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#2239128 - 04/19/12 09:37 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: labug]
ThisDayForward Offline
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Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I pick the kids up every other day

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#2239129 - 04/19/12 09:38 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
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Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I literally said what's going on and she pounced. Small talk

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#2239155 - 04/19/12 10:48 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
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Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Also as crazy as this sounds it's almost like she needs to rage and get it out of her system. Sounds crazy but it certainly ends the nonsense tension between us created by her

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#2239163 - 04/19/12 11:07 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
~ kd ~ Offline
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Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
so if it's been happening "forever" NM...

why are you still reacting to it?

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#2239167 - 04/19/12 11:14 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ~ kd ~]
ThisDayForward Offline
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Registered: 01/16/12
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Cuz I get sucked in like a moth on light bulb. The tension is so high for no reason. So high that a simple "hows it going" causes her to explode

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#2239178 - 04/19/12 11:33 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
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Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I limited my reaction the best I could

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#2239185 - 04/19/12 11:45 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
~ kd ~ Offline
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Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Cuz I get sucked in like a moth on light bulb. The tension is so high for no reason. So high that a simple "hows it going" causes her to explode


so... stop being a moth...

NM, you say this and still speak in terms of things being done TO you... please stop being a victim.

Geeze... I don't really do this to anyone... ever... here or IRL...

Your self victimization is getting tedious, my friend...

I support you 100%... but you have to help yourself... because eventually... the soft shoulders go away....

I get it... I really, really get it... and I still get the feeling that you don't believe me or anyone else that say to you that we understand...

NM, I mentioned about doing things that serve us... and you said you didn't understand... but those were words that you typed on your computer and posted here... I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU...

We all understand what it means to have something serve us... like eating to serve our hunger...

Posting here to say that your W "magically" turned into a raging monster, serves you...

It gets us all going, "oh NM... that's too bad"... and you get to feel significant and worthy... because you are not getting those needs met by your W...

But here's where it's failing, NM...

You go and tell us that you KNEW it was about to happen again...

Yet you say it happened as though she blind sided you... but... you knew it was going to happen... which is it...?

Or is it self fulfilling prophecy...

Do you really believe that she has the power to control how you feel?

When you go to work and your boss rags on you about something... totally out of the blue... how about when your kids have tantrums... and please don't tell me those things don't happen... and if they really don't... then let's go with a coffee shop clerk is having a bad day and is rude to you... How come we don't hear how they blind sided you...? Like a moth to flame...

You are the moth my friend... choose the moon... not the flame... only you can do that... and you are not helpless... unless you want to be... because it serves you...

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#2239193 - 04/19/12 12:05 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ~ kd ~]
ThisDayForward Offline
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Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
KD I see what you're saying. I'm truly not posting on here for sympathy from you guys. I did know it was coming and I tried to prepare myself to not over react. I had canned responses in my head. Like "I understand that these are your feelings" and "I'm sorry your're so upset" But when she went for the jugular I did react and then stepped off. When she threatens me with D I just always say that is not the direction I want to take and I understand that is how you're feeling. I did say the decision is yours and I don't want to make you feel trapped. Not sure if that was a good or bad thing to say.

I understand your analogies.

I know where I really failed. Being together so much as a family and then ebrake thrown on. That is where I completely failed. Then throw in the dying dog. It was a rough week for her and me and I tried to be as supportive as possible.

But KD my W does turn into a raging monster and I'm failing at taming the monster. I completely failed this month at it. My goal was to avoid the conflict this week cuz I knew it was coming and I failed at terribly. I let the conflict happen. I know this and I'm admitting I failed. I also know she wanted me to ask hows it going. I failed there too. I could have picked up the kids, put them in car, and left. I failed.

I tell you what this is the hardest thing ever for me to do. I hate failing even though I want to succeed.

Today she is being much better to me. Why I have no clue. Cuz she vented? I struggle here too. I just can't go about my day sometimes without pondering.

I tell you what is killing me is my business is slow as crap. It is absolutely killing me cuz I'm just not busy enough.

Thx for the words KD. Thx

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#2239201 - 04/19/12 12:21 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
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Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
KD and others when she flips out like this what should I do. Keep it very short and dismiss myself. Like "I understand these are your feelings but I don't want to discuss things under these conditions" Like what 2thepoint said. I mean she was waiting for a tiny window to pounce and she did. I wish I did a better job at not reacting. But I didn't. I did ok or avg.

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#2239202 - 04/19/12 12:22 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
I do so understand, NM... that's why I get so frustrated with you... because I'm frustrated with myself for doing the same reactive things, even though I know better...

Remember... your W is a pro... a true pro at this... at pushing your buttons... if she's having a rotten day, hey... it's ALL ON YOU...

I'm not kidding saying this, maybe you really need to hire a coach... what ever type you can find willing to do this. Maybe a boxing coach, or a sensei, or perhaps an army captain or even a vocal coach...

No really, really... I'm not being facetious here... hire them for as long as it takes. When you get used to one, get another... until you can really do this...

Their job is to step in front of you, toe to toe... AND YELL AND SCREAM AND PUT YOU DOWN AND REMIND YOU THAT EVERYTHING WRONG IN THEIR LIFE IS YOUR FAULT!!! They might even tag along with you on a walk for an hour or so and "attack" you out of the blue, during friendly conversation or from behind a tree or closed door.

This type of behaviour modification is to allow you to stand in the storm. So when your W rages... no matter how unprepared you might be... you can stand in it... validate... and walk on...

Do you want to fix this for you?

Then please do this...

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