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#2239744 - 04/21/12 09:38 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Eh... crappy day emotionally... W worked a night shift last night. So this morning I had to get up early for some GAL on the other side of the state. As I'm heading across the state I get am email from her about how she's printing off the divorce paperwork and has a couple questions. How she wants us to find a date in a few weeks to do the signing so she can file. Bleh. Brings up a crapstorm of emotions and pain. Ended up crying. Thankfully I had a two hour drive to get it out of my system.

I guess the upside is that it didn't really rain on my GAL. I was able to put it out of my head for the most part.

It's just the immediacy of it I guess. On the upside the words of 25 and others kept running through my head... it' just a step in the process... it's never too late until they say "I do" to someone else... and my own words to others... it's just a piece of paper, just a legal confirmation of the emotional state of things... It's just filing, not the actual decree yet.

But it still suxx.

And tomorrow I have to spend the mid-morning with her at SD's birthday party. Guess I'll have to act "as if".
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2239746 - 04/21/12 09:42 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7830
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Those crazy emotions can creep up on us, can't they.

I think I haven't cried in about 2 weeks, a new record fro me since last March.

Have fun tomorrow.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2240058 - 04/23/12 11:34 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: labug]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
SD's rollerskating party went better than I had thought it would. Just kept the "as-if" mentality in force throughout the day.

A humorous moment came when S was first trying to skate. He's never rollerskated before and he's only six. So he was struggling and freaking out. First I tried to help him, then my W tried. He finally agreed to skate around as long as W held his hand and I held his other hand. So there were the three of us going around the rink looking like the prototypical family. Go figure. When S first said he wanted us to both hold his hands I could tell it frustrated my W. After a few times around S went of to play on the indoor playground. However, a little while later he wanted to try again. This time W didn't fret as we went around.

S rode with me so as we got done I asked W what her plans were. She was going to go home and nap after SD's friends were picked up, and have S and SD (SS was with grandpa) watch TV or movies while she napped. So I asked if I could take S and SD since W would be sleeping anyway (W worked until 8am that morning). She said that was fine so we all headed back to my place. S and SD helped me plant most of the vegetable garden.

A while later SS texts me and asks where everyone is at. Grandpa brought him back early so I said mom was sleeping. He asked if he could come over so he did. He wanted to mow the yard since I pay him $10 for it smile So my FIL brought SS over and then he stayed and visited with S and SD for a while. He and I caught up and talked about guy stuff. No mention of anything... those convos are sort of surreal.

Evening ended with W asking if she could park at my place so she could walk to her bellydancing. She wanted to park at my place since she needed to get the kids afterward anyway. SD went with her to dance and then about 30 minutes later SD texts me and asks if I'd come get her.

Funny moment happened when W came to my place after dance to pick up the kids... she comes in and asks in a panicked voice, "did the kids get fed?" Umm... yes, it's 7pm, I wouldn't starve them. W had made a crockpot meal but forgot about it and about feeding the kids. Which was fine, they were with me.

So I got a bunch of time I hadn't planned on having with all three kids so that makes a good day. SD had fun. Her friends thought I was funny. I overheard one of her friends telling her that she wished her dad would come to her birthday parties at her mom's.

I still struggle with feeling like I'm enabling my W too much. Like taking the kids while she napped makes it easier on her. And it does. But I have to take time as I can get it so I battle with myself.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2240060 - 04/23/12 11:45 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: workinghardguy
I still struggle with feeling like I'm enabling my W too much. Like taking the kids while she napped makes it easier on her. And it does. But I have to take time as I can get it so I battle with myself.


I don't consider this enabling and I wouldn't care if anyone else considered it such. I want to spend as much time w/ my kids as possible and I know you do as well. Sounds like they miss you and feel the same way. Those moments are fantastic and are to be cherished.


My w is initating L talk and separation agremeements/divorce and as you said is just a step in the process but it def sux!!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2240104 - 04/23/12 01:44 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: sayitaintso]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
What I struggle with is "do what works". Nothing seems to really work. When W and I don't have contact for an extended period, say a week or five days, she "finds" a reason to contact me/come over. When I spend time with the kids, take them somewhere, enrich their lives somehow she's warm and chatty.

But she's like that most of the time if I don't do that as well.

About the only time things go south is when she wants something and I won't do it/give it/acquiesce. But even that passes fairly quickly.

So since nothing seems to make a significant difference I'm choosing to maximize time I can with my S and with SS and SD.

Our contact remains limited to the kids. I don't text her, email her, call her, or drop by if I'm having a bad day, have a problem, or whatnot. I don't share my successes/victories or my problems with her. Conversely she likes to share her problems with me whenever she can but I try to keep that short and limited.

For example, yesterday I was sitting at a table at the rink. Suddenly she's sitting across from me. We start discussing feeding the kids and what time we need to leave. Then she asks how my job is going. So I tell her. As it happens I'm working on a project with her employer (a large government agency). She then rolls into problems and challenges at her job. I listen for a minute or two and then excuse myself to go skate.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

Top
#2240110 - 04/23/12 01:58 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Originally Posted By: workinghardguy
What I struggle with is "do what works". Nothing seems to really work.


Define what "what works" means to you...

For some... "what works" might be that they are growing, regardless of what is happening to the M...

For others... "what works" might be that their spouse is showing signs of moving towards them...

And even for some... "what works" is that they emotionally detach from their spouse, file D, and get on with their lives...

What were your goals?

What have you done to achieve those goals?

How can you determine that nothing seems to be working, in relation to achieving your goals?

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#2240134 - 04/23/12 02:56 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: ~ kd ~]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Good point KD... I would say I have goals in all of those areas. Growing, detaching, and signs my W may want to move towards me.

In this case I'm only specifically referring to the last category. I'm actually pretty happy with progress in the other two areas. My GAL is increased, though there is still more to do. However, what I ultimately want out of GAL, more long-term friendships (and specifically male ones) take time. True relationship building takes time no matter what, so patience is a key. But I am happier with that facet of my life while acknowledging there is room to grow still.

Detaching... this last week I haven't done as well for some reason but overall I've felt much more at peace. She will do what she does, but I don't have to ride her rollercoaster. I think because my S has shown more dissatisfaction with the state of things in the past week that it's eating at me. But I feel much better than I ever used to. W still throws the occassional guilt trip comment or little barb into a comment. It might be about money, time, how tired she is, how hard this is, her stress, etc... in the past I would've fretted and worried. Heck, I can hear it in my mother (where I learned this from). She'll go on these rambling monologues about why is my W doing this, isn't it hard, what is she thinking. My response... I don't know and can't begin to so why spend the time.

It's the third category... the movement that frustrates me. But I have to remember that this is still new. It's just past 60 days since she moved out. That's really nothing in the scope of things. But it's frustrating too. I struggle with the reality that she may never come back. That thought used to incapacitate me. Now it just makes me profoundly sad. I suspect in due course it will just make me sad and then that too will lessen.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

Top
#2240145 - 04/23/12 03:23 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Due to the fact that the two of you are not living together... seeing "movement" may be difficult... if bordering impossible...

You may need to change your gauge for those measurements. Rather than having the opportunity to see my W hug or kiss me... or not... or go out without me... or with me... or make supper for everyone... else... and not me... I don't have those gauges...

What I can tell is: she's not yelling at me, she's not blamed me about anything for a long time, she got mad at me because I didn't go to a sporting event because I knew she would be there with her "private" friends... real, real, real peripheral stuff... but it's there... change where you are looking to gauge...

I'm done in my stich... in my M... but I can tell you this...

Our R is not getting any worse, any more... at least it doesn't appear to be... but she's not moving toward me... but I'm not concerned about that... but I would notice if she was...

so yes... patience means something different in a way... when separated... time... time... time... time... and more time... until you are done... or until you wake up on the other side of the grass... or... who knows what the future hold...

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#2240158 - 04/23/12 03:49 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: ~ kd ~]
OneLessWife Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 131
WHG, I want to chime in on this topic, I dont want to hijack your thread by no means. I am already D and have been for about six months. Its funny because I to do not tell my ex anything about my life now. I quit doing this a while back, and wouldnt you know the other day she calls me and tells me her life is miserable, all she does is drive to work and work, I did not say anything which even made her more frustrated. She is the one who choose to move and hour away so I guess she will figure it out. I often wonder why the WAS will call the LBS to tell them there problems. About a week ago she called and told me the battery in her car was bad, I asked her why she was calling me and she said because her boyfriend did not know as much as me about stuff. I almost busted a gut. But I did give her advice because she have to transports my girls and I want the car to be working properly. So the big question in my mind is WHY, WHY, WHY do they call us. It is there choice and decision they make. I to had a problem about enabling her, but with kids I think its a thin line, I always as you do want to be there for my girls, so I can feel for you WHG. Keep on Trucking it does get better....Scott
_________________________
M 51
W 53
T 25
M 23
D22,D20,D18,D16,D13
Bomb dropped May/10
Moved out July/10
OM discovered July/10
W let's OM move in 02/11
I filed for the big D on 072111
Divorce Final October 20,2011

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#2240566 - 04/24/12 11:18 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: OneLessWife]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
You're right KD... I'm still used to when we lived together and being able to have that immediate feedback. I need to take stock in where things are at versus where they were. Heck, I remember back in October when she wouldn't talk to me. That we would be divorced by December... then January... then February at the latest. Now it will be August at the earliest and who really knows.

That we can talk and get along where once we couldn't. She invited me to Easter; though I didn't take the offer. She initiated going out to lunch last week when we were shopping for SD's presents... and she didn't have to. We got done at 10:30, which makes for an early lunch.

Just left her place for the night. Had the kids tonight. We went to the local drive-in and took a walk. Got homework done at my place and then got them to bed at her place. She showed up and I updated her on some kid things and left. Won't see SD or SS until next Monday, nor her. I leave Thursday for a GAL trip to Alabama for four days. I'll miss S a bunch and still conflicted that this chance came up during my weekend with him, but it is what it is.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

Top
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