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GWN,
I'm glad the "visit" went well and he was able to get his "stuff".

As for his questions, etc., it sounds to me like he felt very comfortable being in your presence today. His making small talk was to show you that he is moving on w/his life and he wanted you to know that he's staying busy and in touch w/his daughter.

My first thought was that he wanted to put on the "good guy" mask in front of his friend so that his friend can tell people that the two of you are friends and you have accepted the split. But the more I thought about it, it could be that he 1)thinks that if he remains friendly, you will be easier to manipulate down the road on other issues concerning the divorce; or 2)still wants to have a toe in both ponds, just in case his new life doesn't work out, he can still have you waiting in the wings. It's hard to tell w/these mlcers exactly what is their MO.

I do know this, the less you question or ruffle their feathers, the less you will see the spew and anger when they are around Right now, your h got what he wanted and he was a happy camper.

One little piece of advice, the next time you are baking when he comes over, don't offer him anything...let him go home thinking about the aroma and what he could have had to eat if he had been living at home.

BTW, I think he wants a friendship w/you, but on his terms. I also think that you were far better off w/him being cordial, etc., than an angry man. You do not want that kind of behavior going on in front of witness because there is no guarantee that you could have kept it together like you did today. I'm very proud w/the way you handled the situation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2238091 04/15/12 11:27 PM
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Thanks, Snodderly. And thanks for being proud of me.

He was definitely comfortable today, just as he was last weekend. He actually walked around the house like he still lives here, very comfortably. Except for knocking on the door every time he came in. And he made the same kind of small talk as he did last Sunday, almost all of it about our life together. This is the thing that gets me...he brings up all the things we had or did together, but now they're separate.

He definitely is making a point regarding his daughter. He wants me to know that he has a good relationship with her now. It was volatile for a long time and from the sounds of things has never been as good as it is now, and it's because of me...I made sure she didn't hate him and that she could view him with compassion. I'm sure he knows it too.

I said to him at one point that hopefully doing the right thing will pay off for me sometime because it's been a bit of a tough run. It was on the tip of my tongue to say that I won't contest a divorce, but neither will I pay for or participate in the process.

I don't think he was putting a good guy mask because he is the same any time he's here. The divorce issues are settled...the separation agreement is also the divorce document. He'd have to go to court to open it and he won't.

I want it to be a toe in both ponds...that he still sees something appealing about our life together and that he'll come back to it. I don't know if the homewrecker is still in the picture and part of me wishes i could find out but then the other part says what's the point.

I learned early on to not ask questions and I haven't and won't. As much as it hurts, I know his current life is none of my business. Probably for that reason there's been no spew since we got the separation agreement settled before Christmas.

I'll take your advice about the baking.

You're probably right about him wanting a friendship on his terms. But he can't have that. And I can't have what I want either, which is my marriage restored. My sister was near tears yesterday when she told me she's always hoped he would come home. People still love him.

My heart is breaking again, but it probably wouldn't if there were spew and conflict and hostility. I'd have been long gone by now if things were bad.


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
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OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
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GWN,
We don't know what the future holds for any of us and who knows...he may come home at some point. We just don't know.

The small talk and bringing up things that you did is his way of "reliving" the "old" life and he will revisit that life quite often in the days ahead as he travels through space. In his mind, he is still trying to find a jusitification/reason for why he left and the way he feels about you right now. Unfortunately, there isn't a justification for his behavior except that he is unhappy w/himself.

Time will tell as to what happens next w/him. Give him plenty of space and do not contact him unless it is an emergency.

Just breathe a sign of relief that the day is over and look to tomorrow for new adventures. I am very happy that he behaved himself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2238144 04/16/12 05:55 AM
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GWN and Snodderly,

I've been reading these recent posts. It hits home with me in regards to actions with my XH and many questions and feelings I have about it all too. I appreciate your insights Snodderly, you're so right on all the time. You are a living dictionary or Thesaurus on MLC. Bring something up, and you've got a good darn answer!

It's good to know that the small talk about things we did in our marriages are the MLCers way of reliving the old life and that they revisit it often. I never could understand how my Xh's memory was like a steel trap after he left, yet while here he couldn't think his way out of paper bag. Just tonight he recalled everything that's in the spare bathroom....and he's been gone a year!

I agree that they want us to be friends with them on their terms and that they keep us at reach just enough incase their "new life" or "OW" doesn't work out. I also think that because we suck it up and act "as if" and carry ourselves with dignity and handle the sitch with grace (even though we're dying inside) that it gives them the message that what they're doing is ok. I've begun to think that by acting as if, and remaining friendly when they approach us that it gives them the idea that it's ok for them to run off and do their MLC thing, yet it's still safe enough to come back and test the waters with us.

Is this part of paving the way home?


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Kimmerz #2238166 04/16/12 12:11 PM
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Kimmerz,
We walk a fine line w/the mlcer. If you display anger and/or point fingers at them for anything, they will go into the disappearance mode or in some cases, take it out on the spouse and/or children by withholding funds, visitations, etc. They can be nasty little somebodies when they want to be and you do not want to be on the receiving end when they are extremely nasty.

Whether or not you act as if, many of them will test the waters to see where you are throughout the crisis. Acting as if, helps you in the long run because eventually you will begin healing and will one day wake up and realize you don't have to "act" any longer. Acting as if is a way to state that you are doing okay and can manage on your own, it doesn't necessarily state that you are happy w/what they are doing. It's not the get out of jail free card for them, but, what does send the message that you are okay w/what they are doing is when the spouses continue to do things for them, such as pick up the laundry, take care of their bills, continue to cook their meals, i.e., the normal day-to-day things that we all have done throughout our marriages. If you are not doing these, then the message is not there, just my two cents.

Is it a way to pave the way home? Yes, it could be, but there are a lot of factors that will determine this and the major one is whether or not you will still be there w/the door ajar to even consider reconcillation by the time he/she has completed their journey. Of course, your mlcer may opt to not even try to return and will continue on down the merry path.

Time is on your side and you will need to dig deep for patience to assist you in your journey.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2238978 04/18/12 10:51 PM
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Fell into a deep hole on Sunday night/Monday. I actually scared myself. It wasn't because of H, but because of losing my marriage and dreams, losing my job and the prospect of losing my house, all in the span of seven months, and having to face all of this alone. It all was just too much for a time.

So a close friend and colleague of mine who didn't lose her job called the Employee Assistance Program to try and find a way to support me. She coaxed me into going with her.

I don't think she got what she was looking for, but the therapist we saw is a social worker who is pro-marriage and familiar with MWD! I didn't even raise wanting to save my marriage, but I guess she read between the lines. Unfortunately she hasn't read the books, (She asked if I could get H to come into counselling. I said no, because it's no good until they're ready.), but fortunately she appears to have the right attitude (she agreed).

So I'm going to have some sessions with her to put all the stuff going on in my life into perspective, and to get some support for my efforts to save my marriage. I do question whether it's worth standing, given how incapable he is of communicating, trusting and being vulnerable, and how little I knew of him as a result.

I believe from the way he looked at me and behaved last two times I saw him that he still loves me, and from the way he's been talking that he's thinking back on his life with me, sort of on where he's supposed to be...meaning here. That said, I am going to continue doing what I'm doing and give him all the space in the world, continuing on as if he's not coming home.


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Good idea to continue on as if he's not coming home. Who knows what he's thinking? Also, glad you're attending counseling sessions. I've been looking for one in our area, just to help me with the end coming up soon.

Throwing positive spears your way. smile


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe #2239092 04/19/12 11:45 AM
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GWN,
I'm glad to hear that your friend was able to assist you and you are now meeting w/someone. It doesn't hurt to have someone listen and help you through the maze.

Keep the door ajar, but continue moving on "as if" he may not return. Always keep your expectations at zero.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2239476 04/20/12 03:43 PM
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Not long after H moved out I put away our wedding photos, but hung onto them in the hopes that he'd be back. Today I removed them from their frames, wrote a letter to H on the backs of them, and then burned them as a ritual way of letting go. I read them aloud before burning them, sobbing through it all.

I said in the letter that I love him today as I've always loved him. That I've been true to my marriage and my vows. That I'd do anything to save my marriage. I also apologized for anything I ever did to hurt him.

But I also said that I know now that I no longer have a place in H's life or in stepD's life and I have to let it go, that keeping in touch is nothing more than a way of trying to keep my marriage alive. It is self imposed pain.

I also said in my letter that he's hurt me so much, that I'd never, ever have moved to the country alone and now that is where I find myself. An imposed isolation, solitary confinement. That words can't begin to describe the pain, that I've found nothing so far to fill the hole in my heart.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Life is one hour at a time right now. I keep believing that if I continue to do the right thing I will be somehow rewarded. It hasn't worked out that way yet. Not in this case or at work, at any rate. I am tired, and tired of reaching out.

I think the letter writing and burning ritual will be good for me. I just wish someone were here with me to get all of H's and stepD's things into the garage so they can take them away ASAP. I can't keep deluding myself.


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Dear Great White North,

Please just remember that right now things seem awful and hopeless. Things will get better.

I am also struggling with getting the physical things done that I need to do to make my world right and mine again. I sort of divided up my house, his areas, my areas.

I work on a little bit at a time, maybe pick one room a day to work on, not look at the whole house. I actually have picked my bathroom, or the laundry room as the room to work on. (Small rooms, easier!)

I hope things get better at work and at home for you. I hope you find some nice people to be in your life and support you as friends do!

Aloha,

Wendy


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
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