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#2241151 - 04/27/12 11:46 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2090
Honestly I think you will say the most by saying nothing. I would not reply or acknowledge that at all.

My interpretation is that he is conflicted and is baiting you to push him farther away and/or make everything okay for him. Don't take the bait, remain silent and stick to facts and logistics.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014
Divorced 8/2014

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#2241174 - 04/27/12 01:12 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: Underdog]
oldtimer Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 4475
Hey Bets!

Good stuff about the false WAH/LBS dichotomy. In my book the difference is mainly a matter of timing -- who can't take the pain anymore first. LBS's are lucky because they get the benefits that come with breaking the unhealthy cycles without having to do the very difficult job of disrupting the status quo and being the "bad guy."
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

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#2241203 - 04/27/12 04:24 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: oldtimer]
Underdog Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 6212
Loc: Denver
Yep, you got that right, OT... when my XH moved out, the people closest to us (including our parents) were really quick to villainize him. I knew that he had the toughest job, because had I been the one to leave, I'd have been the biatch and he wouldn't have worked AT ALL to change people's opinions about me. I galvanized my peeps and told them all, "If I'm working on forgiving him and we do reconcile, I need all of you to treat him as you did before." That was all it took.

Fifi, I'll write to you in a second...

smile Betsey
_________________________
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

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#2241204 - 04/27/12 04:34 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
Underdog Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 6212
Loc: Denver
LOL, I really can tell you're not a Fifi, so I'm glad you confirmed that. I think of a very sweet poodle... it's like calling some huge 7 foot guy Tiny. grin

What a great letter! I'm tell you that I didn't get that validation about being a great mother until 2 months ago!!! Wow! I am completely in agreement with Accuray... don't respond beyond telling him thanks for the compliment and tell him what time the garage sale starts. That's it.

He validated you and your strength. So you take this one and run with it. At some point, you WILL be able to have an emotional talk with him. Your DB coach will undoubtedly help you navigate those waters. But in the meantime, you just stay on your side of the street and keep working on those improvements.

The good news is this: you know now that your best communication with your H is when you stick to facts and strip the emotions out of your correspondence with him. I know it doesn't seem fair, since he apparently enjoys telling you how sad he is. But in his head, this is all about him. So let him live there for awhile.

At any rate, you have a template from which to work when you communicate with him next. Apparently, e-mail is a good forum for you as well. Use that information to your benefit, okay?

Good job on working with the positives you have. Because they truly are.

Okay, time to get busy here. I will try to drop in tomorrow too...

smile Betsey
_________________________
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

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#2241443 - 04/28/12 05:51 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: Underdog]
dbmod Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/08
Posts: 2155
Hi fighting-

Welcome to divorcebusting.com--officially!

Your spouse has given you some tough things to hear. Are you in individual counseling (if you have said so, and I missed it, I apologize).

You have been given some really good advice from some of our vest vets.

I think you have to have some professional advice as well, from someone who is pro-marriage (maybe your MC is???) and separately from someone who can help you personally. Your H might need the same. The personal counselors should not try to end your marriage.

If the situation described in your first post (that your H was describing you to the counselor) is true, you might find a need for medication. I'm not saying its needed or not, I think it might be helpful for you to have that assessed (maybe you have).


Anyway, welcome!
_________________________
dbmod

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#2241450 - 04/28/12 06:23 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: dbmod]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/24/12
Posts: 96

Thanks for your advice OT and Betsey. I am confused. My H has been around a lot be he keeps telling me how sad he is and starting to cry (which he never has done in 10 years). How do I handle it, I tell him I am sorry I hurt you. Is that the right approach? I am sorry for my part. What is the best response to repeated sadness?

dbmood- thanks for you input. Yes, we are both in IC and MC, same therapist. She doesn't think I need meds, she thinks we are both have to work on family of origin habits to reduce these interactions. I have been making great strides at this, and she says that H telling me all of these things is evidence that he is starting to feel safe with me.

My question to everyone is, can someone be so hurt that they really can never love you again, even after you change your interaction style with them?

Thanks everyone. Feeling funny today because of all his sadness, I am sad too but not sure if that's ok for me to say.
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2241463 - 04/28/12 07:51 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
oldtimer Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 4475
Rather than making his sadness about you, apologizing, trying to fix it,

how about

accepting his sadness

acknowledging his sadness

showing compassion for his sadness

validating his sadness
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

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#2241465 - 04/28/12 08:21 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Originally Posted By: fightingforit

here it is:
"As I have been working on myself, I realize that I do not express my feelings. I have been reading a lot. Other people feel similar to how I feel. This is how our relationship made me feel.

I censored my thoughts and feelings. I was afraid of your emotional reactions, so I swallowed my hurt and anger.

Criticism. No matter how hard I tried nothing ever felt good enough.

Controlling.
I felt manipulated and controlled.

Dr. Jekyll and Ms Hyde.
One minute you are kind and loving, the next your flipping out.

My feelings don't count.
I usually never expressed my needs and feelings, but if I did they were minimized or dismissed.

EXAGGERATED version of reality.


Walking on eggshells.
One misstep can set you off.


As we were walking out he says. Ok, let's figure out the finances now that I am moving.


Hi FFI, I hope you don't mind but I edited out some bits from your original quote, just to highlight the very same things my H told me. So, yeah, it was all there.

Since then, (and even during our time together) his P/A was always there - and it grew over the years. He was quite capable of expressing himself with friends and strangers, but not at home. He blames me for that - to an extent I can take responsibility for my own outbursts and I have been working on it.

But let me also say that over the years when he had one of his own criticisms of me, I would work on it.

These P/A men do need to do work on themselves too, and I believe the best way is through distancing yourself. I find that's the one that works the best for me (when I have been consistent).

Thanks for sharing your sitch!

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#2241467 - 04/28/12 08:22 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: YankeeCandle]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
P/A = passive aggressiveness

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#2241468 - 04/28/12 08:25 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Originally Posted By: fightingforit

It was actually such a relief to have reasons for the first time.


I know, right.

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