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#2241153 - 04/27/12 11:51 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2090
Well first dates do carry expectations and anticipation, if you feel you have that under control, that's where you need to be. Safer than first date is to treat it like dinner with a coworker on a business trip. You're going to be friendly and pleasant but there are no expectations and no risk of encroaching on her space. Comedy Club is a good opener because laughing together is good and afterwards you can talk about the show.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2241287 - 04/27/12 09:24 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
W is anxiously awaiting her biopsy results so if she does not get them today dinner could be interesting. Accuray, I will suggest a comedy club among a few other things after dinner.

My mom is taking the kids overnight so at a minimum W will get a decent nights sleep and a quiet morning.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2241354 - 04/28/12 06:45 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Dinner was very nice. We were there for over three hours just talking and having a good time. Although I had planned to go out afterwards both of us were very tired so we went home. Alot of talking about our first date and how we were both lucky to be with each other.

Both of us agreed that it had been too long since we have gone out and that we need to do this more. We already have planned on going out in two weeks.

Talk was all over the place, but did not feel forced or contrived. Her health did come up and I told her that I am here for her. No biopsy test results yet, but she should have them by Monday.

And with the kids not being home at least my W can sleep in without being woken up. Overall a very nice time and kid free.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2241404 - 04/28/12 03:05 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
tiny steps....small changes
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2241585 - 04/29/12 05:53 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: isittoolate]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
I had an awesome time with the W on Friday, but knew that this weekend would be hard since she is still waiting on her biopsy results. She is a nervous wreck, but I have been giving her space. Only talked about her health once. She told me that her mom instilled in her that you could not rely on anyone and that when she is going through problems that is how she handles them. This would explain her lone wolf attitude and need for space.

On Saturday she relaxed and had to take D6 to a birthday party and then made a nice dinner since my Sil was coming over with her D. We then just watched TV while the kids played.

On Sunday I took the kids so that she could go for a walk and have some quiet time. She is tired and I am beat.

With this health scare my focus is on my W's health. I continue to take things day by day.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2241862 - 04/30/12 11:59 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Awesome news, biopsy did not show cancerous cells. W was relieved and a weight was taken off of my shoulders.

The mood in the house has been lifted. I may get SOS sleep tonight.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2241866 - 05/01/12 12:08 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2773
Loc: VA
Yay! smile
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2242233 - 05/02/12 05:42 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: adinva]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
I have breathed a sigh of relief that my W is ok. She has another test in four months.

W brought up our R and is still confused and does not know where we are heading. I listened and did not add much since I really did not know what to say. I know that when I say anything or put the slightest pressure on her she pulls back.

I know that we it has been only two months since W dropped the bomb and while my relationship with the kids has improved immensely my R with the W has been a seriies of backwards and forwards steps. I am not trying to get too high on good days or too low on bad days.

Today for instance I was filled with bad thoughts (I.e. the D is imminent, W will move out) when there was nothing going on. W sees that I am anxious and then she gets irritated.

I don't have patience and then this gets compounded with my fixer mentality. I have been doing great with the space and haven't initiated email, text, or phone calls for over a week. She calls everyday on her way home and I have to tell myself not to get overly excited to hear from her.

I brought up going on a date on Friday but W said she will have to see. Iam worried that my nerves will get the better of me and screw this situation up.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2242362 - 05/02/12 05:36 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2090
"I know that when I say anything or put the slightest pressure on her she pulls back."

^^^^^^^^ Great insight. Let her know you're available and would be happy to go on dates, then let her schedule them.

She's the captain, you are the co-pilot right now. If you keep trying to grab the controls you will be fired!

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2242369 - 05/02/12 06:17 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Accuray]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Accuray,

I need to remember this and also practice "WAIT" but sometimes my nerves get the better of me. I need to be patient, I need to give her space and I need to keep my emotions in check. Take a deep breath SIW.

SIW
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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