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#2239565 - 04/20/12 06:43 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: Rick1963]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
I sure I am needy right now. Almost every blog I read is someone needy when we get to this point. I am trying to help myself. I guess that is one of the reasons that I am here. To get help from people in similar situations.

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#2239576 - 04/20/12 07:29 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2504
Loc: Piney Land
I'm glad you are here it is a great place. Keep posting things tend to improve with time.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2239610 - 04/21/12 01:22 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: Rick1963]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
Looked at god damn facebook and saw that she is in a relationship now and that she feels alive for the first time in years. Pisses me off and breaks my heart at the same time. Makes me want to go out a screw some hoe and then post that [censored]. Yeah, I am a little mad. But it helps to write it out. So, thanks for letting me write this.

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#2239615 - 04/21/12 04:23 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10310
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: par4me
hydrocodon, soma and pretty much any prescription drug that she can. You are right. She is not thinking clearly. She does this all the time. She goes awhile being good and then she falls off the wagon and does the strangest things like got married to a guy she just met, wreaked 5 cars and gets arrested.


Wow Par4...
I have not finished reading your thread but I will. You sure have a lot going on.

Before I go on, there are things we need to know in order to better advise you.

First off how long have you been married?

is this your first marriage? Hers?

Do you Any kids and if yes, whose children are they? How old are they? Where are they?

What do you want?


I mean, of course we know you want all to be well and fine
but more immediately, how can we best help you?

If you want us to question your course of action, double check motivations, and make sure you are on track, that's fine.

If you simply want us to validate leaving her, that's much harder b/c this is a pro-marriage site

and we would urge you to leave no stone unturned before you end your marriage. Do you feel that you have left no stone unturned already?

I ask mainly b/c I don't see you having done the Div Busting approach yet -so I can assure you that there IS a stone that you have not turned over.

Also, Do you believe addiction is a disease, or a character flaw?

If it's a disease, even if only partly, then where do your marriage vows "in sickness and in health" fit in?

And finally, have you READ the book(s) that form the basis for our approach here? It's crucial you do that. You'll get way more out of this site AND the book contains great specific advice for various situations including substance abuse.

it's not a "re-hash the past" or "re-live the traumas of it all" approach; it is a solution based approach to relationship problems.

While that sounds simple and in some ways it is, it's radically different from most approaches.


W/a Solution based focus - we hone in only on what

YOU CAN DO to help the marriage,

and what NOT to do that hurts the marriage....

Are you up for that?
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2239616 - 04/21/12 04:32 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10310
Loc: west coast
PS

a few more questions/requests....

Could you break up your posts into smaller paragraphs? It's just easier for me to read b/c otherwise it's a long narrative and it gets easy to lose my place.
Also can you tell us how long you've been at this? When did what happen?

Like when was the first time you separated, or heard her say whatever it was that made you know there was a crisis IN the marriage.

In your opinion, if she were to enter a recovery program and it worked, what else would YOU think needed improvement in the marriage?

What would SHE SAY that YOU need to work on? Is any of that true?

And, what are YOU doing to show her that marriage to you could better/different than before?

(B/c if she does not believe it can improve, she won't bother trying to make it work. Do you get that?)


Also, when you "reconciled" after her OD,

did you try counselling or rehab or treatment or marriage counselling to improve the marriage?
And then what happened?

Thanks...and btw, we attended Retrovaille a few years back and the couples that guided us as "mentors" were very impressive. Their problems were huge and truly, they'd show you that it's rare that a marriage cannot be helped.

Please read the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy (sequel) book asap.


This CAN succeed.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2239618 - 04/21/12 05:48 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10310
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: par4me
I don't even know if I should be on this site. I need help but I need to heal and recover. I don't need to get back with my X.


Par4

You might be right about needing to heal before anything else AND maybe not getting back with your w...

This site has a forum for "Surviving Divorce" and it's about life after divorce, but still being happy. The Newcomer's forum is nice when you are reeling at the beginning of it all, but you've been in this situation awhile. There are chapters in Div Busting/Div Remedy books about substance abuse.

A re-read of the books would NOT hurt you or keep you stuck in this pattern of being a yo-yo,

b/c there are situations in which MWD says it's best to cut your losses.

So yes this IS a good site for you b/c there are several forums or subjects, that your situation would fit into.



11 years of hell. She would go on a drug binge about every 6 months and wreak mine and her lives. CPS has even been to our house and taken her kid away from her and gave me custody for 90 days and the child is not even mine.

Why did they do that? What precipitated that? And Where is this child now and how old is she? What is your r with the child like?



They made her leave and go to her parents.(that was years ago) Now her parents say that she can't live with them. But my marriage or common law marriage is not worth saving and should not be. I need to get away from her before I really destruct.


Are you in therapy or counselling for YOU?

have you ever attended a workshop or a retreat for a few days of personal growth?

the reason my h and I prefer them (even though we believe in counselling too) is b/c they seem to be more "efficient" for us and we get more done in a few days that would take years of weekly sessions to achieve.

Why?

b/c when you get into counselling, even with a good c, it's hard to make breakthroughs or gain a great insight, in an hour long session and then

stop it b/c your time is up, and go leave to pick up the kids or go to work or whatever-and it just INTERRUPTS the progress and process...

only to hope that the next session, you can pick up where you left off.

That's why you'd gain a lot by working a few days in a row on your happiness.

You can focus on YOU and YOUR LIFE, gain some clarity about your choices, design an action plan for how you want your life to go

and get some TOOLS for making your life better, and Not repeating mistakes of the past. In some ways a big part of your challenge is learning to cope with the temptation of being with her. She is bad for you but you go back and she tempts you and you KNOW she's toxic for you and that it will NOT lead to happiness or healthy relationship

yet you jump right in again, and again...for a decade of this...

yes Par4, you are addicted. With her addiction, she'll be told at NA meetings that addiction can only lead to one of 3 places,

Jail, a psychiatric hospital or the morgue...

and since you've been suicidal at times surrounding her or this relationship you have with her, and you've acted in dangerous ways

how different is YOUR prognosis if you keep going on like this?

how many women could have been in your life, that might have gotten to know & loved you as you are?

How much intimacy have you NOT developed w/a healthy woman? How much have you missed b/c you spent all your energy on a toxic r,

Or in pain b/c of the situation?

How many children would you have liked to have or raise but instead, have to argue with CPS about where your step daughter's mother is?

I'd say this addiction has cost you a fortune in many ways...b/c of money, cars, property damage, and

You are addicted to someone toxic for you, just as she is addicted to opiates and whatever else she takes. Unlike her, you don't sound as if you have given yourself a try at "rehab" though.

I mean, SHE has gotten treatment and then relapsed, however many times.


My question is, what have YOU done to learn to deal with her and all this insanity?

What have YOU done to change YOUR life?


You can only change YOU and you have to start now, or you'll find yourself here over and over.

You CAN change your life. People DO change. My father in law was a raging alcoholic and lost his first 3 wives to divorce b/c of his drinking/temper.

He hit bottom...then he met a wonderful widow who'd had a happy marriage for decades. She never had a troubled marriage. She was healthy and normal, you know? And she LOVES my fil.

She "gets" him...she loves him w/a "fist in a velvet glove" meaning she does not tolerate his poop, so there's NO getting drunk or being controlling to her

but she gives him the love/affection and support HE so craves/needs. And he was 62 when they married (18 years ago now) and I am happy to say he's the best man he's ever been...so YES people can change.

You can too.

Will your wife? Well probably not b/c why should she? Losing her child was not sufficient cause for her to get clean...

And so far there's always a man willing to fund her addiction, in exchange for her being dependent on them and affectionate to them...

Kaffe Diem used the phrase "whoring out" but I hate that word so much I rarely use it.

But I don't know another word to use for a woman who sleeps around for money/pills, or more than one man, for money or drugs, other than a prostitute...

but you know, prostitution is more honest than what she's doing, really. There's no pretense about being "in love" b/c you want sex or drugs or money.

If you were a woman in an abusive relationship, I'd tell you to get some professional help like from a battered woman's shelter.

So I will say You do need that type of help, b/c you have been at this craziness for a decade now? It's NOT healthy at all for you (or her).

Have you attended any Narcotics Anon meetings? I suggest you attend a few, or Al Anon...b/c you'll see how little control you have over her

(as in NO control)

and you can learn to stay focussed on YOU, which is all you can control.


In 2010 you admitted you have a hard time being happy, in general. And you admit to suffering from depression, & suicidal ideas in the past.

So yes, Par4, YOU need help.


(It's NOT all about her getting clean and then poof, all problems solved...)

Forget about helping her for now (or maybe forever. She's NOT your responsibility).

It's like you are on a plane that is having major engine trouble and you are losing oxygen...

so put the oxygen mask on YOUR FACE and take care of yourself before you worry about her or the r or anything else,

but healing yourself.

Here is an exercise for you to try For 2 MINUTES...



Can you envision life in 5 years, without her but with you being happy?

So What would that look like? Put some details in it. Where would you live? What would you be doing with your time? Your primary job would be what?

Would you be playing or coaching golf? Or is there a different career you'd explore? Would you travel more? See more theater or more sports? Or both? Take dance lessons? Learn to play an instrument?

(I highly recommend travelling to new stimulating places with no memories of her or reminders of the past)

or would you take classes? Anything from cooking classes, to getting another degree, or would you learn another language or start a new hobby or what? Think about the GAL you used to want to do...

(What was your Master's in anyhow?)

SO now you have imagined this happy life of yours,

a few years from now and in this scenario you are without her, but you are happy...

So You see it...

and now tell us which of those things that you envisioned in your happy life without her,

can you create for your life TODAY?
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2239685 - 04/21/12 04:15 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: 25yearsmlc]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10310
Loc: west coast
PS

Par4 what is the underlying reason for your wife to be prescribed medication?

I mean, was she injured in an accident? You said she spends or needs to spend $500 a month on medication.

Do you mean for illegal drugs or for her prescriptions? IF it's the latter, what is her diagnosis?

Does she have actual pain? If so, there are treatments available that do not always include opiates.

For example if she has a spinal injury there are now spinal cord stimulators available that can help greatly with the pain and does not include opiate/narcotic pain killers.

I know this b/c I had a back injury and after struggling w/pain from it for years, I finally had a relatively non-invasive procedure that helped a great deal and lessened my need for medication.

It's easy to say "get off the meds" but if she's a pain patient, then it's sort of counter productive (and maybe unfair) to not treat the underlying cause of pain.

But if this is all a ruse for her just to get drugs, then forget what I just wrote.

Still, I thought it was important to ask...

So, if you are reading the Divorce Remedy book again, as I hope, then can you tell us what your GAL activities are?

Focus on that and YOU...
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2239686 - 04/21/12 04:17 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10310
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: par4me
Looked at god damn facebook and saw that she is in a relationship now and that she feels alive for the first time in years. Pisses me off and breaks my heart at the same time. Makes me want to go out a screw some hoe and then post that [censored]. Yeah, I am a little mad. But it helps to write it out. So, thanks for letting me write this.


you know better than to look at facebook...you KNOW This. So why would you do that to yourself?

Why repeat what hurts?

Block her page. This is NOT complicated. You have to just do it!

it's called Self Preservation, 101...
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2239736 - 04/21/12 09:17 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: 25yearsmlc]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
That is some excellent stuff. I am going to print and read it when I am down. I can't answer all your questions right now. XW and I have both been married before. This is the longest for both and it has been on and off again for a long time. I really don't know if we are even married. We file income tax together and I have her on my insurance as a married person. The only way to get her off the insurance is to get a divorce. I am not keeping her on when she is seeing another guy.

We got married and divorced in 2005 after 2 and half years or marriage. We got back together right after the divorce and have dated or lived together ever since. When I say or lived together, we had arguements and she went to her parents to live for awhile but we always got back together.

In 2005 I discovered this site and bought the book and DBed. It worked and we got back together. She just will not quit her pills and will not work. She has to be taken care of.

We both had cancer before we met at about the same time. She got addicted to pain killers then and hid it from me for a long time. She has to take meds for tyroid and addison's disease. She doesn't even try to hide it from me now. It is except it or be done with me. That is why I broke it off in Feb. She begged me back.

I went down to see her and had sex. We planned on working it out and I was suppose to get her for the weekend (last weekend) but we had a fight (she didn't like an email that I sent that I told her that I didn't feel like I could trust her and that she had acted like a whore sometimes. She said she could not believe that is what I thought about her.I didn't go get her. She met a guy or may have already know him.

They spent the weekend together. Her parents kicked her out of their house for not coming home and she move in with this guy. Called me Sunday and said she met someone. I haven't heard from her since. I know that she will not work and feel like she will just be with anyone that will take care of her. It is sickening to me. I don't know why I am jealous or even care what she is doing.

M-42
XW-41
XWBF-35
StepD-11
Together-11 years except when we broke up and she married a guy she just met 5 days earlier for 17 days (unnulled)

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#2239745 - 04/21/12 09:39 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
Dispite all the bad things that I have said, and they are true, she was my best friend, lover and the person that I told my deepest thoughts to. I have lots of friends but no one that I am really close to. I gave that all to her because that is what I thought a spouse was for.

I dangled the marriage thing over her head. She wanted to get married badly and begged me all the time. Security she said. I didn't want to if she was not going to work and not quit the pills. She wasn't going to.

And I am convienced that she does not plan to do either one of those ever. So that is why I must leave, heal, detach and otherwise get over this relationship. Can't be thinking about it 10 hours a day. It is hard to GAL when it is on your mind and you are constantly fighting with your thoughts to push them out.

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