Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
Today has not been a great day for SIW, morning was decent with W, but S10 has been increasingly acting up since we went to FA. W leaves at 6:45 and I am alone with them til school at 8:25. He was acting up so much today that I locked myself in my room and texted W saying that S10 is having one of those days.

She called and talked a bit. I do have a hard time not telling her how I am feeling. She told me it was ok and that S10 has been on a tear lately.

I really am fighting the urge to snoop on my W again. This being in limbo messes with my mind which then in turn makes me anxious and more nosy. W has told me she is confused and does not know what she is doing so what good would snooping do?

Regarding the finances I did tell her that I looked at the bills and believed that what we had to pay was much less than what she wanted. She then provided a list and gave me access to her account so that I could verify that the referenced bills were being paid. I don't think this a d*ck move on my part and would fully expect that if the shoe was on the other foot she would want the same.


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
Well just when I thought it could not get any worse. W and I were supposed to go to the company dinner tonight, but then decided to take her sister. Told her it was not a big idea, but she could tell I was upset.

Which then turnes into WWIII. Told her that since we have come back from FA she has been cold and distant. W then told me that one of us has to move, that she no longer likes coming home and now I am home too much.

I said that since she was the one unhappy she should leave. I was then called a selfish blah blah blah. She doesn't love me and that won't change.

She then went to Kick Boxing and decided that I would leave for the weekend. Sent a text that I would be staying at my brother's house. I then went to look at a bunch of places, but did not sign any lease.

We then proceed to text back and forth and tells me that she wants sometime to think about stuff.

This week I am staying at my Grandmas and will take kids to school and then pick them up after work. I will then leave before they go to bed.

Since my 180's were about the kids I do not want them to be upset right now. I will do my best to keep things with them constant and steady.

With my W I will see her and keep the contact to a minimum.

I am not sure what else to do at this point.


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
So, what would have done differently if you could do it over again?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
Well I would have been numb to the changing of her mind.

Left the house when it got nasty.

Continue with the 180's.


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,975
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,975
Sad.

I've been reading along. Your W is a little hard to figure out. She's truly hot and cold... Great just before and during you vaca, talking about future vaca's, yet still saw L, and acts like this upon return.

I know you were considerably less involved w/the kids before, but I'm exhausted reading all that you do for them, the house, finances, etc... While W sits on her duff and reads... From what you explained, this doesn't sound like a man getting more involve, it sounds like an entitled woman getting her man to do it all.

It sure feels like she's losing respect...

I cant remember if you have any other red flags for infidelity...


Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
Mindfull,

Hot and cold is right. Although one never knows we are still having sex and she never waivers from her schedule. A big obstacle I have right now is discussing R/M with the W. We are discussing the possibility of a MC. I told her I think it might help to facilitate communication, but she has not said either way other than that she wants to think about it. Thanks for reading about my sitch.

SIW


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
Sad

Just read your sitch for the last month and it is similar to mine.

My W wants to separate, but for me to move out. This is the only logical way it could happen given our jobs, house, two sons etc.

Nov 11, I was given 9 weeks to look for a place (I agreed to it as the previous few months she had made my life miserable being cold,distant and uncommunicative and not letting me touch her) then I found DB/DR and started 180s and GAL etc and after 9 weeks she admitted that things were confusing for her - I had made things harder by my 180s...another month went by and things were ok but then she suddenly went cold,distant, uncommunicative etc. The trigger was her reading a sample of a book on my kindle (not DB/DR), downloading it on her kindle and assuming that everything I was doing was to stop the separation/divorce. The book has a provocative title along the lines of Stop Your Divorce, BUT she actually downloaded a different one to the one I was reading!!

Anyway, she started to arrange visits to her parents without me and other nights out with mutual friends without me and this triggered a R talk which ended with me agreeing to move out. I thought it would be good to get time and space apart but I didnt want a 6 month let ( the minimum in UK) so I engineered 4 weeks apart. I thought by separating it would be a big 180! - wrong.

I work away a lot so I have filled my diary with work away from home and come home at the weekends and stay in a holiday cottage 10 miles from home).

Instantly she changed and things between us became a lot better in the 7 days before I left, Easter weekend was good and she even groomed me in the last two days before I left - eyebrows and hair - weird to say the least!

I am two weeks into separation and regret moving out. It feels like she is easing me down the road and is happy about it. She stopped wearing her wedding rings (tho I dont know exactly when but it was before i moved out). For the first time she has told her girlfriends about the separation.

I have tried to LRT but because I work away so much, I dont think minimal contact has much effect on her. I never ring her at work as she is so busy, the same with email - says she is too busy. One good thing is that she hasn't mentioned what will happen in 12 days time when I move back in. But I fully expect her to say that she was happy with the temporary separation and wants to make it longer term - we shall see.

NB We rarely have R talks (3 in 5 months)there is no intimacy between us (I am not allowed to even hold her hand), she will not go on a date with me (except to the movies), and she has NEVER stated or implied that she is interested in working on our marriage.

In your sitch you dont mention the things that she 'complained' about before the bomb. Try to make a list of even the innocous ones that you thought she was wrong about - see if you are addressing them (is she letting you address them?).

Also set some goals and put them on here for the vets to read through.

Ill keep in touch, Best of luck


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
~
Member
Offline
Member
~
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
Maybe my interpretation of LRT is skewed... it seems to me that a lot of people think that LRT is another way to work on an M as a DB method...

From the context of the LBS, I feel LRT is a conversion of an M relationship to an acquaintance relationship... if I read the chapter in DR and read the 37 rules... that's how it sounds to me...

If one can stay in the same house, the R in LRT should be as a room mate... we don't actively pursue a room mate and generally understand that they have a life and we have a life and just don't be noisy when you bring a date back to the pad...

If we are in LRT, it's quite likely because the WAS really sees us at best as a room mate...

The only real concern that I've seen posted regarding moving out is the legal ramifications... get that looked into...

otherwise, find another room mate if you can't live with the one you have... for what ever reason...

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
For his week I will be staying ith my Grandma at night, but continue doing all the same things I am doing now for the kids. I have no intention of moving I.e. signing lease etc at this time. This is far from ideal but is cost efficient and in the event we are able to work things out will not hurt us financially.

W thinks that if I am away for a bit she will have time to think without me breathing down her neck. While I may not be too keen on this idea I will try doing this or a week or two. She is not demanding any type of restrictions of being at the house and I can come and go as I please.

W suggested that it would be good to go out on a date and try starting over. That is what I want so we will see how this week goes.


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
Remember on the date it should be small talk, happy talk, no R talk.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard