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#2241249 - 04/27/12 07:22 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: Snowman]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11165
First off, you stop "helping" her. You can't control whether or not she goes to al-anon. She's going to go or not go whether you make dinner or not.

You don't sink to her level of cutting her off completely, but you stop the enabling her bad behavior.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2241279 - 04/27/12 08:48 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: MrBond]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
snowman- thanks for the advice. it is a fine line. i'm still trying to figure it out, you are right.

bond- i've been thinking the same thing. i txt her today and told her when she gets off work we have things to settle. didnt say what, but it's about money. she thinks she gets more than her share and that just isnt happening. she txt me back and told me i havent been available to talk to. so maybe i'm getting better at GAL. i do want to stop enabling her. i know that is what i'm doing. i'm a cook, chauffer, babysitter, housekeeper and handyman. except i'm to dumb to get paid. i'm sick of being treated like this and letting myself get treated like this. i need to be very careful i don't say this to her the wrong way. she has a tendency to misunderstand and then call the cops. oh well, she thinks she gets to go start this rosy new life and leave me stuck holding the bag. i'm this close to emptying the bank account
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2241399 - 04/28/12 02:41 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
i wrote something. somehow i deleted it.

my wife came home late and wanted to vent about her bad day at work. i listened and tried to empathize. i didn't offer advice or try to "fix" anything. then she wanted to "talk". she yelled at me and said a bunch of hurtful stuff. i stayed calm. told her i'm sorry she feels that way. i understand. the past is the past and i am moving forward. i know she is hurting and i'm sorry for that. she yelled some more and went to bed. i couldn't sleep. usually i cry after something like this. no tears came.

am i starting to detach? am i doin the right things? i dont know. i am getting the feeling this isn't going to work out. i fear i have pushed her to far trying to "fix" this. it's been 5 months almost, and i see no improvement. she moves out in 2 weeks. i go to jail soon. maybe this time apart will be good. i don't know. i'm scared. i know that
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2241423 - 04/28/12 04:03 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
alby44 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/13/12
Posts: 27
Loc: Pittsburgh, PA
Um wow...our situations really do seem eerily similar. W was out with other hens last night playing bunko up the street. Came home and we started talking...she paused and said just b/c we were talking doesn't mean anything has gotten better. She then proceeded to tell me that she's so angry with me about her parents that she wanted to run over me with our car. nice huh?


Anyway, you did the right thing...stayed calm and didn't let your emotions take over. perhaps that is why she reacted that way? the fact that no tears came says that you're in fact probably beginning to detach yourself. keep it up!
_________________________
Me (34), W(30)
3 kids (7, 5, 1.5)
Married 9 years

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#2241426 - 04/28/12 04:13 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: alby44]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
alby-

lmao..a car huh? i've heard that among other things.. maybe they are long lost sisters or something =). i don't know how to reach her, so i think i'm done trying.. scary thing is i find myself planning for what i'm going to do after the D. then i get all wierd and want to "fix". probably need to just let go. i don't want my kids to grow up in a split family. doesn't seem to be anyything i can do about it tho. from alot of research and talking to others, it seems alot of women turn 30 and start questioning where their lives are going. happened for me. i could be way off. just an observation.

i think you are right about the staying calm thing. i think it pissed her off even more when she didn't get a rise out of me. she tries very hard to say the thing she knows hurt me the most. i'm not taking the bait anymore. at least thats my goal.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2241476 - 04/28/12 09:53 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
venting.....

she makes me sick. she ignores everybody to txt on her phone. kids ask her stuff and she doesnt even hear them. i ask her something and i might as well talk to a wall. has time for whoever is on that end of the phone. not her family. does nothing for the kids anymore. then has the nerve to say its my fault.

i dont want to even be around her now. i still love her, but am sick of being treated like this. this isnt getting any better. seems to be getting alot worse. i find myself hardening my heart. im thinking more and more about giving up and thats not like me. a real crappy 180 if you ask me.

she says i get $500 of our money. she needs the rest to set up a life with the standard of living that the kids are used to. but i wont even be able to pay my rent, so where does that leave the kids. wtf!!!! no wonder divorce sometimes sounds good.. uuugggghhhh!!!!!!!!
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2241494 - 04/29/12 01:12 AM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
HB - The frustration you are feeling is totally understandable. The world and your emotional stability has been yanked out from underneath your feet and you are hurting, badly.

In order for you to survive this ordeal and possibly save your marriage, you are going to have to do some things that will seem opposite to what you think you should do.

You have already demonstrated that you understand the value of validation and listening. Do more of that. Repeat back what she is saying so that she know you are listening. Empathize with her position on things. When she starts to yell and spew vile comments at you, calmly tell her that you are happy to listen but you will not be spoken to in that way and if it continues you will walk away.

This is setting a boundary of respect and you must enforce that boundary. Don't do it in a way that confrontational. Just tell her what you expect and follow through.

The emotional torment you are experiencing is very painful. I've been there and continue to experience it to this day. The only way to muscle through the pain is to detach emotionally from your W's actions and hurtful comments. It is not easy but it is possible. Getting a life away from the pain is part of the solution. Your exercising and running is a good start. But you need to find other things to occupy your time and your mind. You AA meetings and time with your Church are also helpful.

Have you read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting yet? If not, please do so, as soon as possible. If money is short, you can probably find a copy at a used book store.

It is good that you are posting frequently on the forum. Continue to do so. The more you post, the more help you will receive from other forum members. I would also encourage you to read up on other posters situations. There is a ton of wisdom that even if not directly provided to you, can be of help to you and that you can learn from. Make the most of the information available and you will find that you will be better able to weather this storm.

Wishing you all the best. Hang in there!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2241496 - 04/29/12 01:19 AM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: 2thepoint]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
One other thing. The texting that is driving you nuts is totally understandable. My W did the same thing and it was infuriating! When you think you can do this in a way that will achieve the desired result, consider telling your W that her texting in front of you or the kids is disrespectful and you would like for her to stop. This is setting another boundary. She may ignore you but she will at least respect that you are taking a stand on something that is important to you.

Oh, what meaningful 180 are you working on? What has she told you were behaviors that she objected to and what are you doing about it?
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2241498 - 04/29/12 01:33 AM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: 2thepoint]
Merlot Offline
New Member

Registered: 04/28/12
Posts: 9
Hi, I'm a newcomer to DB. I see to the point is on. Can you see me?

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#2241499 - 04/29/12 01:42 AM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: 2thepoint]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
2thepoint-

yes i have DR. read it twice through and different parts everyday. my 180 is to stop asking questions. going horriby. she asks me stuff all the time. gets mad when i am vague. wont answer anything i ask, no matter the subject. i read alot of other posts. you are so right about the wisdom here. GAL is so hard. i take care of the kids all the time. thats why i dont understand her sayin she will fight me for custody. she doesnt seem to want much to do with them at the moment. once we separate im supposed to have 1 week with the kids 1 week without.. maybe then i can do other stuff. it [censored] cuz my kids are my world. i definitely will do something. been entertainin the idea of training for mma.

your advice is spot on. thank you. especially with the texting. it is so disrespectful and drives me nuts
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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