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"probably" leaves a lot more room for hope than "definitely" smile


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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Quote:
. And if she does not want to be with me, then I guess it is her loss. I am a good man that made stupid relationship mistakes - not out of hate, not out of malice, but because I simply did not know. It was never because of a lack of love. My heart hopes that she can see that and forgive and be willing to try again.....but I can;t control it.


Great post, Crimson.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Crimson Offline OP
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Thanks.

I feel as though I am teetering on the edge of a backslide. Really trying to gut it out and distance myself from things.

I asked her to tell me when she reaches the point where she thinks our relationship is a true lost cause - because that is when I will give up. She responded "ditto to you".

Crimson

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Gut it out, you can do it! And I say that as I feel a too am teetering on that same edge.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Hi Merlot here,
I'm not sure about the technical working of the forum but I know I need to post and hear from one of you.
These last few months are doing making me spin.
Anyone out there?

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Just don't know what to do right now. I feel as though completely disappearing is the wrong thing to do. But the pain of casual, happy interactions while she is still going full speed toward D is a lot to take. It's as if one side of her is saying to me "keep working on things" while the other is saying "I am out of here!". I don't know what to believe. If she really wants to work on things and says she is open to it, why the need to go through to divorce? Why not remain separated while we work on things? What is so "magical" about divorce? Is there some sense of freedom that she is hoping to obtain? I just don't get it.

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Originally Posted By: Crimson
Thanks.

I feel as though I am teetering on the edge of a backslide. Really trying to gut it out and distance myself from things.

I asked her to tell me when she reaches the point where she thinks our relationship is a true lost cause - because that is when I will give up. She responded "ditto to you".

Crimson


Crimson, Hang on in there.

Remember what MWD says right at the start of DR: we might not know what will bring our Ss back, but we know for sure what will drive them further away: pressure, questions, pursuing, R talk.

Give her time. Do not backslide. The more time you give her, the more she will trust your changes.

And on this point of giving time even when it seems that the spouse has made up his/her mind that it's over, you might like to look at AliSuddenly's threads which are listed at:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2033737&page=1

I've suggested this reading to others who have an MLC sitch: the genders are reversed for you, but the gist is, the WAH was a definite goner and was SO not open to R.

But finally... he came around and they ended up in piecing and had a long-awaited baby.

Ali is a great chronicler and the understanding that can be had from her posts is something that's saved my sanity.
Hope it helps you too.

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Thanks, NLW. Never saw those posts before. I will review.

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hi crimson - even though i'm teetering every time there is a little bomb, so i'm not the best example - and i don't know if this helps to say this, but THIS is the time when you have to have even more faith, even more trust in yourself and not lose sight of the big picture,

the less they feel our resistance (any resistance) the less they feel pressured. could you try maybe to stop thinking about the divorce thing and just keep focusing on DB'ing and your 180's etc, and everything you were doing before the d thing came up?

i'm suddenly waking up to the fact that resistance is the key to this somehow - and even though we may act as if we aren't, we "emanate" it in some way or the other and that's what they pick up on. so i'm working hard to give up any and all resistance on every level to my sitch and truly go with the flow - it is giving me a lot of peace of mind - and i hope it can give that to you also.

hang in there, and remember that even a divorce is not the end of your efforts - it's just a detail - even though a really really hard one to deal with, the real thing to focus on is continuing your DB'ing efforts. don't let the d thing override what your true feelings are about saving the r.

take care
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Thank you, zig. I am keeping focused on my true feelings of saving the relationship - it is without a doubt what I want. Divorce or not.

Looking back, I don't think I have resisted much of anything or questioned her decisions once I started looking inward.

One of the hardest things that I am dealing with in terms of just letting go is the financial hit I am going to take. Keep in mind, I am just venting here because I DESPERATELY need to get this out. My family is more important than money - I know that. That said, I am really struggling with losing so much from the retirement that I've worked so hard to acquire over the years....a lot of sacrifice to build for a better future together. Same deal on the stock options with my company that I worked so hard to get. All of these things I did for us, for our family - and she decides that she has lost her feelings from me and takes major chunks of all of it. I feel like I just got pushed back down the ladder even further after years of trying to be responsible and plan for tomorrow. I've even had to stop contributing to my 401K in order to keep up with the payments that I have to make to her - so that account is being cut in half and I don't even have the ability to build it back up again. She is taking vacations with S, buying a new car, clothes - and I am getting anxious just buying groceries. I know she is entitled to everything legally according to the state, but it still is hard to deal with. I worked so hard to provide for our today and tomorrow - to build our dreams - and it's all going away.
Does anyone have advice on how to cope with this? It's killing me. Let me stress again before I take a beating - I know my family is more important than money. It's just hard to work so hard for it and have it taken away.

Sorry - just trying to be honest.

Crimson

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