The land of confusion

[Brit45]

Speaking of difficult sitches I met a woman today who found out her husband was having an affair while she was going thru chemo...so yeah...

Also as hard as it is to live with him I sometimes wish I hadn't pushed for him to move out. I could have db'd better. So use this time wisely!

[vera be fierce]

Thanks for the comments.

I was wearing a miniskirt for my GAL on Monday and H saw it when I got home. Anytime I wear something new, he asks, "is that new?" So, he's looking, but he's also Captain Obvious about things and if we are walking he will literally point out six things like "There's a red flower right there. That's a small dog." So I think it's partly just him making friendly conversation because I have no expectations that it's anything more at this point.

I did go grocery shopping by myself last night after work even though he had been asking about when "we'd" be going this week. He was a little surprised and had to go by himself to get his own stuff this morning. Tough!

[vera be fierce]

Speaking of difficult sitches I met a woman today who found out her husband was having an affair while she was going thru chemo...so yeah...

Also as hard as it is to live with him I sometimes wish I hadn't pushed for him to move out. I could have db'd better. So use this time wisely!

Ugh, that is terrible!

I am trying to use this time wisely but am struggling a little since I was the one who kicked him out of the bedroom immediately after the bomb and then told him over the weekend to take some of his clothes, too. Cheryl and I had talked about whether it would make sense to invite him to come back to the bedroom, no strings attached. I don't think that's good for me now (although I had been planning on bringing it up before he filed for D).

Aaaaand of course as I was typing the above he came into where I am sitting to ask whether I was going to be around tomorrow. I snapped a little because I knew he was asking to get me served and I told him that I've already told him multiple times that I'm working on getting my L set up and I can't just find one overnight and once I have that I will let him know and I'm not trying to slow things down as I understand he is anxious to get this moving but I need some time to get myself set up (pretty much all in one breath). And then I turned away after he said "Okay" as he was leaning on the door frame like a little kid. After I turned away he said, "Are you okay?" and I responded "I'm fine."

Rar. Going to the gym in a little bit. I think I'm a little irritated because I really, really did not like the L I met today and I'm going to go with a different L. I actually felt ill leaving today's consultation. Glad I checked out a few options.

[needgrace]

Hope there was a punching bag at the gym. I would have needed one after that.

((( )))

[vera be fierce]

Haha, thanks. No punching bag but I got in a great workout and hit a new personal best running while thinking affirmations about how awesome I am and how I am running toward happier days and healthier relationships.

Awhile back I may have mentioned that H got in the mail an engagement party invite and then a save the date from his best friend and that I was conspicuously not on the address label. I sent his friend and fiancee' a small engagement gift off of their registry anyway (I have known them for many years now). It's supposed to be delivered tomorrow. I'll be curious to see what the reaction is but I have no expectations about it. I felt like it was the right thing to do... even if they throw it away thinking it is cursed

[scaredsilly]

why do people do that? send an invitation to your home and leave you off? my H's best friend did that, too, with a save-the-date notice for his son's wedding.

i called my H and asked him to please tell them to send any further invitations that don't include me to his office address so i don't have to see them.

later, they sent the actual wedding invitation to both of us. when i remarked to my H, he said he had not mentioned it to them. so, maybe they came to their "etiquette" senses, but more importantly, why DIDN'T H mention it to them?? are their feelings more important then mine?

crazy.

[YankeeCandle]

Hi Verab,

I've read through your sitch, and I have to say it is awfully like mine in many many ways. The details might be different, but it's a similar character we are dealing with. That whole, "Let's be friends" but "We're not together". The whole, "I'm tired of working on things - nothing works!" and "This is so heavy." Once they leave, it's like they become really comfortable and passive suddenly. My H will come to things I invite him to, but (unlike your H) he rarely asks me to do anything. Still, he sends me appreciation out of the blue by text, and sends me jokes via email. Basically, they hold on to you but don't want you to hold on to them.

I would say don't let them hold on to you if at all possible - then things are not so comfortable for them anymore and that is a good shakeup they need. But for me, I've noticed that ignoring him completely doesn't work either. He just ignores me right back. So, I haven't found the solution there.

I've been in this for coming up to 6 months now, and I am none the wiser I must say. At times, I just can't take his confusion and call him and tell him to get on with it already. Like you, I told him I don't want a D, so he will have to do it himself if that's what he wants. Like you, I was always the one who did the research and got things moving in whatever we did. And again, like you, I too have a smart LOUD mouth that I have been learning to tone down and let go. Regardless though, he still doesn't want to know. He's being stupidly stubborn.


He seems to be more worried about his reputation as a good guy than anything else. Is your H the same? They seem to suffer from a fear of being the bad guy or something.

I - like you - have gal'ed so damn much I am actually living a different life, in a different home, hanging out with different people. Still, no divorce/no reconciliation. A whole lot of limbo really.

So, I think it is really good that you are moving on and getting your own space. Not sure it will be the wake up call he needs (my H simply got used to my move really, yes, he's always been adaptable).

BASICALLY, they are chasing shadows. Just like Brit45 mentioned, there's a wake up call they need. Hopefully you will be strong enough (stronger than me anyway) to go with whatever happens after a you hit the nail on the wakeup button. I'll keep an eye on your sitch - it could be very helpful for me. Thanks!

[vera be fierce]

Hi YC, thanks for stopping in. Your thread was one of the first I read on here because of the title.

He seems to be more worried about his reputation as a good guy than anything else. Is your H the same? They seem to suffer from a fear of being the bad guy or something.

Yes - he explicitly stated this during MC in one of our last sessions. I think it's partly why he is trying to act "nice."

I - like you - have gal'ed so damn much I am actually living a different life, in a different home, hanging out with different people. Still, no divorce/no reconciliation. A whole lot of limbo really.

Limbo stinks. I feel like I'm not quite in it because I'm on a steep, long playground side and I'm trying to slow down as much as I can by pushing against the sides with my hands and feet because I know the end of the slide is the D that H wants. I'm just trying to be able to land with as much grace as possible to get up and keep walking after I hit the dirt at the end. I guess DB'ing is the pushing against the sides to slow down the slide but I'm still concerned that going along with things too much to give H the space to proceed with the D is like giving in, folding my arms, and just closing my eyes until I get to the end.

Alright, this metaphor is getting a little too convoluted. Moving on!

BASICALLY, they are chasing shadows. Just like Brit45 mentioned, there's a wake up call they need. Hopefully you will be strong enough (stronger than me anyway) to go with whatever happens after a you hit the nail on the wakeup button. I'll keep an eye on your sitch - it could be very helpful for me. Thanks!

I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for! Hang in there.

I'm still thinking about sending small cards to his close family thanking them for their love and support over the time we've been together. Not yet. But I'm thinking about it. I had been hoping that someone in his family would try to talk some sense into him, but that was probably too much of an expectation. I was just telling someone going through the same situation about how it hurts to think that H's closest friends are probably the ones saying to him, get out if you're not happy, etc., especially when one of them is an IC and is about to get married.

[Brit45]

You are doing amazing. It's hard and you have to think on your feet with him living there so don't be hard on yourself if you don't say anything perfectly.

Also don't answer him until you feel ready. While were living together I did something rash and now will never get a piece of jewelry back. long story but if I had just waited a day and said let me think of that I would made better decisions.

[needgrace]

Hi V,

I love the slide metaphor... I have felt the same way. I think when I was pushing against the sides, she felt like I was trying to control her and that confirmed for her that she needed to keep pushing. I think it also made her feel guilt and that made her feel the need to push more too...

Now I am just sitting there waiting for her to push me down. I will not push myself but I am not actively trying to hold on. (I had asked her to slow down far too many times as she has been so impulsive and moved so quickly.)

I have no idea if my new strategy will help, but I know the old way wasn't working. Odds are a true long shot. But now, the choice is 100% hers, not a response in any way to my actions.

Your situation is far more difficult with H living there and having contact. I admire your strength. I like Brit's idea of saying that you need to think about things before responding. (I did that when we were splitting up stuff prior to her move so that I would not regret my sudden decisions.)

Hang in there, V!