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OK, well... something is not jiving here, SIW...

Wasn't it you that we were discussing no so long ago that maybe LRT might not be the tool you need to use...

And now... you're W is feeling pressure and wanting you to move out...

Yet she's saying she'd like to maybe try dating...

I get that you are confused, my friend...

Why are you still reacting to your W?

Is it your nature to waffle like that? Or is that something that's happened in your recently...?

Like a puppy dog desperate for their master's attention... you are willing to do what ever your W asks you to do... on her whim... and in the moment of any of her emotions...

Are you prepared to keep doing that for the rest of your life? Because you could be setting a precedent...

At some point... you are going to have to make a choice...

Are you IN... or are your OUT?

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KD,

I am IN on saving this M, but am thorougly confused on what I can do to save it. Saturday Night we spent some time together and had sex, talked about how stupid it was to fight about going to this dance.

Then on Sunday she was a bear snapping on everyone. She took kids to Target so I packed a few things in my car so that I could sleep at my Grandma's house.

While I was in Milwaukee to get a key to the house she went with the kids to a friend's house. She texted when she would be home so I then went back and made the kid's dinner and hung out with them until they went to bed.

W did text me saying that it was a long day and that I did not have to stay there, but I did. I am hback home now and trying to determine what I am going to do. I certainly do not want the kids to know that I am not here and have no intention of using them as pawns.

At some point today W and I are going to have to talk about this. When we fought Saturday Morning (while the kids were outside) she in no uncertain terms made it clear that one of us had to leave the house. When I told her that since she is the only one that was unhappy then she should go she then went ballistic calling me selfish. At that point I should have walked away instead of being baited to fight more.

So then I leave to look for Apts and she then starts texting and calling. Shen then texts and tells me that she needs time to think about things, but that I am breathing down her neck.

I then suggest that rather than one of us moving and entering into a lease it may be better for us to stay with relatives for a few days so that we could have some time apart to sort things out.

This is a great idea in theory, but W's job requires me to take the kids to school daily and then I have to pick up D6 from day care.

Since my 180's were geared to the kids and helping with the house I do not want to stop doing them.

She likes my 180's but then is mad that it took her to this point to get me to change. To that I stated other than telling me these things when you wanted a divorce, when have we talked about these things? To her recollection it has been at least over a year.

When we are together I will do my best DB'ing to not show her any emotions. Be civil and polite, but not get sucked in to her emotions.


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SIW...

Saturday morning you fought with your W...

Saturday evening you had sex with your W...

On Sunday she was irritable so you packed more stuff to leave...

I'm guessing you tell your W you want to stay and work on the M...

But you leave when the going gets tough...

I get that you are confused...

Can you see how the above and your actions may be confusing to your W, as well?

She is asking for space...

but asking you to move...

Could it be that the only way she feels that she can get the "space" she needs to sort her thoughts, is with you not around her?

Think maybe that is because she feels you are smothering her when you are around...?

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KD,

She feels like I am smothering when I am around. I am trying to keep our interactions to a minimum since she said I was smothering her. It is easy to keep the attention on the kids and doing stuff with them.

She told me that point blank that she can't sort things out when I am home.

I have not said much about our R/M since Saturday Morning.

Do I stay away for a few days? I don't want to, but just don't know what to do.

SIW


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Quote:
told her that since she is the only one that was unhappy then she should go she then went ballistic calling me selfish.


SIW, I don't draw a lot of hard lines around here but this is one. If she's the unhappy one, she should leave.

And if she tantrums, you can walk away after saying "When you can talk to me respectfully, I will talk to you."

You will be OK.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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ok...

but who initiated sex saturday night? Think to the earliest moment when you KNEW there would be sex... or even suspected it...

What made that happen, for you? ie. She said, "your cologne smells good" and you realized there'd be sumfin sumfin tonight...

In your previous post you mentioned that you were in to save the M. That's fine. That's a decision you have made.

Before you can save the M... the two of you need to save yourselves...

She needs the space?

Maybe... stop having sex with her... we all need release, but once she's had the sex... she's irritable... think... maybe that's because she is mad at herself for being intimate with you...? That she somehow sees it as you manipulating her to having sex? That... you are smothering her...

Yeah... take a few days off... he1l... visit with your g-ma for the week... and then take a little vacay for yourself this weekend... maybe even take the kids somewhere... so your W can have space...

Might that work for you?

That certainly would give her some space that she is asking for.

And when you ARE with her... just be there... go about your daily "stuff"... that involves your W as little as possible...

Just some thoughts... Your choice how to give her more space...

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KD,

She iniated the Sex (she was in bed after I got home on Saturday Night) and said nothing of it Sunday. I think the idea of taking this week off would be ok. I will coninue to be there and do my stuff with little interaction with her. I will also let her initiate all e-mail, text or calls.

I think by doing this I will have given her space.

SIW


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Excellent news! It is very wise of you to be staying clear of M/R talk. Sounds like you are giving her lots of space and just being her friend and parenting partner. Plus you are keeping your cool and knowing when to back off.
Yeah, anxiety is my biggest problem right now too. I've been making the effort of only thinking positive thoughts about W, especially the happy times that we've had together. It helps and when you do interact with her...your friendship efforts won't appear forced and you will be more open to your compassion towards her.
Good luck.

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Sounds like a great plan! smile

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Originally Posted By: labug
Quote:
told her that since she is the only one that was unhappy then she should go she then went ballistic calling me selfish.


SIW, I don't draw a lot of hard lines around here but this is one. If she's the unhappy one, she should leave.

And if she tantrums, you can walk away after saying "When you can talk to me respectfully, I will talk to you."

You will be OK.



BINGO. ^^^ whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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