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#2240973 - 04/26/12 05:58 PM (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: kat727]
kat727 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/08
Posts: 9995
Loc: Kansas
How are you doing?
_________________________
M-50(and fabulous!)
S22, S19, D15, D14
Don't judge every day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson

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#2240976 - 04/26/12 06:08 PM (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: kat727]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Kat thank you for that. I feel like I'm drama hour and I don't want to be. I'm so type-A that they expect me to be a certain way at work and get lots done, but I need to back off to normal levels again.

Big post, as I've been just processing some things...

I would love any feedback/suggestions and thank you all for being here!


Sunday: He looked at apartments.
Sunday night, the only thing he would say to me (repeatedly) was a hateful tone of: "Just sign the [server] paperwork so we can get this over with." I ignored it mostly, and tried to walk away. My only interaction with him on Sunday was him telling me that about 5 times. Finally I snapped and said "Fine! Give me the paperwork now - go print it off right now so I can sign it for you today because I sure as hell don't need this and I don't need to be cheated on anymore, I don't deserve that." From that second on, he was nicer in his tone and made us all dinner.

I haven't seen the serving paperwork (he never gave it to me) nor has he mentioned it, or divorce. He hasn't said anything since... Also his blog has not been updated (so I hear) with these 'break up' posts. All activity has stopped on it since the day I told him I wasn't going to look at it anymore.

Monday: Told him I don't want him to resent me, and so if that meant he was moving then that's okay. He didn't know how much his deposit for apartment would be or when he would move.

Tuesday:
I did sent him an email on Tuesday after I had a major breakthrough because I saw in my S how much I created an environment of stress and kept him in perpetual stress-mode. and the rest of the email said:
"
I walked today and thought about the girl I was and why I'm not. And I saw Something... so clear and it made my vision open up. i'm working on improving 'me', and hopefully you will (or have) see the little changes. If you haven't, it's way too early to believe - but I promise you - they are coming and will be noticeable very soon and i'm looking forward to realizing that vision i had as it will make me proud of me.

you know that often i get stressed. about work, about home. I fail to see the little things you do to alleviate that. Whether it be the dishes done, the floors vacuumed or even breakfast made.

I get too wrapped up in my own self which is selfish and uncaring to you.

and I am sorry about keeping you in perpetual stress and hurting you. it [censored]. I just saw I did that with [S] too - and it's done. no more. he's a kid who needs to be a kid. you are a man who came into this life with your own journey. hopefully ours will be in step but neither you and i have power over that.

You might feel like i don't listen - and i haven't. I heard two things from you about you calling it my [censored] stressful job and how you can't relax at home. I now completely understand why you say that. I led you to that conclusion with my words/actions. it's not right and i've taken some action because you are right (don't worry i still have a job wink ).

I know you have every right to doubt me, to 'not care' to say 'f [censor] it, too little too late'. I understand.

I hope you will see soon that these are NOT small time fixes to be just good enough. It's not. I don't like the person i became either and i refuse to be that person anymore. ever. Regardless of whatever happens. The girl who is fun, who is great and wonderful is still here. I just refound her and what makes her me, and hopefully you will too.

Keep your paychecks. (like i had a choice right? smile ). If you feel like you are still getting the raw end of the deal after whatever timeframe you feel, then you've got some money. If you see that life is good maybe you want to use it buy your replacement car, a trip, [your hobby/business], or whatever, at least it will go to something that you will love and need immediately. Or not - it really is up to you.

i don't expect a response - but know i appreciate you, and you reading this. thank you. i don't feel like we need to 'talk' about it unless you bring it up. Actions are louder than words and irregardless of how life turns out, i will be that person that i saw in that vision. and really, that's not a bad thing."

and i never brought this email up again.

today:
When I go up to touch him (when he's sleeping on the couch) he's stopped pulling back and telling no. He also allowed me to ML with him this morning and lay next to him. So it seems like that is a step.

I've avoided saying "I love you" and even kissing him because I thought that might be too much. After he took a shower, he went outside to his vehicle and brought in boxes and put them in his office. I saw them and said "Wow, you guys must go through a lot of paper at your work!" and left it that. So he knows I saw them but I didn't flip out on him like I normally would have.

Did he bring in the boxes because he felt vulnerable? He will never say.

I'm trying to not call him at work to say 'Hi' but I feel like it's going against what I should do. Maybe that's normal. Yesterday the only thing I emailed him about something I was looking at getting - but I knew I wasn't going to get a response.
Today I'm not going to email at all.

One positive thing that I have noticed in the last two days is that I'm not allowing his emotions to run mine. If he ignores something, I just say to myself 'eh, his moodiness, his problem' and go on about my stuff.

I've scheduled a meeting with a counselor, just so I can get my anxiety meds again.

I also have a meeting with my boss coming up next week in which I will be proposing cutting my hours by a few (it will help my anxiety level - I've asked for this for years because of it). My boss expects that I should be divorcing my H, but I'm not at that point. He's very ABC matter of fact, and I feel like this R deserves more than that. Because after all, I have to live it - not him.

So on to the rest of the day! Onward and upward!
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2241219 - 04/27/12 05:59 PM (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: LIO]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Well one step forward two steps back maybe??

I did call yesterday. Conversation was light, airy. I hung up when it sounded like he was done. (180 for me - I would normally keep talking and talking and talking especially about R until he grew frustrated.)

He came home last night, I kept the lights low, candles going (it just looks nice and smells good and makes me relaxed) and just said 'oh hey!' and kept on doing my activity. We played with the dog, talked about dog and kid. No R talk. He even asked me questions. Remember last week he filed 'D' and all week he was one word answers so this is a big change. (usually I would be in bed this late, OR in this case I would have been anxiously pacing by the door.


I went down and tried to snuggle up with him = no go. Went back upstairs immediately without a word. Meh. Won't try that for awhile.

This morning I gave him a compliment about his shirt which was well received and then as he left for work, I gave him a side hug which he groaned at. Maybe no physical contact would be good? In the past I didn't initiate physical contact and then he would shell up and then act as if I didn't want him. (Basically boosting his ego when I initiate).

One change that I've been working on is staying at home when he is here. I know he can't 'miss' me - but we spent 5 years not connecting with alternating schedules. I want to do activities that we connect with that I also enjoy (even if he doesn't want to do it right now) that are around the home. For example, I've been spending time learning a drawing program on his computer because it will help me AND he enjoys doing it. From time to time I will request his help which he always 'protests' but he likes to help with it. Enter my compliments to him for how easy he makes it look (which is very true).

I don't want him to think that I don't care about him. I do, despite everything that's gone down. I guess I've been framing it lately to myself that IF he actually moves out then I will not initiate anything but until then I'm trying these 180's and trying to be a friend first. But as he just called, I didn't answer. I can't be *too* available.

I feel all over the board with this - I'm sorry. I'm just trying to see what works and what doesn't - while also keeping in mind that I'm not making him my activity to focus on.

Other goals:
I'm working on getting my exercise into 30 minutes a day.

I have been trying to 'stop light' bad thoughts.

Been reading the other forums here.

I'm getting more comfortable with staying at home (a BIG change for me) and doing low-key activities. Right now I'm training a puppy and that's been a good distraction. I also am spending more time with S listening to him. I've been reading more and taking baths while watching old movies. As I've only worked about 30 hours this week, I'm feeling like I have more time to myself.

I'm working on my proposal to my supervisor re: my job. I've been happier with just the *thought* of reducing my hours.

And a big one: other than this board, I'm not talking about this anymore because I get caught up in the analyzing too much. Our families already know what he was doing because FIL has been living here and he's talked to my parents... I know that H is embarrassed which is why we haven't had a lot of talk about it yet (other than that day I went off on him about he could have endangered not only HIS health, but mine). It seems like he is waiting for me to revert back into the old me - and I don't want to.
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2241398 - 04/28/12 02:40 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: LIO]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Posting here so I don't go crazy and call H.

Maybe I'm hormonal but I am upset. H is busy all weekend with this big event taking him out of the house so I barely see him.

Last night he slept on the couch.... Again. (at least he's here, right?).
I'm so lonely and miss him sleeping next to me.
Usually before I go to bed, I say: the bed is big up there, lots of room for you and me if you are interested. Goodnight!
Last night when he asked why I was touching his back while he was going sleep, I said "because I miss you. you are important to me and I need you."
He feel asleep and I went upstairs.

(remember that we have alternating schedules and I wasn't as forward with my feelings about him in a loving, touchy way before).

So I woke up alone and he was rushing out and I woke up with the same anxious feelings of two Tuesdays ago.

Too needy, too much?

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#2241400 - 04/28/12 02:41 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: LIO]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
And judging by my spelling errors, maybe 6 hours of sleep is not helping my emotions or my spelling!
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2241406 - 04/28/12 03:08 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: LIO]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Plans today: running with girlfriend in less than one hour
Go to ikea after with sissie.
Tear up my backyard to start landscape project
Hang with s and puppy


I feel like I'm being held captive sometimes. I was wanting to move to az for the weather this year (I can't do another grey, depressing, rainy winter, spring here), but with all this unsureness, I feel trapped.
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2241492 - 04/29/12 12:45 AM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: LIO]
kat727 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/08
Posts: 9995
Loc: Kansas
I am thinking maybe it was a bit much too soon. You have let him know that you miss him now step back. Continue working on you and being present more often.

We tend to see something positive and then try to build on that and make it all better NOW! It doesn't work that way though. Keep seeing the positives in yourself. Your s will reflect those back to you.

Kat
_________________________
M-50(and fabulous!)
S22, S19, D15, D14
Don't judge every day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson

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#2241512 - 04/29/12 03:34 AM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: kat727]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Yes thank you Kat! I'm laying off tonight, no real chit chat tonight planned. I'm just going to keep up my nightly activities to keep working on my stress and relaxing.

I guess I was more bummed when my sister said that "You're just delaying the inevitable (D) and he needs to have consequences this time. You just keep forgiving him and he just goes on like nothing matters."

So I ask to those who have been here before (and I will look in the older posts as well) but...

At some point does your spouse actually acknowledge the wrong doing (cheating?) and apologize? Or does it just get swept under the rug?


How do you not have the same behavior happen again?

Does the spouse ever commit again? Or am I doomed to another year of indecisiveness?

Any suggestions on books I can read about communication? I'm about to embark on the self-help section reading I think.
Thank you.
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2241522 - 04/29/12 04:59 AM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: LIO]
kat727 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/08
Posts: 9995
Loc: Kansas
My ex had cheated on me when we first got married. I was a flight attendant and had an erratic schedule. It went on for two years. I didn't know how to deal with it then. I basically shut down for about a month and didn't talk to him. He told me that he was sorry and that he would never hurt me again.

Fast forward and he cheated me on the second time that I know of. I am guessing in hindsight that he was probably always cheating on me. This time I decided to fight for my family. I did everything wrong and didn't find this thread until after he had already filed.

He did say he was sorry for hurting me but I know he wasn't sorry for what he did. Even after all of this time and hurt on my part and the kids, he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He is so deep into his mid life crisis I don't know when the reality of the mess he has made will hit him. It doesn't matter to me except for the sake of my kids. I feel for them.

kat
_________________________
M-50(and fabulous!)
S22, S19, D15, D14
Don't judge every day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson

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#2241540 - 04/29/12 12:25 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: kat727]
InAPickle Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 678
Loc: Jacksonville, FL
Kat: "He did say he was sorry for hurting me but I know he wasn't sorry for what he did"

This kinda sums it up.
Don't hold your breath waiting for a WAS or an MLC'er to admit their wrongdoing.

People make choices that make perfect sense to THEM. It may not make any sense to the rest of the world, but it does make sense to THEM - even serial cheaters.

It is a step in the right direction if they're sorry they hurt you - if the sentiment is genuine. It's better than them being the "honey badger" (just doesn't give a sh!t).

DB'ing is about trying to move beyond such expectations of remorse and contrition, almost like pretending you've just met and their history of intimacy with all the other people they've been with before meeting you, really doesn't matter - I said almost (I understand the fantasy) but it's an analogy.

Now infidelity whether emotional or physical is of course a betrayal of trust that is understandably a deal breaker for anyone who takes vows and promises seriously. That kind of dynamic cannot be allowed to continue, so it's up to LBS'ers to determine whether or not their WAS is cabable of meeting those expectations.

Ultimately, has any new dynamic reached a point where you can trust them to choose between not wanting to hurt you over that other choice that made sense before? That demonstrates love of other over oneself. Unfortunately, there are some people you just cannot trust, and then there are some that cheating is just out of character, and for some reason it happened.

All this means is that we cannot continue to focus our thoughts and musings on our WA's. I catch myself doing it all the time, but the goal of DB is to first save ourselves and divert our gaze from our messed up spouses. In a limted sense, we have to become the "honey badger"!

hugs, pic
_________________________
Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."

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