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#2238566 - 04/17/12 11:31 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Makes sense. My head and heart are telling me now to yet throw in the towel with the W. I have set a timeline to do this.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238570 - 04/17/12 11:36 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8686
Loc: Sonoran Desert
A timeline fro reevaluation or a timeline for throwing in the towel?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2238571 - 04/17/12 11:38 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Both. As a senior member of the board I respect your opinion. Is my sitch so messed up that I should walk away now?
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238572 - 04/17/12 11:46 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8686
Loc: Sonoran Desert
No matter how long anyone has been on this board, or any other, we all just have our singular experiences...

Each of us has to decide for ourselves when that time is. If you're looking for an OK to quit...or stay, that won't come from me.

That has to be yours to decide.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2238577 - 04/17/12 11:58 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
I guess I am struggling with what to do. I feel that since the bomb was dropped and today has been less than two months.

My R with kids is fantastic and I am so much more involved in there care and needs. I am not emotionally prepared to see them half of the time and feel like the new SIW would not throw in the towel on a R after one lousy conversation.

I just get frustrated with the fence sitting my W is doing. She has stated that she has no plans to move or file D anytime soon. However, when I even suggested a MC her only response was that we tried it once before.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

Top
#2238637 - 04/17/12 02:43 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2773
Loc: VA
There's only one way it's going to end if you want it to end now. Read other threads to get a feel for how patient you're going to have to be. Your sitch shows promise.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2238638 - 04/17/12 02:44 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: adinva]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Adinva,

Thank you. I have added patience as another trait that I have to work on getting better with.

SIW
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238644 - 04/17/12 02:55 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Originally Posted By: Sad in WI
I just get frustrated with the fence sitting my W is doing. She has stated that she has no plans to move or file D anytime soon. However, when I even suggested a MC her only response was that we tried it once before.


Many of us understand that frustration. My W (now I'm coming on 18 mos since I moved out) told me from the very beginning that she was that whole script thing they say... and was happy going on with life (living separate lives) and had no desire to file...

Basically, perpetual limbo...

Why do you think that is, SIW?

Do you think that is because she did not want to be M to me?

Or do you think that maybe... just maybe... she hoped that one day, I might come around and be the man... the H... she wanted me to be...?

'cause from what I've seen in life and relationships... when things are over... they get over and done... that simple...

Do you really believe that when your W answered your question about MC with saying you'd tried it before... did she say, "no. not going to do it again." Or did she say you tried it before...

Because if she did not say absolutely no... Could it be possible that she is really wanting you to convince her that things will be different at MC... this time...?

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#2238647 - 04/17/12 03:03 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
KD,

I am no expert on any of this, but I would say that she is hoping for the H she wants you to be.

She did not say no to the MC. I think it is something we should try, but not sure how to discuss this with her.

She has consitently told me that the "changes (180's)" I have made are temporary and that she expects them to end soon.

I think I will have to give it time, time for my W, time for me to grow and continue to work on my 180's.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238650 - 04/17/12 03:11 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Originally Posted By: Sad in WI
KD,

I am no expert on any of this, but I would say that she is hoping for the H she wants you to be.


yup... I'd say you are an expert and bang on...

So really... it is my choice to step up and be the H she wants me to be... unless I really do not want to be that person... or I can not be someone that at least resembles that person, in some way, for my W...

I've heard it said this way, "If you are working on them, then they will eventually fail."

Kinda the same thing as trying...

No try... do... or do not...

The 180s have to be a habit... are they, yet?

And second of all... are the 180s something that your W actually likes?

Not because you are doing them to please your W... you are doing them for you...

But if your W doesn't dig those 180s, then really it is of no value for her to let you know she does not think they will last... that really just becomes a test for you... putting your focus on making the 180s last... rather than doing 180s that you want to do... that you know she also appreciates...

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