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what perfection looks like?

ugh ugh ugh - the images that brought up were ugly and sad - memories of how in the past i would rather criticize h because he made the bed sloppily rather than go give him a sexy kiss and mess up the sheets even more!!

the way the whole house had to be spick and span before a party, instead of just getting myself a drink and enjoying preparing for it together..

the way i always said no to going out because i had to get back in the studio and make one more piece

oh the list goes on and on - i was so busy being "perfect" with all these trivial things, that i lost sight of what i needed to work at and be the best at - my relationships with the people that i loved the most and who loved me so immensely

so here i am today - still fighting that urge to be perfect with my work and accept that it doesn't have to be that way - that a good effort is more than enough, especially if i enjoy the process thoroughly - most importantly if i enjoy it and not let it consume me.

thanks for the question rick -keep them coming - they help me to get to the crux of the matter - so much help and support here, that i know the universe is looking out for me in a huge way

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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journaling:

it's been a tough day today - missing h a lot - but also sensing him thinking about me. i've noticed that over the months - there are some days where i can so intensely feel his energy - asked him about it once and he admitted that there were days where he just couldn't think of anything else.

so he called - the house phone and then my cell - but didn't leave a message. so instead of my usual ignoring it, i called back (he's been withdrawn since sunday, not even calling s). he sounded a bit nervous on the phone - wanted to ask if i could keep s friday night (his turn) because he wanted to go to an opening and go out after that. long explanation about how s really wants to go with him but it's not really appropriate etc etc, suggested that maybe s and i could go but took that back. i just said that it was fine that s was here and he said he'd talk to him about it tonight.

he knows full well that s is going to be upset, not only with the change in the schedule, but also that he doesn't get to go with him to the opening.

he also incited me to the opening of the kiln on sunday, which is also a bit of an event. guess he thought it would be rude not to, as i'd worked the kiln.

saturday is the may festival at s's school. i signed up at school today to work a shift in the morning. don't know if he'll be there - will see.

so another weekend with quite a bit of contact - i was actually planning to overhaul my house on sat and sun, thinking that s would be gone friday afternoon - but now with all these other things going on , it will have to wait.

had my time with IC today - told her some of the stuff that had happened and we talked about the first time about h really being in MLC. she said that it was one of the hugest life adjusting events that could happen to a person, and that it was sad how lightly people took it, because it was so painful and intense

several times she said that she really liked what i was saying - about what patterns i saw and how i was working to change them. when i told her that i had realized that so much in the marriage had been about me, and now it just needed to be about h, she was really complimentary. she thought that it was that kind of attitude that could possibly turn this thing around.

after i told her some of the stuff that our friend had told me last sunday about what h said, she thought that he wasn't about to go running out to file for divorce anytime soon.

we talked about how right now, i can just focus on becoming stronger , more centered and work on my own issues. she didn't think it was a good idea to move too far from him and become too independent - have to talk with her more about what she really meant by that - as we were running out of time.

at the end -we talked a bit about him and i talking together - how he's said he wants to many time, and that now i'm not so comfortable about coin that with him as i see how he draws the conversation into only about what is wrong with us. she said several times that she thought it would be good if i brought him in with me to see her, even though she knew how averse he was to therapy. that from the sound of it, we didn't know how to even start having a constructive conversation and she could help us a lot with that.

i pointed out to her that he didn't even know that i was seeing her, and she replied, well then you're not ready for that either (earlier we talked about what happened about going back to the child therapist and we agreed that he was not ready for it)

i told her that i hadn't mentioned it to him because i didn't think it was any of his business.

so all in all even though i had been thinking i wouldn't continue going -( i could use the money to pay for yoga, frankly.) i think i may keep going.

i came home and meditated, and now i am calmer - we had agreed during the mlc discussion that this could take another year or so, and she also agreed that what i did and how i did it could be very significant in how things went.

so it's back to myself, and staying as grounded as i can - and looking at the big pic and not focusing on instant gratification, but instead on inner peace and being responsible for myself.

i've noticed with s that the more i am taking care of myself, the more relaxed he is - good thing for me to see and i believe i can apply that to h as well. (when he told me about the house, and we were talking for awhile at one point he blurted out - "i don't have to take care of you any more" - that really stuck with me. i find that if i listen better, he does give me a lot of info about where he's at in his mind


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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another thing coming up next week - going on s's school trip to Boulder for 3 days and camping - we're car pooling with the other families and kids, so am a bit apprehensive about which car i am going to land up in.

h is going too, and has asked several times if i'm going and still agreed to go too. we don't have to go at all - so i find that a bit interesting. he's insisting on pooling w/the others rather than add our car, which is unusual - i think it's to make sure we're not riding the whole way there and back together - which works for me - it will be a bit odd - all the others are really cohesive families and we were one of those last year this time... so i'm finding it a bit strange that he wants to be in that situation.

any thoughts on that, anyone?

i'm finding myself thinking that i won't go - but that would be acting in the old way - letting them go on a trip and staying home. got to keep that 180 going


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Your answers are perfectionist. Full of unrelated details. What does perfection look like?


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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When I first heard someone say that you dont have to be perfect to be a perfectionist. It was an Aha moment for me. I was sure that I was not a perfectionist cause nothing was ever exactly how I wanted it to be.

Maybe regarding the trip to Boulder you could send your H a simple email. Something like:

Hey H,
I was really looking forwarded to going on the Boulder trip. It would definitely be a new experience for me. Traveling and camping sound fun and I thought it was time for me to get out there a bit more.
Just wanted to check in with you and see if you thought I should sit this one out. I know things are rocky between us and S10 having a great time on the trip is my top priority, I would not want to jepordize that in any way.
Let me know what you think??
Zig

I think this might be good because it recognizes his feelings and validates. I dont think the 180 of you going on the trip is worth it if H is pi$$ed for the whole trip that you went. You can do other 180s while they are gone.

I dragged my H to C and it did not work one little bit. Its not worth it till they are ready. And they are really really slow.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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well - i either bunged up REALLY bad tonight or i did a good thing.

i drew a HUGE boundary with fil.

i haven't talked about him much - but i believe strongly that between him and his father, the reasons for h and his sister way of dealing with life are largely due to the way he deals with life. mil is the only compassionate one in the family and she was out of town tonight. i saw clearly how she holds things together, in a way i've never seen before.

fil called this evening to say that his sister had been in town for 3 days and could s and i stop by because they wanted to see him, and they were leaving first thing in the morning. i asked if h had already come by to see them, and he said yes. i talked w/ him about how this situation was getting a bit ridiculous - that h couldn't call and say he wanted to take s and why hadn't he told me earlier.

i agreed to bring s after his martial arts class finished at 7.30 and asked if we could eat with them as it was going to be so late.

when we got there - the vibes in the room were palpable - that's when i realized how much mil soothes everyone. the three of them were like being with 10 h's in the state he is right now. i breathed deep and tried to relax, but within minutes aunt #1 was talking with s about what a busy summer he was going to have - and mentioning all these trips and plans with fil and mil. i was like, what's this about -

then they bring up a trip that i have specifically told mil that i am not happy about s going on and we haven't agreed to it. the story behind it basically is the following:
i drew a very specific boundary about s spending anytime with h's sister if her lover is present (for anyone who hasn't read my past posts h's sister is having an affair fro 2 yrs, which cost her her divorce, with a woman who is married to a man with a 6 yr old daughter and the man also has a lover, and they all spend time in the same house together)

i explained to mil, that what they did with their daughter and what they accepted was their own business, but that i was going to emotionally protect our s by NOT exposing him to a situation like that. it is bad enough that he is living through our sitch, but i'm not adding another layer to it.

h's sister has announced that she is bringing her lover with her here for their grandparents 70th wedding anniversary this summer and fil and mil are appalled but won't draw a boundary with her. that is their business, but i've made it clear NOT to expect s to be present and that it will be up to them to explain it to him, not upto me.

h's sister and s are SO close, that the proposition of me drawing this boundary is scary (not to mention h's reaction when he hears about this, which he hasn't yet, as far as i know)

so back to the trip - it's for the sisters best friends' wedding in CA and there's no way mil can guarantee that the lover won't be there, so i haven't agreed.

much more difficult that just the above is the fact that mil and fil have consistently over the years made plans directly with s, got him all excited and then asked us,, so we have been in a position where we had to say yes. there have been repeated conversations about this over the years, and h and i have always stuck together on this issue. except this time, fil asked h and weeks later, mil asked me, to which i gave the above answer. she's put it on the shelf - not wanting to deal with the real issue which is sisters' actions.

so i kind of couldn't hold it together and 5 mins after this trip came up as if it was going to happen, i walked back into the room, told fil and his sisters that i was sorry but s and i simply couldn't stay there and that i needed to draw a boundary with this family and left with s.

s was of course upset - we went downtown - i cried a bit, got him pizza and came home to eat.

after he ate we sat and talked for a while and i let him know that that was probably not the best way for me to handle things, but that i wasn't feeling particularly strong today,. i openly referred to the separation - for the first time - and i think that was hard for him - saying that difficult issues were going to come up and that we needed to resolve them

he went off on a tangent talking about staying positive and started just smiling - poor fellow - i didn't make it easier for him tonight , did i?

the worst of it is that fil didn't say a word, let me walk off and i know will act as if nothing even happened. knowing him he won't even let mil know, or will say something like - zig acted strange and just took off.

i'm so mad at myself - that was the old me - when things got difficult i had to get out of there..
but this was different - i was making an all out effort to make sure s spent time with h's family, and i just felt as if i got completely disrespected.

there''s a ruthless passive-aggressiveness about that family that crushes me. they want what they want and they are going to get it anyway they can, no matter how much it hurts anyone else.

i see fil live that with mil - and h with me and i guess i just couldn't take it tonight.

i forgive myself already for being weak and exposing s to my pain - but it must be the approaching full moon that has all of us in a state - most threads i'm reading, everyone seems to be struggling a bit more this week

so here i am - a bit in shock about what happened this evening - totally unexpected.

i've thought many times about calling fil and apologizing for not "behaving" but then find myself thinking - i need my actions to speak here, not my words.

he's not getting it - just like h, he is trying to arrange everything so that it's like before the separation - and all of us live as if nothing shitty is going on. i know that inside he is agonized terribly, and really hurting about this, but he cannot just pretend that things are going to be as they were. i have already had a conversation about this with him a while ago and made it clear that he cannot assume anymore that h and i will do things together like celebrate s's birthday at their house together as we always have etc and i though he respected that.

oh shite - i should just go sleep - this day needs to be done

as for perfectionism - well as you can see from the above - i'm not anywhere near being perfect!!

sorry for this long rant - i really needed to vent bad - i'm just upside down now, and cannot think straight.

i really want to talk to mil, she's just coming back from a 3 day work trip , flying in just about now, but i hate to bombard her with this the moment she lands. will wait until she calls me, for once


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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hi bklynmom - thanks for your reply.

i'm a little confused - you said that h might be pi$$ed that i'm going - in fact i don't think he is at all.

he was thinking of going and asked if i was going (weeks ago) and i said yes i was thinking of going and then he agreed to go also. then he asked me a couple of weeks ago when plans had to be finalized whether i thought he should go,and said strangely that maybe s didn't want him there.i replied really warmly and said i was sure s wanted him there very much, and would love both of us being there for once, and didn't he remember how he loved it when he was a kid and his parents came to his games? he agreed

but maybe i read it all wrong and wasn't really listening - in fact now that i think of it, maybe it is too much pressure for him for me to be there, let alone for me.

i've decided to make things as easy for him as possible - no pressure, completely backed off and down. so maybe you're right - i should just let them go.

i don't even know whether s knows that i am coming and if he may be really disappointed that i'm not there. the last couple of trips with his dad have been disasters and part of why i wanted to go was to be there for him.

not making any decisions tonight for sure - this one needs a couple of days of thinking.

sheesh for the amount of 'Good Advice" i have given out recently - i should take some of that myself right about now


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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journaling

yesterday's events have really triggered me off bad. i'm trying to sort through what is really going on with me. woke up at 5, really upset and have spent the last hour crying and trying to calm down.

i'm scared for s. i'm scared about the things going on with h and his family and how that is shaping his personality because he is so heavily influenced by them.

i know my fears are real because mil and i talked about them openly - really openly in the last month - and she agreed with me - in fact she said that it was hers and my job to save s from becoming like them.

i'm upset because i don't know how to do that. last night, when i tried to talk with s about all this, it scared me how he stayed really quiet - just wrapped around me and then got really quiet and we just sat there together for about 10 mins. then he lifted his head up which was buried in my lap, put this fake smile on his face and said well its better that we are just very cheerful and acted as if nothing was wrong.

i know why i am so so upset - i think i have been upset about this for 10 yrs - always have been conscious and deeply worried about this, and always kept it deep inside and now it's coming out in a big way.

i had no idea that i was holding so much about this and towards fil.

i'm mad at myself too - over the years - we let s be with them an inordinate amount of time - it was as if i was helpless in how that happened - and i always felt this discomfort about how we did it, but could never articulate it in a clear way for myself or to h.

and now, i'm freaked out because s is so deeply entangled with them and on one level they do have an incredible relationship together that i have always encouraged and supported wholeheartedly. in fact the only reason that they've seen as much of him as they have in the last 8 months is because i've taken him there. when s is with h, they barely see s.

i'm finding that during this sitch when ever i am having a huge emotional reaction, its not just to what's going on presently, but it is bringing up huge amounts of stuff that i have not dealt with in the past.

so in some sense, i have made progress - i recognize that really clearly now, and am just going to face it and learn as much from it as i can;

i think part of my reaction here is mixed up with my feelings about how shocked and distressed i have actually been over the years with fill's behavior. he has had multiple affairs - and mostly with men - because he is actually gay, they have been short, and then he's worked through them and they've got back together - he came out to h and his sisters about 6 yrs ago - but announced that he was renouncing that part of his life (after which he had another affair about 3 yrs ago } mil has talked openly about it to me, including the fact that he never even bothered to use a condom, and i'm confused about her reasons for staying, but i am not one to judge her decisions.

that's the scary part for me and the one i have to face now - there is a certain RUTHLESSNESS about the way they go about getting what they want that SCARES THE [censored] OUT OF ME!! and it always has. and i think i faced that yesterday

so i'm becoming aware now, that for all these years i have carried all this info and told myself that it was fil doing this and not h - because he seemed so different and so disapproving of his father's actions, and now during this crisis, i guess i'm dealing with the fact that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

i'm also finding out that for myself, that all this stuff has actually upset and distressed me way more than i ever realized, and it's time for me to work through this and accept that it's a part of s and my life and find out what is the right way to help mitigate the effects of it for s.

i hope i can be up to the challenge here.


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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what i'm dealing with now - it's a hard one to face when i read my tag line - quiet acceptance of this?

i suppose with time, even this...


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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"it's time for me to work through this and accept that it's a part of s and my life and find out what is the right way to help mitigate the effects of it for s."

I think we all hide the truth from ourselves. We dont even know that we are hiding anything. Even though you and MIL have talked about some of the problems you havent focused on solutions. Therapy and 12 step programs can help you with that.

Most people come from messed up families in one way or the other. Why do some people carry deeper effects than others? That is what we have to figure out for ourselves and our children. I look at my mother and her 7 brothers and sisters all raised by my grandfather a raging alcoholic. Out of 7 siblings 3 are addicts, 2 are nuts and 2 are upstanding citizens. Each of us reacts to hardship differently and your son has to know that even though his family is difficult that its okay. He doesnt need to hide it. I know being honest is a really good starting place.

Some of more of my thoughts. Take what you like...

You should start therapy with you and your son. Your S should not be hiding behind a smile, he needs to have a safe place to talk about it.

I think you should consider why you are banning your S from any contact with your SIL. To me it feels like you are hiding your SIL bad behavior. Your S will have many different friends throughout his teenage years. Many with different values then your own. You cant keep him from all the unpleasant people he will meet. Your son seems quite astute and have you thought about having a open conversation with him about your SIL decision. That it is not something you agree with but she has decided that she is doing xyz ... Without harsh judgement just that it wouldnt be your choice.

Why do you refer to SIL boyfriend as her lover. It seems like a condesending term, havent they been together 2 years now. Does she refer to him as her lover? We all need to accept what is.

Regarding the trip. I guess I misread your post. It sounded like your H didnt want to travel in the same car as you and didnt want you to go but I guess I misread it. Either way why not just ask H if he would like you to go. I think that asking is a win/win. You validate that there is a problem in the relationship and you are willing to take his feelings into consideration when deciding.

You are doing great. Be gentle with yourself.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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