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Hi NLW,

It sounds like he is very conflicted and his resolve is starting to erode. I would just keep doing what you're doing as it seems you are DB'ing well and its having some impact.

I would try to separate your finances so you have more visibility. Set up separate and shared bank accounts and have him deposit into the shared account a regular amount on a given schedule to cover what he has agreed to cover. With everything else going on, you don't need this murky financial situation. I think you should take over paying the bills that directly impact you with H providing whatever funding he agreed to.

You will find the visibility and control reassuring.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Thanks for that advice Accuray - so sensible.

I will certainly try to get H to agree to this, but i don't have great expectations.
He is so far gone with mlc/depression that even if he agrees to things, he usually forgets/fails to do them.

Still, the moments of what i refer to as 'clarity' on his part do seem to be becoming more frequent lately.

Another good interaction with him yesterday when he dropped the kids off after school.
I made myself scarce in the office working on my computer, and sure enough, he was soon in there with me telling me about his football team being "the most important team in the state".

I took the bait: "What do you mean?"

"Well, the guy who's going to be the next premier (i.e. governor) of the state is in it. As is the guy who runs Restaurant X (a popular chic eatery) and he's hosting us for dinner tonight, ... "

I validated and swooned over H's access to so much power (!!!)

H seemed to want to stay around and talk and was laughing and jokey.
When I said "Enjoy your dinner tonight" he looked sad and said "It won't be that great".
The kids and I were off to obedience training with the dog and so H left.

So, a few more positive signs, but i'm not sure i'd go so far as to say his resolve is starting to erode....

BUT, I'm happy to bow before your superior experience - or probably just happy to take any positive perspective on my sitch!

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hi nlw - haven't had time to read all of your thread, but will start on that today. the little i've read - you're right, we are both so much in the same place - and i'm so pleased that you came and found me:)

i know those mixed messages feel awful - i know exactly what you feel - it's because we look at everything and try to read some hope into every little thing.

it messes our heads up BAD. so you and i have to stop doing it , right. and get our sanity back

hope you're having a good day.

h's grandmother took some of my shawls to her get together with the old ladies this morning, and one of them bought one. it thrilled me - it was one ready for the sale on friday - but heck, i have time to make another to replace it.

every time you feel down - move to a better feeling thought - that's what i'm trying to do - it helps when i do it. it's an effort at first, but i imagine it will become a state of mind

((( )))
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Venting.
Tough start to the day with D16.
She is SO angry at me for being nice and friendly to H.

She insists I should make him do the right thing - i.e. MAKE him come back to us, give us more money to make our lives easier, or else rip him a new one for what he has done.

She threw a massive tantrum and refused to go to school.

Eventually talked her down but it ruined my day and my fragile equilibrium.

Then, this afternoon, H shows up to drop the kids off from school.

He's all friendly and nice and stops to do some homework.

Accepts my offer of a beer. I stay out of the way, but he is happy to call me in to discuss how the teacher is wrong with some of her maths answers (she wasn't, actually - one is not a prime number, it turns out, when I checked on the net).

Anyway, he jazzed the kids and the dog up and then left. And I have to cope with the aftermath. Two teenagers who are so wired from seeing their daddy and a puppy that's been put totally on edge. H skips off to do goodness knows what, and I'm left with school bags to put away, kids to calm down, a dog to pacify, dinner to cook and homework to supervise.

He asked if he could have his slippers as he left - saying that it's getting cold now.
I put a big smile on my face and went and got them and made a joke - i'd always told him he looked like Mr Toad in them, and he smiled.

Oh, we're all so happy!!!

What a crock.

I am so pi--ed off.

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Hi Zig, Great news about your shawls!

And so good that you are able to make another - what focus and energy you have. I'm inspired by hearing from you!

Reading AliSuddenly's threads has made me realise the futility of reading hope into every little change in H's behaviour. This is going to be a long long process - if it EVER ends. All I hope at the moment is that I might be stabilising into a 'friendship' stage with my H.

This carries it's own problems - as I feel resentment rising when I consider that he is not being a good friend to me at all. BUT, I have to establish some sort of unconditional loving relationship and this seems a good way to start.

I'm trying to work on that as a goal.

So exciting about your sale on Friday. Yaay for you!!

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NLW,

I'm sorry to hear about the rough morning you had with D16. I can only imagine the anger and sadness she feels right now. I imagine this is all very confusing and frustrating to her, to say the least. I hate that she took her anger out on you in the manner she did. The positive in this is that she felt comfortable letting it all out to you (even if it wasn't in the best way), which means she trusts you and feels safe with you. I hope after her tantrum she felt better. I do understand what you wrote about it ruining your day...I tell my kids all the time that when we have a tough morning, they forget about it within a minute of getting out of the car while it stays with me throughout my day!

With regard to the latest turn of events with your husband.... I suggest you do what is best for YOU and YOUR KIDS in the long run. I know your attorney is expensive, but it may be worth getting some professional advice. I like what another poster said about getting the finances separated ASAP so you don't keep running into the same problems.

While I know the idea of a separation agreement may not sit well with you, it establishes financial and visitation boundaries. I think your husband would benefit from having to respect boundaries. I may be wrong, but it seems he follows a cycle of not coming around for awhile and being distant/withdrawn, to needing something from you (car, money, etc). He starts coming around more and acting nice to you and then asks you for what he wants. When you hesitate or say you need time to consider his request, he gets angry and threatens to file divorce paperwork immediately. He then either bombards you with emails/texts/calls with threats about losing the house, losing the car, taking the kids out of their school or he withdraws from you and the kids until he gets what he wants. Does this sound about right? If so, is this working for YOU, and is it getting you closer to YOUR goals?

The separation agreement would also provide you with a schedule so he isn't in and out as he pleases, stirring the kids and dog up and then leaving. If the two of you could come up with an agreed upon schedule, you could be heading out of the house to GAL (looking all hot, being upbeat and fun and a bit mysterious about where you are going) when he arrives, and then it would be his responsibility to cook, help with homework, straighten up, spend time with the kids, etc. I think then, too, you wouldn't feel some of the resentment that you expressed.

Again, do what works for you and the kids right now. He told you he is still wanting a divorce, right? Then carry on with your life as if you are going to be divorced. Let him have a real taste of what being divorced is like. While you can't MAKE him do the things your daughter wants him to do, you can require him to honor and respect your boundaries.

All my best, ncl


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Originally Posted By: Accuray
I would try to separate your finances so you have more visibility. Set up separate and shared bank accounts and have him deposit into the shared account a regular amount on a given schedule to cover what he has agreed to cover. With everything else going on, you don't need this murky financial situation. I think you should take over paying the bills that directly impact you with H providing whatever funding he agreed to.

You will find the visibility and control reassuring.

Accuray


^^^^^ good advice!


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oh nlw - sorry to hear you had such a rough day yesterday - my first thought when i read your post was - i have to remind nlw to take care of herself - unless you're in another country - you were up at 4.30 writing which means you weren't taking good care of yourself.

when i have a really rough day i get all worked up and then stay up really late too, and i'm trying to stop that too - i take my meditation cd to bed and meditate and fall asleep.

if you can look at it this way - at least d16 is letting it out and not holding it all in. i also thought - a dn this maybe way off what you need to hear - she's not mad at you, she's mad at h. could you consider asking her to express her feelings about the sitch to her dad.

i hope that you are feeling calmer now - it sounded like even though the whole thing left you raw, you handled it very well. it's okay to be really frustrated and p$ssed -

a couple of times when h was 'misbehaving" over at our house, instead of getting upset i just walked upto him calmly and said that he needed to leave . it shocked him, but i made it clear calmly that if he was going to come over, then he needed to treat s and me right.

it worked and he's much more respectful since then and more cognizant of how he is treating s.

if you do decide to do that, should probably tell you that after i said that there was about 15 mins of rage and accusations, during which i didn't say much and then he calmed down, and asked what i meant and then landed up feeling really regretful. both times, we were calm and happy s and i, when he came in and within mins s was struggling and so was i

so i hope you have a calmer day today - you may find that d16, after letting some of her own crazy feelings about all this out will be more loving and closer to you. i read somewhere that be grateful when some one is angry at you - because instead of them turning to despair, you can help them release some of the anger and frustration and hurt they are holding inside.

((((( ))))))

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Hi guys,
Thanks for your replies - I'm too tired to respond sensibly now but will get back later.

Had a long day - and it was exhausting dealing with H.

Here's the run down - just so I don't forget and, of course, it will all be of great interest to readers looking for sign-posts after H and I have reconciled in about 8 months time (I'm down to relying on the power of positive thinking!).

S13 had a big sports carnival/parents' lunch at school.
I rang H and reminded him that he'd agreed to go and asked if he could bring the beer (I organised all the rest). Told him when and where S13 would be playing football.

H missed the 1st game; 2nd (and last) game started and H still wasn't there so I texted him the new location (as he wouldn't have known where to go).

He eventually turned up and saw 15 mins of the game. He'd been watching his own football team play (he's out injured this week with sore ribs) in preference to watching his son.

He looked like a hobo in old T-shirt and torn jeans/sneakers. All other parents are very smart casual.

While waiting for lunch he told me that his best mate (the one he went to live with when he first moved out of home) is no longer working in the mining industry - as it's such a horror life-style. Apparently, it's lonely work and forces this guy to go on benders when he returns home from his shift every other week because he has to cram all his socialising into short periods of time (!!!!)

SO, the much touted high-life of mining no longer seems to look so good to H.
And his mate's recent 'promotion' that H was excited to tell me about seems to have amounted to naught. And the massive salary that he's been bragging about constantly ...... The job was so bad, the mate is now driving a truck delivering veggies.

Bit of a turn-around.

Anyway, we sat down to eat lunch but H wouldn't go to his car to get the beer he'd been asked to bring. He'd forgotten to put it on ice and it was tepid after several hrs in the trunk. Who would've thought that beer might have needed to be kept cold?

H complained a lot to me about D16 during lunch and how she is not doing well at school now. Apparently she is just lazy and not applying herself to homework.
He seems very angry at her.

He seemed pretty distant and withdrawn all day and left the lunch early and very abruptly - almost as if he was having a panic attack.

It happened just as I had gone over to speak to some parents whom I'd met at the recent quiz night - people H doesn't know. He left within a minute of me doing so, almost running away and saying just that he 'had to go'.

Later as I am sitting alone amongst all the other parent couples what song comes over the PA but "Caaaan't liiiive, if living is without yoooouu. Caaaan't liiiive; caaaan't live anymooooore".

Oh great. My arms and legs went numb. Literally.

Later that day, D16 rings H to ask him to drive her to the movies. It's 6.30pm but H says that he can't drive her because he has been drinking and is over the limit.

What a guy! What a dad!

I succumbed tonight and had a look at his football team's website. The pics of their recent team dinner show a group of 20-somethings out for a booze-up wearing dresses for a lark.

What a fun night was had by all when they decided to go out on the town in drag.

H wasn't in the pic - and I can only assume was not in fancy dress BUT OMG how can he be choosing to hang around with these young guys? He's 42 years old with a D16 and an S13.

How can this be happening? He is really in a scary place.

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hi NLW - stay in a safe place in your mind - the details of what he's doing doesn't matter. only focusing on your feeling good does.

if you can look at it this way - maybe he has to go really down before he can come up - and down for each person is different.

i thought it was interesting that he's mad at d16 - maybe he is feeling her disapproval and unhappiness and that is making him very uncomfortable and so it's easier for him to be mad at her.

it's hard to see them in a good light when we feel that they are not being good parents. its hard to wrap our minds around that. sit down and think of some positive things that you all had together with h, and it will soften your mood a little and actually make YOU feel better

i love the way i'm giving you all this advice, considering that last week this time i was a raving mess!!

so next time i'm going nutty, copy and paste this back to me okay?

hugs and go do something fun with your kids today - even if it's only for 5 mins

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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