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#2239636 - 04/21/12 09:45 AM Re: Time to take out the trash [Re: 2thepoint]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7820
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
It is a good boundary, to be sure. But it is unenforceable as long as I am not living at the house.


Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

She could also come right back with a boundary for you. I believe wholeheartedly in boundary setting but you have to be aware of the intended and unintended consequences.

Boundaries are to protect you, not to punish another, a good rubric to use when setting a boundary.

2,I know you're having a difficult time finding your next step. When it's time to take that next step you'll know it's right. The period of indecision is so uncomfortable that we just want to make it stop. So we do something, even if it's wrong for us.

"See there, I'm a person of action!" (oh sh!t, I didn't see that coming)

I have regretted decisions made that weren't right for me but I've never regretted taking the time to cometo the right decision for me.

(This does NOT mean you worry and overanalyze and try to think of every possible outcome. This means accept what is, live your life and the answer will come.)

Many of us are so afraid to just let things be and wait for answers because we've been told all our lives to do this, do that, now do this, be like that guy over there, be more like your brother, be someone you're not.

Sometimes we like that approach because if things don't turn out well we can blame it on someone else.;/

And there are moments in the wake of devastating events, we do need others to provide that next step...I hurt so much I can't see, just tell me where to put my foot.

Only you know where you are in that continuum.

There is no one way to do this. I work everyday with families in the midst of a life-changing event and in the 30+ years I've been doing this, I've never seen it done the same way twice. Yes, there are universalities but everyone does it just a bit differently. It's my job to provide safe boundaries, not to tell them how to do it. Do they struggle? Sometimes mightily! But new neural pathways are formed and each thing they learn through the trial and error of the process provides them with a wisdom which they will carry with them always. They've also gained confidence to be able to solve the next problem (and there's always a 'next problem').

2, what you do next is your decision.

Stop working so hard at getting there.

The sky is not falling.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2239737 - 04/21/12 09:22 PM Re: Time to take out the trash [Re: labug]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
2TP... I know it's hard, but take life as it comes, on its own terms. I feel for you bud, I know what it's like. Sort of feel stuck or like it's Groundhog Day (the movie, not the day). But LA is right... there always repecussions, good and bad, for things we do.

Take the time... it's the one thing you have plenty of. The last few days (as my W has gotten refocused on the D again) I've felt that creeping panic setting back in. Feel like I'm racing against the shot clock but can't see how much time is left. It's like I'm back six months ago.

But deep breaths and long pauses... there's lots of time. More than we realize. This was all going to be done and sewn up in... well, for me at least we're now going on seven months since "she is going to file".

Time is our greatest ally. Don't short it... just roll with it.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2239835 - 04/22/12 08:08 AM Re: Time to take out the trash [Re: chatterbug]
Starsky309 Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 3838
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
2tp I was thinking more along the lines if she does it infront of you or the children. As I know your not in your home.


Yes, this is what I meant.
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2239836 - 04/22/12 08:13 AM Re: Time to take out the trash [Re: labug]
Starsky309 Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 3838
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: labug
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
It is a good boundary, to be sure. But it is unenforceable as long as I am not living at the house.


Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

She could also come right back with a boundary for you.




Certainly. And if she's serious about it, and if I believe she would enforce whatever the stated consequences were, then I'd have a choice to make as to whether or not I could abide her boundary, or if I'd rather choose to live with her consequences. That's how it works.

This should have absolutely ZERO to do with what 2tP decides to do with THIS particular boundary.
Boundaries shouldn't be laundry lists of tit-for-tat "rules" that one uses to try to control other people's behavior. They should be one's very SHORT list of core value "dealbreakers" -- what I call your "Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Nothing should deter you from learning to lovingly lay them, and then strongly and consistency enforce them, in your life.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2239838 - 04/22/12 08:18 AM Re: Time to take out the trash [Re: labug]
Starsky309 Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 3838
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: labug
[quote=2thepoint]

Boundaries are to protect you, not to punish another, a good rubric to use when setting a boundary.


Exactly -- AGREE -- and looked at another way, with the example of the "no phone calls or texts to OM in front of me," I would say that this is either a REAL core boundary with 2tP (it really DOES violate his own integrity about who he is,a nd really IS a dealbreaker with him to allow himself to be treated that way) . . .

or it's not.

If it really doesn't bother him, then he should say nothing (altho he should still know that his wife is almost certainly losing respect for him in allowing it, and since women very closely tie their feelings of respect for a man with their ability to LOVE a man, she's therefore losing LOVE for him).

It's like secondhand smoke, or a racist joke. If it really does bother you, you should lovingly but firmly say "not around me," and mean it. If it doesn't, then you'd merely be trying to control the other person's behavior to make an ultimatum about it.

Make sense??


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2239848 - 04/22/12 09:14 AM Re: Time to take out the trash [Re: Starsky309]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1600
Good example Starsky. I know I have never set boundaries with anyone. That is why its taken me so long to slowly begin to set boundaries with my H.
_________________________
----
M 37
H 34
D3,D2
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Served 5/2/12


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#2239853 - 04/22/12 09:49 AM Re: Time to take out the trash [Re: Starsky309]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7820
Loc: Sonoran Desert
This should have absolutely ZERO to do with what 2tP decides to do with THIS particular boundary.

Speaking in generalities, I think this is a correct statement.

In this specific instance, I think 2 can make a request but I'm not sure he can set an enforceable boundary, even tho she might be trampling a core value. A boundary has several parts: I feel _______when you_________. If you continue I will________

2, how would you complete the sentence? W when you talk on the phone to OM in my presence I feel _______________if you continue to talk on the phone with OM in my presence, I will______________.

And 2, before doing anything, I would be certain that she is talking to OM in your presence. That could certainly blow up in your face.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2239868 - 04/22/12 11:01 AM Re: Time to take out the trash [Re: labug]
Starsky309 Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 3838
Loc: Florida
I'll let 2tP respond, and it's certainly HIS boundary to learn how to lay out and enforce. But to me, the only difference between a "boundary" and a "request" is the seriousness with which I communicate it and the prior consistency of my enforcement of previous boundaries.

I believe in the truism "We teach people how to treat us."


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2239878 - 04/22/12 12:13 PM Re: Time to take out the trash [Re: Starsky309]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Originally Posted By: Starsky309


I believe in the truism "We teach people how to treat us."


Starsky


Very true Starsky.

Very true.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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#2239889 - 04/22/12 01:48 PM Re: Time to take out the trash [Re: chatterbug]
Starsky309 Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 3838
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
Originally Posted By: Starsky309


I believe in the truism "We teach people how to treat us."


Starsky


Very true Starsky.

Very true.



Well, sure -- that's why they call it a "truism." grin
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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