What a mess I have made of my family!

[Truegritter]

she is confused.

Very.

I told her how much I love her and that I am making changes in my life to make her happier.

You can't talk your way out of something you acted your way into.

Man you are in the fire quick. But it's ok.

don't panic it ain't over until you say it is.

I am famous on here for these words:

When you said your vows. Did you say?

"I will love and honor you all the days of my life...

Until you are confused and scared, So scared that you run away, So scared that you don't know how to show love to me.

Then

I won't"

Is that what you meant?

Now is the time for you to figure out who you are.

What those words meant.

They have never had more importance than now.

For what you choose in the face of this tragedy willl define your life and yourself.

So

What kind of man do you desire to be?

What are you prepared to do for your M if you are not assured it can be saved?

[I Will Fix It]

Thanks -This morning she said she wanted to talk. She said that we can not argue about this everyday (I freaked when I received the papers) or she would move out. That she wants me to sign the papers (I told her that there are changes that need to be made and that I will get them to an attorney)and then she said I don't know what the future will bring. The next sentence from her was that she needs to be on her own and that I need to be on my own to figure it out. Then she asked if I wanted to have sex -of course we did. It was passionate as always.

I told her that I would sign the papers because I love her but I did not want a divorce and would try to change her mind before August (when she wants to file). She had told me in a text the day she sent me the papers that if we had a chance we would have to start at the beginning - so I also told her today, that if the divorce happens we would start dating again because I might divorce my wife but I was not going to loose my wife.

I guess all of this is against the LRT but I think(?) that it was the right thing to say. I believe that her personality will not allow her to back down from the signing of the papers and maybe even the filing - but I think she is not sure that is why she is still sleeping in the same bed and she has given herself until August. I told her that between now and the August there can not be any other man or woman involved and that we needed to do things together (dinners, beach, etc) and she said fine. I know this is very far from over any thoughts on what I should be doing?

[MrBond]

Yes. Stop doing everything that you just did. Even the ML part. She's doing that to make her feel less guilty. She's not doing it with you on an emotional level, she's doing it to placate you.

"I told her that I would sign the papers because I love her but I did not want a divorce and would try to change her mind before August "

Never say something like that. Just do it. You don't sign the papers because you love her. You respect her right to make her own decisions, but don't do it because you "love her". It makes you a martyr, but she's not going to want to come back to that.

"The next sentence from her was that she needs to be on her own and that I need to be on my own to figure it out."

What utter nonsense. When she starts saying things like what SHE feels YOU should be doing with your life. Stop her and say that you don't 'need' to do anything. That is your decision as much as leaving is hers.

[I Will Fix It]

Thanks Mr. Bond. I read your response today and I agree I need to follow more of that advice.

Saturday was surreal - she sat on my lap and told me that she felt so much better after she had given me the D -papers. I told her I would sign them this week. She said that she understands that she does not hate or dislike me but that she wants to 'care' for me. We made love to me again. Later that night watching TV she came and sat right next to me like the old days and I caressed her. At night I held hand like the old days, etc.

On Sunday I made her breakfast and help her clean the bathroom (under remodeling to sell house). She thanked me. Later in the day she told me she did not get much sleep the previous night. I went to get purchase some groceries and brought her some flowers. Later she asked to make love again (all of this love making is way out of character for her). But this time we did not - I kissed her a couple of times and she said she was not in the mood – and that maybe I should leave the house for a while (which I had offered on Saturday if she needed to be alone). I said fine but that two things we must agree on - there would be no other woman or man in our lives during this separation and that she needed to understand that I was not abandoning her (like her dad did when she was 8). When I clarified that ‘deal’ again she said forget about it.

I know I need to give her more space (she is hurting, depressed and confused) – I let my guard down and hopes up after the Saturday events – So I will get papers signed this week (which will cause some more animosity), give her space like I was for a while there (no I love you, no touching including trying to avoid ML) – should I leave the house? August her time-table to file even if I sign them now.

[MrBond]

Did you actually read what I wrote? You just repeated it again. Doing so only satisfies her conscience. It's not to get back together with you.

"there would be no other woman or man in our lives during this separation"

What separation? You signed D papers. And while it's nice that you have a timetable, lets be honest, she now has the right to go around and see anyone she wants and there's nothing you can do about it. Don't be surprised if the second that "deadline" passes, she suddenly has a new boyfriend that just "appeared".

"When I clarified that ‘deal’ again she said forget about it."

Because she wants to find someone else to make her feel "happy". She thinks she's unhappy because she believes she knows you. Show her a different side that will change her thinking.

"and that she needed to understand that I was not abandoning her"

That's been your problem. SHE doesn't NEED to do anything you want her to do. YOU want her to feel that she's not abandoning her. But look through the sitch, you didn't abandon her, she abandoned you. So your words were pretty much empty and sounded controlling. Don't be surprised if she turns those words around on you.

"So I will get papers signed this week (which will cause some more animosity),"

This animosity will come from you but you can prevent it. Learn and study everything you can about this so you can deal with it in a healthy manner.

"give her space like I was for a while there (no I love you, no touching including trying to avoid ML) – should I leave the house?"

DO NOT leave the house. In fact, get yourself a makeover pronto. Change your clothes, haircut, cologne, etc. Refresh yourself and get your swagger and b@ll$ back from her. Show her the MAN you are now. It take some work, but it can be done.

[I Will Fix It]

Recent events - I saw an attorney and received his comments. I told my wife that I really did not want to give her my comments until May (although I did not tell her my request is because I want to delay it as much as possible and our 27th anniversary is 4/27 and I don't want to deal with it then). She said that was fine. Which was surprising since she has been almost harassing me about the papers.

I am still trying very hard as Mr. Bonds appropriately puts it get my ba!!s back and get some swagger. I am also following his advice of not saying that I am trying to change her mind but just doing it- i.e. I do nice things for her that I did not use to do (running a bath, breakfast sometimes, make the bed sometimes, etc). What do you guys think?

Thanks

[MrBond]

"I told my wife that I really did not want to give her my comments until May"

IMHO you should have just told her and then stated what you felt about them. Be assertive and strong.

"I do nice things for her that I did not use to do (running a bath, breakfast sometimes, make the bed sometimes, etc)."

Some of that's going a little overboard. Remember you're her H, not manservant. You want to get her to do those things for you not the other way around.

Aside from the domestic duties, are there any activities that you can do on your own to reclaim yourself? Something that you've always wanted to try but were either to afraid to or didn't want your W to get upset about?

[I Will Fix It]

Thanks Mr. Bond- Yes I have told her several times how I feel about the papers and the divorce.

The reason I am doing these type of things is because she has been telling me for many years that I don't do anything for her (I was asked by the DB coach to read a book about the 5 languages of love and I know that one of her ways she wants to be shown love is by 'acts'). Some I am trying diffrent things - and yes I want her to do them for me - and really she did some of them a long time ago. What do you think?

Yes I have not embarked on for example motorcycle lessons because she is has not embarked on anything either. I am not sure if and when I do is that going to start a flood gate of doing things apart from each other - it is not happening now.

Again your commments the other people's comments really help.
Thanks

[MrBond]

"Yes I have told her several times how I feel about the papers and the divorce. "

No I mean you should have told he the straight forward facts about what you want out of a D if that ever happened. I'm not talking about emotions. Right now your emotions are coming across as neediness. Start thinking about what you want if you get D'd. Not saying that you have to agree with it, but you always have that as a back-up.

Face the fear upfront so you are not afraid of it anymore. Once you conquer that, nothing can stop you.

"Some I am trying diffrent things - and yes I want her to do them for me - and really she did some of them a long time ago. What do you think?"

So why did she stop? That's what the problem is of many of the WASs, they believe their LBS is the reason why they're unhappy. They think they don't have to put in any effort themselves.

Yes I have not embarked on for example motorcycle lessons because she is has not embarked on anything either."

Who cares? Just do it. Doing something that brings you joy will help to bring your old self back.

"I am not sure if and when I do is that going to start a flood gate of doing things apart from each other - it is not happening now."

Again, who cares? Are you saying that you enjoy following her along like a puppy dog and waiting to see what SHE wants to do? She's a grown woman and not a child that needs to be watched 24/7. She will come back to you when you show a shift in your attitude. When she sees you doing the activities that help you get your swagger back, she may change her mind.

But remember, you're doing it for you. NOT FOR HER.

[I Will Fix It]

This past weekend gave me tremendous hope - yet I remain very guarded. We did lots of things together around the house (based on the book I am reading it points out that one of her love language is acts of service - i.e. she wants me to do things for her without being asked). She has started to kiss me on the lips again, Sunday asked me to sit close to her on the couch (as in the past), has allowed me to hug her regularly and I can hold her hand in bed (a 27 year ritual).

This attitude was more prevalent on Saturday and Sunday than it was yesterday (Monday)–it seems to vary. She has not verbalized anything about our status for example she has not mentioned the unsigned divorce papers, but her actions seem to suggest a possible reconciliation.

Our 27th anniversary is this Friday 4/27 – I am not sure how to handle it – I think I will tell her that I have made dinner reservation and see what her reaction is. I don’t know if next week she is going to ask for the papers (since we agreed that I will sign them by 5/1). I believe I need to still give her lots of space, continue to show her (by my actions) some of the changes that I have made (they are real and I expect to continue these changes if we reconcile).

Any thoughts? Thanks