Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 12 of 12 1 2 10 11 12
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
Let go of all this worry and leave it up to God. Pray every moment a thought gets in your head. Shift your thinking.

BTW: I bought the Self Esteem Workbook and Feeling Good. It has helped me a lot!!

Praying for you net!!


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Yes Adinva I understand but we are going Tuesday to start the divorce process. It's official. Unless some miracle happens. I talked to the mediator and he said once it gets to this point not many spouses turn back. He was being very honest with me. Told me to have open mind


Not sure what his point was in "being honest" and then saying "have an open mind" means or how useful it was.

What's it mean to say "it's official"? She files...okay...so?

It's a piece of paper that BEGINS a process...but it changes nothing about the existence of your children or your marital history. When she has time (and space) the better memories will resurface if you let her feel them...without you challenging her choices so much, b/c as I said, when you challenge those choices you force her to defend them...

AND BTW

In our state, a third of marriages filed do Not ever get completed.

And even some people divorce only to remarry later--I know it happens b/c I have two family members who did it. But they remarried years later.

Even as you speak of wanting another chance - in the next breath you reveal that you have not changed yet.

So you are not really ready for another chance b/c by your own admission you will repeat your same mistakes...

so why bother?

Work on YOU & ONLY YOU

so that if and when you do have the chance to co-parent,

well then maybe you can stay calm, then be friends, then be comfortable AND SAFE around each other...

and things can grow from there.


You're right that a 3-4 day workshop won't "fix" everything of course. It's a jump start that is faster than weekly T, that's all. It also will give you insights into HOW and WHY you can stop these reactions and you will get TOOLS for that.

But you will need and do follow up and since you are on the EC and there are support groups for you, (all free) you can keep going.

This IS within your control.

The idea that you cannot help yourself or control your behavior is a little crazy sounding on one hand, and or, just not that mature on the other hand.

I don't know an adult male who'd say that out loud.

So you MUST work on it.

Otherwise you'll end up killing someone or going to jail. I mean, really...what else am I to think?

To me it means either you really have a psych problem (so see a shrink)

OR if it's only your wife who gets you this way (still NOT HER FAULT how YOU choose to react)

it may mean you fear the content of her words is true...

whereas if she said "H, you seem like a purple dinosaur with a foot fetish"

you would scoff at her like she's nuts. You would not be "angry" or yell at her that she's lying and you are NOT a purple dinosaur...would you?

Wouldn't you realize that Her comments are not based on "real data"

so you would not care, right?

There'd be no trigger (I HOPE!!)

but if she says you are selfish or neglectful or unromantic, THOSE comments can hurt b/c maybe you fear they are true...so examine the content.

IF there really is not any truth to them, LET THEM Go...act as if she just accused you of being a purple dinosaur like a wino on the street might...and say, "who cares???" And mean it!

BUT

If there is some truth to her comments, work on those traits and soon you'll have solved them...and then there won't be ANY truth to her comments-

and no triggers either. Make sense?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,124
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,124
My wife gets me this way and I'm learning I act this way sometimes because of my childhood issues and triggers. I act immature because believe me that is all I was exposed to and now I need to figure it out and get rid of it.I'm learning to identify them but it takes more time as I'm learning. I plan on attending that workshop. There is one nearby me. (45 minutes) I emailed the guy and will call him.

I know what I have to work on believe me. I'm just not that calm do to these circumstances. Almost like when everything is good I'm good. When everything is bad I'm really bad. No middle. That is where I need help.

What was the next breath statement after 2nd chance that said i wasn't ready?

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,124
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,124
Also in my state. Mediation is the process of dividing assets and kids.

It's maturity during conflict. I've had no tools how to communicate. From the age of 3-11 I saw my father beat the pulp out of my mother (until she finally left him) This is all learned immature behavior that I'm working on but I'm telling you it takes time and lots of work. Then mix in the stress of this actual process it feels like I stand at the base of a mountain everyday. NO EXCUSES. I'm doing the work but it seems impossible somedays.

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,124
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,124
also where I really get emotional and triggers me to call MIL is the kids. Even though I wasn't the greatest husband I was the greatest dad. I am a very active and involved father. Always have been. I coach my S in everything and go to everyone of my D's events. I play with my kids and they love me. I've always been good with kids including other kids.

So this is a trigger. Because I MISS them so much. I went from 100% dad with time to about 40%. I'm not getting use to it at all. I miss them terribly. Even today I picked S up for 1/2 event and dropped him off. Its painful for me. I get so emotional and sometimes bitter. Yes bitter. Like "how can she do this to me" victim I know. but this is HOW I feel.

It is a huge trigger. Like when my S goes to a park with another father and his S and I'm like that should be me.

It hurts. I even think that is what I miss more then my W. The family life.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
Are you giving your kids what they need or are you filling your own needs through your kids?


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,124
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,124
I'm giving my kids what they need of course. I've ALWAYS been a great father and Dad. But there are boundaries back up now. So on her weekend there is no more hanging out like a family.

My plan before Tuesdays mediation is I'm meeting wiht my counselor for 2 hours on that day so I will be relaxed and in control. I will not react just listen and let the mediator handle her.

Everything is coming to a head right now so I've been super emotional.

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,124
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,124

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: netmaster
My wife gets me this way

NO she does not. YOU get you this way. She is not responsible for how YOU react. Period. Once you grasp that concept, as basic as it is, you'll have made real progress. It's called "owning" your actions and taking responsibility for yourself.

If your older child hit the younger child, and said it's b/c the younger child "Made him do it" and therefore the older child did not want to apologize b/c after all, the older child HAD to react that way...

what would you say?

To me, It is exactly what you are saying about your behavior and your w's role in it. IF someone triggers you and you decide NOT to handle it, which is what you seem to be saying

then avoid the trigger at all costs.


IT's worse to react the way you react, then to avoid them altogether.

Until you decide to control your behavior, you only have 2 options. Either Poorly reacting or not being around so there is NO reaction...You've put yourself into that situation by insisting you are not accountable if she's around.

SO
Choose the 2nd option (not being around) until you are lonely enough & miss your kids enough, that maybe you'll decide they are worth it and you want to change for good.

and I'm learning I act this way sometimes because of my childhood issues and triggers.

you mean you learnED to act this way as a child?

OKay so, when do you think you should UNlearn that? When do you have to be a man and not a boy? After all, you're a father now.

If you think you learned bad behavior from your father, ask yourself what you are teaching your kids now...

Is it that much different than what you learned?

OH now I realize you are not violent (I assume) and I appreciate that...it's pretty basic to not be violent, but at least you improved on that.

THING IS, I would bet your father blamed your mom for HIS reactions, didn't he? HE said she "made him so mad" I bet...

so in that sense, you are repeating that cycle. Don't.


We all have childhood crap. My dad was brilliant and well educated, and a raging alcoholic for most of my childhood...

I don't get to react to my husband as if he is my father, or to my boss as if he is my father, etc. Recognize what is baggage from the past and keep it there, in the past. You don't have to walk around with the chains from the past traumas...

you can let them go and learn new paths and frankly, you have to...

or be doomed to a life that repeats your childhood AND you'll pass that on to your children..



I act immature because believe me that is all I was exposed to and now I need to figure it out and get rid of it.I'm learning to identify them but it takes more time as I'm learning.


Not sure what this^^ means...it takes more time to what? TO Stop and think? Well, that's true. Seems to me a few seconds or a minute of processing your emotions
so you react appropriately, is not a waste of time - but a great use of it.


I plan on attending that workshop. There is one nearby me. (45 minutes) I emailed the guy and will call him.


I hope you do. I really do...If you actually do it, it'll be a turning point in your life. So we'll see if you go. I'm not trying to doubt you but it's easy to say you'll "go to that thing" but it's a whole other matter to follow thru. Again, I hope you do b/c I think it'll change your life. I know it will. But you have to get there. (And make sure you tell them you heard of it on this site--not b/c we get a "kickback" or anything, but b/c they seem to be impressed with this site as several DBers have attended but EE didn't know about this site, so it's nice PR for DBing.)


I know what I have to work on believe me. I'm just not that calm do to these circumstances.

you're doing it again. You are making an excuse for how you react...Stop that. Be in charge of yourself or get out of the area. And never buy a gun.


Almost like when everything is good I'm good. When everything is bad I'm really bad. No middle. That is where I need help.


This ^^^^ is my MOST and LEAST favorite quote of yours...

Net, think about that statement...

Pretty much EVERYONE is "good" when "everything is good"...that's not what tests people.

Bad times, stressful events, crises, THOSE TEST US and it's how we act THEN, that shows our character.

That's what I tell my kids when they date. Be with that person when times are NOT good, and see how they problem solve...do they blow up and blame?

Or do they focus on finding a solution? This is a fundamental test of adulthood and leadership and character. It's part of being a good father Net.

I SO hope you change your ways b/c I sense you really want to but you don't know what it looks like.
One thing I'd suggest now for you, is to surround yourselves with happier more functioning couples.

If you are around wife beaters, drunks, violent people, people who commit crimes, cheat on their spouses or at work,

AVOID THEM. Don't let that poison in your life or it's all you'll know.

My h and I learned that lesson a long time ago. We knew a couple who we liked as individuals but together they were toxic.

They fought a lot and there was always tension in every comment, hidden or implied meanings, or SO THEY THOUGHT...and after we'd be around them for awhile, a lot of times WE got edgy with each other.

So we started weeding those couples out. And we began hanging with couples who liked each other, didn't criticize each other or "tease" with a mean streak in it. People who genuinely enjoyed their children without making the kids reflect ON THEM....

and it helped OUR marriage and our parenting...food for thought.

You'll get more tools at EE but for now look at the people in your lives. Do your family members repeat the behavior of your parents?



What was the next breath statement after 2nd chance that said i wasn't ready?


I don't know what this^^^ means. Maybe it's a partial sentence.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Page 12 of 12 1 2 10 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard