[quote=sayitaintso]If you do as Busto suggested above are you prepared to deal with her saying no to your requests and accepting the divorce at this time?[/quote
I'm not sure, SAIS. This is where I struggle. Oh, and fully detaching, but I think I am getting better at that!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Yes. Lose the fear. That, and do something different from what you've been doing so far, because it's not working.
What do you have to lose by trying?
Starsky
Starsky - that ^^^ is what I fear...the unknown or the possibility of seeing things through to D. I know, I may be headed there regardless. I want out of limbo but will I necessarily land in a better place. This is what I fear I guess.
[quote=bustorama]
2tP, I think you're looking at this the wrong way.
It's not a matter of "am I heading toward that (a divorce) regardless?"
Rather, look at it as
"Is the current situation (a marriage with a third person in it, and an unrepentant wife who is disrespecting your marriage and YOU having to live somewhere else other than in your OWN HOME) something you can live with? Is it something you can abide? Does it violate your core integrity in an "I'm sorry, this-is-not-who-I-am" way?
To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost? All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost? All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
Starsky [/quote]
Very well put and I like that perspective!!!
M 43, W 40 T 22. M 14 D 14, S 9, S 8 DD 11/21/11 Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!
