W keeps herself sequestered to the bedroom most of the day, every day. I over hear her on a call with OM (what else is new) and she apparently has been researching new apartments for OM in the city where he lives. She spends more time solving his problems than focusing on our family. So incredibly annoying!
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Unacceptable. This is simple (not easy, but simple) boundary enforcement. The FIRST TIME my wife tried that crap, I simply said "I certainly hope that's not your boyfriend that you're talking to in our marital home; that would be INCREDIBLY disrespectful." And then I stood there, staring at her, and she ended the call.
She never called him again from inside our home that I know of. She'd even pace outside in the yard, IN THE RAIN sometimes, yakking on her cellphone, but she wouldn't do it in the house, as two of my boundaries were "no phone calls to/from OM in our home," and "no texting OM in front of the kids."
Someone once said that "we teach people how to treat us." I think that's about right.
Starsky
I gotta agree with Starsky on this one. Some kind of boundary needs to be set up. My H may be an idiot, but he knows better than to let me hear him talking to OW. LOL I mentioned the texting in front of me last week (not sure if it was to OW or not, but probably was) and that it was disrespectful. He hasn't done it since that I know of. Some things you just have to say no to.
I sometimes feel like if they were acting out some, my W might be compelled to get her act together.
I haven't found this to be true at all. My w's relationship w/ my s15 has really deteriorated (actually it has w/ all 3) but he speaks up about it and is definitely hurt. He was excited to tell her about something yesterday and he started to talk and said something and my w cut him off w/ a very rude comment. He then said something he shouldn't have back to her and went to his room.
I chose to not say anything but it's really upsetting to me. And it doesn't seem to bring her any closer. She is in her own world.
W keeps herself sequestered to the bedroom most of the day, every day. I over hear her on a call with OM (what else is new) and she apparently has been researching new apartments for OM in the city where he lives. She spends more time solving his problems than focusing on our family. So incredibly annoying!
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Unacceptable. This is simple (not easy, but simple) boundary enforcement. The FIRST TIME my wife tried that crap, I simply said "I certainly hope that's not your boyfriend that you're talking to in our marital home; that would be INCREDIBLY disrespectful." And then I stood there, staring at her, and she ended the call.
She never called him again from inside our home that I know of. She'd even pace outside in the yard, IN THE RAIN sometimes, yakking on her cellphone, but she wouldn't do it in the house, as two of my boundaries were "no phone calls to/from OM in our home," and "no texting OM in front of the kids."
Someone once said that "we teach people how to treat us." I think that's about right.
Starsky
I had this same boundary. And I enforced it.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
It is a good boundary, to be sure. But it is unenforceable as long as I am not living at the house. It's like telling the president to stop running up trillion dollar deficits. He' can't help himself and he is going to ignore me and so is my W.
If I move back into the house, then I can see this being a boundary that can be enforced. Until then, not so much.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I'm also curious about older children and custody arrangements. You hear all the time about the battles between waring spouses who are divorcing and using children as leverage. Seems to me that that is less likely the older the children are.
Yes, at least in our case with H's first W, it got less problematic as the kids got older. (BTW, H was already D'd before me, exW's choice; I was never the OW. Just thought that was important to clarify in my sitch..) Mostly, because they don't need you as much for driving and such. On the other hand, if the ex is a permissive parent and you're trying not to be, it has the potential of drawing them away because of the lack of parental boundaries in the other home. Honestly, I know w-a-y too much about this to have anything nice to say about it, but I'll answer any Q's you'd like.
OK, that makes more sense and is certainly more doable. There was an incident I posted about a few weeks back where W was on the phone for 1 hour of a 2 hour drive and I think she may have been on the phone with OM then. That is when I could have and should have set the boundary and enforced it. I will make this a priority for my future interactions with my WAS.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
OK, that makes more sense and is certainly more doable. There was an incident I posted about a few weeks back where W was on the phone for 1 hour of a 2 hour drive and I think she may have been on the phone with OM then. That is when I could have and should have set the boundary and enforced it. I will make this a priority for my future interactions with my WAS.
Good for you! I can only imagine how I would feel. (If she doesn't respect your boundary, I can always call or text you so she sees how it feels. LOL j/k)
I'm also curious about older children and custody arrangements. You hear all the time about the battles between waring spouses who are divorcing and using children as leverage. Seems to me that that is less likely the older the children are.
Yes, at least in our case with H's first W, it got less problematic as the kids got older. (BTW, H was already D'd before me, exW's choice; I was never the OW. Just thought that was important to clarify in my sitch..) Mostly, because they don't need you as much for driving and such. On the other hand, if the ex is a permissive parent and you're trying not to be, it has the potential of drawing them away because of the lack of parental boundaries in the other home. Honestly, I know w-a-y too much about this to have anything nice to say about it, but I'll answer any Q's you'd like.
I was just observing that the kids really don't seemed to be phased by the sitch. Maybe because I see them just about every day, they don't feel it as much as other children from broken homes might.
In conversations I have with them they never bring up our separation. When I ask them how they are doing in relation to that (and I do try to be careful in how I broach the subject) they don't really have much to say. It's not like they are avoiding talking about it, they just don't have much to say.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
You are being a awesome amazing Dad that is why your kids are so happy and okay.
For the past 2 weeks I have been enforcing more a schedule with my H. So there is no just stopping by any more. So far this is working much better for me and I think(?) bringing him closer. He now has to ask me for things that I used to give for free so he is atleast acknowledging that its a favor.
I will let you know how it goes. It might be something you consider. Right now your wife is having the best of both worlds.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
