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#2238568 - 04/17/12 11:32 AM Room for Improvement
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7794
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Just noticed my previous thread was way over 100!

So will bring my post to this new thread, as there is definitely room for improvement.

Journaling from Sunday:

I feel so bad tonight...Let's just say this has not been a stellar day in my history as a mother. I lost my temper with my son, kicked a chair out of my way and banged a wall with my hand. He can be such a hard case sometimes, no drive, no direction, no plan. I was just so frustrated.

I did apologize, not for my anger but for not managing it better. I had even left the house earlier for awhile to get away and cool off.

I feel like all the work I put into improving our relationship over the last year has gone down the drain because I had to act like a child.

Yes, I tantrumed. And I'm sad for both of us. All I can do now is dust myself off and carry on.

And listen when that little voice inside says STOP!
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2238576 - 04/17/12 11:55 AM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
don't beat yourself up over it, as you say, dust yourself off and keep trying.

i've done exactly what you've described too many times myself

the big huge difference is you recognizing what you wrote

I did apologize, not for my anger but for not managing it better

when i finally realized that myself - that it was ok to be angry, but not ok to express it as i used to, i can separate the two and find, just in that simple realization that it makes all the difference and i simply don't do it that way anymore

and while i wrote that above para to you - i had a tiny light bulb moment - and i know it's wandering off a bit - but it occurred to me that during therapy i can mention these sorts of things about myself, and indirectly give that message to h and maybe it will get through to some small place inside him and he can realize that he can do the same thing too. i could do with a little bit of him managing his anger a bit better myself.

i'm beginning to realize that this sitch is for me to "get" certain things - realize different ways of being and make them real for myself - and one of the things i'm "getting" is that forgiving myself is more important than anything else

(( ))
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2238602 - 04/17/12 01:01 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: zig]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1594
The fact that you recognize your contribution to issue with your son is huge. I am sure a year ago you would have blamed the whole situation on him and "if your son could only... then you wouldnt have to get upset" Now you recognize that you have a choice as to how to handle any scenerio and your contribution to the escalation.

I will say regarding your sons lack of direction, being 19 or 22 is a time when it is okay to have no direction for a little while. Maybe if he takes the time now to find the right path for him he wont go looking for it when he is 40. Some people need to be aimless for a while in order to find direction.

Go easy on yourself. You are human.
_________________________
----
M 37
H 34
D3,D2
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Served 5/2/12


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#2238663 - 04/17/12 03:49 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: BklynMom]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 980
Bug, you're awesome and human! I know you're disappointed in yourself and hope you can let it go quickly. Have you had any additional talks with your S19 after the event?

And while no one in my family knows it occurred, I have a couple impressive fist size indentations in my wall as well. : ) (Actually I was kind of impressed with myself and am tempted to go start breaking boards now!!)
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

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#2238664 - 04/17/12 03:53 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: labug]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Live and learn. In the past, had you lost your cool, would you have even considered the fallout from that action? How is that different from today?
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2238665 - 04/17/12 03:57 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: ces67]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2439
Loc: Piney Land
Ces you probably learned those skills from the Lizzard Master.

La it is a slip, a human slip. Nothing more, learn from it and move forward. It may happen again but you will be more in tune next time. And with everything else going on how can you not feel frustrated? You are doing good. I know the old you would have say you were justified for doing that. Right?
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2238678 - 04/17/12 04:36 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: Rick1963]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7794
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks everyone for the thoughts.

He stayed in his room for the rest of Sun but then yesterday and today we've had some positive interactions. We'll be OK but it was a big bump in the road.

The good to this? It caused me to look at what my self-care has been like. Lousy!

Having enough money gives me a feeling of safety so anytime my 2nd job offers me extra hours, I take it. It's stressful and working too many hours/week leaves me tired and stressed. I need to set a boundary there.

Haven't been going to AlAnon regularly-working too much.

My exercise/bike riding have been curtailed for the same reason.

And I've blown off yoga.

So it appears that taking care of myself is much more important than the extra dollars as we are not starving to death without it.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2238730 - 04/17/12 07:55 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: labug]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
go out and GAL.

bugsy.. i want to say that i truly do admire you. your strength.. your willingness to look within yourself.. you much needed humour.. all of it.. goooodd (i think of joey from friends when i say that).

we're all human so living up to the idealistic expectations is impossible. what shows character is admitting our faults and working through them.

you are a good woman.. a good mom.. a good wife.. a good friend.

i sometimes flip out at the kids. but then i later apologize and explain that it is the action i am mad at.. and not them. i try to ensure they understand that my love is not diminished although i may be angry. ah kids.. they can drive you nuts no matter what age!

oh.. something bklyn said made me think of a session w/ my IC. that we all have to go through this phase of trying to figure out who we are. this usually happens for most of us in our adolescent years. if not.. it may then come out like an MLC which we see has many parallels to being a teenager.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2238750 - 04/17/12 09:45 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: BklynMom]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7794
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: BklynMom


I will say regarding your sons lack of direction, being 19 or 22 is a time when it is okay to have no direction for a little while. Maybe if he takes the time now to find the right path for him he wont go looking for it when he is 40. Some people need to be aimless for a while in order to find direction.

Bklyn, I've heard this from others and even my older son agrees with that and says he was clueless at that age but he was going to school. Faking it until he made it, I guess.

I need to step back and get myself back on track.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2238812 - 04/18/12 08:23 AM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: labug]
cat04 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/31/09
Posts: 2164
Bug,

Need to agree that your S is at an age where it's ok for him not to have a ton of drive yet.

As a mom of a child not much younger, I think it is the time they should begin to have some sort of idea, exploring things, interests, etc... not just hanging out and doing nothing. However, they also have the rest of their lives to be responsible and it's ok to have this time of exploration. Hopefully that is what your S is doing. Mine, wants to be and do EVERYTHING and his lack of focus is making me a little nutty. It is just what he needs though I think smile

Our reactions are what we need to watch more than anything. It is ok for us to be frustrated with them and ourselves and situations, but it isn't ok to act out in ugly ways. Even if we can apologize for it later the damage has been done.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Self care, is something I was terribly guilty of not having when I arrived here. My X even pointed it out as one of his reasons for leaving (actually the fact that I painted my nails after several years and was trying to begin to take better care of myself was one of his excuses) anyway...

A pattern that I have noticed within myself is that it seems to be the first thing to disappear when I become too busy, too overwhelmed etc... That seems to happen to a lot of women. And then there are others who just can't walk out of the house without looking like they just left the salon (I will never understand those women but maybe they have something on the rest of us...)

Anyway, notice your patterns, notice how you feel when you are taking care of yourself versus when you aren't...

I am willing to bet there is a difference...
_________________________
The beginner scorns criticsm.
The wise soul carefully weighs it.
The Master says, "But of course!"

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