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#2239524 - 04/20/12 04:08 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9876
"Do you think I'm being stupid still sleeping with my W in this situation? "

I don't think it's stupid. I think it's just naive. So she's still seeing the OM (her choice) and having sex with you (you initiate and she doesn't). The logic sounds messed up.

It sounds like she has sex with you to keep you off her back. Emotions are more important to women than the physical attraction. If she is emotionally tied to this OM, it doesn't matter if she has sex with him or not. The connection between them will continue to grow while you're left with sloppy seconds. She's going to determine when she's done with you.

Is that what you want?
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2239558 - 04/20/12 06:14 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: MrBond]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
"I don't think it's stupid. I think it's just naive. So she's still seeing the OM (her choice) and having sex with you (you initiate and she doesn't does). The logic sounds messed up".

It's been a pretty even split, but before the bomb one of my big issues was never initiating sex. It has been a 180 for me of sorts, but the circumstances could be better.

"It sounds like she has sex with you to keep you off her back.
It's not always missionary ;-) But seriously though I don't feel like I'm pusuing her, I have given her space. We both have physical needs and I think that they are just being fulfilled.

Emotions are more important to women than the physical attraction. If she is emotionally tied to this OM, it doesn't matter if she has sex with him or not.

Well emotionally she may still be attached to him. He's a divorcee with a daughter,for all I know he might even be funny and she loves dancing with this little pr&*k. But for the love of God, I just can't see how or why she is/was physically attracted to this man, he's 5ft nothing, goofy looking, got grey hair and is in his mid to late 40's.

"The connection between them will continue to grow while you're left with sloppy seconds".

I don't really know what, if anything is still going on besides the dancing now. I appreciate your frank honesty, but please don't refer to my W as sloppy seconds. I'm aware that this may be happening and I'm preparing myself for a probable separation.

"She's going to determine when she's done with you.

Is that what you want"?

This is not what I want at all, when we have our next R talk after my studies have finished in a month, even if my W is not pushing for a separation, if my W is not ready to make some commitments, then we will be discussing a separation.

I'll be the one to move out & I'm OK with this if we aren't working through our issues. I've already got a couple of places lined up where I can stay if I need to.

Mr Bond, if I didn't love my W and my children, I would have walked out after learning about the affair. I know my failings in the M and I'm working really hard at putting these right, but my W's choices are hers, I can only work on me and my interactions. When the time comes and if it's not enough for her, then it's not enough and I will move forward and on with my life.


Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

Top
#2239585 - 04/20/12 08:38 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9876
"It's been a pretty even split, but before the bomb one of my big issues was never initiating sex."

Did she tell you that this was a problem in the relationship when she dropped the bomb? How does she initiate? Does she flirt beforehand or does she just ask if you want to have sex?

"It sounds like she has sex with you to keep you off her back.
But seriously though I don't feel like I'm pusuing her, I have given her space."

I don't think you understand. She could very well be giving you sex so that you won't bother her. Or bother with the OM.

"We both have physical needs and I think that they are just being fulfilled."

Sorry that's what animals do. Women also need an emotional connection with their men. Do you actually look at each other and talk after or is it strictly wam bam thank you maam?

"Well emotionally she may still be attached to him. He's a divorcee with a daughter,for all I know he might even be funny and she loves dancing with this little pr&*k. But for the love of God, I just can't see how or why she is/was physically attracted to this man, he's 5ft nothing, goofy looking, got grey hair and is in his mid to late 40's."

I don't think you've been reading everyone's sitches too carefully. The majority of WAS's affair down. You might think he's a goof, but the bottom line is that he has your W's heart and you don't. Never underestimate someone. He is filling a need that your W has which she feels can't be filled by you.

"I don't really know what, if anything is still going on besides the dancing now. I appreciate your frank honesty, but please don't refer to my W as sloppy seconds."

I wasn't referring to your W as sloppy seconds in a physical way but an emotional one. Right now the OM is first in her heart and you're the seconds.

"if my W is not ready to make some commitments, then we will be discussing a separation."

Not the right way to think about this. You don't leave it up to her and her changes. It comes down to how you have changed.

"I'll be the one to move out & I'm OK with this if we aren't working through our issues. I've already got a couple of places lined up where I can stay if I need to."

Then that's what you should have told her. And anyhow why do you feel the need to move out? If she is unhappy, have her leave. I know she threatened you, but do you enjoy being threatened?

"if I didn't love my W and my children, I would have walked out after learning about the affair."

But her EA is still ongoing. So are you saying that it's still okay?

"I know my failings in the M and I'm working really hard at putting these right, but my W's choices are hers, I can only work on me and my interactions. When the time comes and if it's not enough for her, then it's not enough"

Again, make the changes solely for you. It's not for your W.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2239613 - 04/21/12 04:04 AM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: MrBond]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Hi Bond

I really appreciate your input and you're right about some of my attitudes not being DB, these are just some of my issues i'm wrestling with internally at the moment. I really think that the IC session hit some buttons, which has made me think about some stuff which is not healthy for me right now.

I know that my W has stopped with all the text messages to the OM and her actions over the last few weeks have made me think that she is just dancing with him. When she goes dancing she's got a few close girl friends that she talks to there as well. I mean it's not an ideal situation, but it could be worse.

I've been taking stock on how we've been getting on and I've only been mentioning the negatives on here. This morning we were both playing with S6 and we were laughing talking about our trip to Florida in June.

I think I need to just lower the bar and stop setting expectations to high to justify what my actions may or may not be - ie moving out.

The ML has been really good whoever initiates it post the bomb and we do talk during and after. My W's guard is still there but I think progress is being made.

I think since there has been no pressure, things have been a lot better between us. once my degree is finished in a month, I'll have so much more spare time and we've got that holiday coming up as well so I can see opportunities for things to improve.

Your right though about the changes and I am doing them for me.

I know that this is going to be a long journey and I think in some ways I have been on a roundabout this week, a bit like Clark Griswald in National Lampoon's European Vacation when he can't get right. I just need to get back to what I was doing and keep working hard.

Thanks for the wake up Call Mr Bond I needed it.
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

Top
#2239668 - 04/21/12 01:11 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9876
"stop setting expectations to high"

Learn to stop expectations period and stop worrying about what your W is or is not thinking.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2239886 - 04/22/12 01:25 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: MrBond]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Hi Bond

Quote:
Learn to stop expectations period and stop worrying about what your W is or is not thinking.


I know you are right about this and I should just be more concerned with the here and now - the moment. I do need to try and stop thinking about her and just live my life.

Got a busy few weeks coming up at UNI which is going to take my mind of my W. Just got to keep a balance with spending as much time w/ kids as possible.

Thanks Mr Bond


Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

Top
#2239901 - 04/22/12 03:36 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
Hi Bond

Quote:
Learn to stop expectations period and stop worrying about what your W is or is not thinking.


I know you are right about this and I should just be more concerned with the here and now - the moment. I do need to try and stop thinking about her and just live my life.

Got a busy few weeks coming up at UNI which is going to take my mind of my W. Just got to keep a balance with spending as much time w/ kids as possible.

Thanks Mr Bond


Bill


Stopping expectations with a partner has to be the most difficult exercise in the world!! However, effort and some headway in that direction is always positive in every aspect of life actually - so it is a worthy endeavor.

I have some ways to go on that front too - don't we all.

It might be easiest to just keep on focussing on the Uni as much as possible (47.5%) then 47.5% on the kids then whatever is left on her?

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#2239919 - 04/22/12 06:48 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: YankeeCandle]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Hi Yankee

Well my weekend has gone a lot better than my week in terms of how I was feeling about my W.

We've hung out a bit with the kids & we were talking just about stuff going on. Then last night My W nearly makes me pee my pants with this Tom Jones impression we were both howling laughing. It was great, just like old times.

Then tonight my Dad calls about letting borrow his car & picking my Mum & Dad up from the airport next week. My W answered the phone, but avoided any real conversation with my Dad (she wasn't rude, but passed the phone over pretty quickly).

Well anyway my mum is on the phone for about 5 minutes before she asks about our kids, she hasn't seen them in a fortnight since we stopped going for Sunday lunch. My sister has got 2 kids the same age as mine & she got divorced about 4 years ago. Well my Mum & Dad spend all their free time with them, take my sister's kids to school & take them places, whereas my 2 get overlooked all the time. This has been a bone of contention & something me & my W have argued about alot in the past. You know the same argument over & over.

Well I thought it was coming tonight & it did (kind of)... My W started off with her usual opening onslaught about my mum treating our kids second best & making no effort, but instead of me going silent, I validated her. These things annoy & hurt me too, but she's still my mum so I don't enjoy these conversations. I validated everything that she said & it was a really calm conversation & I brought it to an end by saying something I surprised myself with I said:

I don't like the way my mum and dad are with our kids & it hurts me just as much...But I can't change how the way they are, I wish it was different, but it's not. I've tried to talk to them about it in the past but it doesn't change anything.... Then out of nowhere I say,

D & S are my family and always will be.


Now it wasn't a conscious thing for me to not include my W in that sentence but I didn't and it kind of threw my W off guard a little (raise an eyebrow), but she validated me by saying I know.

More than anything I want to work things out with my W & keep my family together, so I don't know quite where that came from..

Something to reflect on anyway...

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

Top
#2240436 - 04/24/12 02:48 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Journal Entry

What a difference a week makes!!

Had the best day yesterday. Started it off with a run.

It was the awards for the best presentation @ UNI yesterday and I won the outstanding award out of my year (70 people). I think I win book vouchers and more prestigiously get my finished essay published in the university journal. So happy about this, all my tutors and friends were really happy for me & said that they loved my presentation.

My W was made up for me as well, she sent me lots of text messages congratulating me & even got a congratulations card for the kids to write & give to me (really nice touch).

I then went to my dance class for a bit more GAL and had a great lesson & had a couple of drinks and quite a few dances afterwards in general dance.

When I come home my W had waited up for me & said that she wanted to congratulate me personally & initiated making love. For the first time in a while the kissing felt real & full of emotion and feeling from my W. An amazing end to my day.

Today I've had another IC session, which went really well, starting to feel so positive about myself and feel like I'm dealing with things loads better now.

I then met up with a friend to go into town & hire a tuxedo for our graduation ball at the end of May & then went for a Chinese meal.

Earlier my W called me on her way home saying she had 1 mile of diesel (gas) left & didn't know if she would make it to the station. I asked her to call me if she broke down before she got to the station & I would meet her there with the kids. She made it to the station, but called me anyway because she had left her bank card at home. I drove down to the petrol (gas) station & met her & paid for her. I did it with a smile & she was happy to see me & the kids.

Right now I'm in the library, got about 4,000 words to do on my dissertation which is due in on Monday. So it's going to be a late one tonight doing work.

All in all, I'm very happy with how things are going for me in my own life & in my current sitch. Still taking everything day by day, but things are good right now.

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

Top
#2240498 - 04/24/12 06:17 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
That is just wonderful Bill!! I am sooo happy for you!!!

Sounds like things are going just swimmingly - that is great. You have done a lot of good work, so it's bound to pay off.

I have a tutor meeting tomorrow and worked all day to get ready for it. I feel more than ready - but have another full year to go for my project. I have more confidence after today - feels like I am getting there.

Have you already started applying for jobs and such? Well, good luck with that. With all this positive energy you are exuding, you are bound to get something PDQ.

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