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Originally Posted By: Crimson

Heard from a mutual friend that W WANTS to be able to work things out but is concerned that she is still "emotionally numb" towards me.


Originally Posted By: Crimson
L's assistant contacted me today to try to push back the date of our initial settlement hearing. I guess my L will be out of town. Having to begin with this stage, the "death rattle" of my marriage as I would call it, is really tough. Somewhere in my head I am still hoping for an 11th hour miracle.


Crimson, is it foggy where you live?


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Crimson Offline OP
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Probably! Are you saying all of these things ARE the 11th hour miracle?

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:shakeshead: Crimson, Crimson

I don't know how many times you have been told that you are focusing so much on a date in time - as if the date will automatically change feelings or chances of Recon.

There is NO 11th hour. That to me looks like you are only making changes to get her to notice. Not for you


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
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Originally Posted By: Crimson
Just posting for the sole purpose of emptying me head a little and getting rid of some anxiety.

I have to drop S off at W's condo tonight. I hate these days - especially when they are following a long weekend with him. I don't think I can tell you how much it hurts for him to be gone and for the house to be empty. He is such a presence when he is there - and we have such a good time together. When he is gone, I feel truly lonely. Barring my W issuing an invite for something I won't see him again for sure until Sunday night. He is starting to do and say such interesting little things....."Daddy! Look!" was new for this week. I can't imagine a lifetime of this. It literally makes me want to throw up.

Heard from a mutual friend that W WANTS to be able to work things out but is concerned that she is still "emotionally numb" towards me. Hell, after the tongue-lashing I got Saturday night after the comedy show I would argue that she isn't emotionally "numb" at all. Rather, emotional....angry.....but emotional. Doesn't really matter, as it seems that the sands are pouring through the hour glass and there isn't much I can do.

L's assistant contacted me today to try to push back the date of our initial settlement hearing. I guess my L will be out of town. Having to begin with this stage, the "death rattle" of my marriage as I would call it, is really tough. Somewhere in my head I am still hoping for an 11th hour miracle.

Hope you are all well today.

Crimson



Crimson-

I understand your anxiety. '11th hour miracles' do happen, I've witnessed them.

I also understand some of the 2x4 you are getting.

Focus on the things that are working--
Focus on things that you like in yourself, your 'true' self...the part of you that YOU like best.

center and breathe.

You will know what to do.


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Accuray - great post and I think very true.

Most walk aways have so much pent up anger that they are like freaking ole faithful when they finally release it.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Thanks BklynMom, it was brutal when I went through it but in retrospect I can appreciate that it was a good thing.


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Accuray (and others) -

Thank you for your insight. Part of me kind of viewed it from that lens a little bit. I mean, it literally went from having a great "no pressure" night together with her holding my arm to *KA-BOOM!!!* you are the reason all of this happened...you pushed me here....how can you not remember X, Y & Z. It really did feel as if she had a moment where she said "Wait!! I am having FUN with him - EFF that!!" and then she let me have it with both barrels the whole ride back to her condo.

Afterwards, I truly felt as though it was good that 1.) she just let it all out and 2.) I did not let my self get baited into a situation where I participated in escalating. I really wasn't mad at her when it was all over. More than anything I felt bad about my actions and myself for causing her that much pain.

The next morning I thought to myself that marriage is not solely a commitment to BE with someone, but it is you committing to being a steward of that person's feelings and interests. They literally turn their heart over to you - all in - 100%. I look back and see instances where I *unknowingly* trampled all over that commitment....selfishly, most of the time. Her reaction/words Saturday night forced into the forefront of my memory the places where I dropped the ball, violated her trust, and ignored her interests and feelings....hell, that even hurts to TYPE, let alone revisit in your mind.

I am choosing to read her explosion Saturday night and subsequent apology Sunday morning as a good thing.

Harrier - I know that I am focused on a single date in time - the divorce date. And, admittedly, I agree with you that it it merely a date in time that does not change feelings or chances at reconciliation. But I am going to go "off-page" for a second and be honest with you and everyone else. The changes that I have made and continue to make are permanent. I look back at the way that I was and and embarrassed and regretful....VERY. I do not ever want to be that person for someone else and violate trusts like noted above ^^^^. Not for my wife, or for anyone else that I may be with in the future if my M does not come back together. That is the POSITIVE of DB'ing - it tries to simultaneously help you save your M while saving yourself.

That said, I can honestly say that it is hard for me to release the significance of "divorce" as an action....though I am trying....honestly. Here's why. I, like many others, found Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy AND these boards for one singular reason: we want/wanted to save our marriages and not get divorced. After being here for the last several months I will concede the point that divorce does NOT equal the end.....reconciliation is still possible after divorce. It is the significance of the death of a relationship, of a union that hollows you out a little on the inside. In my opinion, as backwards as it may be, to say that your divorce date is merely a point in time and is not significant as "the end" is to also say that the date and act of your marriage was equally just a point in time and not significant as a "beginning". Honestly, on September 30th, 2005 my feelings for my W were no more or no less than they were at the end of the night on October 1st. Nothing had tangibly changed. HOWEVER - there was a sense of union, togetherness and the opening of a door of possibilities to fill a lifetime in front of us. It was saying to each other, God and the world that we planted a flag together on this hill and we will die on it together - as one.

So even though you are VERY correct, that it is simply a point in time - to me it signifies the "un-planting" of that flag and the death of that union. Merely symbolic? Perhaps. But hard to swallow nonetheless. The act of marrying my wife filled a void in my life - completed me in many ways. The act of divorce exposes that void once again. I WILL BE OK EITHER WAY - but I don't want to tear apart that commitment.

Cripes! - I hope that wasn't terrible of me to say and I hope you all understand my point. I will continue to fight for my wife even if she is my ex-wife. In my heart, I can't say that it doesn't matter to me. I know that it does.

Crimson

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Wow, great post, Crimson. You really have learned so much and your words are quite profound. To hear a man talk this way about his wife and what she means to him is refreshing. Its good to know that men really do want commitment in their lives and they value the vows they made.

It really is so sad that its all too common for both husband and wife to lose themselves in a relationship. The balance of it all is a lifelong process. Trying to stay true to yourself all the while trying to have a fulfilling R with your spouse.

Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes "It takes a lifetime to learn how to live."

I'm so happy that you've made these changes and you've realized your potential. It helps me stay hopeful.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Thanks, JKS. Believe me, I DO believe in DB - it has done a lot of good in my situation. I have learned a lot about myself, my wife, my son, and love/relationships in general from all of this. I appreciate your kind words.

I just wish, like most, that it didn't take getting to this point to drive the lessons home. All of the things that I valued have been taken away or greatly diminished - ironically, as a result of actions I thought was protecting/building them.

Like I said, I never want to be back where I was again. Ever.


Crimson

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Remember Crimson, if your W ever brings up to you wishing she could work things out, but that she feetls emotionally numb to you, do not try to explain to her about how the feelings can come back. Just validate her.

Yeah, I can totally see how you would be (scared/hesitant/whatever) to try again if you don't have feelings for me the way you would like to. I can understand why you feel numb right now from how things were between us before. I totally get that, W. It must be so hard for you to feel that way.

My W felt identically and said the same thing. Don't make the same mistake that I initially made of trying to explain to her that feelings could come back and therapists or retrouvaille could help bring the feelings back. Just validate her and be there with her.

Like I suggested before, all signs of anger and venom she launches at you are better than the closed off, non-confiding W. It means she is feeling trusting enough in that moment to open her feelings again (resentment and anger in this case, but better than closed off alien WAS) to you. And the best way you can help her work through the anger and learn to trust you again is not to be defensive, but to try to really understand where she is coming from, how she felt and feels now, and to validate her feelings.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
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