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BM- I know it is a positive step. I thought he was a robot, he never expressed anything. When I saw anything I mean it. The first time I saw him get mad in MC is started laughing, I was so happy to see emotion. He was offended that I laughed but it was a happy laugh. Luckily he is also in IC as well (we have the same IC's and she is our MC). I am trying to not have expectations, but like Laura Munson says in her book, "I just don't buy it" in reference to him finding happiness elsewhere. I know that it is here, in our home, with our children.
ps- Happy birthday to your baby!!

Accuray- thanks a million for the suggestion. I just downloaded the audio version on amazon. I am a book junkie so ANY and ALL suggestions you have I would love!

Thanks!!


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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FFI, I swear, the letter your H wrote could have been written by my H. It made me sad all over again just reading it. The good thing is that you are in counseling, even if it is only about him moving.

My H refuses to go, and blames me for him not wanting to go. Another cross I have to carry I guess.

He has done the crying thing a few times since the bomb drop though, which he almost NEVER did before. I was being kind of skeptical about it, because I thought he wanted sympathy from me for him feeling so bad and wanting to leave, but I see now, I might should have looked at it a different way. And acknowledge more than I did (begrudgingly) that his reasons for being unhappy were valid. *shrug*

I definitely think the counseling session brought out some postive things. Keep working on the "bad" things that you own and can change. I too see some hope for your sitch. Just keep swimming! :-)


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
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Hey RRMD-
I have been following your thread too, and they do seem similar. I think that the huge benefit I had was that the day before the C saw me individually and she and I talked about my contributions to what went wrong. So it was easy for me to validate him, 2 weeks ago there would have been a yelling match. Thanks for saying you see hope, it gives me hope blush Have you read the book Accuray suggested?


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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Originally Posted By: fightingforit
Cadet- thanks for putting the thread there- how do I do that next time?

Go to the top of the browser on this page and copy the URL.
Paste it into the reply of your new thread.
Use the preview button to test your post before you hit submit to make sure the link is correct.
Submit.

Then do the same thing with your new post.
Paste that into the last post of your old thread.
Test(preview) and submit.
Then hit the notify button and ask the moderator to lock your thread for length.

Oh and I like to post links to all my threads at the start of a new one.

Hope that helps.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Man, this sounds exactly like my sitch with H. Exactly. He's so hurt from all of my actions over the years to the point that I don't know if things are reparable. Sigh. The list seems like a good thing, at least you have something concrete to move forward with. In MC I think I have been validating him, but I'm not sure it's making any difference, scared it's too late. So confused and it's so hard to not listen to what they say. Still working on GAL and doing okay with that I think.

I think our list is almost the same --- what are you doing to address the list? Maybe we can get some ideas from each other. The criticism part I'm really struggling with because he's so sensitive now that I've found that unless I agree with him on everything he gets very hurt. Even introducing another idea is interpreted as criticism of what he has chosen to do.


M 38 H 38
M 4
T 8
Bomb: IDLY 4/03/2012
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Journaling

How can I have so many emotions in 1 day. I felt good after hearing and seeing that my husband had emotions yesterday, I felt happy even to have all that information. I felt hope. Tonight I feel sad and discouraged. I had to cancel my trip with the kids that was supposed to be a family trip in a couple weeks. My therapist thinks that it will be too much for the kids, since they are acting out and my H is moving soon. I called the airline to cancel and then I just started crying. Not sure why. We have worked hard for 10 years to get to where we are now. Careers finally in place, home, dog, 2 kids. We were supposed to start really living and enjoying life now. We have everything we have worked for, finally. And now we don't. I divided our bank accounts today. I feel resentment creeping back in...........


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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(1) Change your signature. Your H seeing his L was about him needing to create space to lessen his own pain. It was *not about you,* it was *not about your birthday*. Don't make everything all about you. It makes you not hear or see him. It eliminates the space for genuine intimacy. Try instead: "4/2/12 Out of deep pain, sadness, and hopelessness, H consults a lawyer to empower himself to find a path to a happier life for himself. I'm glad to see H take ownership of his life to move it in a more positive direction. I want him to have the time and space he needs to figure out what that will be. I hope it includes a restored healthy M, only time will tell."

(2) What do you resent? More precisely, what is it that you feel entitled to that you aren't getting? We aren't entitled to anyone's love. There is no love that is not freely given. There is no love that is owed to another.


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Quote:
in reference to him finding happiness elsewhere. I know that it is here, in our home, with our children.


How do you know that?

It's a hope, an expectation and that can get you into trouble.

You can't control him and telling him, even thinking you know what is best for him is control.

Let him figure out if his happiness is elsewhere and you work on finding your happiness.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Quote:
Try instead: "4/2/12 Out of deep pain, sadness, and hopelessness, H consults a lawyer to empower himself to find a path to a happier life for himself. I'm glad to see H take ownership of his life to move it in a more positive direction. I want him to have the time and space he needs to figure out what that will be. I hope it includes a restored healthy M, only time will tell."

I needed to hear that today. I forget my compassion in resentment too.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Wow, good posts, really good. It will give me food for thought while I am at work. Will write more tonight. Thank you.


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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