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IMHO, you still shouldn't leave the home. She's unhappy and wants to sort out her feelings, then fine. She says she "feels" smothered by you. The point is she is the one who is making herself feel smothered. YOU'RE not doing anything to make her feel a certain way. She does it to herself.

I think it's hilarious when the WAS says they are unhappy and wants to see if they can "feel" anything for the LBS and the FIRST thing they do is to tell the LBS to leave.

It's like they're saying "I'm unhappy but I don't want to move and inconvenience myself. So you should be leaving because you're the reason I feel that way."

Makes you want to laugh sometimes.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Agreed Mr. Bond, didn't mean to imply I condoned moving out. If she's uncomfortable, she should do the moving. The "give space" is emotional space, doesn't need to be physical.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
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W then started to text me before she left work to make sure I was picking up D6 and if I was going to the grocery store. Came home and took kids to the park while she went to kick boxing.

At the park W texted me and told me she hurt her back. We then went home and I helped her make a salad for work and we talked. She wants to start going on dates with me every Friday (we have not had time alone for a long time). We made plans for this Friday.

She apologized for how she treated me and regretted that we did not go to the dance together. She also told me that I did not have to leave at night, just let her go to sleep. They went to sleep at 9:00 and I went to bed in the spare bed room.

Her back was still hurting this morning so I assisted when asked and let her be. I will see how tonight goes.


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SIW,

That's a great sign. Hopefully your giving space helped her have the time to think things over and decide that dates might be a good move. If you look over your posts from a few weeks ago, you probably wouldn't have predicted that dates suggested by W would be in the cards. Celebrate your progress.

Here are my rules for going forward:

1) Don't assume that everything is now ok: W views you like a pent-up dam full of emotion. She's afraid that being nice to you is going to pull the plug and wash her away, and she doesn't want that. Continue to assume that W wants space and don't start talking about reconciliation or R discussions until she starts initiating them.

2) Don't escalate: If she says she had a nice time, don't say ILY. If she holds your hand, don't hug her. If she hugs you, don't kiss her. You can reciprocate, but don't take anything up a notch. Let her lead.

3) Expect hot and cold: Your W will "try on" being nice to you and letting herself believe that everything will be good. Then she'll catch herself, worry, and suddenly go ice cold. Don't take that personally, it's natural and part of the process. Don't comment on it, pretend you didn't notice, just roll with it.

4) Manage your expectations: It's tempting to get hopeful when you start to see positive signs. That hope can create expectations that then lead to disappointment, and that disappointment is very transparent. Expect nothing that you'll go out and be relaxed and try to have fun and that's it.

It can be hard to find neutral things to discuss. My DB coach suggested looking up "conversation starters" before the date so you'll have some interesting topics to get things going if you feel things are slowing down.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
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Accuray,

Thanks for the words of encouragement and great advice. I really appreciate your insight. I would be a mess if I never found this board. Thank you all.

SIW


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Originally Posted By: Accuray
SIW,

That's a great sign. Hopefully your giving space helped her have the time to think things over and decide that dates might be a good move. If you look over your posts from a few weeks ago, you probably wouldn't have predicted that dates suggested by W would be in the cards. Celebrate your progress.

Here are my rules for going forward:

1) Don't assume that everything is now ok: W views you like a pent-up dam full of emotion. She's afraid that being nice to you is going to pull the plug and wash her away, and she doesn't want that. Continue to assume that W wants space and don't start talking about reconciliation or R discussions until she starts initiating them.

2) Don't escalate: If she says she had a nice time, don't say ILY. If she holds your hand, don't hug her. If she hugs you, don't kiss her. You can reciprocate, but don't take anything up a notch. Let her lead.

3) Expect hot and cold: Your W will "try on" being nice to you and letting herself believe that everything will be good. Then she'll catch herself, worry, and suddenly go ice cold. Don't take that personally, it's natural and part of the process. Don't comment on it, pretend you didn't notice, just roll with it.

4) Manage your expectations: It's tempting to get hopeful when you start to see positive signs. That hope can create expectations that then lead to disappointment, and that disappointment is very transparent. Expect nothing that you'll go out and be relaxed and try to have fun and that's it.

It can be hard to find neutral things to discuss. My DB coach suggested looking up "conversation starters" before the date so you'll have some interesting topics to get things going if you feel things are slowing down.

Accuray



Great post. whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Today I did not text, e-mail of call the W and it did not bother me. The day at work went by so fast.

W did call on her way home to ask if I could pick up D6. Her doctor gave her a presription for a muscle relaxer that she needed to pick up. She took a sample of one and sounded really out of it. I figured that tonight would be a good night to take the kids out to eat so I picked up S10 at home and then offered to pick her scrip up which she thanked me for.

While we were at home W was out of it so I let her relax and read her book. I am friendly, but let her start the conversations.

My mother is watching the kids on Friday so we can go out. I love my mom, but hate the barage of questions.

Anyways it was nice to get some work done and focus on that. Staying home again tonight and getting caught up on email etc since grandma has no internet, heat or wifi. To be honest my Grandma passed away some time ago so there was no need to turn the heat on, cable etc. It made me really appreciate my home.

Another benefit to the space is that I actually have stuff that I would like to talk about with my W.


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W and I talked a little yesterday and she told me that her doctor was trying to contact her personally about the results of the PAP test she had.

So I have been worried about it since she has been through her share of surgeries. Her doctor was not there today so she looked at her chart and the test results are abnormally high, which could mean that her uterus may have to be removed or a complete removal of all her girl parts.

I left my office and just listened to her since there was nothing I wanted to bring up or fealt appropriate doing so. When I get home tonight I will help her since her back is still killing her. She advised that she will take a muscle relaxer tonight so I am hoping that this knocks her out a bit. Does anyone have any other suggestions?


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Tonight was tough W was crying before I got home. I picked up dinner fed the kids and sat with W. I put my arms around her and hugged her while she cried. I did not know what to say so I simply listened. Her next appointment is Monday but I asked her if she cold step this up since she is worried.

With this now I will not be staying at my grandma's house. I love this woman so much that I am going to take this journey with her. Hopefully this is nothing but if it is something I will be here. If you told me a week ago I would be here I would have said your nuts.


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Sad in WI,

That certainly complicates things, but be very careful. Continue to assume your W wants space. It will be easy to use this as an excuse to "demonstrate your love" and pursue.

There's nothing wrong with being caring and supportive, but there's a line to walk there. You might say to W "I understand this is hard for you, and I also understand that you want space. What can I do to help you through this, if anything?"

Listen to what she says, and try not to overdo it.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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