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Thanks Kaffe - loved the laugh!!


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 96
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Queen-
Thanks for the insight. He actually did say that my messiness makes him feel taken for granted. I didn't understand that. I am definitely a work in progress and I am inspired by everyone on this board who is turning a "crisis" into a chance for self reflection. Thanks for that.


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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FFI-

As for the messiness, my H accused me of that, too. However, my house is now fairly peaceful and clean since he doesn't live here anymore.

And as I go through different areas of the house, for I fear I will have to move, I noticed that my H kept everything, even garbage (and I mean actual garbage). I am not saying that I'm not messy, but it just seems interesting that the house seems more in order since he's gone.


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 96
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Ok, does anyone have any advice on family outings? We had our first social outing since the "Bomb" and my husband likes to pretend everything is fine. I am so angry when he is around, mostly because he is trying to act like nothing is wrong, I just don't get it. We were at our friend's 2 year old's birthday party and they know what is going on because I told them (he still doesn't talk about it to anyone). I feel like I am living a lie, pretending we are this family when he is looking for places to live and saw a divorce lawyer on my birthday!!!!!! I am trying not to show anger but at this point it is not working for me, because you know what I am pissed that he just wants to walk away. Any words or wisdom would help- thanks!!!!!


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: fightingforit

Ok, does anyone have any advice on family outings?

Yes...enjoy them.

The outings are not about the future of your m, but having fun with whomever you're with

and giving your kids a good time
. And maybe giving your h something to miss. You don't have to make HIM your focus...why would you?

Talk to others and make jokes, tell stories, ASK them about their lives if you can't manage to "perform" and be in a great mood---let the others be shocked if and when they hear the news of a divorce. They'll think he's nuts-

whereas

if you are visibly fuming or seething at him, then what's for him to miss? And people may well end up believing the crap he says about you.

If you need acting lessons, get them. A lot of us deserve Oscars... cool


We had our first social outing since the "Bomb" and my husband likes to pretend everything is fine. I am so angry when he is around, mostly because he is trying to act like nothing is wrong, I just don't get it.

Because
1) it is easier on HIM and frankly it's easier on the audience b/c who wants to see a couple in crisis, at a social outing? Awkward...they tend to blame thte party most upset.

2) if you are holding out hope that he'll wake up and return, and HE MAY,

then keep the road home, paved & smooth.


When you get home, get away if need be, and be busy nurturing the kids even with him around act like he's furniture they enjoy...you are not intearcting WITH HIM but "around him" and he can see what a great woman/mom/friend you are...and what a fool HE is


We were at our friend's 2 year old's birthday party and they know what is going on because I told them (he still doesn't talk about it to anyone). I feel like I am living a lie, pretending we are this family when he is looking for places to live and saw a divorce lawyer on my birthday!!!!!! I am trying not to show anger but at this point it is not working for me, because you know what I am pissed that he just wants to walk away. Any words or wisdom would help- thanks!!!!!


see above...

and lose that anger, at least in front of him. It simply does not help you.

it validates his choice to leave. You want to confuse him right? You want him to wonder why he'd give up a great catch like you, right?

Then don't keep bitching at him or around him or you will fuel his negatives.

I'm not saying be a Stepford wife. You can be "hurt" when others are not around but you are trying to show that "awakening" in the rules.

That you KNOW you will ultimately be alirght and that HE is the one who is losing the most.

You can even pity him; i would. He'll NEVER be as close to his children as he could have been...and he may not know what he's lost

til a long time from now.

But that is HIS loss (and your kids')...for their sake, give him something to miss.

But know you will be fine no matter what HE chooses to do.He is not in charge of how you feel or how your day went

or how your hours were spent or how your future looks...

You are in charge of all that.

Let him sense that you think he's making the biggest mistake of his life BUT that you will do more than recover from it...

do NOT tell him this, but "radiate" it. Make sense? You want him to second guess himself

and you cannot make that happen by directly challenging him to do that. It entrenches his views.

You have to believe it and live it and at some point

that will bug the heck out of him. Trust me on that. The minute he realizes you are "going to be MORE than fine" without him,

but poor HIM, he'll miss the kids, and HE will have to pay money, and HE will have to drive or travel to see them and poor HIM

but when he goes to blame you and all he sees is a happy warm woman with friends and children around who love her, and the possibility of OM interested in her and finding her attractive.. (instead of a seething furious shrew, all alone waiting for him to come home so she can pounce on him with more of her anger---which would make it easier on HIM)

he'll see the new you and he will have to wonder wth he is doing.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Hi 25,

You make it so clear and sound so easy. I wish I could radiate at least that exterior right now.

I know that as a wife, I can't get angry at my H, I don't know why. However, I am deeply hurt by my H's actions. But, as a mommy, I am livid at my children's father for acting like a spoiled child and not doing anything to soothe his children's fear or try to co-parent.

How do you handle that part as you're trying to protect your kids and keep their suffering to a minimum?

(Sorry for the hijack.)


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 96
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Posts: 96

Thank you so much 25. I had a night of insomnia last night and was on this site for hours and I saw quite a few of your posts. You seem to have this amazing insight and you are so positive, I admire you for that. I was wondering if you had any books you read that were particularly helpful? I saw the weekend session you went to, but it is very far from my home. I am seeing an IC and have a divorce busting coach, but I still feel angry and resentful and sometimes (more than I like to admit) sorry for myself. I know I need to work on myself but I keep reacting to him. Thanks again for the advice, I really needed to hear those things.

Nemo- you can hijack anytime, I we are all in this together:)


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted By: finding nemo
Hi 25,

You make it so clear and sound so easy. I wish I could radiate at least that exterior right now.

Oh dear, don't ever believe I found it easy to do, at all. I said it was "SIMPLE", as in "not complicated." But it was very hard to do b/c I felt a grave injustice had been done to me AND to our children.

(I still do think that but not in an angry way, just like a sad car accient way.) But there are two thoughts I held onto that might help you, to keep calm. We all must find the "something" or mantra or exercise, that works for us, and use it.

First, showing my anger to my H never once helped me or our marital cause, once the crisis hit. It backfired.

So in short, it HURT ME MORE to show my anger in front of him...so I stopped doing it for the most part.

Second, though I believe he deeply wounded our children, esp our oldest d, I ALSO believe we have given them a gift.

I did not grow up seeing redemption or forgiveness. My children now have.

That's a legacy I'm happy with and it probably would not have occurred, but for this ordeal called MLC or WAH, etc.

I know that as a wife, I can't get angry at my H, I don't know why.

not clear about this^^ sentence. Wives can get mad. What don't you know?

To be clear, yes you CAN get angry - I'm saying not to show it to HIM...not now anyway.

And yes, my h did "get it" eventually. He realized how harmed his r with our oldest daughter was, how deeply he hurt her, when we went to Retrovaille. CORRECTION, he showed me with tears at Retrovaille, that he got it. But Maybe it happened sooner/earlier...?


However, I am deeply hurt by my H's actions. But, as a mommy, I am livid at my children's father for acting like a spoiled child and not doing anything to soothe his children's fear or try to co-parent.

How do you handle that part as you're trying to protect your kids and keep their suffering to a minimum?

(Sorry for the hijack.)


protecting your kids from the trauma of seeing their parents wounding each other is a good thing. So you are doing THEM a favor by not losing it in front of your h, or them.

When my kids asked me "what's going to happen?" (b/c at their age they have the right to make this largely about what happens to THEM),

I reassured them by referring to several friends and activities in their lives, that would NOT change. Stress what will remain the same for them, no matter what happens. Best advice I can give you, is that.

For instance If you don't have to move, "you will still have your room, your friends, Pete can still play every Tuesday and you'll have the same school too," ETC

If they ask you IF you are divorcing and paperwork has not been filed and you hold out some hope, even a small amount, then don't say you are sure you are getting a divorce. My DB coach said "don't tell them unless you are 100% certain it's happening and even then, don't tell them too far in advance. It drags it out for them. SOME notice is fine, but depends on r's you have and their maturity level.

So if he files-hey Even if he gets the ball rolling, you don't have to push it.
You can say things like "I sure hope not, b/c I've loved your dad for a long time"

and then I'd reassure them of something about THEM. At one point I told my youngest, "I promise you this. I will do what I really truly believe will make YOU happiest"...and I meant it. And it helped her feel safer.

Finally, I separately asked my d's (son was at college) what their worst fear or biggest concern was -in the event of a divorce.

My then 16 y/o d said "moving". My youngest said "probably moving & not seeing dad much". I thought we could hold onto the house for 2 years , til d16 graduated from high school ,so THAT is what I stressed. "No moving for you so enjoy your friends and your prom and High school, etc" and she felt better.

She did not feel better about her father but she felt better about HER future, and she worried less for her sister and me.

IF asked whether I "wanted" a divorce, I'd say "No b/c your dad is the love of my life, but if it comes down to it, I know I'll recover b/c I have you guys and my friends and my career so we won't be on the streets."

I was luckier than many.

And don't start to feel worse if you find this hard. I thought at times it was "Mother Teresa" hard. Same goes for "Applauding loudly for the 1% of positives he does" which was also DB coach'es advice.

IT is hard in part b/c you don't believe your h "deserves" forgiveness

or deserves you being anything less than murderously enraged around him.

I get that. In a way he may deserve that.

But so what?

it doesn't help YOU! You are who we care about, Not him...


and your kids someday, sadly, will come to you after their first love breaks up w/them. Model for them NOT falling apart or becoming a shrew...and if you only have sons same things applies in the male version.

I put various playlists on my Ipod (sad, work out=mad, romantic music with some unidentified OM-but who looked like a movie star, if I had the guts or things looked better, I'd put the playlist on for romance with h...and I got exercise. REAL EXERCISE which helped me feel so much better and look better I might add.

I called them walks, but they were more like "Fury Marches". I ALSO put Marianne williamson and Wayne Dyer and "the Power of Now" on my Ipod, so I could think and pray too. Willamson has good stuff on forgiveness even if she is too new agey for some.

Hope this helps.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 96
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Hard session in MC today. Had to discuss our upcoming vacation that is prepaid and non-refundable. I was crying because I just wanted to take our kids on a nice family vacation, we haven't had one yet. My H says he doesn't want to go anymore, and the MC says not to take them alone because it is a big step and in the end it will hurt them since he is planning on moving out soon. I just want to go, enjoy my kids and swim and laugh with them. Why should all of us suffer because H is so selfish? Having a hard time coping today. How can a man do this to his family?


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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Posts: 96
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I had an IC session today that felt really empowering while I was in session. But now that I am home I am so sad, just cried in the shower so my S4 wouldn't see me. She said that she really believes that he never loved me the way I love him. She said to believe what he is doing right now ( looking for a place to move out to, seeing a divorce lawyer), even though we renewed our vows in August and he was sobbing, on and on about how much joy he felt with me.

She said we both have a lot of issues from childhood that we are dealing with, and we can never have a healthy relationship because he isn't motivated to work on his baggage. She said to just move on with getting healthy and the kids will be ok. I feel like we have failed them as parents. She wants me to move on (she is also his IC and our MC). Sometimes I don't know up from down after I come out of there.


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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