Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Happy Easter!

I'm very happy to read that you had a wonderful time on your vacation. It sounds like it did you a world of good.

Good luck w/your meeting w/your h. I think the call really did catch him off guard and who knows...it just might open the door for a nice conversation.

The quote that your sister has on her website is one that we all should read and apply to ourselves.

Enjoy your day and no matter what he says or does...you are going to be just fine!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2236343 04/08/12 04:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
Thanks, Snodderly. You're right...I'll be just fine!

H just left. He was here for just over an hour. We had a really nice, relaxed visit. Laughed a bit. Had coffee on the back deck. It's beautiful out here now, and it was quite obvious that he misses it.

I answered his questions (he asked quite a lot for him) but didn't offer up anything else except to say (at an appropriate time) that this whole thing has changed me to the core. He didn't understand what I meant, so I explained that I'm changed permanently, that I let things go now, that I don't get stressed over things I can't control.

He had his arms tight across his chest for a lot of the visit, until I pointed it out to him. He took it lightly, chuckled a little, and unfolded them, understanding what his body language was saying.

He says he's OK, apart from bronchitis and mourning his uncle, but I don't buy it for a second. He looked to me like he was about to cry at times. I wonder if he's finally seeing how much he threw away, that I'm not the terrible person he convinced himself I am.

We looked at the boat, and the damage appears to be mouse-related and superficial. He looked longingly (or so it seemed) at me like he missed "us" when we were doing this. At one point when he passed behind me he put both hands on my waist. After we finished up and were walking into the house he stopped, turned around and said "can I have a hug from you please". He got one.

Then he gathered up his hunting gear and talked about when he can come and get the rest of his things to "get them out of your hair". I bit my tongue on that one and just said OK, but we couldn't come up with a weekend that works. He's going to email this week.

When he left he said thank you for the visit, that he hopes it won't mess me up, and that he's glad I'm looking so good. I wanted to tell him that this visit makes it clear our marriage is worth saving, that he can change his mind, that people can forgive him, but am leaving it up to him to get there on his own. He asked for another hug and got it. Both times were long embraces.

Anyway...I'm still doing great! This visit didn't rock my foundation. I'm seeing some family and friends today for Easter dinner but won't mention it to them. Or to anyone but the good folks on this board. One of the friends I'm seein today is/was his fishing buddy. H asked about him for the first time since the split, but I won't tell the friend. I wanted to suggest that H contact him, but decided to not tell him what to do.

So there it is. I'll file this one under "it is what it is". I really, really want him to come to his senses before the boat sells because once it's gone, I'm reallydone. Not the pretend done that I've been in the past blush.

The reason for this is that I'm co-signer on the loan and it will cost us $10k to sell (owing more than we can sell for). He knows I've been paying off my student loans to the tune of $550 a month for the past 12 years and have 2 more to go so to slam me with more debt will be complete disregard that I can't abide.

Anyway, it was a great visit that I hope drills deep into his mind. And now I fade to dark gray this time, but will open the door should he knock.


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,060
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,060
Glad it went well with the visit, GWN. Lot's of interesting gestures made by him.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Sounds like the meeting went well. I don't think he will come to his senses before the boat sells. He's got alot of internal work to do yet. (I hope that I am wrong on this, for your sake.)

Keep focusing on you and what you need to do to keep yourself balanced, healthy and happy.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2236957 04/10/12 09:42 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
Thanks for the feedback BeingMe and Snodderly. Means a lot that you check in. With regards to the boat selling, we're facing major job cuts here (in the tens of thousands) so there's not a lot of people in the mood to spend 18k on a boat, but only time will tell.

I've been thinking about my time with H on Sunday, the questions he asked....a lot of things about the house (the insulation, the sump pump, the pool and connecting the pump...these were all things I was left to do immediately at BD), about my plans should I lose my job (I told him I might sell the house and move to another city or province, which is true and not just posturing), if I was going to go south this spring (which we'd been planning the week before BD. I guess he couldn't see my tan!).

Something particularly interesting was that he said he's going to start bringing his clients (adults with developmental disabilities) to the farm next door again in a couple of weeks. He used to do this weekly but hasn't as much as talked to the owner since BD last September. The neighbour has been a great help to me so I'm not sure how H will be received over there, but I guess time will tell. I presume he'll get in touch rather than just show up. It won't be easy that's for sure.

He seemed to be interested in our life, but I'm trying to not over analyze. I still haven't gotten the email about picking up his rifles this week or the rest of his things later on. It all makes me wonder if he's starting to reconnect with the life he walked away from. I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on that.

I got home today to a bunch of mail for him...his tax assessment, something from the hospital, something from his pension plan. I have his cell bill from last week and a couple of other things that I forgot to give him on Sunday.

The fact that he hasn't changed his address suggests to me that he hasn't detached from me, our marriage or our home. Perhaps I'm over anlyzing....it could also be that he's lazy. I only tolerate the secretarial function because I want him to come home, but don't want to be filling myself with false hope.

One question is, how do I handle what could well be a sensitive, make or break place we are at?

Other question is, what do I do with this stuff now? Should I just stay the course, put his mail in the post and leave things alone? Should I wait until I hear from him about his rifles and getting the rest of his things? Or should I push the envelope and tell him he needs to change his address?

All advice welcome and appreciated!

Thanks, folks!


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,588
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,588
GWN,

Just go to the Post Office and ask for a change of address card. Bundle up his mail with the COA card in there. You won't have to say a word, but the message will be loud and clear.

As long as the ow is present, he's still in replay. He's got quite a ways to go yet. His peeks out of the tunnel are just moments of clarity. They are when he remembers his life with you, but he can turn on a dime and dart back into the tunnel.

Keep doing what you are doing. You're handling it well. At this point in time there is little you could do to make or break anything. MLC has to run its course.

Hope is yours. No one can take that away. Just keep your expectations low or at zero to protect your heart.

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
Thanks for the feedback, Seeking. You're probably right.

This new behaviour pretty much mirrors what Snodderly described in an old post (2003, I think) about reconnection, so I got hopeful. She did point out that the process takes quite a long time though.

H hasn't called about his hunting gear yet and the week is almost over. I haven't dealt with his mail yet...other things on my mind.

Not only was yesterday my anniversary, I also received notice that I have to find a new job. The timing couldn't have been much worse. I'm lucky in that the severence is good and I have some time, but the bad thing is that if I don't end up with the same salary I'll have to look at selling my house.

I fear for my mental health should this occur. Three major life changes in the course of a year is too many. Not to mention the absence of someone to hold you, tell you it will be OK, and work through it with you.


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I'm sorry to hear about your employment situation. You may want to give serious thought to renting out a room to a college student. You can either advertise for a roommate or go through a realtor (screening would be better). Don't plan too far ahead because you just never know what is around the corner and who knows...you just might find a good position elsewhere.

I wouldn't worry too much about him not calling to schedule the pick up of his hunting gear...when the notion strikes him, he'll call. Right now, his focus may be on something else entirely.

Your focus has to be on you for the time being....


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2237557 04/13/12 12:15 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
Thanks for your concern, Snodderly. I'm trying to stay positive and put a plan in place. There's a college close by so you're right...I can get a roommate if need be. A couple of students there board their horses just down the road so it's something that could work out. I've lived on my own (apart from the 3.5 years with H) for 12 years so it would be an adjustment to live with a roommate again, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do, as they say.

I finally heard from H this evening about picking up "a few more things". I laughed out loud when he proposed Saturday night! Seriously! Um, I have plans buddy, sorry. I'm only going to my cousin's to catch up, but he doesn't have to know that. He also suggested Sunday afternoon, which might work if he's quick but I have plans then too. Gotta love being busy!

It's funny...he's always said I need to let him know by Monday about a weekend pick up. I guess he thinks I'm sitting home staring at the walls, although I've told him I'm seldom home on the weekends. At least he's polite and not mean.

Part of me wishes I knew if the homewrecker was still in the picture. I'm not asking him, that's for sure. H's daughter told me a couple of months ago that he's not seeing her anymore, but I wasn't going to have that conversation with her at all or with him unless he brought up our marriage. At the moment, though, if I knew one way or the other it would probably hurt my focus and destabilize me. And it's also possible he's taken up with someone else.

Whatever....it's out of my head as quickly as it pops in. I have much bigger things to think about these days.


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
i fell into the pit of despair again earlier today. not for anything specific that happened, it's just all too much. for the past two days i've felt like i'm carrying around 100 lbs of sand on my back. i don't know if i have any strength left.

h was here with his friend earlier and took all his hunting gear, some camping things and some random crap from the basement. the three of us talked about me needing to find a new job and some of the challenges with that. when friend went downstairs h asked if he could hug me but i said i didn't think it was a good idea. he can't be my consoler and not be in my life (i didn't tell him that part).

i'd been making homemade pita (first time...worked out pretty good but they were a little crispy) and both h and friend were commenting on how good it smelled. when he asked again how it turned out as he was leaving, i asked him if he wanted some. he said he'd like to try it so i gave him a pack with six pieces in it. he took it gladly, unlike earlier in the year when he refused to take some of the bread i baked.

his friend was out in the truck but h kept hanging around mostly just looking at me. then asking me if i'd talked to his daughter, telling me things about her life that i already knew, updated me on her exams. he asked me about whether we'd bottled the wine i'd mentioned last weekend. he told me a musician we both like is playing later this month at a venue we used to go to out here. clearly/oddly he still gets their emails. i just nodded and wasn't sure what to say so just said "oh yeah". he told me he plans to go turkey hunting soon and asked me if i wanted a turkey leg if he gets one. i said i'd take a whole turkey but not a leg. he said he'll try and get two.

when we were wrapping up he said "i'll leave you alone for a while" and then proceeded to tell me about his travel plans with his D next week for funeral related stuff.

it's like he digs through his mind for every single thing he can think of that he knows i'm interested in so that he has something to tell me or ask me. no, it's not "like" that at all. it IS that....that's what he does. but then he continues to move his stuff out. as his presence in this house disappears i feel that he is truly gone from my life, that there is no hope.

as weird as it sounds, i wish our encounters were hostile or awkward or something else negative because it would be easier to take than this. how can we be so comfortable with each other, he so interested in my life, offering up about his (to an extent) yet not want to be with me?

when he finally made his way to leave through the garage he hung around there too. he turned to face me in the doorway behind him and just stood there like he was waiting for me to say something. after a minute or so i said i was just going to close the garage door so he said "oh yeah, don't close it until i'm outside" and left. the tone of the whole encounter was, as usual and especially given my stress levels, perfectly cordial.

what does he want from me? am i giving him the impression that i want to or can be his friend? because i can't, but i don't know how to handle the situation without pushing him further away.

i feel like just saying "h, we aren't friends. i can't be friends with you" but my sense is that it would be a mistake.

i can forget about him saying what's on his mind. he is a man who does not communicate about real issues at all...avoid, avoid, avoid is his mantra.

this job loss thing has made me feel so alone. intellectually i know i have time to find something new that pays enough for me to keep my house, that i'll probably be ok. but emotionally it's just another whack, and my mind jumps right to feeling incredibly alone and just wanting the pain to end. right now every day feels like death by 1000 cuts.

he said he hopes the job search works out, and i said there's no other choice because i can't lose my house this year too. the expression on his face suggested that he realized then and there the weight of things for me.

please, someone, i need insight as to what he's doing with his questions and comments and long goodbyes.


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard