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#2239784 - 04/22/12 12:24 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: 25yearsmlc]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
Get rid of her!

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#2239824 - 04/22/12 06:11 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10305
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: par4me
I don't think that I was manipulating her. I just wanted her to change and was not going to marry her until she did.


Not to quibble, but that^^^ is the definition of manipulation. "I just wanted her to change and I was not going to do 'x' until she did" what I wanted...

Par4, That IS manipulation...sorry you don't see that. Someday you ought to check that out as far as being something you can't or won't see that you do.
it's not the worst trait in the world but you need to identify what you are doing in your world.

Assess your behavior accurately...



Which at the time I thought she might.I can't afford counseling right now. I am sure that I need it.

If you have health insurance, at least some of it is covered. Tell me, have you called to ask how many appointments you can get?

Trust me, if her meds are covered, so is counselling for you.



Yeah, I am addicted to having her around. I enjoy doing other things not with her when she is home. Don't take that wrong I did things with her also. I'll get over it, it is just a long road and she seems to have found a short cut that takes all the memories of me away. I think that she love me. Maybe she was just using me. I felt that way sometimes.



I highlighted where you spent your energy reading her mind... That takes a lot of energy to do, and it's famous for NOT being accurate so it's really a waste of energy.

Instead, you could spend that energy on creating a life you want. Or spending quality time with your son.

My biggest regret in my sitch, was how much time I wasted on wondering what my h was doing or thinking or how he really felt about me or us or our family.

Instead, I could have spent that time and energy on creating a new, better future for ME and my children.

In fact, when I finally did turn my attention away from h and his craziness, I got a lot happier and so did the kids...and I actually think that is probably what h noticed.
It was not my goal to get his attention, but to move forward.

And he began to see that we were something he missed being around.

(No one healthy misses a whiny needy clingy person. But they do miss a happy upbeat person.)

And even if h had not come around, I was way better off not feeling so miserable.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2239855 - 04/22/12 09:56 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: 25yearsmlc]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8406
Loc: Sonoran Desert
par, my heart goes out to you. You are in on of the most difficult situations loved ones face, dealing with a substance where a loved one used to be.

You need help and TG gave you the key, Al Anon or one of the other fellowships for f&f of addicts and alcoholics. There are some pretty good online support groups, too.

You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.

Seek help.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2239928 - 04/22/12 09:10 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: labug]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
She called about 4 or 5 times today. I have a court issue tomorrow. I don't need her there and told her so. I told her by text to not to worry about me anymore and to go on with her life. Her man texted back "she will", I erased the number and the texts so that I can't contact her again. There was more texts than that but nothing about relationship or anything. I just kept it simple and did not give out any information.

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#2239970 - 04/23/12 12:18 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11942
Take a look at Pia Mellody's books on codependence and love addiction - I think her insights will help you.

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#2240078 - 04/23/12 12:23 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: kml]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
I read about detaching today. It was written about detaching from an alcoholic but it applys to me. Do you really just make no contact at all with them? I am wanting to send her an email and tell her how I feel. Probably a bad idea? I don't know if she knows or maybe that is just in my head. Do I tell her that I still have feelings for her and that I would consider reconceliation or just let it go until she comes to me? This is hard.

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#2240080 - 04/23/12 12:27 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
Read about love addiction-pretty sure that is me.

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#2240157 - 04/23/12 03:48 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10305
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: par4me
I read about detaching today. It was written about detaching from an alcoholic but it applys to me. Do you really just make no contact at all with them?


YES REALLY...Besides She is with OM now (HE texted you saying "she will" move on)

and you just told her to move on like you are. Do you mean anything you say? You are teaching her not to believe you.



I am wanting to send her an email and tell her how I feel. Probably a bad idea?

Very bad...
useless and counterproductive. You have told her how you feel, my guess is, 50 times? 100? 500?? Stop saying WORDS b/c they are meaningless.

Actions speak much louder and you need to appear strong, until you actually are.

If your son were involved with a woman like her, what would You tell Him?




I don't know if she knows or maybe that is just in my head.


1) yes she knows, but you won't get her the drugs and THEREFORE

2) she does not care how you feel unless it means she will get her fix from you.


Do I tell her that I still have feelings for her and that I would consider reconceliation or just let it go until she comes to me? This is hard.


No you don't tell her that. IF she ever gets healthy, which is NOT likely for at least another year

she'll reach out to you.

You say "this is hard." Yes, so is getting off drugs.

BUT This is not complicated. I don't know why you are confused.

Oh wait, I do know. It's not that you are confused, it's that you are addicted to her.

I went thru a 12 step program 15 years ago. They can work.

You are as addicted to her as she is to the pills. And it's just as dangerous in your life. Don't kid yourself into thinking your addiction has had no ill effects on those around you.

I can only imagine how much your addiction has affected your r with your son b/c he knows he's not as important to you as your drug of choice, which doesn't even make you happy.

You choose the suffering of your addiction to her, over quality time with your son.

Ever Wonder how he feels about that?


You KNOW she's bad for you but you still want to be around her or to pursue her. 'WHY???

evidently your fear of the unknown w/o her, even if it could mean a healthy relationship with a healthy normal loving woman who isn't addicted....and the restoration of your career and financial security...

is scarier for you than the hell you know, with her.

That's really not healthy.

Go get well, please. You'd be doing your son a favor, in case you don't think your life is worth fixing. Think of him.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2240736 - 04/25/12 03:34 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
Yes, I am done. How do I move to surviving the Big D. I have filed and ready to be done with all my feelings. She has been calling. I guess I am the back up plan that she can fall back upon if she needs to. I am better than that. I know that she doesn't respect me or anyone else. She is going to do what she wants. She has changed and is not the person that I want. I can see through this new girl trying to be nice. She is getting ready to try to use me again for something. I am literaly not buying it this time.

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#2240738 - 04/25/12 03:36 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
I am going completely dark with her. Which means I will not answer her calls or emails at all. Ever. Any other suggestions? Yes, I am exercising and working plus working on my PHD. So, there is no time for much else. That is my GAL projects.

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