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#2239095 - 04/19/12 07:51 AM Re: Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb [Re: breakdownbill]
ouroboros Offline
Member

Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 41
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
The reason you can't find a rationale within yourself to trust your W, is because no matter what angle you look at it.. it's still broken.
I guess I was hoping that if she confessed to me on her own, it might restore some of my trust in her. But the more I think about it, I'm guessing that most of the second-guessing and mistrust I feel won't change if she tells me any details. There will need to be a time for that, but maybe not right now.

Quote:
I'm in the same boat - living with someone who has deceived me for a very long time, has confessed most of whatever she's done & has done very little if anything to regain my trust.

Until things change I won't trust my W and may never be able to trust her again (trust is earned and only YOU know if you trust someone- whoever they are).
I'm sorry to hear that, man--obviously I can relate. It's easy with these deep emotions for me to be terribly selfish here and not remember that plenty of other people are also grasping at straws of anguish.

Quote:
You are struggling with this & it's stopping you from moving forward at the moment.
It's a serious block for me. I'm doing my damnedest to let it go.

Quote:
Be honest with yourself & find out if this is a deal breaker for you & think about what you want from a relationship.
This is a really good point. If she was having an EA, it's not a deal breaker. If she had a 1-2 time PA, it's probably not a deal breaker. A longer PA I'd have to think about.

If there was more than one OM or if I find out she got pregnant last year from someone else, I don't think I could handle that one.

Quote:
If it's not a deal breaker, you've got to find a way to compartmentalize this issue & crack on with the rest of your 180's & self improvements.

Yeah, so I just realized that's exactly my internal conflict. I don't know the extent of the EA/PA, so I don't know if it is a deal breaker for me. That explains why I've been having a really hard time putting this on the shelf for now.

Quote:
In the same cr*ppy boat & know exactly how you feel.


Damn. Life is never fulfilling when you're living inside a soap opera like we all are.

This whole forum is such a help to me getting my head and heart straightened out.
Bill--I gotta tell you how you in particular are helping me through this week...thanks.
_________________________
(formerly crushd)
Married 14 yrs
M41/W43/D7/S4
M: MLC, major depression/W: WAW
Bomb 2/26/12, 2 days before anniversary
Detachment, Grown Apart, "I love you like the father of my children", EA/PA?

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#2239228 - 04/19/12 01:32 PM Re: Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb [Re: breakdownbill]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10562
"the more experienced Vets on here say, 'Don't believe half of what they say or what they do'."

That's wrong. The actual phrase is...

"Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do."

It's in DR.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2239238 - 04/19/12 01:58 PM Re: Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb [Re: MrBond]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Sorry for mis-quoting MWD, thanks for the correction Bond.
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

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#2239450 - 04/20/12 08:57 AM Re: Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb [Re: ouroboros]
ouroboros Offline
Member

Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 41
Sometimes, a "one day at a time" approach actually works for me.

Tonight, instead of anxiety and insomnia, I found a good emotional space right before I went to sleep.

I realized, "Just for today I'm sure there was no OP, just me."

It's not exactly detaching, but it was enough to put my anxiety in a little box, then put it on a shelf. It makes it so I can be able to get back to detaching.

And today, is a better day.
_________________________
(formerly crushd)
Married 14 yrs
M41/W43/D7/S4
M: MLC, major depression/W: WAW
Bomb 2/26/12, 2 days before anniversary
Detachment, Grown Apart, "I love you like the father of my children", EA/PA?

Top
#2239456 - 04/20/12 09:16 AM Re: Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb [Re: ouroboros]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Originally Posted By: ouroboros
Sometimes, a "one day at a time" approach actually works for me.

I think that this is the only approach that works for most of us.

Tonight, instead of anxiety and insomnia, I found a good emotional space right before I went to sleep.

Hey this is great progress, whatever you did to feel in that space keep doing it!!

I realized, "Just for today I'm sure there was no OP, just me."

That's a really positive take & mature way of dealing with this situation - I can really relate to what you said there - Thanks

It's not exactly detaching, but it was enough to put my anxiety in a little box, then put it on a shelf. It makes it so I can be able to get back to detaching.

And today, is a better day.


Well done Ourboros, you aren't trying to break the mould, you are taking some realy positive baby steps & you feel better already. Keep this up, you're doing great!!


Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

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#2239630 - 04/21/12 08:15 AM Re: Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb [Re: ouroboros]
ouroboros Offline
Member

Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 41
Well despite my best efforts, the universe is unfolding as it should.

Had a good day hanging out with W and the kids, museums and playgrounds and such.

Late in the afternoon, W asks me to use my phone to look up something on the web since her's is out of battery. I say sure, clear out all my open pages, clear the cache, and hand it to her since she's sitting right next to me.

She immediately opens up a browser and begins a search. Silly me, although I cleared the URL history, I didn't clear the search history.

The first two searches she sees pop up are "infidelity support" and "i found a love letter". She's shocked and asks me what does that mean? Did I write a letter? Did I find one?

I tell her, honestly, those were topics I looked up after our last CC session when I talked about all the behaviors that make it look to me like she's EA/PA (and which she denied).

She looks at me and tells me straight up, "I'm not cheating on you."
I said, "Well, thank you for telling me that. But I wasn't asking."
I decide I'm not going to confront her then--if I choose to do so, it'll be on my terms when I'm ready.

She's a little taken back and I'm feeling anxious. Huge change in W's attitude tonight.

I go to bed alone, she stays up.
Five minutes later, I hear a massive shuffling of papers downstairs.
_________________________
(formerly crushd)
Married 14 yrs
M41/W43/D7/S4
M: MLC, major depression/W: WAW
Bomb 2/26/12, 2 days before anniversary
Detachment, Grown Apart, "I love you like the father of my children", EA/PA?

Top
#2239648 - 04/21/12 10:37 AM Re: Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb [Re: ouroboros]
ouroboros Offline
Member

Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 41
The kids wake me up early this morning, W is still sleeping.
While making coffee, I can plainly see the folded love notes to OM are still in her school bag.

On her way to her breakfast meeting she has every Sat. morning, she casually takes the bag with her as if it was her purse. As if I wouldn't notice.

I'm not sure why I expected anything different from W other than continued secrecy, deceit, and anguish after she saw the search history for 'i found a love letter'. Wishful thinking on my part.

Very not detached this morning.
Massive and uncentered anxiety about this. (I felt very good for about 2 days, but since she saw the search history...wham.)
I feel oddly guilty, like *I'm* the one hiding something.

Disappointed.
I don't feel very angry at all.
I feel this strange empathy for what she must be going through and it makes me feel sad.
And I'll be spending the day again with W and the kids.

The universe continues to unfold as it should, but unfortunately it feels like it's unfolding in my gut.
_________________________
(formerly crushd)
Married 14 yrs
M41/W43/D7/S4
M: MLC, major depression/W: WAW
Bomb 2/26/12, 2 days before anniversary
Detachment, Grown Apart, "I love you like the father of my children", EA/PA?

Top
#2240161 - 04/23/12 04:03 PM Re: Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb [Re: ouroboros]
ouroboros Offline
Member

Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 41
A day of deep feelings of betrayal, loss.
Maybe it's the rain.
_________________________
(formerly crushd)
Married 14 yrs
M41/W43/D7/S4
M: MLC, major depression/W: WAW
Bomb 2/26/12, 2 days before anniversary
Detachment, Grown Apart, "I love you like the father of my children", EA/PA?

Top
#2241178 - 04/27/12 09:43 AM Re: Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb [Re: ouroboros]
ouroboros Offline
Member

Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 41
I can't believe that so many people have gone through this experience.
It's just humbling.

I've had a great couple of days.
And for no specific reason, I find I'm having such a hard time detaching today.
I'd really appreciate any advice on what to do when you have a really "sticky" day.
_________________________
(formerly crushd)
Married 14 yrs
M41/W43/D7/S4
M: MLC, major depression/W: WAW
Bomb 2/26/12, 2 days before anniversary
Detachment, Grown Apart, "I love you like the father of my children", EA/PA?

Top
#2241180 - 04/27/12 09:47 AM Re: Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb [Re: ouroboros]
AprilT Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 127
Loc: Georgia
Surround yourself with friends and go out. Sometimes I go to bed early, or if its real bad, I write in my journal all the things I want to be able to say but never will. It's very helpful!

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