep wondering about her wanting another baby with you but not sure she wants to be M to you? Why would she not think she had rather meet some man of her future and have his baby? IDK, it just doesn't quite line up. That's why I suggest you ask her, instead of heading for the divorce court blind as a bat, or assuming that she will stick to being "open" to working on the R. I don't like the way she said "open", as if she is going to tell you she never made promises to work on a R. She just said she would think about it.....(that's what being "open" means to me.)

As a rule, we usually say that when one is in the LRT, not to talk R. But in this case, I think you're very close to being past the LRT. I think it would be wise to ask what she means. Don't assume anything. Don't try doing this in a TM, either. Think of how to word your approach, since it doesn't take much to set her off. IMO, you deserve to know what the woman means when she says "open to working". and what kind of R and how that looks in her eyes. Is she referring to a friendship, or something more? IMO, it's down to the line and both of you need to know what the heck is going on.....what the other one wants to happen.

There comes a time that you have to take care of your future, Crimson. How long are you willing to continue doing exactly what you've been doing these past months? If you don't ask her what she means, you will continue through to the D and on down through time....wondering what she is thinking or what she intends or means by her statements. Just simply ask her to expound on it! Tell her to explain what she means so you won't misinterpret her statements. Wouldn't any adult respect a person for asking to clarify?

She tells you that it puts pressure on her, but somehow I don't think a D is going to cause her to start calling you or spending time alone with you, when she doesn't do it now. Being unavailable to her and spending your time with others (since you'll be free), just might redirect her thoughts, but I don't think just getting a legal D and continue doing what doesn't work....will change the outcome you desire.

"How does a WAW "work on the relationship" especially after the D?"

I don't think she will, unless you drop the rope.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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