in january she took off her ring and said she wants a divorce. it rocked me to my core. i went into panic mode. trying everything, books,internet, individual counseling, etc.. then i read DR. thank god.
a little background. 3 years ago i lost my job. i'm an electician. state of the economy caused the company i woked for to go out of business. she got a job and i stayed home ith the kids and looked for work. didnt find much. then found out my W and "friend" of mine were up to something. W accused me of having sex with the neighbor. not true. then comes home with OM from the bar and he tells me he is gonna take care of her cuz i cant. didnt go so well..
i found a job in south dakota and moved here. we planned for me to get settled and then move the family. thats what i did. she kept txting OM and then started doing it with her friends brother to. blamed me saying she knew i was cheating on her out here. not true. they moved here. she kept contacting OM's then it seemed to stop. she really just hid it better and fooled me.
i worked on the road and was only homeon the weekends. i hated my job and was not to pleasant to be around on the weekends. plus i drank alot. a job opened in a bigger town and i got transfered. thought this would be great for my family. i got another dui shortly after moving. sat some jail time and i am out on bail right now. been 6 months. she saif i have a drinking problem. i do. i am an alcoholic. i went to treatment and go to meetings.
in january she come home from the bar wasted. told me she wanted a D. thats when i got suspicious. found out she was at a strip club with OM from her work. txting around 4000 times a month. i txt him from her phone and asked him to please leave her alone. i think it has mostly stopped. she cut my access to the phone log tho. no big deal.
i have been doing everything wrong. trying the LR technique and failing miserably. i go to jail for 40 days in less than a month. she is taking the kids and moving out then. she bought my S a bed today. i dont want this at all. i want my family. i love them with all my heart. i know i screwed up.
ok, so. First, sorry your circumstances are as they are. Good that you found your way here.
I think your sitch needs to be processed a bit. The DUI really sux, especially the jail time. That is for sure? ie. Sentencing already brought forth by judge?
There is no reason why DBing can't work for you and possibly save your M... it will take effort... it will take time... and it simply will not be easy...
How old are you? Your wife? Your kids? How long have you been married? Together?
Not sure if you have read through the forums here and seen the "37 rules"? They would be worth looking at and keeping to while you are using LRT.
Your post begins your sitch at 3 years ago, losing your job. What was your life like prior to that? Did you think it was good? Great, even?
Does your W drink a lot as well? As long as you? Do you believe she may also have a drinking problem?
Start with that and others should be along to help support you as well.
How many children do you have and how old are they? Yes, you and your W have some very destructive behaviors going on here. You are an alcoholic and she is acting out as well. Seriously, bringing a guy into your home to disrespect you? Ugh! I think the first thing to do is address your addiction, which I see you are. Good job on that. A clear head will be needed to move forward. Be a good dad to your kids, no matter what their mom is doing. They need a stable role model, so stay strong for them. It kills me to think about the horror they must be witnessing, so turn that around and make them feel safe. They don't need to see both parents flying off the rails. Stop listening to, or defending yourself against her accusations. This is standard WAW spew, or "script." I never ceases to amaze me how far a WAS will go to justify their crappy behavior. Keep posting and don't get discouraged.
Heartbroken...wow, what a story. It appears you definitely need to get yourself straightened out no matter what happens. W sees you as disruptive in her life...even though she's not too stable herself, she's crying out for security and stability. You get yourself on the right path and she'll notice...HollyAnn's advice is right on.
The 37 rules are fantastic but hard...believe me I know. I'm working on myself for myself...and it's what you need to do as well. Stay strong and if you are truly committed, time will heal all wounds...use it wisely.
M: 44 W: 39 D: 16 D: 14 D: 11 M: 17 T: 21 1/2 Bomb: 3/18/12 W contacted mediator: 3/27/12 S since bomb
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
i am really having trouble with the LRT. she will want to talk and sometimes do stuff as a family. she asks me what i think of the beds she is buying for the kids. i dont want to think about it. it gets me in a funk thinking about losing them. they love me. i am a great dad. my D comes out to the couch everymorning early and cuddles with me. my S does the same thing at night. they dont do this with my W. My D bday was on Saturday. she said a few times "i dont want mom to come". this hurts me also cuz she is a great mom, just not so much right now.
we havent had sex since 10/11. the thought of separation scares me so much. EA is one thing. i dont know if i would ever take he back if she is sleeping with someone. im worried what this is going to do to my kids. they deserve so much better.
GAL isnt going so well either. i work 50 hrs a week. i get the kids ready for school, drop them off, pick them up, take them to sports, cook supper, get them ready for bed, put them to bed. i also have my aa meetings that i am squeezing in twice a week. to be fair my W is a full time student and works full time. she hasnt been to class in a long time tho. she shuts hersef in the bedroom to do "homework" at night. i bring the kids in to say goodnite and she is txting doing no homework. she is lost and it hurts to see her like this. she isnt the girl i fell in love with. i have a big part to play in this. since she turned 30 stuff has been downhill. my dui just hurried up everything i think.
i am going to keep being the best dad i can be. my kids deserve it. this is all so hard. how do i put on a happy face when i feel like throwing up all the time?
so she texted me today.. somethin that didnt deserve a reply so i didn't. it is so hard not to respond though.
last night after i got the kids to sleep i was getting ready to go for a run. this is something i havent done in a long time. W asked what are you doing? i told her. she looked at me all crazy and asked why? didnt respond. went for my run. only 1.5 miles but i enjoyed mysef! i got home and she told me i looked disgusting. oh well. going again tonight.
ok so ive replied a bunch and nothing shows up. i must be doin somethin wrong. i will keep trying.
i am scared of the separation. W says she needs time to heal. im not sure what that means and she wont tell me. i am trying the LRT and failing miserably. she knows exactly what to say to get me mad. i try not to, but when she says she is taking the kids and i wont see them i lose it. they are my center. i am a great dad and my kids always want to do stuff with me, not her so much. she is a good mom, but as of late has not been. she blames me and i understand. i dont agree but i understand.
i am going to be more healthy. im running again. i am going to my aa meetings and doing everything i can to stay sober. i really like where i am at with that. i keep reading books and stuff.
Stop believing anything she says right now. Remember, it's just standard WAW spew. What makes you think any court would allow her to "take" the kids away from you? See an attorney about your rights and that should calm some of your fears. If she gets too wigged out, go back to the attorney and get a separation/custody agreement put in place. This is for you and your kids' protection.
thats good advice hollyann.. she has said we should have a custody agreement in her more rational times. last night after arguing all day cuz i asked her to look at this book "should i stay or should i go" we actually talked for bout an hour. the book is about "controlled separation". i have been telling her for weeks that im ok with a separation, if there is a goal in mind. she read some of the stuff and the sample contract. she told me to write somethin up and maybe she would agree.. sounds like a step in the right direction i think.
one thing that has really been getting to me is her texting. all day, all night. when i'm talking to her or the kids are, she igores us for our phone. for some reason i always ask who is so important. then she accuses me of being controlling. cheeseless tunnel and 180 material i know. it is so hard to not ask. it is so rude and disrespectfull.
on the brighter side, i met with my sponsor from aa. he said when he got sober his wife was alot the same way. alot of thei problems slowly went away the longer he stayed sober and worked on himself. that gave me some hope
feeling hopeless again. how do i stop "pursuing". how do i stop caring? how do i stop trying to fix this? i suck at the LRT. how do i concentrate on myself. i feel guilty when i worry about me. i feel selfish. help.
okay...this [censored].. i'm laying on the couch and i can hear my wife sobbing in the bedroom. what do i do? i want to go hold her, be there for her. i just dont want to make her more mad at me...
ok..i am really bad at this. saw a letter W wrote to herself about OM. told her if this was going to continue i was done. i can't live like this. she kept blocking the door so i couldnt leave. put her hands on me to stop me from leaving. she begged me not to contact him. i wouldnt promise it so she called the cops. they came and asked what happened. we told them the same thing. then they asked if i wanted her taken to jail. what she did was assault and could be kidnapping i guess. she was dumbfounded. told them i was fine. she is begging me to believe her. i told her as much as i want to, i dont trust her. i might as well give up. stuff just goes so wtong...
okay..so since my last post, my W wantedme to come home to talk. she just yelled at me and shut down. then stormed out. i hung out for a bit then went for a drive. comin home and she was leaving the house. she pulled over and i talked to her for a minute, then she took off. i went home. my computer, my journals and my love dare book were gone. i tried callin and txt her. nothin. so i went to see the father at my church. he was nice to talk to..had some good insight. after i went home and there she was. i asked for my stuff. she gave me everything but my love dare book. i asked where it was. she said she gave it to a battered womens shelter. wtf! did she forget she almost went to jail today for assault? i have never hit her! why would they need it anyway? to see how much i love and care for her?
to make a long story short, after my S baseball game she was sitting on my bumper. told the kids she was staying at a hotel because i keep fighting with her. whatever. why do i try? why do i care? love hurts
Hmmm passive agressive much? Next time she pulls something like that, I would tell her quite frankly that the items were your private property and she had no right to do that. Then I would have called the cops and had her arrested for theft.
Right now it's unpredictable what your W is going to do. She could find some way to twist things around so that it sounds like you assaulted her. Watch your back.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
i told her calmly that those were my things. i want them back. i'm not sure if im passive aggressive. i dont know alot tho. she can try all she wants to twist it. it won't work. i'm a good man. that much i know.
i really am having a hard time with this. it is killin me. my kids cryin cause mom wasnt coming home. she is a good mom. has been a great wife too. she was my best friend. i let my drinking get in the way of being a great husband. i guess i deserve it. i still don't see how she thinks stuff was so bad. everything is negative to her. i guess it makes it easier.
my father at church told me to stop trying to fix it. just be here for my kids and listen to her whenever she wants to talk. kinda like DBing i guess. i am so lost.
"it won't work. i'm a good man. that much i know."
This is real naive thinking. Sorry. There have been alot of 'good men' on here who believed the way you do and were shocked when their WAS had them thrown in jail. My W is the sweetest person in the world, but she threatened to call the cops on me for "withholding our kids". Protect yourself first.
"i still don't see how she thinks stuff was so bad."
It doesn't matter if you didn't see it. The point is that she did. Just because you've gotten an epiphany now doesn't erase years of abuse. She's afraid of being stuck in that old life and you really haven't given her any reason to believe otherwise. It takes alot of trust to earn back her trust.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You betrayed her trust by drinking and disregarding her feelings to begin with. For women, that's a big thing. Forget about the craziness around her now, what way can you exhibit trustworthiness when you're with her?
She needs to get to the point where she feels safe with you again in order for her to drop her guard. That's the goal you're trying to achieve.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
you hit the nail on the head with that. my drinking betrayed her trust.
as far as getting that back...idk.. i'm going to my aa meetings, did treatment, havent drank, i'm going to church. i am very serious about my sobriety. i think it scares her in a way.
i'm looking at her like an addiction now. let go and let god. i cant change her, only myself. it is so discouraging tho. sobriety is alot eaier for me right now.
court in 45 mins for my dui. hope it goes well. W just txt me to meet her there at 10 to make some changes to our temp custody agreement. she stole it out of my truck last night. i need to stay calm and nice.
thank you. court went ok. have to sit 29 days in jail, with work release. W was not nice at all. no surprise there. i managed to stay calm. she still yelled. whatever. told her the next time she takes my stuff im callin the cops. didnt go over well.
im worried about my kids. i report to jail by may 24th. job might be on the line cuz i cant travel due to custody issues. oh well. my kids are more important
-is it appropriate for married people of the opposite sex to be friends?
-when does being friends cross the line?
-what does "just friends" mean?
-if my W doesnt wear her ring, should i?
anyway.. been a pretty miserable day. went to an aa meeting. that was good. reminded me how much of a moron i am. why dont i treat this like my alcoholism? i need too. my quote i live by with aa is "misery is optional". that can apply to this too.
she was home when i got back. hasnt left. actin kinda nice. said her place wont be ready till the 15th. the way shes acting scares me. i think she is up to something. just dont know what. im gonna act as if im fine too. who knows? it could turn out good.
No matter how difficult something you or a loved one faces, it should not take over your life and be the center of all your interest. Challenges are growth experiences, temporary scenes to be played out on the background of a pleasant life. Don’t become so absorbed in a single event that you can’t think of anything else or care for yourself or for those who depend upon you. Remember, much like the mending of the body, the healing of some spiritual and emotional challenges takes time.
ok...so W is still talking to OM. thats all i know about. she said she is "taking care of it". i've heard that before. she hasn't. she still continues this communication. i told her this morning if it continues i am filing for divorce. i am not threatening either. i can not deal with this kind of thing. i will never be able to look at her the same way, knowing she is purposefully choosing a married guy over her H and kids. i have been trying my best to stay positive. it isnt going so well.
i think she is up to something. i am scared she is going to take the kids. i have no idea what to do right now. i am so confused. i feel like i shouldnt have said if it continues im filing. that is how i feel, deep down. i said it with no emotion. i dont have any left. i am numb.
i really need some help. any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated
Speak to the head of your church first for spiritual strength, then talk to a L ASAP. Find out what your rights are and be sure you mention how you are afraid she is going to do something to paint you in a bad light. Protect yourself and your kids.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
i have spoken to my father. he is helping me with my spiritual stuff. he is praying for us. he is also very optimistic.
As far as a L.. i don't even know where to begin? do u have to pay them for your first initial visit?
Should i not have set my boundries with her? i felt right doin it, but now i am regreting it. i dont want to push her any farther. it doesnt seem like anything i do even slows her down tho. i feel doomed
Speak to the head of your church first for spiritual strength, then talk to a L ASAP. Find out what your rights are and be sure you mention how you are afraid she is going to do something to paint you in a bad light. Protect yourself and your kids.
This^^^ and then do something for yourself. You sound like you need an emotional break. No matter how small, is their something you enjoy doing for you? Do you exercise? Go for a walk w/ some music or take 45 minutes to do something to try to take your mind off the sitch.
Even if you have to force yourself at first, you have to find things to do or you will remain stuck focusingobsessing over your w. I know because I have been there.
yeah.. i've been trying to do stuff for myself. i'm workin out for bout 20 mins and running for about 20 mins a nite. i go to aa meetings 2 times a week. that stuff seems to be helping. i'm just so wore out. not knowing what is going on is takin its toll. i'm a fixer i guess, but i'm not tryin to fix her. i hope she does that for herself. i am working on me and have been since january. i have a long way to go, but i see some improvements. i like that.
not pursuing is so hard. i dont want to come off as cold, and that would make stuff worse. one of her biggest complaints about me when i drank is, i didnt pursue basically. i didnt really involve myself to much with her. i dont know. i'm so lost
"As far as a L.. i don't even know where to begin? do u have to pay them for your first initial visit?"
Call around for a consult. Many will offer a free initial consult and there may be some free legal aid societies around. But you have to start by calling. Maybe AA knows someone.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
-is it appropriate for married people of the opposite sex to be friends?
No. Not if it is just one on one. Each couple is fully engaged in the "friendship" or forget it.
-when does being friends cross the line?
When you do things that you wouldn't want your spouse to know about.
-what does "just friends" mean?
It usually means that someone is lying about the...uh... Friendship"
-if my W doesnt wear her ring, should i?
That is up to you. I took mine off immediately because it felt so wrong and uncomfortable to feel bonded to an infidel. Ick!!
anyway.. been a pretty miserable day. went to an aa meeting. that was good. reminded me how much of a moron i am. why dont i treat this like my alcoholism? i need too. my quote i live by with aa is "misery is optional". that can apply to this too.
she was home when i got back. hasnt left. actin kinda nice. said her place wont be ready till the 15th. the way shes acting scares me. i think she is up to something. just dont know what. im gonna act as if im fine too. who knows? it could turn out good.
Be very careful around your w. It is not unusual for them to manipulate you into a "fight" and then scream "rape" or "abuse." You are wise to be scared of her.
thank you for your opinions. that's basically how i feel. my W tells me im controlling and psychotic for my views on her "friendships". its kinda funny though, cus 1 time she did say she would be pissed if i was doing the same thing. oh well, she has to have her way or no way. i'm so done trying to talk about it. i don't have the energy anymore.
last night she did our separation agreement. one of the conditons is there will be no dating or communicating with members of the opposite sex. she wasn't to happy, but she agreed. i told her i will have no way of knowing if she is doing it, so i am trusting her to uphold her end. i have every intention of doing my part. we will see. maybe she will work on her issues. i really hope so. this is so hard for me. i'm trying to stay positive thinking about positive outcomes.
today was actually an ok day. i was able to be polite to my W. not happy and cheerful, but not crabby either. i thought i was doing good. she asked if i could have dinner made by 6 so she could eat before her alanon meeting. had it done and waited till almost 6:20 to eat. she comes in at 6:40. no call.. oh well. didnt go to her meeting either. started feeling a little crabby so i took the kids to the park to play. i had a great time! =)
she's not home and for some reason i don't care. kids want her but they are distracted now. i need to keep doing this. just writing about it makes me wonder where she is at and what she is doin..uuggghh.
I don't get it. She steals your stuff. Takes things out of your car. Threatens to take the children away from you. Is seeing another guy. And you made her dinner? You don't reward bad behavior.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
i know.. wtf is wrong with me? i would make it anyway for my kids. tryin to help so she can go to al anon meetings. stupid i know.
what do u suggest? there is a big part of me lookin forward to our separation. she will see just how easy she has it now. probably resent me for awhile. oh well. i want us to work. i choose to love my wife. kinda feel like a doormat sometimes.
my run went good tonight though. 2 miles in 13:39..not to bad for not runnin forever.
Heart-You are early in the rollercoaster ride and your emotions sure still strong, I know I was the same way and still working on my triggers.
Being compassionate and not a doormat is a fine line. Don't put up with the stuff that is going on like Mr. Bond has pointed out.
All you can control is you. GAL and focus on your kids. Listen to the veterans around here they will steer you straight if you listen and decide what best for you.
Hang in there and you are not alone. We are all in this together.
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
snowman- thanks for the advice. it is a fine line. i'm still trying to figure it out, you are right.
bond- i've been thinking the same thing. i txt her today and told her when she gets off work we have things to settle. didnt say what, but it's about money. she thinks she gets more than her share and that just isnt happening. she txt me back and told me i havent been available to talk to. so maybe i'm getting better at GAL. i do want to stop enabling her. i know that is what i'm doing. i'm a cook, chauffer, babysitter, housekeeper and handyman. except i'm to dumb to get paid. i'm sick of being treated like this and letting myself get treated like this. i need to be very careful i don't say this to her the wrong way. she has a tendency to misunderstand and then call the cops. oh well, she thinks she gets to go start this rosy new life and leave me stuck holding the bag. i'm this close to emptying the bank account
my wife came home late and wanted to vent about her bad day at work. i listened and tried to empathize. i didn't offer advice or try to "fix" anything. then she wanted to "talk". she yelled at me and said a bunch of hurtful stuff. i stayed calm. told her i'm sorry she feels that way. i understand. the past is the past and i am moving forward. i know she is hurting and i'm sorry for that. she yelled some more and went to bed. i couldn't sleep. usually i cry after something like this. no tears came.
am i starting to detach? am i doin the right things? i dont know. i am getting the feeling this isn't going to work out. i fear i have pushed her to far trying to "fix" this. it's been 5 months almost, and i see no improvement. she moves out in 2 weeks. i go to jail soon. maybe this time apart will be good. i don't know. i'm scared. i know that
Um wow...our situations really do seem eerily similar. W was out with other hens last night playing bunko up the street. Came home and we started talking...she paused and said just b/c we were talking doesn't mean anything has gotten better. She then proceeded to tell me that she's so angry with me about her parents that she wanted to run over me with our car. nice huh?
Anyway, you did the right thing...stayed calm and didn't let your emotions take over. perhaps that is why she reacted that way? the fact that no tears came says that you're in fact probably beginning to detach yourself. keep it up!
lmao..a car huh? i've heard that among other things.. maybe they are long lost sisters or something =). i don't know how to reach her, so i think i'm done trying.. scary thing is i find myself planning for what i'm going to do after the D. then i get all wierd and want to "fix". probably need to just let go. i don't want my kids to grow up in a split family. doesn't seem to be anyything i can do about it tho. from alot of research and talking to others, it seems alot of women turn 30 and start questioning where their lives are going. happened for me. i could be way off. just an observation.
i think you are right about the staying calm thing. i think it pissed her off even more when she didn't get a rise out of me. she tries very hard to say the thing she knows hurt me the most. i'm not taking the bait anymore. at least thats my goal.
she makes me sick. she ignores everybody to txt on her phone. kids ask her stuff and she doesnt even hear them. i ask her something and i might as well talk to a wall. has time for whoever is on that end of the phone. not her family. does nothing for the kids anymore. then has the nerve to say its my fault.
i dont want to even be around her now. i still love her, but am sick of being treated like this. this isnt getting any better. seems to be getting alot worse. i find myself hardening my heart. im thinking more and more about giving up and thats not like me. a real crappy 180 if you ask me.
she says i get $500 of our money. she needs the rest to set up a life with the standard of living that the kids are used to. but i wont even be able to pay my rent, so where does that leave the kids. wtf!!!! no wonder divorce sometimes sounds good.. uuugggghhhh!!!!!!!!
HB - The frustration you are feeling is totally understandable. The world and your emotional stability has been yanked out from underneath your feet and you are hurting, badly.
In order for you to survive this ordeal and possibly save your marriage, you are going to have to do some things that will seem opposite to what you think you should do.
You have already demonstrated that you understand the value of validation and listening. Do more of that. Repeat back what she is saying so that she know you are listening. Empathize with her position on things. When she starts to yell and spew vile comments at you, calmly tell her that you are happy to listen but you will not be spoken to in that way and if it continues you will walk away.
This is setting a boundary of respect and you must enforce that boundary. Don't do it in a way that confrontational. Just tell her what you expect and follow through.
The emotional torment you are experiencing is very painful. I've been there and continue to experience it to this day. The only way to muscle through the pain is to detach emotionally from your W's actions and hurtful comments. It is not easy but it is possible. Getting a life away from the pain is part of the solution. Your exercising and running is a good start. But you need to find other things to occupy your time and your mind. You AA meetings and time with your Church are also helpful.
Have you read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting yet? If not, please do so, as soon as possible. If money is short, you can probably find a copy at a used book store.
It is good that you are posting frequently on the forum. Continue to do so. The more you post, the more help you will receive from other forum members. I would also encourage you to read up on other posters situations. There is a ton of wisdom that even if not directly provided to you, can be of help to you and that you can learn from. Make the most of the information available and you will find that you will be better able to weather this storm.
Wishing you all the best. Hang in there!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
One other thing. The texting that is driving you nuts is totally understandable. My W did the same thing and it was infuriating! When you think you can do this in a way that will achieve the desired result, consider telling your W that her texting in front of you or the kids is disrespectful and you would like for her to stop. This is setting another boundary. She may ignore you but she will at least respect that you are taking a stand on something that is important to you.
Oh, what meaningful 180 are you working on? What has she told you were behaviors that she objected to and what are you doing about it?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
yes i have DR. read it twice through and different parts everyday. my 180 is to stop asking questions. going horriby. she asks me stuff all the time. gets mad when i am vague. wont answer anything i ask, no matter the subject. i read alot of other posts. you are so right about the wisdom here. GAL is so hard. i take care of the kids all the time. thats why i dont understand her sayin she will fight me for custody. she doesnt seem to want much to do with them at the moment. once we separate im supposed to have 1 week with the kids 1 week without.. maybe then i can do other stuff. it [censored] cuz my kids are my world. i definitely will do something. been entertainin the idea of training for mma.
your advice is spot on. thank you. especially with the texting. it is so disrespectful and drives me nuts
Hi, My life was turned upside down on FEB 14. Without knowing it I've been doing the 180... My gosh it is hard when you also share a business with your spouse.
FEB 14 I ask my H what was wrong and he told me he didn't love me anymore. Crash & Burned my heart. He told me that he was unhappy and started to cry. First reaction on my end was all the usually stuff, am I not attractive anymore, I'm I too old (I'm 8 years older then my H). He did tell me I was his best friend. And I cried and got pissed off. He asked me if he should leave and promised to take care of me and my son. Holy Crap. I walked away for a few minutes so I wouldn't say something off the cuff. Dusted myself off went to sleep, transferred myself onto the sofa and couldnt sleep a wink that night and met him at work like I have been doing for the last 20 years. We had light conversation for days, didn't question him about his feelings or spoke of mine. After a few nights of getting his back in bed I took the initiative. he seemed fine with that. I really missed him.
We have 14S together and a 26D who he raised from my first marriage. We both were married once before.
Our business takes my H on the road. He has been in France for the past two wks. For the bus. The night before he left I took a room at a hotel because I was either going to cry or scream at him. Friday (13) night I made arrangements for my son so I could be with H alone. When I called him to give him the good news he blurted out No! I was so hurt and it blew me away! I had a few drinks and spoke to him on the phone calmly Later " I am not a drinker and I got toasted" on two drinks. I am not sure what I said, no crying for sure. He told me he had a bad day and wanted to be alone. He always stays a the same hotel for a show we do every month, for years. Yes, I thought he may have been with someone. Before this show he was in Texas for business for about two weeks. This was after FEB 14. When he does these shows the other guys are divorce and are players and braggers, so it hit me that maybe this is MLC. The grass is green on the other side.
Anyway he is due home this week. we spoke the day he left and he was sweet and told me he understood why I didn't want to be home the night before he left. He text me from the AP and told me where his car was parked (always assuming I know what to do). He has called, but not often as he use and no I love you's, just once babe. I haven't said I love you either. I'm always the one to say it first anyway.
He's been buying himself nice gifts and not sharing the details until later on.
I'm picking him up at the AP this week, I don't know whether to do it on my own or take our son too. I'm nervous about how to act. The normal BS how was your trip, you must be beat.... I definitely won't bring "us" up but do I ever? Or months down the road. I did ask him when we spoke before the flight if he was returning back to the house when he returned and he said,"where else would I go?
I am so emotionally drained and confused. trust me I give him space,,, maybe too
today is another day. still feel sick. don't want to look at her. went to church with just the kids. they were horrible. no peace there. then laundry, grocery shopping and soon a pool party for my D. no help from the W. she has homework. instead of doing it fri or sat she wanted to go have drinks then talk on the phone all day. somehow its my fault it isnt done. oh well. getting used to being a scapegoat.
i fear i am turning into a WAS. i don't care a whole lot anymore. i feel broken. at the store there were couples shopping together looking happy. i just wanted to leave. probably forgot a bunch of stuff. i am not in a good mood and everything is getting to me. uuuggghh. i just want to sleep
i feel for you. you are in a tough spot. i can understand the confusion. i just keep reading DR and coming to this site. there is alot of wisdom here. alot of compassionate people too. i have no idea what i'm doing so i post here for feedback.
Merlot - Sorry you are hurting. I don't want us to hijack Heartbroken's thread so you should consider starting a thread of your own so that you can get your story out there and receive individual attention. Just click the "New Topic" button on the main newcomers page and start your thread there.
I'll be on the lookout for your thread.
Take care.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
so..the pool party was depressing. families with their kids. then theres just me with mine. felt like people were staring. probably weren't, just me being paranoid. kids were tired all day. i am looking forward to bed time in 10 mins. then i can have some peace. if the W leaves me alone. she is asking me questions right now. oh well.
i dont know if i'm detaching. i feel sad all the time, but i feel like nothing matters anymore. concerning my W anyway. my kids matter. i am not looking forward to only having them every other week. they are my world. my W keeps saying she might start dating if the opportunity comes up. she isn't looking though. its in our separation agreement that no dating is allowed. makes me sick. i wonder if she says it to me to get me mad. i have told her if she dates or has contact with OM we are through. i mean it 100%. i have forrgiven as much as i can. i would never be able to deal with it.
HB - You need to ignore her comments, she is trying to get a rise out of you. Keep your focus on your kids and off your W. Let her go now. The better you are at truly detaching the better off you will be emotionally. And, if your W has any interest in working on the M, it will come about because you have detached.
I asked you before about your 180's and all you said was that you were keeping your mouth shut. Really? That's it? If you hope to reconcile your M you are going to have to do much better than that. What were your W's complaints. Think about this for awhile.
What has she said makes her unhappy? I would think drinking would be part of it, but what else? Unless and until you can be honest with yourself about the role you played in the demise of your M, you don't stand a chance of ever getting close to the point of working things out with your W.
You are going to have to dig deep. And the sooner, the better because this is going to be a long, hard slog for you.
So what are you going to do?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
start digging! she said i was rude to the kids. i would yell at them. i havent yelled at them for about 4 months now. its nice. i don't respect her. that one i'm way confused on. if i disagree im not respecting. drinking is a big one and that is a 180 im putting my all into. she said im controlling. i grill her over everything. that is a hard one for me. i'm trying not to grill her. then she grills me and i slip back into old behaviors. i really have some work to do there. those are the ones off the top of my head. i will continue to think on it.
thanks for your insight. you have given me alot to think about. i appreciate it.
okay..another day. i'm glad it is monday. work to do. i cant get the nagging feeling out of my head that she is still talking and doing whatever with the OM. how do i deal with this? i've tried being understanding but it isnt working. she says they are just friends. do i believe her? how? do i talk to him in person? she really really doesnt want me to. she called the cops on me for saying i was going to last week. i don't understand. she says she could lose her job because of it. probably should have thought about that before is how i think. how do i deal with a possible/probable affair? i kinda just want to walk away. i have told her there will be no "us" if this continues. good or bad idea? i need help
You need to become a man only a fool would leave. How do you do that? By getting a hold of your emotions, detaching from your W and her choices, get a life doing things that make you happy and take your mind off your sitch, spend time with your kids doing things that are fun and will create lasting memories. Establish and maintain healthy boundaries.
There's ^^^^ your answer!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
2thepoint is on point as usual, totally agree with him.
I don't give advice much as I'm still learning, but when people start talking affairs and cops that's my area of expertise so I wanted to chime in. If you enjoy action/comedies take a look at my sitch sometime lol.
Whatever you were thinking about corresponding/visiting/thinking about this OM, stop and don't. This will only further fuel your W anger and if she's already called the cops could easily land you in jail. Trust me I know in that I ended up there after putting myself face to face with the OM after he wouldn't respond to my calls or emails.
There is nothing you can do aside from what 2thepoint suggested to change this. My wife told me directly months ago that had I backed off our situation would be totally different, I truly believe that. I went off the deep end and it got me nowhere and very well could have cost me marriage, don't make the same mistake.
Keep your wits about you and make yourself the man only a fool would leave. Good luck!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
thank you for your help. thats why i post here. to learn. backing off i need to do. i dont know why i cant. the thoughts eat me up i guess. any ideas on how to set boundries?
didn't initiate any contact today. she called after i picked up the kids and asked what we were having for supper. i said i didnt know. i would figure it out when the kids and i get back from the park. W said she had tutoring to do and would be home around 7. still not here and i dont really care. my schedule is not going to revolve around her. when she says jump..i will, if i feel like it. she still hasnt signed our separation agreement or custody agreement. kinda wierd. oh well. had fun at the park with the kids.
anyone have any ideas on a healthy way to set boundries. i'm sick of the arguing and being yelled at, thats for sure.
"W keeps saying she might start dating if the opportunity comes up. she isn't looking though. its in our separation agreement that no dating is allowed."
How in the world do you intend to enforce this? Is this actually something your L came up with? There is no way this is enforceable. And what happens if she is seeing someone? What would actually happen to her as a consequence?
"when she says jump..i will, if i feel like it. "
Wrong wrong wrong. That's why she feels she can walk all over you. When she says jump, you leave for having her speak so disrespectfully to you. No more putting up with her yelling. Start putting your foot down.
If she wants to leave, let her. So far your strategy isn't working. It's time to do something else. She's acting like she's much better than you. Start demanding respect from her. Not by begging her for it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
once again,i agree with you. i am starting to put my foot down. i meant if i feel like it. and right now i really really dont. i'm trying to find the balance between detaching and being an a$$hole. i am not begging. i am telling her there is no reason to yell. when she continues i walk away. she sayss im abusive. i think its the other way around. i'm trying to get back to the old me. i never used to put up with this stuff. it makes me sick, the stuff i do now. i think that the more i try to detach the more i feel like im giving up. and maybe thats what im doing. giving up on fixing the un-fixable. she has alot of work to do. that is up to her. i know i have alot to do also. 1. stay sober 2. gain my self respect back 3. be a great dad 4. accept the things i cannot change. no matter what she decides, i need to stay on that track or all my dominoes will fall. im beginning to see there is nothing i can do when it comes to her. i have to worry about myself.
i appreciate your feedback and the time you have taken involving my sitch. thanks
well.. i set some boundries tonight. told her i wasnt putting up with her crap anymore. i did it in a calm collected manner. i feel better. not so much like a doormat anymore.
How hard are you working your program? As vero said, get a sponsor if you don't have one. This early in your sobriety, a good sponsor will be your best guide.
Have you read The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
i told her what she does is up to her. if she wants to date fine, i will file for divorce. i refuse to be treated like that. if she wants to yell, she will be yelling to herself because i wont be there. if she wants to call the cops on me for disagreeing, fine, i will file. i am not her little b.tch and she cannot treat me that way. she didnt know what to say and i left it at that.
labug- i have a sponsor. i am seriously working my program. i go to meeting 2 times a week and meet with my sponsor 1 a week. i have not read that book. should i?
i dont know if what i said was DBin about my limits. i dont really care at this point. i will continue to work on myself but im so done puttin up with her drama. any feedback would be helpful.
i dont know if what i said was DBin about my limits. i dont really care at this point. i will continue to work on myself but im so done puttin up with her drama. any feedback would be helpful.
What you described above is exactly right as far as setting boundaries. Notice her reaction. The key for you now is to enforce those boundaries while keeping very "cool".
Good job!
PS any suggested reading is worthy of looking in to. You want to make yourself as attractive to the world as possible. Anything you do to work on YOU is worth it!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
i always appreciate your feedback. thanks for the support. stayin cool has always been the hard part. it seems to be getting easier. kinda apathetic almost. i know what she is gonna say before she says it most of the time. it isn't bothering me so much. i've kinda heard it all before. i feel very strong about my oundries. i would like to say that if she dated other people or whatever, i would still be here for her. i've come to realize that i could never do that. i will always love her, but i would never be able to deal with that. if somebody else is more important than her family thats fine. i refuse to set that kind of example for my kids. i don't want them growing up thinking that kind of behavior is ok.
about the reading. i will definitely read it. i understand stuff alot better when i can re and re-read things. i've read so much lately. it's nice and something i enjoy. sometimes i wish the material wasn't so serious. =)
thanks for your feedback. i know i havent always respected her boundries. alot of them i didnt know existed. that is my fault and i do understand her anger. i know i have alot of work to do. i wouldnt be here if i thought otherwise. and yes it is sad for my kids. my alcoholism really got in the way of things. i am not the stereotypical drunk. i functioned properly everyday. not emotionally however. i am not minimizing my prob at all. it is very real and serious. i am doing everything to change it. i wasnt always there for her emotionally like she needed. i am not socially normal i guess. i spent my teenage years incarcerated for behavior issues. i have learned from my mistakes. i mean to be the husband she deserves. i get why she is a WAW. i accept that. the cheating i dont. that is why i am here. to figure out how to be a man any woman would be a fool to leave. i know i can do it.
You are doing the right thing. You have to keep in mind that while you weren't in the best shape to battle your alcoholism before, you are beating it now. It doesn't give her any reason to go ape sh*t on you though. That is her personal choice to act that way.
Don't let her diminish your hard earned changes.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
i know i have a hard road ahead. i question it everyday. i am so sad for my kids. i let them down. i feel like a failure. they are so important to me. i am doing everything i can to be a good father. i am scared how this separation/divorce is going to affect them. they deserve a happy family. we were once. we can be again. i am going to do everything i can. if my W doesn't want to do things, thats her deal. i'm wondering if maybe the after the LRT is more for me. i have pulled back alot. i have set my boundries. they seem to mean nothing to her. idk. i am so confused. if i had money i would get a DB coach. oh well. we will see what the separation brings. if she thinks she can go act like a single lady, thats what she will be. i cannot put up with bar hopping and dating/sex whatever. i wish i could say no matter what, i would be there for her. i can't.
bond- thanks again. its good to hear someone thinks i am doing good. there is nothing she could do to ruin my sobriety. that is important to me, because I WANT IT. no other reason. i am trying to stay positive with her, but everyday i feel more and more like giving up.
Boundaries are put in place for a reason, to protect you. If she can't abide your boundaries that's her choice but you have to be ready to enforce them.
A failure doesn't get up and try to make their life better, they stay on the ground and cry victim. Doesn't seem like that's what you're doing.
Kids need stability and to feel safe. Make that happen.
Did you grow up in an alcoholic home?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
i did not grow up in an acoholic home. my parents are still happily married. i have good values because of them. they are my only support right now. my W is from a divorced family. in my opinion her M and SD don't show much for love and support. same with her D and SM. she is always trying to prove to them how good she is. they are fully in favor of her leaving me. her SD has said he is going to shoot me. 2nd time that has happened. \ tonight was miserable so far. kids told me they are happy mom is kicking me out. all because i asked them to clean up their mess. goin to my aa meeting.. aagghhh. at least i will have peace there
Think about it this way. When you were in the thick of drinking, you didn't care about what other people thought. You just wanted your fix. And when you didn't get it, then you would fly off the handle and get pissed at anyone who would get between you and the bottle.
Now your wife is where you were. She was/is addicted to someone else and is pissed that you stand between her and that. Her actions probably mimicked alot of your own when you were at your worst.
Put yourself in her shoes. When you were at your worst, what (if even) could any one have done to get through to you? Use that knowledge.
If you feel that there's nothing that would've made you turn around and that only you could make things better, then you also understand what your W might be going through. Use that knowledge to reach her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
thank you. that is a good way to put it. i have been trying to put myself in her shoes. it took me losing eveything to see what i was doing. i believe if my wife wouldnt have took off her ring, theres a good chance i would drink again. i thought she was done becausse of my drinking. then i find out about the OM. i think my drinking is a big part. i was never abusive or spent money we didnt have on it. i was just not there emotionally i guess. i drank because i didnt like myself. then i didnt like myself more, so i drank more...vicious cirle. i want her in my life so bad. it hurts to see what i have done. it hurts to see her hurt. i really love my W with all my heart. i dont know what it will take to show her. especially with no puruing.
she asked me tonight to write down the things she has done to make me unhappy. do i do it?
i that is a good way to put it. i dont want her to feel blamed. i will do it that way. i have asked her to write a list for me. about 1.5 weeks ago. i am so confused over how i have hurt her. i know the emoptional stuff. alot of what she blames me for i feel is the things she does. half the stuff she yells at me for, i have never done. maybe its the way i approach things. idk. thats why i asked her for a list. she has been telling me i should just know. i dont. it makes me feel like a moron. maybe she will write it for me tonight. who knows.
today was ok i guess. i think about her all the time. i didnt contact her. i think that isnt working well. she likes to be pursued. i have done the love dare 1.5 times. she told me it just pushed her farther away. i dont know what she wants/needs from me
I'm sure you've heard from you sponsor or elsewhere that when newly sober it's a bad idea to get into a new R. And that's what you are trying to do, get a new R with you W.
You may not be able to do that now.
Keep putting you b#tt in a chair.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
i have heard that and never thought about it like that. lol.. my life is so messed up. im sober now and cant be with my wife..uughh. the irony. guess my butt will stay in a chair. work on myself. i wonder when i can date again. nobody ever tells me that. maybe she will want to come back to me. that would be a dream come true
thats the hope. i feel a little bit better setting boundries. not so much like a doormat. my running is goin good. i feel better when i do that. sleep still doesnt come. maybe it will. i do want myself back. i miss myself. i know i am not a bad person. no matter whatmy W says. she will see changes in me. whether she likes them or not..we will see. im still miserable everyday. i feel some peace at my aa meetings. that is good. im still so confused
yes, people tried to change me. i always did a little changing, but not all the way. i now know what i need to do and am taking the steps to get there. i know i cant fix my W. she has to do that. my fear is that she isnt going to do that. i know its a fear, not a sure thing. stinking thinking. i am so worried all the time. i am detaching. i know that. i dont know if im doing it in a good way. i keep having the urge to go see a lawyer. i dont know why. i am GAL. i am not pursuing very much if at all. if i txt my W during the day, its about the kids. i dont ask where she is going or where she has been. when she tries to tell me, i tell her i dont care. do whatever you want. thats probably not good, its how i feel though. that scares me. fear is taking over my life. fear and apathy towards her. i dont like it. i want to stay married but am having a really hard time staying positive.
today i have my chance to really detach. my W is going to her parents for the weekend and not takin the kids. i dont think she is even going to say goodbye to them. i plan on no contact at all. if she wants to talk she can call me. i am going to have fun with my kids. S has a baseball game tonight. that will be fun. if she doessn't want to be a part of our life its fine. it is her loss
well, W never said bye to the kids. she called around 8 and i just gave the phone to the kids. we went to S baseball game. it was fun. she didnt tell him good luck or ask how the game went. oh well.
this morning D5 was asking where mom was. i told her. she then asked why mom is moving. i told her cuz we dont get along. she asked if she has to live with her. i told her yes, every other week. she started to cry. she doesnt understand and it breaks my heart. she is a daddy's girl. im feeling really crappy right now.
havent contacted W. dont plan on it. dont even know if she made it there safe. i wonder if she will call the kids tonight. more and more i feel i am going to turn into a WAS. is that possible. can the LBS do that. or is that just plain and simple, giving up? i dont know. i dont see alot of hope for my family. i am going to be the best dad and person i can be. i really dont think it will matter to my W. i feel like the family i know can be great again, never will be.
Mindreading never works and usually makes things worse because you can come up with all kinds of negative scenarios.
Think about what you can do, because she will do whatever she does. You have no control of that, so let it go. You know the Serenity Prayer, use it. Often.
Work on you.
About your kids, I hope you told them that mom and dad having difficulties is in no way their fault. Kids will sometimes feel that they are the cause. Let them know that mommy and daddy love them no matter what. Everyday!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm not sure if this has been addressed elsewhere (if I missed it, I apologize), but I wonder if some IC with you and D5 together might be helpful for you both to help her deal with the stress of change? It could at least help you gain some tools to deal with D5's emotions.
the serenity prayer is something i say about 10 times a day..lol.. accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. my W, myself, my M.
in regards to the kids. i tell them in no uncertain terms it is not their fault. they have done nothing wrong. it is between mom and dad. i also encourage S9 to talk to me about anything. he has a little. he is scared. i told him it is ok to be scared. im scared too. no matter what i will be here for him. i tell my kids i love them a couple times a day.
does giving up actually work. so far i havent reached any of my goals. maybe cuz i didnt detach soon enough or in the right way. maybe my goals arent small enough. there has been no improvement in my M that is for sure. i wrote the list for my W the way you suggested. havent given it to her. kinda want to wait till she does mine. i dont know.
in regards to the kids. i tell them in no uncertain terms it is not their fault. they have done nothing wrong. it is between mom and dad. i also encourage S9 to talk to me about anything. he has a little. he is scared. i told him it is ok to be scared. im scared too. no matter what i will be here for him. i tell my kids i love them a couple times a day.
Great! You might add when S says he's scared that you will find a way to get through this. And that being scared and realizing it sometimes help you find solutions to problems. Help him find ways to deal with his fear. Kids feel very powerless in these situations.
If by giving up you mean letting go, yes. You can't make her love you, you can't make her come back.
But you can become a better man and create a good life for you and your kids. It sounds like they've already had way too much drama in their young lives.
You've taken the first steps in changing that chaos by getting sober.
Now let her go.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
thats the hard part. letting go. i really do love my wife. i dont love her behaviors as of late. i do not agree with divorce. i took my vows seriously. i was raised in a non divorced home. my W was raised in a divorced home. it still affects her to this day. she says it doesnt when it suits her agendaa. when she is being honest, she has told me how much it huts her. i do not want that for my kids. they deserve better.
on that note, letting go seems like quitting. maybe it will wok. its worth a try. i think alot about what it would be like without my W. then i get depressed. i know thats not good. i try not to show it to her. i try to be upbeat. she wanted blankets to help her move yesterday and asked for the ones she doesnt like, and left me. i told her no. sorry. she got pissed and hung up. things like that make me feel like giving up. she doesnt get to walk all over me anymore, and she doesnt seem to like it very much.
would we be better off divorced, i dont know. ill pobably find out soon enough. she hasnt held up her end of any agreements so far. i want to stay married to her. i will not continue to be a doormat. maybe thats a 180?
Detaching and letting go doesn't mean giving up. It's giving another human being the opportunity to live their life. We all deserve that. It's just that right now she's choosing to live her life in a way you don't like.
The harder you push, the harder she will push back because "you can't tell me how to live."
Google detach with love.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'll have to keep that in mind. I'm not at the point where I want to give up, but I definitely need to let go. As hard as it is to not be in control of the situation, I know I'm not right now and trying to be would just make things worse. Heartbroke, I know it's tough, but right now your W doesn't want to be with you. Hopefully that will change in the future, but right now you have to GAL and try your best to 180. No matter what, you'll end up a better, stronger person at the end of this.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
i googled it like you said. livestrong.com had some good insight. found this poem:
"Letting Go" * To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else. * To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another. * To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. * To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. * To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself. * To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about. * To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive. * To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. * To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies. * To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality. * To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept. * To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. * To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be. * To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it. * To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. * To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.
Heartbreak, thank you for the poem. I think I'm going to print it out as a reminder when I start to feel bad for trying to step away from my sitch. I'm not giving up, just letting go.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
well. a good day with the kids. went to the library, played at the park. W never called or txted. not even to tell the kids goodnight. must be having a good time i guess. oh well. it hurts but not as bad as i expected. church tomorrow. hope i get something out of it again. got a copy of DB today. its kinda different than DR so far.
if she wants to date while separated, fine. i will file divorce. i am not ok with that and never will be. if she wants to yell at me all the time, fine. i will not listen to it. i will walk away, and only talk if she is able to not yell. if she calls the cops on me one more time for disagreeing with her i will file for divorce. i refuse to be treated that way.
the detachment thing is so hard. i didnt know what to do so i prayed last night. spent about 2 hrs praying and crying. i still feel miserable.
i havent heard from my W all weekend. makes me worry, wondering if shes ok. than i think, she pobably is fine. fine without me, and that hurts.
i hope today goes ok. have church, chores, and i meet with my sponsor sometime
You don't need a lot of boundaries but the boundaries you do make need to be strong and enforced.
Are there boundaries about her drinking around the kids?
i didnt know what to do so i prayed last night. spent about 2 hrs praying and crying. i still feel miserable.
Did you call your sponsor? This is a dangerous place for you as your old coping mechanism is gone but easily attainable.
Detachment is hard but you haven't been at this very long, don't give up.
i havent heard from my W all weekend. makes me worry, wondering if shes ok. than i think, she pobably is fine. fine without me, and that hurts
Mind-reading, again. When you notice that you're doing this have a little talk with yourself. "I'm powerless over people, places and things." I have a sign with that on it by my BR mirror so I look at it everyday. It does you no good to dwell there because that's not your work, that's God's work.
And yes, it does hurt but this hurt won't kill you. Learning to deal with the hurts in life, will only make you stronger.
And you can pass that skill on to your children. They will then have the strength to deal with painful things without turning to a substance, because they will have what they need right inside themselves.
How powerful is that?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
no. i didnt call my sponsor. the urge for me to drink is not very strong. i think about it sometimes. then i just do something else. i know this hurt wont kill me. this crap with the W has been going on for 5 months now. i know thats not very long. it seems like a lifetime though. things have not gotten even remotely better. only worse.
my W doesnt drink at home. she goes out sometimes and comes home at bar close. kids are already sleeping then. i am tryin to be a good example to my kids. i want them to learn strength. thats why this is difficult. i dont want my son to think its ok to be treated horribly by women. i dont want my D to think its ok to treat men like garbage. they are wonderful children who deserve the best.
it was hard to set the boundries i did. i fear they came across as ultimatums. i meant what i said, and i will stick by it. i do not want a divorce, but there are limits to the amount of stuff i will put up with. i will always love my W. but i do not need to be with her and be walked all over to love her. if she thinks there is someone better out there, go find him. there might be. maybe not though.
Whoa!!!! A little victim thinking here, don't ya think?
i dont want my son to think its ok to be treated horribly by women. i dont want my D to think its ok to treat men like garbage. they are wonderful children who deserve the best.
Yes, they deserve the best and that's to learn that it's not OK to treat ANYONE like garbage. This is not a male/female problem so much as lack of respect for another individual.
Hurting people hurt other people.
You might want to read BklynMom's thread.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
i read BM's thread. alot to ponder. i feel for her. W came back from her weekend. she has been talking to OM over the weekend. maybe they were together. who knows. i dont care. i told her i was done. she backpedaled and made excuses. i think i got this detachment thing down. i dont care anymore. if this is what she wants, fine. she can deal with it. i want to stick by my boundries. if i waffle, then what? i want to stay together, but not like this. i dont want to be a doormat anymore. what do i do. file or talk? im leaning towards filing at the moment
after i told her i'm done doing this, she can date this OM, i don't care, i'm not living like this. she wanted to talk. wanted to tell me its not what i think. i told her to prove it. she refused. i said im done dealing with this crap. she kept wanting to talk, or yell. i would walk away. then she would follow me. finally i just shut down. she started changing bank account passwords. so i took her check card to the account that is supposed to be mine. she got pissed and started grabbing at me. i dropped the card and walked away. she asked for the list of things she does to make me unhappy. i had written it just like bug told me too. she read it and got really mad. she does none of that i guess. she wrote me a list then. very degrading, but i expected that. she started yelling at me for stuff she does saying i do it. i dont. i told her that. then she started telling me i keep pushing her farther away, and i will be lucky to ever get her back. i agreed. she started typing up our separation agreement.
long story short, i broke all the 37 rules pretty much
for some reason i cant wait for the separation. i want to us to work, but i am starting to doubt that it can. divorcecare was about forgiveness tonight. i have alot of work to do on that.
what does going dark mean? what is the benefit? her LL is words of affirmation. she tied on quality time and acts of service. 2 points behind words of aff. i am bilingual it said. words and physical touch
i have read it. it doent make sense to me. i am a moron i know. just looking for a different perspective. i think i get it, but im not sure. and how does it apply knowing her LL? or does the LL not matter right now? i am just confused.
In your case forget about LL. You only apply that when you're in better footing. I don't think your W stealing your stuff counts as better footing.
LR means that you agree to our wife's demand that you D. Then you just drop the subject. It doesn't mean that you agree to D, it just means that you understand her reasons and her WANTING TO D.
You let her do the work, but you check your side so that you're protected.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
so i understand what she wants and stop talking to her? no communication if its not about the kids right? we r not on good footing, you got that right. what is the possible benefit though? i am sorry, i am not seeing it. i think i have a better handle on detachment. is that part of it? man, i feel stupid
You're not stupid, it's just that most of us don't learn this stuff as kids so it's like learning a new language.
Right now the 2 of you bring out the worst in each other. How can you build a new relationship in the midst of that. You need to get away from each other and start to heal, see if you miss the other person or do you just miss the drama.
This takes a lot of patience, don't expect results in a week or 2 or even a month or 2.
Are you up for that?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
i've been up for it for 5 months of in house separation. now it is the real deal. i am up for it, who knows about her. i sure dont. none of this is making any sense to me. i am understanding detachment. i am stating to practice it. why? i dont know.
so last night went horrible. finished up the separation agreement. lots of arguing. it was miserable. i think stuff is over on her end. she said she has hated me for 2 yrs. i dont know if that was the hurt talking, but it still hurt.
today was a crappy day at work. my S had his spring program. there was two times. W wanted to know what time i was going so she could go to the other one. didnt want to be with me i guess. he did good tho! made me smile.
went to an aa meeting. that was nice. now i am home and she is in a bad mood. there are boxes all over the house. this isnt fun. any advice would really help. or feedback
Be as cordial as you can around her. Don't let her foul mood get to you. She hasn't taken any responsibility for the things she's done wrong and instead chooses to blame you for everything.
While things definitely weren't great on your part, I'm sure she wasn't a total saint during the whole stretch of your marriage either. The difference is that you're trying to correct those things within yourself that were wrong. She's not.
Let her stew in her own anger. If she starts attacking you again. Tell her again, very straightforward that you have apologized enough for the things you've done and you are in the process of never being that person again. On the points that she is exaggerating, tell her that she knows that's not true and she should take some personal responsibility as you have.
Then walk away. You deserve a certain degree of respect. Time to start getting it back.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
wow..that is a good idea. and it makes sense to me. that is actually how i feel. i dont know how it will go over. does it really matter? i dont think it does. i do deserve some respect. i am seriously trying to be a better person. and you are right, she hasnt been a saint. she is a good person at heart. wbatever is going on with her rigbt now is preventing that wonderful woman from showing. i know she is in there somewbere. maybe i will never find her again. maybe i will.
forgiveness is somethin i need to do. it is proving to be very difficult. i am hurt and mistrustful right now. i still am hopeful though
