Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 13 1 2 3 12 13
#2205254 12/13/11 09:53 PM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
E
Eryam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
So I'm going to move on over to here seeing as I'm really piecing now. I saw 25 had written elsewhere that you never really stop piecing.... that your M should always be evolving... or something along those lines.

I feel like H and I are doing a lot better communicating, but there are still times and days where I am frustrated with him. At least I'm not having nightmares anymore. And at least most of the bad thoughts are gone.

But last night, for example, he went out to pick up a gift he had shipped to Best Buy. It took longer than he planned, and my phone was on silent (I hate it when I forget to turn it back up!). It was after about 2 hours that I thought, "oh my god, he's not coming back. He's flipped out again, and he's getting drunk at some bar and won't be back til 2 AM".

I talked myself on the ledge and continued doing housework. He came back at 10, with gift in hand, and another large purchase he made, explaining why he had taken so long.

I didn't tell him how I felt. I don't know if I should have.

We're still working through major personality differences (like, I'm a planner and scheduler, he's spontaneous and has no sense of time). I think that becoming parents has been great for our relationship though. I think we both find the other one being such a good parent really attractive. He's an amazing father. And he's told me he thinks I'm an amazing mother. And our child is, seriously, the happiest, most easy going baby I've ever encountered.

You ever feel like everything is going well, and you're just waiting for it to all fall apart? I kinda feel like that. Maybe it's just the stress from the holidays.


I have the patience of Job.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
May

that feeling that the other shoe is going to drop, "because" things are going well

is one of my most neurotic fears. I get it. And I force myself to think it out LOGICALLY to its' end conclusion.

Do I really believe God, or the universe, is setting me up? That I'm being "tricked" into feeling good - only to have the floor yanked out from under me later...all to teach me WHAT? To "show me NOT to count on things!!!" ????


To parcel out happiness in small portions always to be outweighed by struggle and pain? Hmmm, I don't buy that. Not intellectually or spiritually, (though my internal neuroses still do battle.)

So yeah, Been there, done that. I actually once said out loud, that I was "afraid to say I'm the happiest I've ever been."

Why did I FEAR saying that? B/C of the above fears/beliefs/questions... That somehow the second "they" notice I'm happy, I will face a tragedy---for unexplained reasons.

And yet there may be an explanation-

I THINK, that at some deep core level it's the fear that I don't deserve to be happy, that triggers this.

Cognitively, I say screw that. Emotionally, I'm almost there...so I'll say it now:

I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY damn it, and so do you.

Be in the now, and embrace it.

Worst case scenario is that you are creating a happy memory for tomorrow- that you can look back on in the future, and know you did not ruin with fears of disaster...

best case scenario, you live a happy life that much longer and more fully...

So there's not a big downside to embracing the now, is there?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
HI May,

Glad that you are working it out.... I followed your sitch on and off, and always thought you were so strong. You are doing such a good job with your baby, I don't know if i could have done that. My daughter is 12 and yet I feel that I seriously neglected her when all of this started happening to me.

That said, I would just like to encourage you to continue with your efforts. 25 is so wise, she has been through this all. I notice that when piecing starts, it is when the LBS suddenly experiences the insecurities and suddenly withdraws. I am going through that too.

But we have made it this far, lets all hold each others' hand (virtually) and keep on going!

HUGS


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
25, could you take a peek at my update when you get a chance.

(sorry to Hijack)


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
dueinMay,
i believe its ok to have those feelings. as long as you control them - and they dont control you. everyone has them once in a while, when we're feeling self-doubt or weak or insecure. the trick is to realize they're just thoughts, and have nothing to do with reality. and when they start to bubble up, just squash them early.

theres the saying, its not how often you get knocked down, but how often you get back up.

and marriage is like that. will he be the perfect husband every moment of every day forever. No. nor will you be the perfect wife.

but its how you choose to handle those imperfect moments that determines the outcome. and it is a choice.

I'm beyond happy for you, you did what so many of us have tried to do. you have so many reasons to be happy, and so many more reasons you havent even realized yet. take care of yourself, and your little one. bye.


"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
E
Eryam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
Aw, Ken, it literally makes me cry to see you go. I could not have gotten through this without you. Without all of you. This is still a journey, but I feel like I'm finally on the other side of the hill.

These past two weeks have been rough for H. I noted in my post on the other board that his parents have been crappy again. Now it's ramped up from crappy to full out batsh!t crazy. It's been hard to watch.

I've never really gone into his family's dysfunctional history full out, and it's really too long to explain, but long story short, for years his parents used H as their personal piggy bank. They basically manipulated him into giving them ridiculous amounts of money, and then after 3 years of it, H put his foot down and cut off contact. That's all you really have to know for this story.

We went to MC and talked about it. The therapist agreed with my diagnosis of a major personality disorder, most likely narcissistic personality disorder. I had a prof in grad school say a NPD patient he had once was by far the scariest person he's ever worked with. I would believe it. I felt like it was good for the T to be extremely straight forward with H about what to expect from his family, which in this case, is nothing. Expect them to be continually disappointing, continually selfish, continually frustrating. I did as much research on the topic as possible and the general consensus seems to be: Run. Run away. As fast and as far as we can.

We went to their Christmas for the first time in 4 years. It seemed pleasant enough on the surface, and then I noticed H and FIL had disappeared. Eventually BIL also went into the room where they had disappeared to. 2 hours later, they all emerge, looking red eyed. During a brief moment during that stint, BIL's wife checks in and assures me everything is fine. I chose to keep my distance. After we got in the car, I asked H how everything was.

H: Fine.
M: Yeah?
H: Yeah. Did you have a good time?
M: Yeah, I suppose. I guess it went pretty well. So um, why are your eyes all red?
:::this is where I think that maybe they've had some emotional break through, thinking I'm going to hear "we really talked about some good stuff" or something to that effect::::
H: I.... um.... (starts to sob)... I've been duped again.
M: What?
H: I'm so stupid! I've been duped again!
M: What?! What are you talking about? Why are you so upset? What happened?!
H: My dad confronted me about stopping payment with them all those years ago, locked me in the room and shoved me against the wall and got in my face.
M: WHAT?!
H: They don't care about me. They just want money.
M: But why was your brother there?
H: He came in trying to poke his nose into it like he always does, and then I found out he told dad everything we talked about this morning.

Oh yes, he and brother had a long heart to heart this morning where the objective was to put it "all in the past" and "move forward". Which apparently he just used the information to go to the parents.

I just watched him fall apart. He said he's seriously considering a restraining order. He said that he brought up the fact that we've done just fine the past 4 years without them, it won't be hard to do it again.

Of course then they got even more angry because they want our D to be in their lives.

Um, if they're going to be like this, I don't want them around my D. I don't give a damn what their relation is to her. If they're going to be dishonest, narcissistic, violent a-holes, she won't miss them. I didn't want them around her to begin with because of this same pattern of behavior. What 60 year old man shoves his own son in an attempt to bully him? An idiot, that's who.

Why, why did H open this can of worms. I mean, in my mind, I know why. He hoped they would get their sh!t together. But I knew/know better. That's why I'm glad the T laid it all out for him. They will most likely never change. They lost a son and a DIL, had a scare with cancer, and watched another neglected son die, and they still are the same.

F them. Merry Christmas.


I have the patience of Job.
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
E
Eryam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
Oh his family drama just keeps getting worse. At least I care way less about it now.

Let me be clear: I do not care less about how much this is hurtful to my H. If anything I'm even more enraged and resentful over it (I put the blame of a lot of his craziness over the past year squarely on his f-ed up upbringing) for how it has hurt him. But what they think of me? I couldn't care less. It's refreshing, actually, in that aspect.

But I won't bore you all with the drama.

H and I burned some hotel points that he had to use or lose for New Years, and my parents watched the baby. We had a good time. I think my family is a little more accepting of H back in our lives, not to say any of them really said anything super negative about him ever.

I feel like I really did try to present him as mentally ill during the last year, versus being an arrogant, selfish d-bag. I mean, he was acting that way, but due to his MLC/post-partum depression/whatever you want to call it.

H's favorite present was actually a letter my step brother wrote to him. Brother (who has a heroin addiction... sober for 6 months today though), wrote he and me individual letters telling us how sorry he was for any behaviors he may have done that were hurtful and to tell us how much we mean to him. Apparently in H's letter, brother also told him how glad he is that he's "back to normal" and considers H to be like the brother he never had. H cried and hugged him for a very long time.

H and I still have things to work on. We'll always have things to work on. I'm finding that I'm giving him a heads up more often when I'm already a little keyed up (like yesterday, was the first day back for students. I thought I was going to die by 2 PM). That seems to help him lower the bar a little when he knows I'm already raised. And we made a big R step this week: we opened our first joint checking account and first joint credit card.

This. Is. Huge.

I think he's still a little worried that I don't see the changes. I do. But I also see the potential for back slide, and that scares me. I'm just still cautious. But cautiously optimistic.


I have the patience of Job.
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
E
Eryam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
D is 9 months old today. She took her first steps last night. She walked to me. It was a great Valentine's present.

H is out of town. I feel like I'm handling it well. I did have a moment on my way to work on Monday morning where I was on the cusp of a panic attack, but I managed to reel it in.

So much has changed since the Christmas break. We're no longer on speaking terms with H's family (again). This was his decision. I'm staying far away from it. I could choose to get involved, but honestly, it's too exhausting. Look up "narcissistic personality disorder vampires" and you'll get a sense of what it feels like to be around them. H and I decided to put our house on the market for a variety of reasons (and believe it or not, the housing market is actually doing REALLY well in our neighborhood despite this economy).

I suppose the timing for it could not have been better because H was offered a big promotion last week.

But it's in Mississippi.

I lived in the "piney woods" of East Texas for 1 year and just about lost my mind. Granted it was 10 years ago, I was a freshman in college, and I didn't have a husband and a child. But it was awful. So I'm a little fearful of going to MS.

I would be a SAHM because teachers there make so much less than teachers in my state. This also makes me nervous for a variety of reasons, but the most important are 1. I would lose one of the things really identify me as a person (my job) and 2. I would be completely, 100% financially dependent on H (which given the last year of our lives, makes me scared as hell).

We spoke with my family about it, and they think we should go for it. It would be a career changer for H. And we would be able to come home in about 2 to 3 years, so this wouldn't be permanent. While we're there, I would probably get an additional certification that I can receive online which would increase my earning potential by about 15-20k.

And the trump card for me would be that I get to raise my own child.

But the dependence thing... it really, really scares me.

........

H has texted me this week asking if I'm doing alright with D by myself. I know it comes from a place of genuine concern and wanting to be supportive, but inside I have resentment and think, "of course, fool, I've got this. If I can handle it with a newborn by myself, I certainly can handle it with a higher functioning older child". But I don't snap. I just keep it to myself.

He sent me flowers. Twice. Once last week "just because" and once on Monday for Valentines. It was very sweet and very unexpected. I'll be giving him his Valentine's gift this weekend: a years worth of preplanned, prepaid dates. Each month he will open an envelope, and then we will pick a weekend in that month to go on the date (I can't take credit for this idea; I found it on Pinterest). I'll let you know how he likes it.

We've all had an unseasonably warm winter. It makes it feel very spring-ish here. It makes me panic. It's been almost a year since the ILYBNILWY discussion. The weather is what sets it off for me. I have a huge association with it. And now with him being out of town this week, it makes it even worse.

Looking back, I'm very thankful for this past year. It was terrible in many aspects, I don't wish for anyone to go through it, but it was probably the most incredible learning experience I've ever had. Traumatizing, but valuable.

I'll let you know if we end up moving.


I have the patience of Job.
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
You are doing great! WE do learn a lot from this hiccups in life.....


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
E
Eryam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
So we have to move. Our house sold in less than 36 hours.

Wow, I was so NOT prepared for that. The option period has started, but it appears unless they find something majorly wrong with our house, we have to be out by March 23rd (and they're paying with CASH, so worrying whether or not the financing will fall through isn't a factor).

H and I were floored. And someone else has said that if for any reason this deal falls through, they want to put a bid down. So we're moving, and doing it fast. We have to find an apt, because regardless of whether or not we move to MS, we are not ready to buy another house yet, in either state. And that's not something we want to jump into lightly, so we have to have somewhere to go in the interim.

I feel like H has been more testy the past few days. I don't know if it's the sale of the house, or what. I know I've been putting the pressure on him to make a decision about this move. I think, again, it comes down to a money thing for him. Which I totally get, I do, but I think he thinks that we have to have a certain amount of money to live, and I don't think he realizes how much we spend unnecessarily. Even on just his income, we would make way more than most families in America live on. If most of America can do it, we can do it.

But then, it scares me again that he will become resentful that he is the sole breadwinner and that I contribute "nothing" (nevermind that I'll be cooking, cleaning, raising our child, and getting additional credentials to make more when we come back home....). Maybe I should bring this up in MC.

I don't know. I feel like we have a lot to work on before we pick up and move across the country. I think he needs to stop coming from such a selfish standpoint before we make the decision for him to take on all financial responsibility. After all, if he asks me to do this, I'm leaving MY career that I've worked VERY hard to obtain.

It's stressful to say the least. I've had migraines three days this week.

At least my child is still easy and wonderful, we're all healthy, and we're all under the same roof.

I just don't know where that roof will be in a little over a month.


I have the patience of Job.
Page 1 of 13 1 2 3 12 13

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard