Brookie SeekingAnswers Beatrice Gabbysmom Mach1 (although I see Grit beat me to it because of a computer glitch)
Why am I successful- -I learned a ton of stuff about myself and learned to like myself again. -I learned how to create a decent relationship with X and a great relationship with BF -I learned how to be happy with myself and break codependent patterns -I broke behavior patterns within myself that i didn't like
What techniques did I use--
-Gal to figure out who I am, what I like, what I don't like etc... -180's to change things about me that both X and I didn't like (mostly stuff I didn't like -Boundaries-to stop allowing myself to accept behaviors that were damaging to me into my life -the 48 hour rule (not so sure that is in the book)-to stop my tongue from using the mind it has to react and allow my brain to form conscious actions -dark-to remove myself from the situation until I was on firmer ground with in myself to be able to use all of the other techniques...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I have been on here over 4 years, divorced nearly 4 years. I have 4 wonderful kids and some great friends and family.
Why I am successful: I am happy in my own skin. I am not defined by a relationship or lack of one. I put the needs of my kids right up there with mine and we got through it. I took responsibility for my part of problems in our marriage but not for his choice in having an affair which was the nail in the coffin. I took lessons I learned in other parts of my life and applied them to my life now.
What techniques I used:
I stopped going down cheese less tunnels. I got out of my comfort zone and made myself do something's I wasn't used to doing. I did a 180 in that I stopped focusing on him and making him see reason and moved the spotlight on to me and how I wanted my life to be. I clipped out pictures of places I wanted to go, pictures of confident, care free women and focused on the positives. I stepped back from situations that were too hard for me. I helped people that were just a bit behind me in the process. This helped a great deal.
I will try to come by. This has been a hard place for me to visit. Another step to work on.
Best wishes, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Wow, KD, I am honored that you would consider me a "vet." Thank you! I would like to add that the advice you give others is always thought-provoking and in line with MWD's DB/DR standards. Additionally, you refrain from telling folks here what they "must do," and you do not show judgment for the mistakes people have made. When you deliver 2x4s, it is done gently and with kindness, compassion and encouragement. You are definitely an asset to this community!
When I comment on other threads, I always let the DB'er know that I am NOT a professional (that's what the DB coaches are for!) and that I have done many, many wrong things in trying to save my marriage before I started doing the right things. In fact, much can be learned about what NOT to do from my threads! I do my best to support and encourage the people on this board and share my success story of my currently reconciling marriage with them. I truly had a seemingly hopeless situation, and now I am reconciling with my husband! I am not completely out of the woods yet, but my marriage is back on track and growing in an honest, open, giving and loving way I never believed was possible. I owe my success to MWD, her amazing books and this online community. I am also grateful for the grace of God, and my faith is a big part of my story (however, tolerance of all individuals and their beliefs is important to me, and I do not push my faith on others).
I also tell others that there is no guarantee that following the DB/DR standards will necessarily save their marriage; however, if they follow MWD's advice, they will save themselves and without a doubt, become a better person.
What worked for me was learning to truly detach and step off of the emotional roller coaster. This isn't easy and takes time to do so, but it is very, very important. I also put working on my marriage on hold (it wasn't something my husband had ANY interest in doing at that time anyway) and worked on me....establishing my own personal goals. I also started practicing generous giving of myself to others and showing gratitude for the wonderful people and blessings in my life. GAL is of course important as well as avoiding those cheeseless tunnels. TRUE FORGIVENESS is key! Also, I've learned how to establish and loving enforce boundaries as well as respect my husband's boundaries. There are so many, many other things I have learned here in addition to these.
Reading other's stories have brought great comfort to me as well as given me ideas about what I need to do. I don't believe 25 has ever commented on any of my threads, but reading her story as well as her advice on other threads has been very helpful to me. What an asset she is to this community! I am also grateful for the "virtual" friendships I have made in this community. I consider each one a blessing.
"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
I do my best to support and encourage the people on this board and share my success story of my currently reconciling marriage with them. I truly had a seemingly hopeless situation, and now I am reconciling with my husband! I am not completely out of the woods yet, but my marriage is back on track and growing in an honest, open, giving and loving way I never believed was possible. I owe my success to MWD, her amazing books and this online community. I am also grateful for the grace of God, and my faith is a big part of my story (however, tolerance of all individuals and their beliefs is important to me, and I do not push my faith on others).