This is a great time to read, read, read, read. Great books are Not Just Friends, The Five Love Languages, The Language of Letting Go, Unconditional Forgiveness, He Said She Said, etc. Read and absorb it. Talk about it with your friends, here and around you.
I worked on me. Even though it seemed unfair. He was the meanie who left! The injustice! I felt the soul shredding embarrassment of being a cliche... clueless, traded in. It took time, lots of time and practice, learning. That's where having a good counselor comes in very handy. They are experts in helping folks work through the spaghetti of emotional conflict. If you broke a bone, would you set it yourself or see a professional... just saying.
When talking to my husband was hurtful and counterproductive, then it was on the phone. When that turned out to be horrendous, then it was email. That was when the 48 hour rule came in very handy. It's funny, even 3 years after the divorce, his manipulative antics can still get my heart rate up, my anxiety in full swing. Now I know to sit back, take a deep breath and walk away. I address him on my terms, calm and in control.
In divorce there's two types of parents. The ones who leave the spouse but want the family/kids and the ones who leave them all. Mine left to a 'complete' life with her. At first I was in agony over his treatment to our kids, seeing them twice a month for a one hour dinner. Now it's down to 4 to 6 times a year. They had to fight to meet their new brother which occurred when the baby was 11 months old.
One of the worst things I did was always breaking down when the kids and I were together during something significant.. like one of their birthdays or holidays and cry, apologizing for what was lost with the divorce, that inherent vow I made when they were born. Eventually I realized I was the one having the problem, not them. Talk about learning how to drain the pity party pronto!
Re-reading some of these words of wisdom, something came to me that I forgot to share.
When you are in the middle of all of this chaos, you might not be ready to hear what you are bing told and that is ok. There will come a time when you have learned or experienced enough that what you have been hearing all along begins to ring true and make sense. This happened to me with yet another book I ordered to try to help me save my marriage. I just couldn't absorb another word. Nothing was helping, or so I thought and I just needed a break.
A month or so later, I picked up the same book and was thrilled with the many gems of wisdom it offered. It didn't save my marriage but helped me start to see and hear what I needed.
Give yourself time.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
as a sometimes moderator * I have NEVER been told/asked to promote a darn thing, in fact, quite the opposite, I've been asked to be helpful to newcomers. As my family would say, 'bingo bob'--which means, that's it. If I recommend a coach/coaches, it's because I have inside knowledge to the cost/benefit ratio. I KNOW their qualifications and the cost, and the cost of other counseling. I KNOW the quality of advice on the board--since 1/2001.
* I have been successful despite myself. A good deal of you are far BETTER DBers than me. I UNDERSTAND the principles ... DOING them... in the early years was sooooooooooo tough for me. But it came full circle. And I have been in an incredibly loving, successful relationship for a few years now.
The 'DB techniques' that worked for me:
* The Last Resort Technique that's because when I screw up, I screw up so big I get to this level. But, I learned to back off. I am the WORST...It took me forever to learn to back off. Michele said 'don't give yourself an out....'
* Vary the What/Where/When/Who this is major for us, our arguments are predictable...and therefore avoidable
And also '...don't think he will do a complete overhaul for you just because he loves you...'
Those things were major to me. I 'got it' immediately when she said it. IMPLEMENTING IT took so much longer because .... I don't know why, it just did. Some folks are able to implement quickly.
* I was asked to be a moderator because: I UNDERSTAND; I CARE; I'M LOYAL
* LOYAL/AKA DB SAVED ME....AKA MICHELE/DB SAVED 'ME'/MY LIFE
--I was divorced w/2 small children and came to DB 2 relationships later --I had read a lot of relationship books, met with counselors, etc. I was a hot mess in this relationship that had ended...and I didn't see how I could go on living, but didn't want my kids to deal with the consequences... --DB is logical/CLEAR with ACTION ITEMS / measurables (and I was so not an action item measurable person then, but everything seemed foggy. This REALLY helped. --MICHELE IS NO-NONSENSE --my posters cared, and gave me great advice --my FIRST POSTER and most loyal: AUSTRALIAN/MICK no longer around --my other great VETS from a LONG time ago: JAMESJOHN, KentS (I took Keeping Love Alive seminar due to his experience. I went with wintergirl), inmyplace, Phoenix (aka Fee), gbon.
* My favorite DB RESOURCES...in this order:
--Keeping Love Alive (hands down,Seminar and audio) --Getting Through to the Man You Love --Divorce Remedy (Divorce Busting, upgraded) --The Marriage Breakthrough
--Divorce Busting (my first)
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I love these boards. They have saved me for sure. Thank you all.
Kat comments above regarding rereading stuff you read before makes so much sense. I just read through my 1st thread and I didnt even realize how many great and insightful comments were posted to me. I was in such a panic at that time, nothing was registering. Now I have a lot of food for thought.
THANKS AGAIN!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Learning that you don't control ANY of this or your relationship with anyone.
Only how and who you choose to be in your life.
How is how you treat people. Without regard for how they may or may not treat you back. Just do it because it's who you are. Especially your spouse. Don't forget you love them.
I learned in the face of brutal reality that I could love someone that wasn't capable or willing to love me in the same way.
THAT was the most important thing. It was the answer.
I knew what I believed about my vows and commitment to another and for the longest time I couldn't reconcile it.
The best way I can say my success and my DB is to repeat what I have said to someone recently:
"What you have to understand is that there is no timeline. No guarantee. This is something they CAN get through but may never.
That is why it is important that you understand the brutal reality of what is happening. I promise you your time will not be wasted by letting this settle in and exploring really what it means to love someone. Look around you. I did. People seem to be having a much more easier go of it. But that is not you. That is not what this is.
It is not easy. And you were meant to be here. I don’t know why. I don’t have those answers. But you are here. And I know this:
How you choose to react to this, what you do and who you decide to be, for your children, for you, for your W and for your own being, from the depth of your soul…
This will define who you are.
Stop watching your W. She will appreciate it. She feels bad that she is hurting you and her children yet she is powerless to choose differently.
Let the anger go for what she is choosing right now. Let yourself righteousness go too. But for the grace of God…
Look at your life and your family. You have a choice. To make this the best it can ever be…it is in your hands.
Your W may choose to join you someday.
What you choose makes or breaks your life so choose from the very best part of yourself. It is a process to see where that place is. But it is does not lie in anger or resignation.
There is a test of fire. And you will want to give in. When is it over? You will know.
There are better destinations beyond the place you find yourself in today."
That pretty much sums it up for me. I did 180's which was losing my anger and seeing my W with compassion.
I GAL'd I learned to ride a horse and I strengthened healthy friendships. I was not unfaithful to my marriage.
Most importantly I detached. which brought the clarity of mind and spirit so I could make the best choice for me.
I conspired against policies of this website to meet my peers in Dbing and can say that it to this day it was one of the most amazing experiences I have had...
"Live little Friday" we called it and it was amazing to meet these people with whom I shared so much.
these people...are my friends and will be for a long time.
Finally I think the most important thing was defining success for myself without my W. Despite what her choices were.
That is the best gift I can give her as well. She didn't need that pressure... no one does.
To be responsible for the happiness of another?
Ok that is the short version.
The long is in the archives in MLC forum...
Starsky pass the cheese fries.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Well I don't know if I am a vet but I survived and came out the other side and am so much happier than I ever was, I think that would be my main achievement.
This was a huge learning curve for me and I wish it had been less traumatic but then I wouldn't have learnt the lessons I needed to.
My exh was in his 20s and went through a huge life crisis after nearly dying through a long serious illness that be still has. He had an affair, bought (bad!!) new clothes, new car, idiot new friends, new girl etc. We have been divorced a year and a half now and separated since 2007.
What I learnt
- that you can't help people that don't want your help. - rejection is heartbreaking but most of the time it is more about the other person than you. - take responsibility for yourself. Look at your contributions to your marriage and learn from your mistakes. Do not blame yourself and dwell too much, forgive yourself, learn and move on. - life is for living, enjoy yourself and be present because time is too precious to waste. You won't get your children's childhoods back ( or your late 20s in my case). - life may not be what you envisioned but it has a funny way of working out. - this will take time, allow yourself time to heal from the hurt and know (I promise) that things will get better. - lastly, and most importantly take opportunities as they come along. This is time for growth, use it wisely.
I thought divorce was the worst thing ever, I do still feel shame about it and it is a sore spot, however I have accepted it and embraced opportunities as they have come my way.
You will survive whether your marriage is saved or not, you will be stronger and most probably a better person for this hideous experience called separation.
I hope you post to some of the terrified newbies, And those reeling from their "new reality". Many are so stunned they feel paralyzed. Or they are mired deeply in their sorrow and for some, they don't see a way out. They need help.
I worry that my words about how they'll "thrive" after divorce, ring hollow b/c I didn't divorce. I got the result they think will lead them to their own happiness.
And like you said (or someone here), sometimes we're not ready to hear something yet. But not too long later, we hear it again & it hits us exactly where/when we need it most. Suddenly lights go off and we "get" it.
Having someone like YOU come here and tell them that you have been in their shoes AND you were in the storm, you weathered it, got to the other side, did not reconcile or "WIN" and YET, you are happy is such a Godsend.
Everyone needs to know that even when life throws them a curve ball that really hurts, they can heal, live, laugh and love again. Your story shows them that.
Thanks for sharing it!
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
