Outside the Scope of This Report 4

[job]

Wendy,
Please do not look at her FB page again. It is causing you a lot of sorrow and you do not need that. She is very much aware that you are looking at it and that's why she's not blocked you yet. She wants you to feel miserable.

As for the 5-7 year comment about getting over a long term marriage...well, I was married for 25 years and it took me approximately 2.5 years to get over it. Why? Because my xh was the horse's @ss in mlc and I had enough of his bs. Also, my xh was not the poster boy for being a husband either, however, I accepted him for who he was and we did have a good life, but my life got even better once we were divorced and I had recovered my balance. I never knew just how often I was making excuses for his behavior or the "walking on eggshells" that I did. The divorce took a huge burden off of my shoulders and I have never looked back.

Hang in there and please don't allow the ow to push your buttons this week. This is your week to do whatever you want and enjoy your time while your h is away.

[Andabelle]

Why are you fixing him up a man cave?

You are doing beyond great for the most part, but I still think you're doing way too much for him...

[WenikiTiki]

Andabelle: I am switching the bedrooms, taking back the master bedroom. I am putting in that room all that he has said he wanted. Which isn't much. Since I'm suppused to be getting the house ready to go on the market, I'm trying to make it all look nice. Not slapped together.

I have been sleeping in that room, and I was waking up every morning feeling pushed out of place. I slept in my bed the last 2 nights, and woke up feeling much better.

Snodderly: My sister keeps telling me the same thing, that a burden will be lifted and I will feel better. And I know OW is a trouble causing drama queen, for all her claims to the contrary.

I have not bothered her, harassed her, done anything to her. Yet she keeps all this stuff up. Every step I take to get out of her way causes another reaction. I would be in jail if I was doing to her what she has done to me. People who have the training she has can get in big trouble for mis-using their computer knowledge.

Me getting control back over my computer seems to be one of the things that got her going here recently. Now she is doing other things to engage with me. And I can't possibly stay married to a man dumb enough to say to me that he doesn't know who is sending me the texts.

So I will wake up every morning from now on, with a beautiful sunrise out my window, and enjoy the time I have left living as a princess in my beautiful bedroom.

I am sorting out all the closets, and being in the right mood, I have filled several large boxes with misc. junk. Clothes are going too. If it doesn't look good on me, into the donate pile it goes.

Have a nice day everyone.



It was really bugging me, him calling it "His" bedroom, "His" bathroom. I don't know why. Maybe it was the loss of the word "OUR".

[beatrice]

How long does it take? Well it depends, I believe in part, on the quality of the marriage. My xh was a sweetie, and I was a lucky woman. He was a lucky man, let's not forget that bit!

So I had a very happy 30+ years, and I am grateful for that. had my marriage been less happy I might have 'got over it' as the saying goes, faster. So there you are.

We can control our conscious minds, and restructure our thinking, and do everything to help ourselves. Detachment is crucial. Our memories are something else.

You will be fine. As for the world being full of couples. Well I had that sense for the longest time, and now I don't so much. There are a lot of happy singles and a lot of not so hot relationships, and whether your first marriage was great, or not, we certainly don't want less if there is to be another time!

[BeingMe]

Hi Wendy! So glad you're in your own bedroom. I never left mine, and even redecorated it. H moved into the spare room. I refer to 'our' room, as 'my' room now. The "our" thing was hard to lose, and I kept correcting myself (felt guilty for some reason), but I don't anymore. He made his choice. I am pretty detached now, and expect to get over my M quickly since the last 26 years has been very rocky. We had lots of good times, but far more bad times. I felt that my whole married life, I was waiting around for him ... to come home, to do right, to hear me, etc. Never happened, except on the rare occasion.

Anyway, don't let the OW get to you. Perhaps you should report her to whatever authority she reports to, but only if you have evidence.

Take care.

[labug]

Hi Wendy, as I read your posts it's so clear that you are living a very beautiful, fun life except for that one pesky fly in the ointment, H.

You are headed for a charmed life!

[WenikiTiki]

Thanks Beatrice, Labug and BeingMe!

I found out the quilt guild where I want to move is a very active one. They hold a big annual show. Now to make sure there is a bowling alley still in operation nearby!

OW doesn't have a job. But she is darn good with computers.... If my computer gets hacked again I will go to the police. And if the anomoyous texts and emails continue I will get a no contact order against her.

For some odd reason they have reached a point where they make me laugh. Detachment is kind of a fun thing.

Okay, incoming grandkids. Gotta go cook some food and hide the breakables!

Love you all!

Wendy

[WenikiTiki]

Just venting a bit...... My meeting with the lawyer left me feeling a bit down. I am going to plan for the worst and just see where I end up.

I am really sad that for all the years I could have worked and instead worked on all the family stuff that I didn't. I should have put myself first. H always told me I didn't have to work, I could if I wanted to. What ever would make me happy.

Which I realize now was just his way of makeing sure he never had to do any housework or shopping or anything else. Oh well.

My switching the bedrooms project is in full swing. WHAT A MESS! My kids all converged here last night and we had a nice family game of Scrabble. My oldest son always wins.

But last night my younger son pulled out a 72 point play and won by 5 points. We keep a notebook with the games in it and the date. Also little notes about what happens that is funny. I love looking at that notebook.

We can all move to CA. We can figure it out. I love my family and when we are all together like last night it is beautiful.

So back to tossing crap. I need to donate/sell everything I don't need.

And I work up this morning and watched a beautiful sunrise out my window. I bet I can find a house with a bedroom that gets the sunrise...... since I am a morning person and love that!

I also am getting detachment from some of my furniture. As I'm building his man cave I decided to give him the antique asian nightstands that we bought together. He said he wanted them. It is just furniture. And all they would ever be to me is a reminder of us having picked them out together.

[WenikiTiki]

Well! I got the man cave done. My 4 year old granddaughter went in and looked around and said: "It looks very comfy in here." To me it looks like a motel room. I hung one thing up for him, a photo of him in college when he wrestled.

My DIL thought it was the perfect finishing touch for the room. I was pondering should I put a sign on the door saying: ______'s Room and a sign on the door of my room saying: Wendy's Room.

DIL said, no, the picture of him tells it all......

My living room, family room and office have stuff piled everywhere. I am trying to do one room at a time. And need to figure out why it is that I have so much stuff.

I did realize that I used to have a lot more parties. I have a lot of serving platters, fancy serving dishes, more than I can ever use. I need to pare it down to what I actually use.

I was down lower than a snakes belly earlier. I was grumpy and snapping at people. I decided to just not let this all bother me. My boys were helping move big stuff. My oldest son and I are the only ones not sick. There was a lot of grumbling.

I finally told them all that I rarely ask for help. And that I really wanted to get the stuff moved. It is helping me visualize a different future. And maybe they can't see how that is important to me.

But it is. I wanted things to be different when H returns from his trip. And they will be. I want him to walk in here and see that we are separated. He will have his part of the house, I will have mine.

I also want him to have that strange feeling of being in the same old house, but having to say, wait, that isn't where my clothes are. Wait, that isn't my bathroom. I have been thrown for a loop, and want a little bit of normalcy back.

And sleeping in the same bedroom, same bed, same dressers is helping me. I still feel a little panicy, but it is getting easier to think about the future.

And when I think about H and wonder how it is so easy for him to go days and days without even texting me, I start saying silly things in my head.

Here are my top 10:

We're separated, We're separated, We're separated, etc.

I'm a page he has turned, I'm no longer his concern.

Detach, Detach, Detach.....

Going thru the Big D and don't mean Dallas. (Sorry, but it makes me laugh. I was asking some insurance questions and the gal couldn't even say divorce, she said Big D.)

I sing songs in my head, like Tammy Wynette's D-I-V-O-R-C-E,
Rodney Crowell's "If Looks Could Kill", Jon Anderson's "Let Go of the Stone".

I turn on the "Traditional Country" station on Direct TV. Dang, are all old counry songs about broken hearts? It makes me feel worse, then soon I'm laughing at myself. There are as many broken hearts out there as there are stars in the sky.

I know I will get over this. I know there will be a new and interesting chapter in my life. So I just need to get through this boring, tedious and sad chapter!

Tomorrow I will power through the pile in the master bathroom. The bedroom turned out great. I put some things back where I had them when we fIrst moved in. And tried out a whole new look for nightstands.

Both boys reported that they each got one text from their father in the 5 days he has been gone. Believe it or not, that is more than he has ever done before.

[beatrice]

I think my favourite is 'The Divorce Song' Liz Phair.

But the idea that any of the changes will bring him up with any kind of jolt is mistaken. It seems there is a bit of you that perhaps still does not 'get' MLC. He is SURE in his head that he is doing the right thing. And that feeling usually lasts a long long time. I am talking years here, not months. There are a few people whose spouses 'wake up' in a shorter period and get therapy/counselling/meds to restore normalcy. But most of them barrel along through their crisis with little apparent regret for all they have thrown away. They see it as liberation for a new and better life. Although I do think there is pain there, they blame that on their life with us.

I think the lack of regret was the thing that threw me the most. What you are feeling is normal. What your h is doing isn't, by any standards. You do not walk away from a long marriage and your kids and all of that, on a whim, if all is well in your world. We persist in applying the standards of normality to them [I did it too, for a long time] It isn't until we realise they really are on another planet and see things quite differently from the rest of us, that it becomes less painful, and oddly enough, easier to understand. There is a weird logic to it, but it like trying to compare apples and cabbages. [Much less similar than apples and pears!]