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#2240114 - 04/23/12 06:08 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Starsky309]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
My stupid mind is wandering again. If I stay away for a week and keep interactions to a minimum doesn't this signal to W that I am fine with the D?

I will admit that I do not get the "space" issue, maybe because it has never been an issue for me.
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#2240119 - 04/23/12 06:24 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
The most likely reason that you don't "get" space... is because you do not WANT space...

Think about that friend you have... that you kinda like... but that can be REEAAAALLLL annoying to be with for any length of time...

It's kinda like that... but different...

Yes... yes... it has been discussed before... and it will be debated again... many times into the future...

If the LBS gives space in a way that they THINK the WAS wants space, will that not indicate they do not care and make it easier for the WAS to move on...

Try to imagine it this way:

+ keep smothering her and she will want to leave in a more permanent way... and probably resent you...

+ give her space and she might want to move on... but at least she won't resent you so perhaps the two of you can get back to being better friends and co-parenting...

~~~~~~~~~~

the alternative is:

+ give her space and she might actually miss you... or at least have enough time to not dislike you... helping her consider that perhaps there might be an opportunity to try... one more time... to work things out...

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#2240120 - 04/23/12 06:26 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
KD,

Makes sense. Thanks.

SIW
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#2240124 - 04/23/12 06:35 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
KD,

And during the week off act like it is ok correct? Don't let W know how I am really feeling.

SIW
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#2240130 - 04/23/12 06:46 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
yes...

because really... you do need to be ok with it... in the event that it does happen...

also... not to manipulate... but your W has to understand and believe that you ARE ok with it... because otherwise, she may likely believe that you are continuing to pine over her, will always be there, and will feel pressured by you...

The way to help her best in that... is to allow her to feel and believe that if she chooses to stay with you... it is HER CHOICE... not pressure nor manipulation... not from you... and not from anyone...

make sense?

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#2240131 - 04/23/12 06:46 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Crystal Clear.
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#2240150 - 04/23/12 07:33 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Starsky309]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: labug
Quote:
told her that since she is the only one that was unhappy then she should go she then went ballistic calling me selfish.


SIW, I don't draw a lot of hard lines around here but this is one. If she's the unhappy one, she should leave.

And if she tantrums, you can walk away after saying "When you can talk to me respectfully, I will talk to you."

You will be OK.



BINGO. ^^^ whistle


Starsky


Not quite a Bingo, in my haste earlier I left out a very important part. The feeling part: "W when you raise your voice and speak angrily I feel disrespected (or whatever the feeling is for you, SIW) if you continue..."

We all need to understand that our words have impact and that there are consequences to hurtful words and actions. This clearly states your boundary.

Without that it's more like the old parental reasoning, "Because I said so."

And I don't think you want to have parent-child R with her.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2240178 - 04/23/12 08:56 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: labug]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
dont want to hijack the thread but what if the WAW is:

cold,distant, uncommunicative, answering with short pointed responses...do I chase that cheeseless tunnel with 'open' questions....or GAL...or do both.

NB I would be acting 'As if' etc

....in this sitch we are living together but she wants ME to move out and her to live in our house with kids.
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T 11 M 9
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2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
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W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2240186 - 04/23/12 09:22 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: isittoolate]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Not sure if that was rhetorical IITL or if it was a question for SIW...

space + time + "act as if" (it's ok if you D) = better you

for a WAS... this can possibly lead to at the very least, little to no resentment, possible decent "friendship" which allows for decent co-parenting... and could even lead to the WAS questioning the decision and maybe giving it another go...

of course... if you have an MLCer... it all leads to resentment... because it's all the LBS fault no matter what the LBSer does... crazy

That one... time... time.... and more time... and keeping the road home paved and smooth... in the event that the person that ends up on the other side of the MLC tunnel is someone the LBS actually likes and wants to be with...

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#2240208 - 04/23/12 10:11 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2090
Copying from Hurt84's thread:

Originally Posted By: SIW
Accuray,
This is a stupid question and I don't mean to hi-jack a thread. I am in day 2 of staying at my grandma's house to give her some space. If we don't text/email for that week isn't that my signal that I don't care that we are headed for D? I will admit I am not good with the space thing.
SIW


Hi SIW,

That is a huge, common LBS fear -- if I stop pursuing, won't WAS assume that I've given up?

Look at it this way -- pursuing doesn't work. You know it doesn't work. There is not one case you'll find anywhere that it did work, it just doesn't. The notion that you have to "fight for your WAS" by pursuing is a fictional Hollywood concept perpetrated by people who have never been in the situation.

If you've told your wife once that you want to save the marriage, she knows.

When your kid is learning to ride a bike, you put training wheels on. The outcome you want is "knows how to ride a two wheel bike". That will never happen as long as the training wheels are installed because the training wheels themselves prevent it from happening.

When you take the training wheels off, you have to take a scary leap of faith. Chances are the first couple rides are going to be very rough. If the minute your kid falls off the bike, you rush to put the training wheels back on, your desired outcome will never happen. You have to let it ride until it's had time to have it's impact, and it gets worse before it gets better. There are no shortcuts, there is necessary pain to reach the goal.

Your pursuit is the training wheels. As long as you pursue, your marriage will NOT head toward reconciliation. You can keep pursuing forever and never make progress, same as riding a bike with training wheels on it -- you can continue that indefinitely and progress is never made.

You need to give W space. That's taking off the training wheels and getting the bloody knees and wrists for a little while. It's going to hurt, but then it gets better! When you give W space, you let her think about you fondly, versus focusing on avoiding you and your huge set of wishes and expectations of her that she wants no part of fulfilling.

You let her wonder what you're up to, and that prompts her to approach you to find out. You need to stop telling her what you want, what you're thinking about, how you're feeling, etc. etc. Just cut all of it off and let it float. Let her wonder.

If she wants 3 feet between you and you give her 5, she can safely move 2 feet back in without making herself uncomfortable. Then, maybe she can take one more step. That's the trend you want to start.

When you start doing this, you will fear that she will NOT come back. That she will NEVER take a step toward you, so to comfort yourself you will reach out to her, thereby slapping the training wheels back on. You need to sit on your hands and gut it out, and it sux and it's really difficult, but you simply must do it.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014
Divorced 8/2014

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