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#2240987 - 04/26/12 03:09 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: oldtimer]
Underdog Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 6082
Loc: Denver
Ah, my old pal, OT, here too. Well good! How's it going, OT?

It would be really good if you could take OT's advice about seeing your H's empowerment and really, REALLY embracing that this journey really *IS* all about him. You caught on with noting his sadness and commenting that he's a man with some incredible emotional pain. Remember that. It's compassionate AND wise.

OK, Fifi... again, it would really help your overall cause if you could really reframe some of those thoughts. I'm gonna help. Something tells me that your H probably feels as though you have financial control, as well as all the other super powers that you have. Having separate check books is going to help him. Yes, help him and by default, you.

He's undoubtedly going to feel that he can manage himself for awhile. You're not going to have that monkey taking up more free rent in your house either. It's okay to be scared about being on your own. Hell, I wake up scared every doggone day... I own my own business and it's tough taking care of myself and other people. But if you focus on what you are not getting out of life, THAT is going to be the dominant thought in what you get back. And the more you focus on how this is about you, the more you manifest that it will continue to be about you. That is not solution based thinking.

OT and I are not telling you that you can't be sad or feel scared and overwhelmed. What I AM saying is that you and your kids are going to depend on how well YOU bounce back. How well you find the good in things. How well you are able to take a step back and reframe what you categorize as negative and turn it into something that will ultimately work for you. You have to do this anyway, Fifi. If you're going to have your marriage reconciled, you are going to have to face the music that what you used to have will no longer work. You can't pretend that hammering a square peg will fit in a round hole. So you might as well start embracing this change. You can do it by taking small baby steps and literally forcing yourself to start looking for the positives in every single choice he makes. Don't you dare wait around for him to choose you. Choose you first. You absolutely have to choose you if you want your kids to experience a mom who can be resilient and put her and them first. No matter what your H ultimately decides to do, you're going to have to learn how to make a life for yourself - a truly, happy and rewarding life - all by yourself. Put those big girl panties on and a new set of glasses and get to work.

None of us knows what your H is feeling or thinking. Hell, none of us wants to be his C either. Let him figure out what it's going to take to become a happier person. He may be delusional and then again, maybe he won't. That's not up to you.

You are up to you. Right now, you are in the position of being the head of your household, a mother, friend, and commander in chief of you. So focus all your efforts on those roles. All of them, Fifi. They are the only ones you CAN control. Just maybe, if you can stop thinking about how sad you are, you will leave him wondering why he wants to be apart from someone so capable and happy. Hell, maybe you'll realize that you deserve to be happy and feeling capable anyway.

He's in emotional pain, and you witnessed that yourself.

If your best friend lost her mother and needed to retreat from her social circle, would you make that about you? I'm guessing not. So consider him in that camp too. Leave him be with his emotional issues. No matter what, at some point, he will have to address them. They are his business. You get to work on your business.

I'm personally thrilled to read that he gave you so much information. His actions mirror those feelings, so I'd say that what he said was his truth. The fact that he's giving you this information is a gift. Many folks here don't get that. So relish that you've been given a looking glass into his pain. And feel blessed that he shared it with you. As painful it is to hear that someone is so unhappy, it's emotionally honest. You want him to grow into leaving that P/A man behind, right? This is the first step. Relish it.

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that really resonated with me. Enough to remember it... "Become a millionaire instantly! Count your blessings!"

Now get to work! Your happiness depends on you embracing change.

smile Betsey
_________________________
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

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#2241001 - 04/26/12 03:44 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: ~ kd ~]
Underdog Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 6082
Loc: Denver
Kaffe,

You said some things in your post that bear noting... because terminology can often become the impetus for our own behaviors.

Have you ever had a name for someone that was less than flattering and for some reason, it was blurted out? Years ago, I did this by referring to 2 people who acted completely dumb as Dumb and Dumber. It wound up making ME look dumb by saying it in front of a group of people including them. My mom used to tell us that our subconscious thoughts would come back to bite us in the butt. And Mom is usually right.

Which gets me to this:

Quote:
At one point a week or so ago, ncl made a comment to one of our members how the spouse was using classic "LBS script"... this almost appears verbatim how many of us feel about our (alien) WAS / MLCer...


I think we diminish their pain substantially by calling them a WAH or even worse, alien. In our deepest, darkest pain, would we want someone judging us and then name calling? My XH left because he couldn't stand how we were living, and the only way he knew that things could change was if he did something drastic. He did. Our spouses, for whatever myriad reasons, felt that they would not be able to work on the M while living with us and feel they could gain cooperation from us. And in their mind, there is no working on the M. They simply want to find a tourniquet and stop the bleeding.

Listen, I'm not saying that they should get a free pass for walking out on their responsibilities. But the one thing they DID do right was to change a dance routine to force change. And don't kid yourselves that they don't realize the magnitude of the consequences, because they do. It's just that the degree of their pain outweighs the consequences at the time they make the decision to leave.

I can tell you without any reservation that my XH was the brave one in the family. I couldn't take how we were living anymore either. We had been in MC twice, and I was in IC as well. And unconsciously, I knew that we were going to have to have a lot of pain in the near future... at whose hand was the mystery then. That's why I worked so hard in my own life to make sure that I didn't make him feel guiltier than he was or to manufacture situations that would create emotional distance between he and his daughters. Because he changed our dynamic by making that first step to be a happier person. In my own sitch, that meant he had to divorce. He just didn't want to do all the work necessary to rebuild the bridges he heavily damaged on the way - so it was easier for him to cut bait. There are plenty of others here whose spouses decide that they DO want to put that effort into restoring the love that was once there.

So what I'm saying, is you don't want them to know you call them an alien behind their back... because it will not help your cause in the long run. So don't go there. Fifi got it right when she said that her H was a man in great pain. I don't think that is an alien. It makes him a fellow human. And face it, have we all not lived in that glass house at one time or another? We all have limits... the spouses who leave just have more drastic lines at that time.

I can also tell you from personal experience that my XH has expressed remorse and is still generally a sad person. It's been 9 1/2 years since he left, and he now recognizes that it's not my fault that he was so sad.

And one other thing, Fifi... you mentioned that he commented on family. No matter what happens to the state of your marriage, you ARE a family. You got married and created children. Nobody can take that away from you. My XH still tells people that I'm family. And he's still mine. We're just not married to each other anymore.

So Kaffe got it right by saying those lines of being a WAS or LBS are really blurry. Because they are. Being in pain is not blurry...

Carry on...

smile Betsey
_________________________
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

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#2241005 - 04/26/12 04:13 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
Originally Posted By: fightingforit
Hey RRMD-
I have been following your thread too, and they do seem similar. I think that the huge benefit I had was that the day before the C saw me individually and she and I talked about my contributions to what went wrong. So it was easy for me to validate him, 2 weeks ago there would have been a yelling match. Thanks for saying you see hope, it gives me hope blush Have you read the book Accuray suggested?


Hi ffi, No I have not read the book, although I've had it on my Nook for well over a month. I plan on digging into it this weekend though. Everyone who has read it says it has some great info in it.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2241110 - 04/27/12 12:08 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: Underdog]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96
Ok OT, I changed my signature and maybe my thinking smirk No one has said that to me yet, that I am making it about me. Usually everyone says what a (insert favorite word here)!!! That's why I come to these boards, to have my thinking challenged.

The resentment came from him always "promising" a vacation "next year" after the business is more established, the kids are older, etc. So I was resenting the fact that I was being advised to cancel my trip. I may still go, I have a coaching session with my DB coach tomorrow am so I will get his take.

Underdog- Because you give such great advice I will let you call me Fifi smile Really though, I am sooooo not a Fifi! The line you put in there about if it was my best friend that needed space I would let her have it, it resonated with me. Tonight he is gone, first night away, sleeping at his new place. I am amazed by how calm I am. I actually do feel bad for him, all alone (maybe) over there. I have a house with 2 beautiful kids tucked sweetly into bed, and I am sitting by my fire. We ate a home cooked meal at the table as a family of 3. And I am calm. Not in a pile on the floor begging him to come home. I am proud of myself. I have a strength I didn't know I had. For today in this minute anyways, who knows what I will feel like tomorrow, maybe I will be in a pile on the floor, and I am ok with that too. It is a process right?
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2241111 - 04/27/12 12:09 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96

ok RoRo, pressure is on- I am on chapter 2! so far, so good:)
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2241114 - 04/27/12 12:16 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96

labug- ok, ok. I may be in a slight amount of denial, but I do think that his happiness is here with me and his children. I think it's a gut feeling, but maybe it's denial...
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2241115 - 04/27/12 12:17 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
I hope you enjoy it, I certainly learned from it! Definitely good to see a MC alone first and strategize. Often they will let you guide them where to go and what to stay away from.

Good for you on your attitude today! That's progress.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2241121 - 04/27/12 12:29 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: Accuray]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96
Thanks Accuray and thanks again for the suggestion. The MC thing is a bit funny because she is both of our IC as well. I think she is really good at what she does, but she can't do any strategy with me because of the conflict and also because she wants him to have to fight for me back if he comes. I use my DB coach for my strategy smile
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

Top
#2241124 - 04/27/12 12:49 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96

labug- you are right. I just got it as I was brushing my teeth. If this is not where his happiness is than he is not the man for me. Wow. It can be right in front of me and I still miss it!
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

Top
#2241126 - 04/27/12 12:58 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96

Does anyone have any thoughts on this email I received from H today? He wrote this in the morning but still didn't come home after work, just went straight to his new place. I had written him an email last night dividing our savings and going over finances, nothing monumental, just facts.

Here it is:


W,

Thank you. This is very painful for me. I appreciate you being so strong with all this. Yes all this works just fine. I am sad right now. I appreciate you taking care of the ameritrade. I will open another account.

The plans for this weekend sound good. What time is the garage sale starting. I can ride before or after. I need a few hours to train. I can go later and be back before you need to leave with (friend having birthday saturday).

Thank you for being strong for the kids,for yourself and for me. You are an amazing mother. I know that you will work hard to overcome your early life experiences. I am working on the same for me.

I appreciate it very much,

H


Don't want to read too much into it because IC says I like to "take a thread and make a coat". To me that sounds resourceful, but she thinks its a problem wink
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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