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#2244563 - 05/11/12 06:56 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: Brit45]
Underdog Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 6289
Loc: Denver
Hey Fifi,

How's it going? Too quiet here on your thread...

smile Betsey
_________________________
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

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#2245175 - 05/14/12 10:11 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: Underdog]
Maggie3 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/12
Posts: 157
I also came to check on you- hopefully you are too busy and happy to write
_________________________
Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12

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#2245246 - 05/15/12 06:01 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: Maggie3]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/24/12
Posts: 96
I am still here eek I have been so confused recently, so this post may be a bit all over the place.

The kids have been having a really hard time and I have had trouble coping with that. I do text/ call my H every time there is an incident and he doesn't really say or do much except to say "that's sad" or "that's upsetting". I am so disappointed in him, I thought I married such a "nice guy". I am reading the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" and I am starting to see how he really isn't as "nice" as he seems. That his personal issues extend way beyond what I realized.

I am really making progress in my personal therapy, and I see that there is no way that I can return to my previous relationship dynamics. They were so dysfunctional. From reading these boards and working with my IC I see that we had a pursuer/ distancer relationship. Guess who's the pursuer:)

We had a session with our MC today, for "co-parenting therapy". He is all over the place. He did say that he didn't mean it when he said he never loved me and had never been attracted to me, and he was crying when he said it. I didn't react or respond, I think I am too detached at this point. I said "thanks for telling me that, it really hurt my feelings when you said those things." All day after the session (our D2 had a Dr appt) he kept trying to rub my back/ touch me. But I resisted his touches.

I feel like he is trying to bait me back in because he can sense my detachment. I don't want to let my guard down because I don't trust him anymore.

I am thinking about scheduling an appointment with a mediator. I want him to file and list himself as the petitioner. He is still wearing his ring (I took mine off about a week ago), and hasn't moved all of his stuff out yet. But he is not a H or friend to me at all. He is just passive aggressive enough to never file and keep stringing me along for years. I guess I shouldn't have named myself "fighting for it" after all.....
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2245335 - 05/15/12 04:03 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
Underdog Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 6289
Loc: Denver
Fifi,

First of all, I think your name is a fitting moniker. Fighting for it means the whole caboodle. Not Fighting for Him. So... you now have your eyes wide open and are open to seeing the truth rather than what you wanted to buy into when he left? Awesome. Truth is incredibly powerful, friend.

Quote:
I am reading the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" and I am starting to see how he really isn't as "nice" as he seems.


Great book... and I couldn't agree with you more. P/A is definitely NOT nice behavior. Leaving your family because you're not man enough to seek help in the framework of your marriage is total chickensh!t.

Quote:
From reading these boards and working with my IC I see that we had a pursuer/ distancer relationship. Guess who's the pursuer:)


Very common in P/A relationships. That fit me to a T too. And don't you dare take all the blame for being the pursuer. He was part of that dynamic, because it suited him to set you up. If your H is anything like my XH, when I asked about stuff, he told me that I was crazy and that I had a problem. When he left, he then told me that I was smart for figuring it out, but dumb to let it go. Nice. (Those words were thrown at me as he packed to move out during the Christmas holidays.)

Quote:
I feel like he is trying to bait me back in because he can sense my detachment.


Oh, yeah. The manipulator realizes that you are finally galvanizing and making decisions... and afraid that the rules of the game might be changing. Stick to your guns. No matter what, it's a game changer and you need that in the long run. It's what pushes him out of victim mode.

Quote:
I am thinking about scheduling an appointment with a mediator. I want him to file and list himself as the petitioner.


Mediation doesn't necessarily force you to make those decisions now, Fifi. I used mediation to get XH to agree to milestones. I wanted to make absolutely sure that we had no other alternatives for as long as I could for my girls. The entire 2 years I waited (I agreed to give it an extra year when his mom died a year after he left), I was busy changing and making decisions for myself, so by the time he filed (yes, listing me as the petitioner), it was pretty much done for me. I say pretty much because going through the D process is still hard.

Quote:
and hasn't moved all of his stuff out yet.


Yah, I have stuff in my house and garage that is XH's too. I think I need to load it in D18's car and have her deliver his crap.

Now, for the most important part:

Quote:
The kids have been having a really hard time and I have had trouble coping with that.


Oh Fifi, this is the worst part of the entire process. Even as young as your kids are (particularly the 4 year old), if his actions do not mirror his words, they notice. And you're left with their bereft feelings. I do understand. But if you do anything right in your life, this will be it. Take care of them and protect them to death. You seem like this person, so I am confident that you ARE this person.

For all the folks that say kids are resilient... well, they are to a certain extent. But parents who abandon them leave a big hole in their heart. Make this work for them in the big picture...

I have another friend from this BB named MicheleTW who has the worst XH on the planet. Even worse, he's an even worse example of a father. She's a successful life coach whose kids REALLY struggled with this, particularly her daughter (the youngest of 2), who was formerly her daddy's little sugar girl. He pretended he still was, but didn't show up to her events. His actions were clearly disconnected from his words. Why am I telling you this?

Because for the longest time, she'd do her level best to make up for his transgressions. She'd minimize his motives, make excuses for him, and try to make him seem less offensive because he was their dad. Her kids struggled more with this dynamic.

Then she decided to be brilliant and concluded that it wasn't her job to be his smoke screen. Her job was to help her kids navigate their disappointment. From that day on, her kids have been better adjusted, and she truly believes that this path helped them both develop skills that were very well suited for the real adult world. Her now 19 year old son told her that she was the only person in the entire world that he could really, REALLY trust. He trusts her to be honest with him and to be there for him when he stumbles. She gets an A+ in my book on that one.

Your job is to facilitate their relationship with their Dad. Honor commitments you keep for their benefit. But if he does not do his part, it is not your job to protect him. You don't malign him to them, but you teach them how to not only survive, but thrive in a disappointing world. All 3 of you are young enough to come out on the sunny side of this process... even if you reconcile.

Even in my P/A world, my XH is a terrific dad. I hope that your H decides to put them first too. It really helps. And I'll tell you that mediation really helped us in that front. We had clearly defined parenting time with expectations and rules of engagement. Once we got to a point where we trusted each other again, we weren't so sticky on the small stuff. With the exception of the first year of our separation, we have shared pretty much every holiday together and enjoyed them. (I mean that with every bit of sincerity.) He's been easier to work with because of this process.

I pray for the same for you. Interview a couple of mediators. I found one we both really liked. He was fair minded and very helpful. In fact, because of him, we didn't need attorneys for the D... but it would have worked in reconciliation as well.

So... I'm giving you a cyber hug right now. You need it.

smile Betsey

p.s. Have you finally seen the light? That it's now time to make this about you? If not, you're really close. wink
_________________________
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

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#2245454 - 05/15/12 09:46 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: Underdog]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/24/12
Posts: 96
Hi Betsey,
Thanks so much. I really needed that cyber hug today. It has been a rough one. The plan for my H was to tell his staff (he is a dentist and has 8 women who work for him) at their staff meeting what was going on. In therapy we clearly agreed that it was appropriate for him to say "We are separating, please respect our privacy." Well, one of his assistants that I am really close to afterwards called me and said he said; "We have decided to come to the mutual decision to separate. We have grown apart and agree that it's for the best. There is no ill will and its sad but we both know that it is the right decision for us."

MUTUAL? Really a**hole? I was at costco when she called and I couldn't stop shaking, I am so angry. He can never seem like the bad guy, or should I say, take ownership for his actions. He wants everything to seem happy-go-lucky, oh great we had this great talk about breaking up our family and it's gonna be great!!

He is a coward. I am ready to move on, I have lost any and all respect for him. If you are going to walk out on your family, at least own it. I am a dentist too, so this is my professional community that I have to "pretend" with. Seriously?

I called the mediator, we are seeing him this Monday at 2:30.
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2245483 - 05/16/12 12:27 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1868
"We have decided to come to the mutual decision to separate. We have grown apart and agree that it's for the best. There is no ill will and its sad but we both know that it is the right decision for us."

Word for word what my H tells people. My H gets angry at me when I dont oblige and say the same thing. My H loves telling me how he has no ill will towards me. WTF! I am not the one that walked on a family with 2 little kids. I am so angry sometimes.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2245496 - 05/16/12 12:56 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: BklynMom]
Maggie3 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/12
Posts: 157
Mine says that too- "I have nothing bad to say about you"- um yah because I didn't do anything that warranted this behavior! Ugh. It's how they make themselves feel better because they know how awful they REALLY feel.
_________________________
Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12

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#2245499 - 05/16/12 12:59 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: BklynMom]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1312
I feel for you ffi.

But it sure is script. My H says exactly the same.

My H says a 'mutual decision to separate' - I say, NO, you walked out on us because you 'didn't want to do this (i.e. family life) anymore' and you wanted to 'be alone'.

But, realistically, what COULD they tell people other than the separation story?

They could hardly announce that they'd walked out, or had left their wife and family for another woman.

And to look on the bright(!!) side, at least he is not saying that you are an evil b..tch.

My question is, what do WE tell people? And how do we avoid ending-up looking like a bitter ex with an axe to grind?

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#2245523 - 05/16/12 02:14 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: NLW]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/24/12
Posts: 96
I just got off the phone with a friend who's divorce was final on May 3rd of this year. He said he never really told anyone his wife was a WAW, but everyone figures it out by the way we carry ourselves from this point forward. It did give me hope.

My H is the one who has to live with himself everyday, I guess that is the only thing that keeps me from calling the office manager to set the record straight.
I do feel good about calling the mediator. I am not going to wait around for him, he threw away our family, and we deserve better than that.
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

Top
#2245771 - 05/16/12 08:43 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
Underdog Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 6289
Loc: Denver
Fifi,

Crap. Isn't that what Brad Pitt's agent said when he left Jennifer? What a load of crap. I don't blame you for being mad.

Your friend who just divorced sounds like a great resource for you. Taking the high road is always a good choice, if for no other reason than your kids.

Quote:
He can never seem like the bad guy, or should I say, take ownership for his actions.


Yes, a true P/A. I'm sorry. It hurts like hell, doesn't it?

Quote:
If you are going to walk out on your family, at least own it.


In a nutshell, this is what I learned about this journey. Sounds like it hit a nerve with you too. You and God know the truth, though.

Good luck with the mediator. I think you'll feel better about protecting yourself once you do this. Plus you'll learn about any idiosynchrasies about your state and parenting and all the stuff in between. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. grin

I'm giving you another cyber hug today.

smile Betsey

p.s. This might be your fantasy... but not worth being convicted! Your ultimate revenge?
_________________________
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

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