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#2238653 - 04/17/12 07:18 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
KD,

The 180's that my W has noticed and has complimented me on are the following:

* Getting the kids ready for school, dropping them off
* Helping with afterschool activities
* Helping more with their homework and watching them after school
* Doing more activities with the kids
* Doing more of the housework

- These are now habit for me and for me since I would be doing these with or without my W.

I have been doing a few 180's with my W

* Finances - Were a problem in the past (while W likes this one, she is mad because it took her to discuss a D before we could talk like adults)
* I make her breakfast and coffee in the morning before she has to leave (She has stated that she is no longer is such a rush and has a little time to talk)
* Respect her privacy since she leaves ecerything out in the open (a problem for me since I snoop)
* Listening and validating

I figure that maybe with the exception of coffee and breakfast these 180's would apply to any relationship I would be in.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238659 - 04/17/12 07:36 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Good...

BTW, you mention the finances one that she is mad... did you tell her that you knew she was mad about it, so you decided to work on it? Or is that a conclusion she came to, on her own?

It's a fine line, doing because you want to and doing FOR someone... because really, when doing something positive in the context of another... the truth is... it is both reasons...

Still, there is no reason to inform your W that you are doing anything for her... it can be truth... but that is a conclusion that she can come to if she wants... you are simply doing it because you enjoy it and it is something you want to do...

'cause really... what man doesn't want to see his W happy...? Knowing that he contributed in some way, to her happiness...

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#2238661 - 04/17/12 07:39 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
KD,

Finances was one of the first 180's since I knew this was a sore spot and really the only thing we fought about. I like being more involved with the finances, but would admit it is for both reasons.

SIW
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238772 - 04/18/12 03:16 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
As luck would have it W brought up our R. The "changes" I have made have left her mad, confused and bewildered. According to W I am not acting like the real SIW. Although she appreciates them they will soon pass.

She has acknowledged that the last two months I have been very generous and caring. This makes her mad since it took her to get to this point for me to change. At that time I told her that it is too a she feels that way but that I can only take it one day at a time.

The issue of space came up and I told her that it was her who as been texting/e-mailing while we are at work. In a typical day she will send 5 or 6 emails a day to which i respond in a sentance. Any contact at work on my end would have to be pressing. I will text her to find out which one of us will pick up D6. Did not consider ths an issue so I just sat and listened.

Is this limbo or positive movement from W? I thought this wa where we were for some time.

It seems that when my W sees SIW proceeding with my 180's she will let her guard down which leads her to focus on the bad in order to keep her distance.

I know the walls are her creation and that she will have to address them if we have any chance to reconcile. Anyone else in this situation?
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238784 - 04/18/12 04:57 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
All I can say is that what you describe, I believe, is not odd.

Eventually, she will either start believing the changes are real... or she will just stop noticing or commenting on the changes...

What ever you do, keep doing them. As I believe they are changes that you want regardless, so they are working... for you...

Truth is, your W is admitting she likes the changes... she just doesn't want to like them... so she tests you, perhaps in the hope that you will stop... or perhaps as the best way she can encourage you to keep doing them...

From what I understand, there's sometimes a senses of jealousy attributed to that anger at your changes... and that is the thoughts they get in their head when they think that those changes will benefit someone else...

Don't give up on your positive changes. Keep on keeping on...

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#2238841 - 04/18/12 02:39 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: ~ kd ~]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9117
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I think her confusion is a positive sign as what you are doing is challenging her current beliefs about you.

She's been made a bit off balance by it all.

The scales could tip either way.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 3/11-12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2238861 - 04/18/12 03:35 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
As luck with have it after the kids were asleep W wanted to talk some more. W stated that it took her a long time to get to the point of D and will take a long time for things to change.

I can respect her feelings, but realize that this is going to take a lot of patience on my part.

I then thought about things and asked when was the last time we sat down and talked about our R? W said sometime in early 2011. It made me sad to think that it had been that long and that if this would turn around how much more involved we would have to be.

I brought up talking to another MC, but she is not receptive to it. Perhaps I will let some time pass to see where she stands.
The last time we went to a marriage counselor the main issues were me not coming home at a reasonable time (at work too late) and when I missed my S10 hockey tournament. Since then I have been coming home and have not missed a S10 game. We did have positive results and the MC thought that after 6 visits we did not need to see her any longer.

This morning W had to go to a class rather than to work so she stayed home longer than usual. I continued my normal routine with the kids and she remarked how much stuff I do around the house before I am out the door.

Since she would not be at work I picked her up a salad for lunch and she thanked me for thinking about her.

So I will continue to press on. I think I should change me name to Marching On In Wisconsin.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238893 - 04/18/12 05:39 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2780
Loc: VA
You are doing great. That your W thinks change is possible, even thought she thinks it'll take a long time, is a very good sign. Show how patient and consistent you are.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2238894 - 04/18/12 05:41 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: adinva]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Adinva,

Thank you for the kind words. I will keep pressing on.

SIW
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2239000 - 04/19/12 01:25 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Today was an ok day. W had to go to an ACLS class in the morning so she stayed at the house later than she normally would. I was doing the usual things, wash, dishes, picking up and taking care of the animals, etc. She finally asked what I was doing and I told her that I do this everyday after she leaves for work. She said that she was impressed. I just smiled.

W then texted me while at class a few times. I texted her that I would pick up the kids and make dinner. She came home earlier than expected, we talked about the class and I let her read her book until her kick boxing class.

Meanwhile I grilled chicken, zucchini and made rice for the kids (she normally does not eat a meal, usually something light). While reading she asked when dinner was ready and ate with us. She thanked me for making dinner, took D6 to kick boxing with her and S10 and I went to the park.

W wanted to read (and from my experience on Monday) I let her be. In the past and to be honest I struggle with the space issue. Not texting, e-mailing or calling is easier for me than when we are together. I am trying to better with the space issue, today was alright.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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