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#2242979 - 05/04/12 06:11 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1133
In sticking with my tradition of humiliating honesty, GM and 2TP, I am terrified to some extent to open the topic of conversation.

One of the awful cycles in our realtionship that we could never seem to snap was me coming to her openly, calmly and honestly with something that was troubling me or making me unhappy - and she would take it as criticism or me finding fault in her. Then, somehow, what started with me trying to voice a concern ends in some kind of argument and her being upset.

I fear that asking her "what does working on our relationship mean to you" - will result in her saying "I don't know" and then set the table for her to AGAIN say I am pressuring her and become angry - and the shut down. I won't let it turn into an argument.

I literally get an uneasiness in my chest just thinking about it. This may just be one of those times where I have to gut it out and just deal with the consequences knowing that I am going in with good intentions.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2242982 - 05/04/12 06:20 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
gabbysmom23 Online   content
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5090
Loc: NJ
Well, where is the fear getting you?

How can you rebuild an R and work on an M when your fear speaking truthfully to your wife?

You're going to have to get over that fear if you want any chance of being with your W for the long term.

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#2242983 - 05/04/12 06:21 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Sometimes Crimson you have to back track a little in order to find the path you were meant to travel. Don't allow yourself to freeze in place. If you don't keep moving, you will die...figuratively speaking of course.

Quick story to help cement the point....

Many years ago I was rock climbing in Joshua Tree National Monument and I got stuck on a rock face. I literally froze in place, arms clinging desperately to the hand holds, feet slipping out from underneath me. To my right was a sheer 30 foot drop off to a field of rocks below. I could not move! My arms were shaking and I was sure I was going to fall. I remember in an extremely panicked voice telling my dad and friends who were with me that I..was..going..to..fall!!!!! I was terrified!

Just then 2 climbers wearing these special grip shoes walked right by me on my left. They were upright and walking right by me! It was then that I realized my fear was in my head and all I needed to do was muster the courage to STAND UP and start walking. I did, and I lived!

You can too!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2242986 - 05/04/12 06:25 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: gabbysmom23]
gabbysmom23 Online   content
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5090
Loc: NJ
You have to be able to talk in marriages, both parties need to be able too, else they just don't work. If you cant talk open and honestly about anything because she feels criticized, well then SHE has a problem, and if you don't fix that problem together, it isn't going to work.

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#2242989 - 05/04/12 06:46 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: gabbysmom23]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Crimson, an unfortunate truth is that your M will end in D.

First, do you like the eggshells?

Second, is walking on the eggshells helping?

Third (and I say this, because I'm already dead and working on this exact problem)... it is not how she reacts to your open communication. It is how YOU react before and after HER reaction...

Bit by bit I'm letting it out... "I feel...", "I felt...", "I am concerned...", "I find / found / what works for me..."

No intended criticisms... I speak from a place of me... put it out there... and let it go... no expectations...

I can talk the talk but may not walk the walk. You decide if you really feel as though the R talk ("what does working on our R mean to you") is important to you... a hill you wish to die on... if you don't know if she is working on it... then she probably isn't... We don't see it often, but when we see other members announce their S is wanting to work on the R... it's a very clear message... until then... your W probably doesn't know what it means to her... so she just doesn't have an answer... and just isn't... working on it...

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#2242990 - 05/04/12 06:46 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: ~ kd ~]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
erm, I meant your M MAY end in D...

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#2242994 - 05/04/12 07:16 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: ~ kd ~]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1133
Hell, KD - you might have got it right the first time, who knows. And you are right about reacting. Truthfully, I think I have gotten better at it - remember the tongue lashing I got in the car a few weeks ago? I remained pretty calm during that ordeal.

2TP, good analogy. I am a bit scared to move in reverse, but maybe it is necessary to move forward.
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2243076 - 05/05/12 09:56 AM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1133
So last weekend w had son. She also had two friends in from out of town. Weeks prior, she had asked me if I could watch him on Saturday night so she and her friends could go to dinner. I agreed - no problem at all.

They went to dinner, I watched son - no problem. Sunday morning rolls around and I have no idea what her plan is. She texted me and asked if I wanted her to come by and pick up s. I said no. She responded that she wanted to spend the day with him (her friends were still in town). I said "oh, I didn't know what your plan was. It's your day so I'm not going to keep him from you". I then asked her to let me know when she would be coming to pick him up.

She replied and said she was ok with me keeping him and that she just wanted to see him later that night at dinner or something (which we did).

Last night she texts about taking him to Sedona again. When I said I would like to keep him since it was my weekend and I missed him, she replied "I assumed that since you got him extra last weekend you would be flexible. Wrongly assumed",

I didn't reply. Old me would have, but I am not taking the bait. She ASKED me to take him last weekend so she could have dinner with her friends. I didn't ask for her time. I was doing her a favor and fail to see how that put me in her debt. So now it would appear that I am the bad guy. Despite the fact that I have been beyond flexible and accepting in the past with scheduling and have never asked for a minute of her time with him. I'm not sure if she is being reasonable.

I am trying my best.



Crimso
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2243079 - 05/05/12 10:13 AM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Funny how she wants you to be flexible only when it serves her needs, and that she can't be flexible to serve your needs. You're right, she is not being reasonable. Good for your for clearly stating that you wanted your S on your weekend. I don't think her last message requires any response from you.

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#2243082 - 05/05/12 10:16 AM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7796
Loc: Sonoran Desert
You're only the bad guy if you think you are.

She can think whatever she wants and will.

Not your business.

Enjoy Son today.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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