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Time for a new thread.

My old one:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2227973&page=12

I am muddling through my paperwork and phone calls this morning. Read everyones comments. I am wishing and hoping that it is sinking in.

OW is hurt, sad and alone, too. She is a bit scary in her current abilities to manipulate. I am more and more seeing my H as a person who seems to take pleasure in hurting both OW and I. He is messing up all our lives. He is only seeing himself and not concerned at all about me, our kids, our grandkids, our friends, and even OW.

Whatever happens, happens. I will take back my bedroom. Last night I caved and asked him a question about the texts. And he responded so much like a child. I reacted like a child. He stormed off to bed, and I followed him and told him to at least tell me he was sorry I was being harrassed.

He said he had said that. He hadn't! I told him that, and then he did say it. I also reiterated that I feel there is only one person who would have any reason to send me these messages. And that I wanted him to admit it. He then said he still couldn't do anything about it.

I was way off DB track. I told him off about a few other things. But he can do something about the texts. He won't. He told me he asked her did she do it and she said no. (That settles it!)

I haven't had any yet today. I sent an email to the parent company and asked them to block my number. Of course there are many other companies out there that allow you to send anonomyous texts and emails.

The carper cleaner is scheduled for the master bedroom. I'm going to buy a bunch of boxes and pack away all of my priceless antiques. So when people look at the house they see the house, not all the stuff in it!

I better get busy!

Aloha,

Wendy


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
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I posted this on your old thread as well by mistake - darn edit button.

Please do not take this as criticism, because the hardest thing is having to share your living space with a MLCer. Those that take off do us a favour.

OK, you are still very involved with your xh. Yes, you were married a long time, and it takes a while to detach, but you MUST detach. It isn't an option but a necessity.

I have come to see MLC rather differently these days. They are living in an altered reality which makes perfect sense to them, but not to anyone else much. The OW is a part of this altered reality, but in no way guarantees that she will be treated well. Your h might spend money on her, and time with her, but she is a puppet in his strange twilight MLC world. I don't mean this to sound patronising. it is sad actually.

Arguing is utterly pointless. They cannot budge an inch in their current belief. And one of the weird things about MLC is that something that insist on one day they will even deny having said the next.

Comments like never riding in a car with you again are so MLC. There is not externally rational reason for this, but it will make perfect sense to your h not to do this.

Seriously, you cannot argue with a MLCer. Their world is closed, coherent and consistent to them. I think it might actually make them feel unsafe to have it challenged. They survive in the larger world by following the rules that are imposed on them, so they can go on functioning in their jobs, although over times they may become less functional and productive, at least that is what people have reported to me.

The more rule based their employment the better they feel. But if those rules change it is like the end of the world.

I don't think there is anything we can do except state our own boundaries and refrain from arguing. It is not only pointless but it entrenches them in their position. They cannot be wrong. It isn't like with us - 'OK so I made a mistake, sorry' It is fundamental to them that they are right about all they do and say.

It does get better, and the more we see they really are not on the mother ship, and quit trying to bring them aboard, the better we get on.

Your getting the house termite treated is a case in point. There is no reasonableness in his request, and you can say firmly that you are not doing it alone [your boundar

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As I am in a decision making mode things are happening for me.

My friend from the Netherlands, who I met in Bali 9 years ago, wants me to come to Langkawi Island where she lives now. She promises I can learn how to heal my broken heart. (Meditation)

I helped her in Bali after she had been robbed. She says I am an earth-bound angel and that I am not living up to my full potential. I think a month away from everything and everyone would be a nice thing.......

And I might learn something from her. Her fiance committed suicide 3 years ago. She went through some tough times.

As far as moving bedrooms, I laid the groundwork for that with H today. I said he could have steaks at home or take me to dinner, even though he had made the bold statement that he would never ride in a car with me again.

He choose dinner out. So over dinner I told him I was going to pack up a bunch of knick-knacks and re-arrange the house while he was gone. Told him I was putting some stuff in storage, too.

And I left it at that. He will figure it out. He was being nice tonight. He again wanted to watch TV with me. I was able to not have any R talk.

I got very little sleep for the past week. H has had many early morning VTC meetings, they hold them on Wash DC time, hard on the Hawaii folks. When he starts up his truck it is about 6 feet from my head. It is a big loud truck. Yet another reason to switch bedrooms......

So I am off to bed. Yoga in the morning then sailing on Kaneohe Bay with my best friend.


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
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Hi Wendy,

My son did a meditation retreat when he was 17,it changed his outlook on life. He still does Vipassana meditation. He is the nicest,most balanced, most sane person I know. I have my own meditation retreat booked, in Thailand, for June this year!

I have sailed from Langkawi to the Southern Thai Islands. Fantastic scenery, just check the monsoon season for the winds. We can suffer from the 'doldrums' here in Asia, (I suspect you have had enough of being in them already!).

Regarding DB techniques, in my experience they will do what they will do and very little we say or do other than filing for divorce or walking away makes any difference (in my opinion).

He is the one who has done the 'dirty' on you he MUST take some of the consequences. If he has an affair he has no right to be in the marital bed. You preserve that right. End of story.

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Go for the trip to Langkawi - and the meditation which is a right brain activity, and unlocks all kind of stuff for us, including new ways of seeing the world.

A months away there while your h remains crazy. What is there not to like? Just make sure you have secure financial arrangement in place before you go though. Just sayin'.

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Yes, I have an appointment with a lawyer. (Again) Hopefully I like this one. I plan to have some papers drawn up that state what we will be doing while we are waiting for the house to sell. Like not changing anything, like life insurance, not buying new cars, not moving money around. I'm sure the lawyer will explain to me a little better how this goes.

Our tax refund is big enough for us each to get a lawyer. So be it.

And the Realtor told me that we don't need the house tented for the kind of termites we have. (Furniture eating ones.....) So H spot treated them himself. We pay a fortune every year for the subterranian termite defense system. Those are not active. And are the ones you really have to be afraid of!

When I travel to places like Bali I carry a money belt and take cash with me. You can still get robbed that way. But you don't have to give up a credit card number. If you do need a cash advance you take the credit card directly to the bank.

I am off to yoga. Hope you all have nice days!


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
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Hi there, Wendy. I was away for a week, so wasn't on DB for that time. But, I got your new thread. I see you are doing well, except for that li'l old slip. We all do that, then we just have to reorganize our heads, and try and do better.

Take care.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
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"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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My H is off island for a week. And I don't know why this has OW spinning up so much. She sent anonomyous texts to make sure I looked at her FB, and now is posting stuff about everything I say. (I know, just don't look.....)


Pretty much she seems mad that if I post something fairly boring, like: "Hey to all my Facebook Friends and Family: Just want you all to know that I love you all! I've been having a bad year and just don't know where I would be without the encouragement I get from you all."
I get 22 likes and 19 comments. I do have a lot of good people in my world.

And it is pretty funny, I think she will be headed back into the psych ward soon. Her stuff sounds a little manic, and has some very convoluted reasoning. I am not writing anything about her, 99% of my FB friends don't even know her name.

I said before, I think she is having a MLC too. It was so hard not to really mess with her today, then say: "April Fool's!" I restrained myself.

Today I worked hard on my house rearranging. What a huge mess I have going on. I got the curtains all nice in the "Man Cave" I am making for my H. Got part of the bathroom stuff switched. Had to pause and go to a beach BBQ.....

Now I must get some sleep.

Goodnight All!


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
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Hi - detach. She is pressing your buttons. Why give her the power.

There is a reason these guys are with someone crazy . . ...

Seriously, the less you think about and involve yourself in the madness the better you will feel.

I often think facebook is a menace for those dealing with MLC. So often either the WAS or OW or some combination thereof use it to spy on you and/or to post things that are upsetting, and meant to be.

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Thanks Beatrice.....
I'm having a moment of just feeling crazy. OW posted about getting a great price on plane tickets to see a friend. I figured she would go to DC to see him.

I need to not look at her page and let them have each other.

I don't know why it hurts so much. He is a dope, and I am sure I can live a more enjoyable life without him.

Yes, I keep forgetting the DETACH part.

Maybe part of my problem is that I just feel alone. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I am surrounded by happy couples. I was reading about lost love, and comically it puts the brain into a place simular to being newly in love. In other words crazy!

This is a chapter out of the book "Cut Loose", it talks about lost love.

http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/16cutloose.pdf

I also read somewhere that it takes 5-7 years to get over a long term marriage. Well I don't have time for that. I'm going to
put a rubber band on my wrist and start snapping it when ever I think of my H and wishing things could be magically repaired.

I really don't want him back. I know that MLC is a problem, maybe even an illness. Well maybe it isn't my problem.

Maybe my problem is how to have what I want and need, and not have an anchor dragging me down!


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
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